Should i let my boyfriend dicipline and sometimes hit my 4 yrs old daughter when hes not her father?

Laura - posted on 11/05/2013 ( 44 moms have responded )

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I'm starting to feel aggravated the way my boyfriend discipline or talks to my 4 yrs old baby girl.. He has to son in Puerto Rico and to my understanding he gets mad when his own parents grandparents of his son dicipline them, So my opinion why should I let him discipline my daughter when he's not her biological father and he definitely doesn't like no one to discipline his kids but him... Frustrated right now! Need opinions..,,

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/08/2013

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Since you're so fond of yelling, and it's quite obvious that you haven't really read your responses, I will respond in kind

WHY ARE YOU STILL ASKING WHAT YOU SHOULD DO??????????????

YOU HAVE STATED THAT THE MAN IS ABUSIVE. YOU HAVE STATED THAT HE IS CONTROLLING. YOU HAVE STATED THAT HE'S ALREADY THREATENED TO KILL YOU IF YOU LEAVE.

WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND????????????

LEAVE THE BASTARD. DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE LEAVING. FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY AND THAT OF THE CHILD THAT YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR PACK YOUR SHIT AND GET THE HELL OUT.

User - posted on 11/08/2013

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Yeah he shouldnt be hitting her, hitting is abuse. Clearly you are upset about him disciplining her and how he talks to her so you need to put an end to it. it is really simple, just tell him that you are her mother and feel that you are the one that needs to discipline her, and if he wants to take care of her as well, he needs to follow your word and how you parent your child, he doesnt need to go against that, and if you dont say anything about it, it will continue and your frustrations will only increase.
Her well being is way more important that how it will make him feel. Do what you feel is right

Nellie - posted on 11/08/2013

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Laura the only person that should be disciplining your child is your. Especially at that age. He is not her father; however, here is no reason why he should be disciplining your child. My husband helped me raise my daughter since she was two months old. My daughter is now 21 and my husband never touched her. But he does have the right to discipline her because he raised her as a real father. If you haven't known your boyfriend for that long, then there is no reason for him disciplining. She is your child. Now if he's been in her life for a long time then yes give him a bit of a lead way to also teach your child but not to the extend of anything further than just speaking with her in a calm and rational way...Don't worry God sees everything...Don't think for a minute that you are a bad mom. Let guidance teach you...

Jennifer - posted on 11/11/2013

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He should not be disciplining her with any type of force. Now, time out or a stern "NO," I would say is ok. But especially if the two of you are not married or plan to be in the future, I dont think its acceptable. I know from my cousins experience that it is not a good idea. Her b/f was secretly abusing her child and it ended very tragically with her baby passing away. So, PLEASE do not allow him to discipline her with any type of forceful action.

User - posted on 11/09/2013

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Im not trying to be mean in any way, from one concerned momma to another, after you finish this relationship, and you move forward to the next, maybe you need to wait longer for your daughter to be around the boyfriend. It would be safer to at least know him for a while, see what he is about, and then little by little introduce your daughter to him. I know in some persons you might not get to know them in a months period because sometimes they change personalities and become different from when you first met them, but at least this was you can say that you made an honest effort in protecting your little one, and ensuring that she would only have the best persons in her life.

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Jennifer - posted on 11/11/2013

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I don't believe you should allow him to discipline your child at all! Sometimes people take disciplining someone else child to the extremes and that's when relationships and a whole bunch of craziness happens!

If you guys are fairly serious and you guys are thinking about settling down and becoming a family, I guess it's okay if he's trying to be a father figure to her; but if her father is in her life then he has no right to discipline her at all. I think you should just sit down and talk to him and ask him does he realize what hes doing and how its effecting you.

Laura - posted on 11/11/2013

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Omg im so sorry to hear that.., Now this story was very helpful also the other ones, Im deff getting the f$%& out all of u were a suport and really healpd me alot.., thanks moms BLESSINGS

Samara - posted on 11/10/2013

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If he threatens you or you truly feel in danger be sure that you always tell someone (anyone) where you are at all times and yes, do leave. Don't keep in contact with him & don't tell him where you are going. Make sure you tell your child's school or babysitter or whoever may have her from time to time that he is not to take her and should not be expected to be around her- just in case. Document things he does or says and keep your money safe so that you can leave as soon as possible. It sucks but tell whoever you have to and take whatever help you got to to get out- it will all be temporary and you are strong so you have to just trust you can set up a new life again without him. Any way, I don't know your situation but I just wanted to put that out there in case it helps.

Good luck to you.

