Should I let my 3 month old stay over his grandparents again after this...

Danielle - posted on 02/22/2010 ( 230 moms have responded )

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My mother-in-law wanted to have the baby stay over so badly, that I finally gave in. The only stipulation was that their 3 dogs stay away and in a different room from the baby. Well, a couple of weeks later, she spilled the beans about how funny it was that one of the dogs would just sit there and stare as she held the baby. I didn't want ANY of the dogs around him and feel that she didn't respect my wishes. She still asks to watch the baby, but I don't trust her in keeping the dogs away!

What should I do?

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Ashley - posted on 02/22/2010

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I see where your coming from, but I think maybe your overreacting. Shes the Grandma, she ovbiously did a good job raising your husband or he wouldn't be here. As long as the dogs aren't vicious dogs then I dont really see the problem. There are millions of children around dogs every day and rarely does it end in an accident. If you were that worried about it then you shouldn't have let her keep him the first time.

Karen - posted on 02/22/2010

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i personally would give her another chance...although being a dog owner i'm not sure why you don't want the dogs around if they are being supervised, but i'm sure you have your reasons....and as for the comments about not leaving your child over night until a certain age, i do not agree with that at all....i think if you're comfortable then go for it! there is no "right" age to start sleeping over...get over it people! we're not sending them to strangers! i started letting my son have sleepovers with grandma at 3 months...it's great for all of us - they love getting the time with him and my husband and i get to reconnect. i don't think i'm a bad mother because i let him go away from me for a night either, i think it makes me a better mother because i get some down time and some much needed rest. you do what you feel is right for you though. good luck!

Caitlin - posted on 02/22/2010

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I would let her watch your son but maybe instead of him going over to her house she can come to yours. That way you know what is going to be around you son. If she ask why it can't be at her house I would just tell her the truth.

User - posted on 02/27/2010

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< i am a granny>..let me say this.... its lovely that u are so clear about your childs needs and your desire to provide a safe enviroment.... i am sure your mother in law wants those things to.. it is a process.... learning to communicate effectively... but i can assure you having been both the daughter in law full of worry and being the granny who adores my grandchildren... the effort to work thru the issues will be such a blessing for your child... and for you... you will never regret being kind, ( and of course firm) . That amazing thing that happened to you the day you became a mom... it happens all over on the day you become a granny...you explode inside,,, the wonder of loving a child is sooooooooooooo huge,,, and sometime we might fail to do everything exactly right... but i do think if you keep trying in a clear and kind way .. you will be able to foster a trusting and wonderful relationship... and you know ,, your husband can help also... showing his mom respect but letting her know that he is in agreement about the issue......keep trying,, and remember the more extended family and the more loving arms your child has to be in... the better for him or her!

Jasmine - posted on 02/22/2010

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I would allow again but have a talk with her and say please dont let the dogs with her. and explain why. and see how it goes, she might not understand why, or maybe she thought just one of her dogs might be okay? i dk but i do know its a nice bond to have grandma spend a night with them. 2nd chances are always good!

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User - posted on 02/28/2010

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As a grandmother and mother myself I agree with some of the others in that 3 months is to young to be sleeping over anywhere without mom and dad. At this age the baby might be to young to be around the dogs, especially if you had already warn her no to allow it. On the other hand my granddaughter( since she was born), daughter inlaw and son lives with my husband and I plus to dogs and it was find . I guess you would have to determine when it will be a good idea to introduce the baby to the dogs. However until you feel comfortable enough don't allow it especially if it's a safty issue.

DONT BACK DOWN, that is your ultimate responsibility right now!

[deleted account]

dont let her have baby without u there i stopped my babies gran having mine after she dis respected my wishes its ur baby and what u say goes

T Iris - posted on 02/28/2010

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I have heard so many stories of dogs getting jealous and attacking small kids, you can google it if you like. The dogs dont see the baby that often and the mother has SPECIFIED that she does not want the dogs around the child as its her mother-in-law she must know how playful the dogs are hence her request to keep them away from the child. In excitement the dogs can hurt the baby by mistake, i would rather not have the little mistake. I am not against the dogs at all, just think a baby should have priority over a dog

User - posted on 02/28/2010

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I do think it is so good that the dogs can get to know and enjoy havijng the baby around. If it were cats i would say no. Dogs on the other hand will protect the baby and not attack the baby when he is older.

