Should I let an abusive ex see our son?

Nina - posted on 05/06/2014 ( 1 mom has responded )




This is an issue I have been struggling with recently, and I would just like an unbiased opinion. I was with my ex for 4 years, he was consistently abusive (mentally, emtionally, physically), almost all of it was done when he was drunk, he was and is an alcoholic. I'm 28 and he's 44. We had a son in 2012. Long story short, one night he tried to kill us while driving drunk with my 8 year old son, and the 3 month old baby in the car, we had to jump out while it was moving, he later crashed head on with a sheriff, both survived. He went to jail, and I had to answer to Child Services for 3 months since the children were present at the incident. He got out 17 months later, and seemed to be doing good, no drinking or smokings cigs, working, stayed away from friends. So I started meeting him at the park to see the baby a couple times a week, once in a while dropping him off for an hour while I exercised. But within months the drinking, smoking, and verbal disrespect started again, and one day I came 1 hour later than planned to pick him up and in a jealous rage he physically assulted me, in front of the baby, police came and said it was my word against his(typical), so no charges were filed.....that was a year ago, he hasn't seen the baby or I since. I MYSELF personally do not ever want him to see his son again, I don't feel like he deserves him. He has lost so much because of his drinking and refuses to quit, and I feel like at 44 years old, if he hasn't changed by now, he probably never will. But in the past 5 months, he seems to be in a new relationship with a stable woman of his age, but he still drinks, so does she. They live together with her daughter. These are only things I can see from their FB pages, so I can't really tell how much and how often they drink, or their lifestyle. All I know, is that I don't want my baby robbed of his innocence by spending time with an angry bitter drunk old man. Right now I have an amazing man taking care of him with me, that doesn't drink or smoke and that takes him to church and prays with him every day, teaches him sports, and loves him to pieces. But recently my ex has been contacting me a lot, asking if he can see him, saying he's been going to church, and offering to send money, I have not responded. Now I believe everyone has the right to change, but I don't know if he has changed enough, but am I the one to judge that? Am I the one to keep him from his son? Will my son be mad at me in the future? What if his father dies and they never got a chance to be close. On the other hand I feel as if it's my job to protect my son from harm from anyone, even his own father, because while he may not harm him directly, his lifestyle could damage his upbringing, if you know what I mean? Have you ever seen someone that sits around all day drinking and talking to their friends? Is that a good atmosphere for a child? And what if he becomes abusive to the girlfriend? I run the risk of Child Services getting involved again, could they take my son for putting him in a dangerous setting? I know it's my fault because I picked to have a child with him, but that doesn't mean he has to be doomed for life because of my mistakes. I'd like to give him the best future possible. Should I allow my ex to see him? Any advice is appreciated.


Michelle - posted on 05/06/2014




You don't have any right to deny a relationship between your child and his Father. If your ex takes you to court (and he has every right to) he will most probable be given visitation at least.
My ex husband is an alcoholic but I can't stop him from seeing his children. That's not fair on the children at all.
You would be better off asking a lawyer and getting visitation in writing. You can even ask for supervised visitation to start with but you can't deny them seeing each other.

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