Samara - posted on 11/10/2013

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From experience, please don't allow him to discipline your daughter. You are her mother and he has no right to lay a hand or harsh word on her. Remember she is a child and a small one at that. Children are difficult- that's what they do- to learn, to test boundaries, to see what it is that you believe and can show them. I don't doubt that it's not frustrating for both of you BUT you really have to be very, very careful because no matter what your daughter is looking to you to protect her, keep her safe & also looks to you (no one else) to guide her in life. She will lose faith & respect for you eventually if you step back and allow someone else (especially someone who is not her father) to take the reigns on how to deal with her. The fact that your boyfriend has even stepped into that position is a bit frightening because he should know better than to assume that role no matter how your daughter effects him or how close they may be. If he doesn't respect your view on parenting her, I hate to tell you but he is not the man for you. I have a 10 yr old and a 1 yr old and I had to break up with my youngest son's father simply because he was so over-bearing & picky with my older son and I can tell you it truly did hurt my relationship with my son & me. I had to earn back his trust because by being stuck in the middle & trying to make everyone happy means you also sacrifice standing up for your child sometimes on things you know in your heart aren't as big of a deal as made out to be. Those things will be remembered by your child even if they're not so bad- like beatings and such. Trust me- No relationship is worth breaking the trust & bond you have by birth to your child. Your child will always love you, no matter your mistakes or short-comings, but only as long as you always show her that she is more important to you then any other relationship. I have been in relationships where a man makes me feel like I am not disciplining my child effectively enough and I can say honestly, looking back, that was never the issue. The real issue was, in part, their need to be in control as a man and also that they were not patient nor understanding of the way children develop & didn't trust in the fact that kids do go in & out of cycles & times of being difficult and a lot of the 'acting out" is their way of expressing that they are stressed, upset & hurt by the way things are being handled. Kids look to their parents to understand & be patient with them while they grow just as they look to you to set certain boundaries they can count on. Those are up to you & your instincts, definitely not his.

Esther - posted on 11/09/2013

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I understand you want him in your life as well as your daughters but it is your job to disipline your daughter not anyone else. He should never place his hands on her, first she is 4 years old, what trouble can she possibly get into. and when she becomes a teen she will remind you that you did not protect her when she felt she needed.
I have a 13 year old daughter who was difficult when she was a toddler and i was in a relationship with my now husband who is her step father. He always made sure to be a friend to her but at the same time a stern figure. He has never placed a hand on my daughter and i would never allow it. But my daughter loves him and respects him i think more so becuase of that. My hudband always stepped back and allowed me to deal with a situation on my own and then spoke to my daughter about her actions. If you truely see a future with this guy you need to make that change. Or your daughter will not have a good relationship with him later

Ashley - posted on 11/09/2013

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You should check out www.whengeorgiasmiled.org from there there's an aspire website and app that you should check out its Robin McGraws new website to help with domestic abuse I think it would be helpful for you I wish you and your daughter the best!

David - posted on 11/08/2013

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Im a farther who has two sons and a daughter my sons have now got a second man living with there mother and I think/believe/feel that the parents are the people who are responsible for there up bringing and as far as im aware tge men who have been there mums partners have never smacked or disciplined my sons physically and why should they I wouldn't let my own parents smack them if they had a problem with MY children's behaviour they tell me or my ex and we discipline OUR children how we see fit my exes boyfriend has told my boys off and sometimes I agree but still its not hes right/role/business to do so its there mothers or mine and im lucky the men who entered into there lives which I found hard to accept at first have been ok as far as I know even though the first one left her and dont have no contact with my boys no more which upset them at first but they have never beat/smacked or shouted at MY children and is why we have a civilised relationship we say hi how you doing bla bla bla what I feel is good so the children dont see dislike conflict between them........thats just my situation but I feel that's how it should be what right has your boyfriend got to smack your children?? Your the parent you discipline your children they are your flesh and blood not hes .......no partner will love or have there best intrest at heart like you will/have if he cant handle that fuck him off he is an adult and should conduct himself like one and have self control I dont even like there mother doing it ......oh and by the way I got beat/smacked as a child and believe I deserved it and it done me no harm but ive only smacked one of mine when he spat at my other son its discusting and I wont have it after I explain I love him and why I smacked hes bum and made sure he understood he has to my knowledge never repeated that behaviour I believe its last resort and there are other ways but if need be me or there mum are the only people who have the right to discipline OUR in that way .....remember your child's feelings come first and also they will remember them smacks when theu get older I do and im now 33 lol but sometimes my farther was ott because he was very strict and was a very hard man but I remember why he done it and how good a dad he was in between them times and I respect him and know hes actions was what he believed was right as most parents do but if my mother had amother man and stood by why he smacked me trust I wouldn't of forgot or forgave ........your clearly dont feel comfortable with this situation because you have posted on here and you obviously have your child's best intrest but why post on here you know your not happy with it regardless of what people like myself comment otherwise I wouldn't be replying right now !!
Tell him whem it comes to disciplining YOUR child/children its your way or tge highway if he was a decent man and respected you and your child he would understand and stop immediately no questions asked if not he fuck him off before your children resent you/him when they are adults or and I really hope not he goes to far one day and really does serious damage I mean gor god sake its a 4 yr old girl .......does she really need smacking?? What does she do to deserve a smack as I say there is lots of ways to discipline smacking is last resort ......im fact smacking a 4 girl shows he has no self control or parenting skills he sounds like a bully control freak in fact the more I think about this why aint you just fucked him off ?????