T Iris - posted on 02/28/2010

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As a mum i would be worried myself about the dogs, the best thing is explain to her why you are uncomfortable about the dogs and let her visit your child rather then the sleepover, cause the dogs might get jealous if kept locked away as its their environment. Protect you child. allow her as much visits as she like until your child is older

Kat - posted on 02/28/2010

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I understand that you will be cautious about the dogs near the baby,I have a dog myself and he is fantastic with the baby.We have always let the dog near the baby to sniff him and know his scent (never to lick him though I hate dogs that lick) I also understand that you are quite possibly very cross with your mother in law but the best thing to do is let him go back, all be it supervised visiting with yourself to begin with and allow the dogs near the baby other wise they will resent the baby for the attention he will recieve when he is there and could possibly end up biting baby. You will then be furious that he has been bitten, when by allowing the dogs to get to know him it could be prevented.

Robyn - posted on 02/28/2010

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Your mother in law has no respect for you, there is somthing wrong with her wanting to have the baby stay over without you. She has had her time with her own child, next time you should stay over too. If she has nothing to hide she should be ok with this.

User - posted on 02/28/2010

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depends on the type of dog doo you like the dogs have they tried to bite you if not test the dogs see how they react to the baby crying i have 2 dogs and it has been the other way round i think your being very over protective which is normal but you must have trust why would you think she would let anything happen to your precious baby does she take drugs drink leave the baby unattended pleas dont worry all will be good babys are only small for a small time bad feeling will go on for years xxxxxx

Kassie - posted on 02/27/2010

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Oh u poor thing. I have a been dealing with the same type of thing with my mom in~law for 3 1/2 years.. (since my sin was born) I wish I would have nipped it in the butt a LONG time ago because now that I've let so many little things go she doesn't take me & my wishes as serious as she should! Address it with her & how if she wants to watch your baby she needs to respect your wishes before she doesn't take u & your wishes as serious as she should!

Kassie - posted on 02/27/2010

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Oh u poor thing. I have a been dealing with the same type of thing with my mom in~law for 3 1/2 years.. (since my sin was born) I wish I would have nipped it in the butt a LONG time ago because now that I've let so many little things go she doesn't take me & my wishes as serious as she should! Address it with her & how if she wants to watch your baby she needs to respect your wishes before she doesn't take u & your wishes as serious as she should!

User - posted on 02/27/2010

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First of all, I would say, NO, about the dogs and a baby in the same room, although they may be the most well-behaved animals!, they can also "change" attitudes, in a second!!! Best of luck. Why not let her watch the little one at your home???

Amy - posted on 02/27/2010

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When she asks to watch the baby you should tell her that you are hurt she did not respect your wishes about the dogs when you let the baby spend the night the first time. You are the childs mother, and your wishes should be respected no matter how they sound to someone else. I have plenty of experience with these types of situations and my mother-in-law. If you or your husband don't put your foot down now, and let her know that this is your child, and what you guys say goes it may only get worse. If you give most people an inch they tend to take a mile.

Maria - posted on 02/27/2010

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I think 3 months is too young to be staying anywhere but with Mom and Dad. That said, you should let your MIL know that it will be a long time before your baby stays with them again, because of the dog issue, AND you'll be there to supervise!

Grandma Grandchild - posted on 02/27/2010

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Being a grandma at 43, I do understand where your coming from but I do have a question for you...

1. Is it truly the dogs that your worried about?

2. At 3mos, she/he should not be staying the night at this age unless your working or some urgent reason. I would of never asked as a grandma for a sleep over. Grandma could stay at your house. Breastfeeding?????

