Should I marry this man

Maryk - posted on 01/27/2016 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I am engaged to be married to this wonderful guy with 4 kids from 3 different mothers. I have 1 child from my previous relationship and I am currently pregnant with our own child. We were planning to get married this year but he doesn't want us to discuss the plans because I don't talk about his kids when we discussing our future plan neither does he include mu child in any of the discussions. He wants me to take my son back to my mum or my baby daddy when we get married but he expects me to stay with his kids once we are married. I find it very unfair and difficult to understand that. That is why I even suggested to him that his kids must continue staying in a boarding school they will visit us during holidays or month ends. He will not be even staying with me because he works very far but still insist that I must take his kids. Im not an angel and I have feelings too. at least if he was willing to meet me halfway that I also take my son and his kids plus the one we are expecting, I would have settled but mine will be left out. I know this will make my marriage fail, his kids have their mothers who are not even responsible and now that burden has to be mine yet im told that since my son has a supportive father he must go and stay with him or at my moms place. Sometimes I am made to believe that the man I had wish to spend all my life with is selfish and he doesn't want my child and how can he expect me to love and care for his kids im no angel. I feel he must take care of his kids on the side and they will either stay in a boarding school or with his mom as well and I will also send my son to stay with my mom and will take care of him there than our joint responsibility will be this new baby that is ours than I can be at peace. I am really confused he wants me to just forget that I have a child and I must just take his. I will not be able to treat them as mine and truth be told they belong with their moms as well not that I hate them but I hate the responsibility that comes with this. im currently assisting there and there with his kids but he never appreciates. there is never a time where he will ask if my son has anything he would want to be assisted ob but he expects me to be this supermom who always needs to know whats happening in his kids life. Its killing me and its destroying me. I have lost the faith in what we share because of this and he doesn't understand he is selfish. I wish I can get someone to talk some sense to me maybe im unreasonable.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/27/2016

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Oh for...

Thanks for breaking it down Evelyn! It saddens me to say this, but NEITHER OF YOU are good, quality parenting material.

Here's how I see it: "Lets see...we've already each got kids from a previous relationship, but we can't be bothered to actually be ADULTS and parent them. We'd rather shove them off to boarding school, or foist them off on relatives than be adults and learn how to blend a family."

Plus, you've got another poor soul on the way...How long before the two of you decide that this one's in the way too?

IMO, you're BOTH selfish.

Ev - posted on 01/27/2016

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As I said, Shawnn, it saddens me to read this kind of thing. When someone can call their partner wonderful but then in almost the same sentence talk how this person treats their kids yet they also do not think highly of the partner's kids...that is a red flag. And then later "made to believe"...that is not quite right either. She knew what she was getting into before this post was made. I hope she takes my break down for what it is worth and thinks about things before going on with a marriage.

Dove - posted on 01/27/2016

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Wow... I just read your 'play by play' Evelyn and it's probably good that I didn't read the whole thing before I responded originally...

It doesn't sound like either adult in this relationship has any business being a parent or in a relationship w/ anyone who has children. So much self centered attitude oozing out of here.... too bad it's all the kids that suffer the most. :(

Dove - posted on 01/27/2016

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I only read the first few sentences. This does not sound like a good relationship for either of you. Unfortunately you have already pro-created w/ this man, so will need to figure out how to still deal w/ him for at least the next 18 years in order to co-parent.

As far as marrying him or continuing any sort of romantic relationship... not a chance.

Michelle - posted on 01/27/2016

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I would be running for the hills!!!!!
There is NO WAY a man would EVER come between my children and myself!!! How can you even be thinking about this?
Your job as a Mother is to be there for you CHILD, NOT a man who wants you to forget you had a child before him.
Get away and make sure you file for custody, visitation and child support as soon as this new baby is born.

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Carlesha - posted on 01/28/2016

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Neither of you should be parents , I completely agree with the comments made and you certainly should not get married because you guys do not love each other to consider the package of one another's life. I don't think anything or anyone will help you both because he does not want children. I was with a man who had children outside of our relationship and I did not mother the child because she was not mine and we had no idea if she was his but I helped him care for her and supported him though we were expecting our own. In the end the child was not his but we took the role of a parent and an adult by caring for both our child and the other. You HAVE to consider that these children come with the package that is your life and if you both can't accept the others child then you will never last and your both wasting your time. How could you even consider giving your child away just to satisfy a man , no matter how much of a "good man" you may think he is. Your children ALWAYS come first. Your children will love you but they will grow to dislike you and possible hate and resent you for your selfish choice and that's worst than losing that man you decided you want to marry. Y'all are not being parents at all and maybe shouldn't have gotten pregnant before marriage , it's clear he is not with ANY of his baby mothers and he has quit a few so maybe you should do a check on that too. But it's none of my business, just my opinion from one mother to another.

