Should I let my MIL and SIL around my baby after they seek the ilegitimate child?

Janelys - posted on 03/31/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I just recently became pregnant and I'm dealing with decision of wether or not to let my in laws be a part of my babies life. My fiance has two children from a previous relationship which I have no problem with. Prior to ending his relationship with his childrens mother he was involved with a married woman who at the time was separated from her husband. She decided to return with her husband and soon after became pregnant. Years passed and I met my now fiance. Almost a year into our relationship the married woman tracks my fiance to tell him that she has doubts regarding her babies partenity. She didn't know if it was my fiance's or her husbands. They took a DNA test and effectively it turned out to be my fiances child. This woman told my fiance she didn't want him to have anything to do with her baby and decided to continue fooling her husband into beleiving it was his baby ( her husband didn't know they took a DNA test). In the end she ended up confesing to her husband and he forgave her and said he would continue to raise and recognize the child as his own.

Now the problem starts. My fiance stupidly told his mother the truth since she always said that could be his baby. As soon as she found out she practically told all of his family. Now my MIL and SIL are reaching out to the other woman as to keep in touch with the baby. They are also telling my husbands other children about this ilegimate child that has nothing to do with my fiance. We as a couple decided since they wanted him in no part related to the child that we would go our way as if she didn't exist and keep it a secret. I even told him that if he wanted to recognize the other child and fight for his rights that he could but that I wouldn't be by his side. I feel that a man with 3 three children to support doesn't have much to provide. Especially when I at the time didn't have any children.

I have gotten into arguments with the MIL and SIL about them going against our decisions, and I'm not in speaking terms with them. But I know that once I have my baby they are going to want to be around her. But the thing is I don't want them around her because I don't want my child to know about "the secret", and because I especially don't trust people that go against my back around what will be the most precious thing in my life.

Am I making the right decision in not letting them come around?

I know the ilegitimate child has to fault. Yet I feel that since her mother decided her faith and chose to exclude my fiance that I then have no need to recognize her existence.

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Mommabird - posted on 02/28/2015

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I agree with the other ladies here. I think you should put all of your personal feelings aside on this one. Don't be one of those Moms who punishes the child for things even You can't control. Your thinking the mil and sil will cower to you if you keep your child from them...that's wrong. Its definitely not fair for your child to be kept away from family. Theyre not child abusers, alcoholics, drug users, psychotic people...theyre people with good hearts. How do I know that?...The fact that they can love any child out there simply because of blood...regardless of the situation.
As far as "recognizing her existence"...how can someone NOT recognize the existence of a child?? Would you want Your child growing up without a father and thinking he never loved her and probably never will?? That's sad. Children are gifts! They deserve to be loved by anyone whose willing to give it.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/27/2015

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“My fiance stupidly told his mother the truth since she always said that could be his baby. As soon as she found out she practically told all of his family”~~Not to be bitchy, but maybe he told her so that she COULD be the person to tell the family.
“Now my MIL and SIL are reaching out to the other woman as to keep in touch with the baby”~~And if ‘this other woman’ doesn’t wish the contact, she’ll tell them. I’m assuming, from the tone of your post, that she’s allowing contact.
“They are also telling my husbands other children about this ilegimate child that has nothing to do with my fiancé”~~A couple things here: First, your fiance’s other children deserve to know about any siblings they have. Second, this child has EVERYTHING to do with your fiancé…due to the fact that the paternity test is proven. Nice try, though.
“. I even told him that if he wanted to recognize the other child and fight for his rights that he could but that I wouldn't be by his side. I feel that a man with 3 three children to support doesn't have much to provide”~~You’re hilarious! You’re pregnant, so to hell with the prior children that this man fathered???? Sorry, sweetie. Your man has fathered 2 legitimate children, and one illegitimate, plus the pending child that you are pregnant with. If YOU don’t think he can support ALL of the children he helps create, why did you create another? RESPONSIBILITY. He had sex, he created children during at least 4 sexual encounters, it is his RESPONSIBILITY to provide for those children. Or, would you rather he decide not to support yours if you split, because its easier not to? That street goes both ways. If you don’t want him to support the other children, don’t expect support for yours.
“I have gotten into arguments with the MIL and SIL about them going against our decisions, and I'm not in speaking terms with them”~~You cannot control the actions of other adults, nor should you try to dictate to them who they can or cannot communicate with. That’s selfish and immature.
“But I know that once I have my baby they are going to want to be around her. But the thing is I don't want them around her because I don't want my child to know about "the secret"”~~By “THE SECRET” you mean your fiance’s 3rd child with another woman? You mean, your own child’s biological half sibling?...Guess what. You won’t be able to keep “THE SECRET” long, in this day and age…
“Yet I feel that since her mother decided her faith and chose to exclude my fiance that I then have no need to recognize her existence”~~You’re correct. You don’t. However, if your fiancé is any type of honorable man, he will want to know that child, and may possibly fight for his rights. Can you handle that?

I think you're being immature and selfish with your decision, personally.

Chana - posted on 02/27/2015

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Do not keep your child from having a grandma and an aunt. My mom is deceased and although I have 4 siblings 2 of them do not associate with me or my 2 young daughters. It breaks my heart knowing that they are missing out on family because my sisters want nothing to do with me or them. They one thing that makes it easier is that I have wonderful in-laws that would do anything for me and my girls.

Michelle - posted on 04/01/2013

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"The secret" as you put it isn't anything to do with you, the child is your Fiance's. You have no say in how things turn out there so it might be best to back off from arguing with your in laws about it. It's his argument.

Why are you going to deny your child knowing it's Grandmother and Aunt? To me I find it cruel just because of something going on in the family that hasn't got anything to do with you.

Yes you can choose who is around your child but I don't agree at all with your decision. Life is far too short to hold such petty grudges. How are you going to feel when your child grows up and wants to meet their Grandmother but it's too late? When they are gone they are gone and you can't turn the clock back for a do over.

I think you need to step back and not involved with all the children that your fiance has Fathered. Just worry about your own.

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