3. Nothing wrong with the truth. Be upfront!! Grandma may not like it but in the end she will respect you.

4. YOUR THE MOM♥

Hang in there....and many blessing to you and your family!

Grandma Grandchild - posted on 02/27/2010

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Being a grandma at 43, I do understand where your coming from but I do have a question for you...

1. Is it truly the dogs that your worried about?

2. At 3mos, she/he should not be staying the night at this age unless your working or some urgent reason. I would of never asked as a grandma for a sleep over. Grandma could stay at your house. Breastfeeding?????

3. Nothing wrong with the truth. Be upfront!! Grandma may not like it but in the end she will respect you.

4. YOUR THE MOM♥

Hang in there....and many blessing to you and your family!

Nancy - posted on 02/27/2010

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i get the feeling you don't want your baby to have sleepovers at MIL's (dogs or no dogs)... and i don't blame you for that. it's *more important* for your baby to be attached to *you* than it is for him to "get used to staying at grandma's house". there will be a time for sleepovers... when he's older. babyhood is ideally a time to be spent with mom. is MIL really "helping" you by watching the baby, or is she fulfilling her own needs instead?

Stephanie - posted on 02/27/2010

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i don't think you should keep the baby away for just this reason. I would explain to your MIL again why it bothers you and to please not have the baby around the dogs unless you are there as well. She would feel terrible if she knew that you were considering not letting her keep the baby at her house for this reason. She will come around I bet. The dogs do need to at least see the baby in a supervised environment (i would be nervous with a mastiff that size too) so they can get used to the baby being around (and the noises it makes) and realize it is part of the family and an okay human too.

on the 'staying overnight' issue- I don't have any problem letting family keep the baby overnight. Parents need their "me" time too or they get 'lost' and relationships suffer. It's grandparents for goodness sake, not a 13 year old neighbor with a cell phone... I think it is good for babies to not have a problem staying with at least one family member on a regular basis, and eventually a responsible babysitter- helps them be more sociable and independent as they get older. (you don't want your 10 year old to be so clingy they can't go spend the night at a friends house, do you?)

Kathy - posted on 02/27/2010

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If your Mother-in -law didn't respect your wishes and you are concerned about the dogs being around the baby you should discuss your disappoint with her. Keep the communication open.

User - posted on 02/27/2010

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All I see in this is young inexpreienced mothers that will in time learn to relax hopefully. Smoking is a totally different matter IN another persons home they can and will do as they wish it is YOU that has to make the choice not to go and make demands on others in their OWN homes. Animals and kids can get along just fine it also will teach the child at an early age not to pull/pick/hit/kick any animal out of respect. Most bites are caused by the child not properly taught to handle them with respect. To Danielle personally, you know they have dogs and a lot of people don't take very kindly to others making demands like that. YOU and no one but you made the choice to send you child there and probably knowing full well she would not "lock" up her beloved pets. All I can say is suck it up move on and make a CHOICE not to take your child there. IMO that is totally off the wall but to each his own.



By the way I am the mother of 3 well adjusted adult children, that were raised with all manners of animals. Not one was ever bitten because they learned RESPECT for another living creature. Oh what is that oh yeah COMPASSION towards both animals and people. Now my 16 month old grandson gets to enjoy the same and his best friend is a 6 yr old rescue dog named Stacey. In other words you want respect then maybe you should show respect.

User - posted on 02/27/2010

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Babies need they're moms. Keep him at home until he is 2 and you won't have to worry about it for a while!

Danielle - posted on 02/27/2010

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hi i have the same problem, where people don't respect my wishes in the way i want my children raised. i believe that if she did it once will she will do it again and continue to do whatver she likes in her home with your child. i personally would never have allowed my children to sleep over at such a young age any way. if i were you i would not let your baby out of your sight unless you really have to and especially around dogs... they are just too unpredictable.