Michelle - posted on 01/28/2016

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He may be a wonderful man but he sucks as a Father.
Like Gena said, if you have to ask a bunch of complete strangers then you would probably know the answer.

Gena - posted on 01/27/2016

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My opinion is that if you have to ask online if you should marry or not,its already a bad sign. Personally I don't think it will work out and I would leave. Like others have said,there are just too many red flags in this.

Jodi - posted on 01/27/2016

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OMG, SO many red flags I can't even count. Why, oh WHY would anyone choose to have a baby with this man? And marry each other? Oh no, that would be SO toxic. Those poor, poor children. All of them.

Ev - posted on 01/27/2016

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I just saw a lot of things that did not sound right from the mom's perspective and then what was said about her man. I saddens me to read stuff like this.

Ev - posted on 01/27/2016

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"I am engaged to be married to this wonderful guy with 4 kids from 3 different mothers. I have 1 child from my previous relationship and I am currently pregnant with our own child. We were planning to get married this year but he doesn't want us to discuss the plans because I don't talk about his kids when we discussing our future plan neither does he include mu child in any of the discussions."
~~~This is a red flag here to me. First you call him wonderful but he does not want to talk about your kid and you do not talk about his kids. Neither of you are being wonderful parents. When you marry someone who has kids previous to you and you have them previous to them, they do become part of that family no matter if he has primary care or not and the same of you. These kids should be considered into the mix as well as they will be FAMILY.
" He wants me to take my son back to my mum or my baby daddy when we get married but he expects me to stay with his kids once we are married. I find it very unfair and difficult to understand that. That is why I even suggested to him that his kids must continue staying in a boarding school they will visit us during holidays or month ends."
~~~it is not fair to any of the kids to be required to live else where until holidays or tthe end of month. This sends a message that the kids are not worth it to the parents.
" He will not be even staying with me because he works very far but still insist that I must take his kids. Im not an angel and I have feelings too. at least if he was willing to meet me halfway that I also take my son and his kids plus the one we are expecting, I would have settled but mine will be left out."
~~~You are right, it would be more fair to take on all the kids but this is not about you or him but the best interests of the kids.
" I know this will make my marriage fail, his kids have their mothers who are not even responsible and now that burden has to be mine yet im told that since my son has a supportive father he must go and stay with him or at my moms place."
~~~Again this is not fair to any of the kids. It would most likely make a marriage fail. He is not being fair or consistent with you about anything for the relationship or the kids involved.
" Sometimes I am made to believe that the man I had wish to spend all my life with is selfish and he doesn't want my child and how can he expect me to love and care for his kids im no angel."
~~~You are not being made to believe anything about this man. He is selfish and so are you by stating how can you be expected to love those kids. You knew he had kids in the first place and still continued with the relationship and even got pregnant to have a child with him. The kids did not ask for this and its not their fault that things have turned out this way.
" I feel he must take care of his kids on the side and they will either stay in a boarding school or with his mom as well and I will also send my son to stay with my mom and will take care of him there than our joint responsibility will be this new baby that is ours than I can be at peace."
~~~You will only be at peace if all the kids are being cared for by another person and you two just take care of the new baby? How unfair is this!?
" I am really confused he wants me to just forget that I have a child and I must just take his. I will not be able to treat them as mine and truth be told they belong with their moms as well not that I hate them but I hate the responsibility that comes with this."
~~~Regardless of how he wants you to think of your child and wanting you to love his, this is a bad attitude to have for possible step kids. Just because they have their moms does not mean you could not become a loving adult to care for them. They did not ask for this to happen to them. And as for the rsponsiblity of caring for other kids you knew he had them from the get go. They are part of the package with him just as your child is a part of the package with you.
" im currently assisting there and there with his kids but he never appreciates. there is never a time where he will ask if my son has anything he would want to be assisted ob but he expects me to be this supermom who always needs to know whats happening in his kids life. Its killing me and its destroying me. I have lost the faith in what we share because of this and he doesn't understand he is selfish. I wish I can get someone to talk some sense to me maybe im unreasonable."
~~And with this last part of your post, I would call it off, get the custody/child support/visitation all worked out. Maybe you should not get involved with someone who has kids as from your postings you do not sound like you want to take on another's kids. It becomes a part of the package of either a man or woman who have kids. You can not just push his kids aside and expect him to concentrate totally on your kids nor should he expect the same of you. You both would also benefit from counseling too.

Raye - posted on 01/27/2016

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You should both be willing to co-parent ALL the children, and be on the same page with raising them, or else you should not be in a relationship.

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