Brooklyn - posted on 11/08/2013

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Absolutely NOT! Just because he's your boyfriend does not mean he's any type of father figure to your daughter. YOU are her protector and main disciplinary figure, if he has something to add as far as her discipline goes, he should tell you and let you handle it. That's a fast way for a child to mistrust. Both of you. Please don't let him out his hands on your daughter. I'd have put my hands on him by now. Stand up for that baby!!!!

[deleted account]

Is your boyfriend good for YOU? He's obviously not a good male role model for her. Remember, children repeat what they SEE, not just what we tell them.

[momoftwo] - posted on 11/08/2013

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Agreed with the other ladies, and again DO NOT TELL HIM YOU'RE LEAVING.

Shelley - posted on 11/08/2013

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Honestly, I don't know why you keep asking for advice when you have been getting the same answer. LEAVE NOW!!! I am having trouble with the fact that you are willing to continue to put your daughters health and possibly life at risk.

Brandi - posted on 11/08/2013

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Leave!!!! Jus sayin if he cant descipline the way u ask him too than he doesnt respect you and can Escalade to more than just hitting, be careful who u trust with ur kids!!

Laura - posted on 11/08/2013

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Exactly.... Iam gona put a end to it, Because he interfere alot in how I discipline my bby girl and I deff don't gota hit her for her to understand what's good ND bad bcuz by me talking I know she will understand he always tries to tell me all u do its talk blah blah blah ND etc ... I'm also afraid on telln me he had said that imonly his that he will eliminate me if I ever leave him... I really Dk what to do in this situation.... ANY ADVICES LADIES???

User - posted on 11/08/2013

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Im sorry I didnt read the other posts before I wrote. If he is trying to be manipulative and controlling to you and you have only been together for 4 months, it certainly can get worse the more comfortable he gets knowing he can control you. I do recommend you get yourself out of the situation before it comes harm to your family. Do not wait for it to get better, if he was right for you, he would not even come close to treating you or your daughter badly.

Laura - posted on 11/08/2013

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I understand that, But as I repeat myself IS NOT ONLY ABOUT HITTING IT'S ALSO DISCIPLINE OR SCREAM TO MY UNDERSTANDING ME ND HER BIOLOGICAL DADDY COULD DO THAT BUT NOT NO MOFO THAT TRIES TO TAKE THE SHOES AS LIKE HE WAS HER DADDY Y SI ME ENTIENDES ESA NO ERA PORQUE SOLO LA REPRENDO YO Y SU VERDADERO PADRE COMO PLASCAMOS... THAT'S ALL IM TRYING TO SAY,NOT ONLY HITTING BUT HES DEFF NOT ALLOWD TO SCREAM OR DISCIPLINE HER BCUZ THATS WHY IM HERE AND EVN THO IM NOT WIT HER BIOLOGICAL FATHER BUT THAT'S. Y HES ALSO THERE.., IMHO NO STEP DADDY OR BOYFRIEND IS ALLOWD TO DISCIPLINE HIT OR SCREAM A CHILD THAT'S NOT HIS PERIOD.... Thanks Hun for ur opinion... Blessings

[deleted account]

regardless what DNA is involved, step or biological father, no grown man should be "hitting" a child

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/08/2013

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IMHO, yes, you should leave. I've listed the reasons in my prior answer.

Laura - posted on 11/08/2013

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Thank you so much... Yes,Thats one main problem he doesn't like my punishment towards her and I told him he likes it or not is my daughter he wants me to be strong with her like if she's 10 yrs old and I can't bcuz she's only 4 and she still don't have d same understanding that older kids have... It's frustrated because he wants to tell me wat and how I got do to raise my child and for me that's incorrect cuz its my DAUGHTER and she has a BIOLOGICAL FATHER.. He got mad cuz I told him don't lift ur hands at her anything she does lmk don't go over me and besides we only been together 4 mnths he's DEFINITELY NOT PUTTING HIS HANDS OR SCREAMING OR DISCIPLINE THE WAY I DONT DO IT.... SHOULD I STILL LEAVE??