Michelle - posted on 02/27/2010

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I understand why you worry the baby is very young and any mother is gong to be extra careful with the first, second, third, fourth child. My children are 4 & 6 and being around any pets I worry! MIL's are grandma's and what do grandparents do best, SPOIL and break all the rules. If you are not ready for the baby to be around pets then so be it, if hubby agrees then all the better. I agree with Caitlin have her stay at your house this way you are more at eaze. Good luck.

Brunswicklisa - posted on 02/27/2010

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the dog will get jealous. DO NOT ALLOW UR CHILD AROUND IT! I cannot believe some nans, want their grand children around when they have dogs! Get rid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Carol - posted on 02/27/2010

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Well as a soon to be grandmother. I have raised my children and really don't want to be bothered with your kids. But if I was doing you a favor and giving you a break from your child, by letting it stay at my house especially overnight. For live is a two way street and if the way I choose to live offends you. Then stay away, but remember that when you need diapers or anything else in life. Don't call my number!

User - posted on 02/27/2010

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For heaven's sake, so much drama and 'disrespect' being thrown around. Did you bother to ask where the dogs were when they were staring at the baby? Perhaps they were behind a baby gate.



Before you create hard fast rules please remember that *you* may be creating needless family drama that will hurt your relationships in the future. Your baby is not a weapon to be used in your self-esteem issues and shouldn't be dangled as a carrot when mother in law is 'behaving' or not. You will need these people, your child will love them. Please take a deep breath and slow down on the 'disrespectin'.



What stopped you from looking sad and saying, "Oh Mom, no..you know I'm afraid for baby to be around the dogs. I thought we agreed?" Loving behavior always wins out, trust me.

Joan - posted on 02/27/2010

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for some one not used to midnight feeding...what do you think she did to her son, leave him there to cry, no she will have fed him, i am a grandmother and my eldest grandaughter who is now 6 has been staying with me from 1 month old, i would pick her up when i finished work and would take her back home 4 days later, 4 0n 4 off, my daughter got a lot of sleep and didn't get pnd, i also stopped smoking 5months before she was born, we have a great bond which will carry on through the years, as for the dogs...i would keep them away if asked and this ladys mil will tow the line rather than lose the chance to see baby, being a nan is so much more relaxed than bringing up your own children, you've been there and done it, my daughter asked my advice all the time, some of it she took onboard some she didn't, i'm just happy to be there to give it when asked. the best thing was sitting for hours just cuddling and watching baby sleep, i never did that with mine...too busy doing housework!!!!!!

Sasha - posted on 02/27/2010

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Im with you, if you cant trust them, they can see the baby at your house. The baby doesnt need to stay over with anyone at such a young age anyway

Sharon - posted on 02/27/2010

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i don't think the issue is so much about the dogs themselves as quite a few people on here seem to have become focussed on,but more about the issue of your mother-in-laws lack of respect for the way you feel. i have had so many issues similar to this with not just in laws but my ex as well & the lack of respect that becomes aparant when they completely ignore your feelings makes you feel horrible & can build up a resentment in you that is not good. whether they feel your request is silly or not they should respect it because you are that childs parent & it's haard enough as it is bringing a child up these days without family making you feel like your irrelevant. at the end of the day it's your decision but maybe try having her babysit at yours that's prob the easiest way to deal with it. good luck.

[deleted account]

My rule with questionable relatives... When in doubt, have them visits the child with you. You obviously are upset that they did not respect your safety concerns. I understand this is what g-parents do,( undermine your parental authority). It does not mean you have to allow it to happen. If you are present you can make sure the baby is safe, and even over time find that the dogs really are good around the baby or not. Either way you can make a more informed decision as you will be present and can see for your self. No one should be taking chances with a child that is not theirs. I think it is very important that you let her know, that since she did not rspect your wishes you would like to be present for awhile. It does not need to be something to end the realtionship over. You are a new mom and eventually, you will have a moment in time that you need to use them. You also get to change your mind as often as you want! There are certains children and animals that are great combinations, and some that are not. You only know that by getting to know them both.

