Should I let my boys go live with their father?

Samantha - posted on 10/09/2014 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I have been split up with the father of my children for 8 years. We have not always gotten along but within the last few years we do. My boys are 9 and 11. My boys have their good and bad days but the bad days are bad days. I have done everything to make them happy. Get them involved in sports, do extra activities when I have money, spend quality time with them when we are at home like playing games, cook dinner together, ect.. but when I don't do something for them or they don't get their way. I get called names, they will not stop yelling or hitting me and sometimes will just run away. Everyone says I'm a good mother and I'm not doing anything wrong but I feel like i am. I have taken them to counselors and they are fine for them but then at school the 11 year old is having huge problems and I'm working with the school but nothing is working. I have thought about putting them in a boot camp but they say I'm a bad mother for saying I would do that. Since I the father and I split I have had a couple serious relationships but they all end because these guys can not handle the way my boys are. I just don't know what to do and I just want to crawl in a whole some days and not come out because I don't know what is best for my boys anymore.

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Ev - posted on 10/09/2014

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First thanks for clarification on the situation because there was not a whole lot to go on and that is why I asked the things I did. You should not feel bad for letting dad have them. But having let this go for 5 years is 5 too long. I think maybe some intervention of another kind should have come to place and I am not understanding at this point why some of the counselors or even the school system did not suggest other things. But the boot camp as I said is for very extreme kids. Have you talked to their dad about maybe military schools?

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Ev - posted on 10/09/2014

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The only other recourse may be that boot camp but I am not sure the process to go through to do that. I do know that in cases I have read about sometimes the parents have had to have Family Services step in and help to handle the situation and sometimes the kids went to a group home for help. Others went to juvenile hall. It just depends on what the family services and family court have to say in that and I am not sure that is an option you are looking for either but it may be your only other hope. I know you were trying to help over the five years but if you were getting the same things over and over from counselors and others, it could have been a red flag that they were not doing enough. If you and your own mother think military school is the best option you may have to go to court and have the judge determine what to do.

Samantha - posted on 10/09/2014

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I know I didn't put much in my first post, it was 1am or 2am and I found this site and posted something hoping someone would respond to it. and letting it go on for 5 year is way to long I know that to but it wasn't like I wasn't trying to get help this whole time. I have been and no seems to be able to figure out why they are the way they are. I have talked to their father about military school and he says no because its showing them that we gave up on them. My mother was against the military school idea to at first but now she is 100% on board. It took them being violent with her to understand what I go through several times a month first though.

Samantha - posted on 10/09/2014

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Yes I have custody of the kids and their father gets them every other weekend and watches them after school until I get off work at 5pm. Like I said we have a good relationship and Yes I understand he would start getting the child support instead of me that would only be right. So for him not letting me see the kids, yes I guess that would be possible but we have a good relationship and I don't see that as a problem.
Their father and I have talked about the situation. He says I'm not strict enough with them and so have my past relationships. This is not a situation where I'm just tired of dealing with the kids. The schools have a had the to call the cops on the kids before, I have had to, we have went to family counseling and the school counselors are involved with the children. It gets better and as soon as we all think we are getting somewhere with them they take a sharp left turn and its like we are starting all over again.
Their father will talk to them until he is blue in his face that they have to respect me and behave but as soon as he is gone it all starts back up.
I have had several counselors talk to them and only one that actually gave me hope and is nowretired.
The littlest of things can set these guys off. If I make them do their homework.. But when they get upset that no longer happens, I cook the wrong thing for dinner, I want them to come in when it gets dark, I won't let them go somewhere, I want to watch for a little bit tv when I get a chance.
I have been dealing with this for almost 5 years now and as they get older they get stronger and have started leaving marks on me.
I guess the real question is do you think this is going to be the way they are until something snaps in them to make them realize this isn't right? and if so I don't know if living with me is the best option.
With my last relationship the guy, me and their father were all working together as a team to figure them out but the guy just couldn't handle it anymore because his son would never treat me or his sister the way my kids treated each other and were towards me, and he would get them things and appraise them when they did good but then at least four times a month or more my boys would act like the whole world was go to end and the rest of the time sometimes they behaved and sometimes it was more boys will be boys type thing, and when they started breaking things in his house and disrespecting everything around them he said he loves me and the boys, I'm a good mom but something needs to be done with the boys, and he asked me to move out.
I understand I'm mom but everyone can leave including their father and I'm left dealing with it still. I just don't know when enough is enough or if their father's house is a better place because they behave for the most part there but then again they are not there full time so that could change if they moved in with him. I'm barely hanging on to my rope grasping for the knot that is going to help me in this situation. I love my boys dearly and when they are behaving and I'm cuddling with them. I think how could I let them go live with someone else but then I think about how they are most of the time and my mind says maybe thats what they need.

Ev - posted on 10/09/2014

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Do you have a custody order?

If you do and want to let them go live with dad it might need to be changed over which means if you have child support coming in it will go to him if you reverse this.

If you do not have a custody order in place, and you give up the boys to him, he has the same rights as you do and does not have to let you see them unless you took it to court.

Just food for thought there.

Questions:

Are they good as gold only when they get their ways about things?

What things doe they have fits over when they do not get their ways?

You have to understand that they still be struggling with you and dad being split, the aforementioned couple of relationships, and so on. Did the boys meet the new men when you were in those relationships and did they attach to those men? If they did in some way its going to reshock their system and remind them of you and dad splitting up. Its going to hurt. And I can not believe a counselor said they were fine. You also have to understand if this is not about the relationships, then they are acting like normal 11 year old and 9 year old boys are. But the hitting, yelling and name calling is not good signs of things either. Maybe have an evaluation done by another counselor. Have the school's counselor talk to them. Something has to be driving this. As for boot camp, that might not be a great idea at all. Usually those kind are for kids that have driven things to the extreme and parents have lost all hope of getting through to them.

So where is dad in all this? Does he not know what is going on and how they are treating you when they do not get their way? Why is he not in on what is going on at school with the 11 year old? Does he know of that?

I think that family counseling is really your answer here. If the other counselors have ruled out anything else with this, maybe like I said its the boys' struggle with loosing dad and then two more relationships and how they were treated during those times. I don't know for sure. But you have to understand that kids suffer the most from this and do not have control and that is another issue behind why they act this way. Just a thought there. I would try the family counselor but also get dad on board if you can at all to get this solved. If things do not change over another year, then talk to dad about him taking them on. Sometimes a male hand is what the boys need over a female just because there are some things males get that females do not.

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