[deleted account]

the fact that he wants to "hit" your daughter is a sign that he lacks self control. discipline is correction not violence.

Cassie - posted on 11/07/2013

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there is nothing wrong with him assigning punishment if he is alone with the child but only like time outs or being sent to her room or no tv. Never let anyone lay a hand on your child. Number one I don't believe in hitting a child but if anyone is going to do it, it should only be the biological parent. If you are around you place the punishment. If he does not think your punishment is appropriate he needs to understand you are her mother and he is not her father. He's not even a step father. You need to set the rules and if he can't accept them then I'm sorry but he don't need to be around.

Maria - posted on 11/07/2013

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I think u should just leave. IF U LOVE UR DAUGHTER GET OUT. IT WILL ONLY GET WORST IVE BEEN THRU A SITUATION THE SAME E ACT WAY AND GETTING HIT BY A GUY IS NOT FUN.

Crystal - posted on 11/06/2013

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If you don't want him to then stop it. He is a boyfriend not your husband. He has no right. If ya'll were married then there would need to be a discussion and an understanding about what discipline will take place and who will give the discipline. But until then. He needs to stay in the "boyfriend place". Further more if you feel that he is mistreating your children and you do not agree with how the discipline is being done, it might be bet to leave him alone. It will only get worse, seeing as how people usually put their best foot forward before a wedding takes place. Beware of warning signs!!!

[deleted account]

It looks like you are with a control freak.I can imagine why you are scared. I hope you will be able to get out of this relationship. It does not sound healthy for either you or your daughter. But I also wish he can get help for himself so he can leave you alone forever. You might feel threatened even after you leave.

Shelley - posted on 11/05/2013

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Please, for the sake of you and your daughter get out!! Call the local shelters and leave! Please be committed to staying away, send the message loud and clear to your daughter, that you will do anything to keep her safe. Do this so your daughter will be free of the chains of violence!

[momoftwo] - posted on 11/05/2013

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Just like Shawnn said, do not mention it to him at all because it will cause him to snap.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/05/2013

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CALL A SHELTER NOW. You are being manipulated by a controlling, abusive personality.

ANY TIME someone threatens you, you leave. You do not continue to expose yourself and your child to potential abuse. You need to call a women's shelter, get protection and get yourself out.

Your brain is "confused" because he's getting in your head. YOU DO NOT NEED HIM to be a successful parent and adult. Your daughter needs you to recognize this and take the necessary steps to get out now.

And I do NOT advocate telling him you're leaving until you are safely out. If you need protection to get your things, the shelter will be able to arrange it, but if you tell him...it's very likely that he will break on the spot and try to kill you and your daughter. He's already told you he would.

Bridget - posted on 11/05/2013

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If you tell him and he doesn't except it and he gets mad because you leave don't worry about it just leave for your safety and kids safety because 9 times out me 10 he will try to start an argument.... my advice I'm giving you is to just leave because you and your kids can do better

Laura - posted on 11/05/2013

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Thanks! Im Just a Little. Bit scared.... That it has my mind that idk what to do...,

[momoftwo] - posted on 11/05/2013

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If he is abusive you can always have the police escourt you and your daughter when you're bringing your stuff out. Guys like that always get worse. He's already death-threated you when it came down to if you ever leaving him so that should be enough. He shouldn't be putting his hands on your little girl either. :(
I hope yous stay safe.

Bridget - posted on 11/05/2013

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Yes he just feel like you have to be his and can't nobody else have you but yes just leave

Laura - posted on 11/05/2013

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Thank you so much... I'm really scared in leaving he has manipulated me in all type of ways and he says that I better be his or else I'll be 6 feet underground, I was told that he's just trying to manipulate me for me to be scared of him... Its really frustrated... There's always arguments for tiny things I mean things that are not even important and he always flipps out...He has randomly accused me of everything, I mean even stuff of my past and stuff I haven't done... I feel like a fish without water,I'm scared and frustrated....

Bridget - posted on 11/05/2013

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I mean for your daughters safety and your safety I personally think you should leave because they shouldn't be put through a situation like that... possibly in the future it could get worse to the point where he starts putting his hands on you so I would just leave

Laura - posted on 11/05/2013

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So what should I do??? Should I stay or leave?? In the feature will it get better or worse???

Bridget - posted on 11/05/2013

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No because I mean if he doesn't have that much respect for your daughters he doesn't have respect for you especially with them not being his kids

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