[deleted account]

My rule with questionable relatives... When in doubt, have them visits the child with you. You obviously are upset that they did not respect your safety concerns. I understand this is what g-parents do,( undermine your parental authority). It does not mean you have to allow it to happen. If you are present you can make sure the baby is safe, and even over time find that the dogs really are good around the baby or not. Either way you can make a more informed decision as you will be present and can see for your self. No one should be taking chances with a child that is not theirs. I think it is very important that you let her know, that since she did not rspect your wishes you would like to be present for awhile. It does not need to be something to end the realtionship over. You are a new mom and eventually, you will have a moment in time that you need to use them. You also get to change your mind as often as you want! There are certains children and animals that are great combinations, and some that are not. You only know that by getting to know them both.

Uraina - posted on 02/27/2010

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You need to put your foot down and tell her if she cannot abide by your rules then she cannot watch the baby. You do not want the dogs around the baby because you do not know how they will act and neither does she. They could snap one day and maybe hurt the baby. So she need sto respect your wishes and keep them away from your baby.

MaryAnn - posted on 02/27/2010

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Your wishes in this regard need to be respected. What breed are the dogs, not that it matters. Some dogs are sweet by nature, but some have an unsuspected mean streak and the protection of the baby is the primary objective here. You are correct and mommy-in-law needs to respect your desires around YOUR child. I hope your husband is supporting you in this.

User - posted on 02/27/2010

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no, you should not let your son stay over there again - at least not at this age. he is at that age when he starts grabbing things and putting them in his mouth. he might grab dogs hair or something and the dog might not like it and hurt him or something while your mother in law might not be watching.

why does she want to look after a baby during the night anyway? the baby is just 3 months old - you are just about now getting used to him properly and getting to know him because soon he is gonna try solid foods. i am not saying that you should not have your own personal life but your mother in law should not be asking you to do things you don;t feel comfortable doing either.

tell her she can stay and look after the baby at yours - that way you will know what's around the baby and you will be more relaxed and feel more comfortable while out on a night out with friends or with your better half. :)

thst is your child and she should be treating him the way you want it and not the way she wants it - because otherwise it is just a total disregard, disrespect and undermining your authority. i mean - what's next? when he is about five she is gonna be telling you that you are not raising him up properly because it's not how she would do things.

Melinda - posted on 02/27/2010

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I would allow the sleepover's to continue, after all the dogs have never bothered your child before, RIGHT? So, unless you have reason to believe that the dogs would harm your child, I'd say, let the M.I.L continue. If, it makes it easier for you, do frequet phone checks or stop by later on in the even and just check up on things... It's your choice, but, I believe it will all work out!

Beki - posted on 02/27/2010

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We all have to make our own decisions. Sometimes our in-laws try to make us look like we are "the bad guys." So whatever you decide, stick to your guns. It's all about the love we have for our children, nothing else.



My mother-in-law started giving my son sweets and junk food when he was 2 yrs old. This was done behind my back after I let her know I was keeping his diet healthy, since diabetes runs on both sides of the family and a few other reasons. There were a few occasions that my son would throw up when he got home from all the junk they gave him. I guess to them, it was my fault. In their eyes, I probably should have introduced food with no nutritional value when he was a baby. Maybe if I did that his body could handle it. (NOT)



Eventually I had to stop letting him stay the night and take long trips with my in-laws because my father-in-law kept smoking in the house and van, as well. I can only let my son, now 10 yrs old, go with my mother-in-law to stores, movies, etc. as long as my father-in-law isn't lighting up around my son. I can't tell you how many times my son missed school because of a sinus infection that developed because of cigarette smoke.



Good luck! I hope your situation works out better than mine, and some others' that I've read.

Kim - posted on 02/27/2010

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if it were me tell her how you feel about the dogs if she does it again tell her why the kids arent coming back i could of only wished and dreamed to have such support with my kids.

Linda - posted on 02/27/2010

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I have the same situation, only they have one dog. My son is 4 years old. No he has never stayed at their house due to them having a dog! It only takes a second for a dog to turn & i won't put him in that position!

Linda - posted on 02/27/2010

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I have the same situation, only they have one dog. My son is 4 years old. No he has never stayed at their house due to them having a dog! It only takes a second for a dog to turn & i won't put him in that position!

Linda - posted on 02/27/2010

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I have the same situation, only they have one dog. My son is 4 years old. No he has never stayed at their house due to them having a dog! It only takes a second for a dog to turn & i won't put him in that position!

Consolata - posted on 02/27/2010

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I worry because I think a 3month old is way too young to be having sleep overs, Grandma or not. I suggest you accompany your baby for any more sleepovers or if that is not palatable to your In-Laws, then let them wait until your baby is a bit older say 12months. This is my view though. The reality is that no one [and I mean no one] would care for you baby the way you would. I was extra finicky with my kids so I held on to them for as long as I could. I only ever could trust them with my mom as she would respect my wishes. But even then it was never to the T. No one can respect your wishes to the T only you...ever

Mary - posted on 02/27/2010

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Have her come to your house and you go take a break, get a massage, go to lunch with a friend, go to a movie. That way, everyone wins.

Connie - posted on 02/27/2010

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I would trust my instincts. That is why you have them. If, for whatever reason, you feel uncomfortable with your baby being around the dogs without your being there, then that is an easy fix. Don't leave your baby in that environment without being there to supervise. I would not have felt comfortable leaving my baby overnight anywhere at that age. The fact that you did seems pretty liberal to me (no judgement) and it seems to contradict the conservative attitude of not allowing the dogs around (again no judgement, just observation) which may contribute to confusion where setting the ground work for how your in-laws should view you as a parent. Again, trust your instincts. It is hard to not give in to the pressures that relatives try to impose on a new, inexperienced Mom. From what you explained, it seems you were pressured into letting your baby stay over by your mother in law in the first place. That was when you needed to listen to your instincts, initially and continued to say no. Now, you clearly do not feel comfortable with the fact your in laws disregarded your request and the betrayal. But they will be your in laws for a long time (hopefully) and always your childs grandparents. I would not write a letter or have a sit down talk, but I would wait until she asks again for the baby to spend the night. I would then tell her, as positively and as respectfully as possible, that you don't feel completely comfortable letting the baby stay away from home at night. If the invitation is for a daytime dropoff, I would offer to bring the baby for a visit or ask her to come to your house to visit/keep the baby explaining you aren't comfortable leaving the baby at her house without you because you do not feel comfortable with the dogs being around the baby without being there to supervise. I would also interject that you respect them and their home and their love for their pets and their grandchild. Add that it might have seemed unreasonable to them for you to request they keep the dogs away from the baby, and while you know they love the baby and would never intentionally put the child in harms way, until you feel more comfortable with the idea, you will need to be with the baby anytime the baby is at their house. You don't need their appoval. You don't have to justify your instincts as a Mom. Just trust them and listen to them. You will have many other conflicts along the way with your in-laws if you dont somehow let them know you mean what you say but try to express it without making them feel like you don't respect them, as well. Good luck with all of this.

Tamara - posted on 02/27/2010

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Lots of reaction to this one! I did not leave my child overnight till he was 4mo old and that was just with his father. LOL! My son is now 7mo old and I have yet to leave him overnight with anyone else. The point being your MIL was lucky you let her take your baby overnight, that was very nice of you! She should have respected your wishes. I am what is called a dog mama, my 6 yr old brittany is the love of my life, but when i baby sit if the mom does not feel the same way the dog goes outside.

Simple, Your baby, Your Rules. It does not matter if you are right or wrong. This is how you want to raise your child and this is how it will be. end of story.

On another note... What would your mother inlaw have done if somthing went wrong? Could she have lived with herself? It is not like you can buy a replacement baby!

Also just so you dont think that you are alone, I do not let my father or his wife babysit... nor do I ever plan to. Thats just the way it is, I love my dad very much but he is kinda silly and a previouse poster was right baby cant talk yet to let you know what went on and how he felt about it...ie: scared or funny.

I cou

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