Should I move in with my baby's father?

Danielle - posted on 04/19/2013 ( 24 moms have responded )

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I'm 19 and pregnant with a little girl. Not involved with the guy but he wants me to move into his house so he can help raise her. Well should I? Should I and my son from a previous relationship move in with my second baby's father if me and the guy aren't together?

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Sarah - posted on 04/19/2013

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No. That spells trouble.....lots of issues and in the end lots of hurt. Your son also does not need to see guys coming and going from your life. That only creates lots of issues for your son as he grows. If the father of this baby wants to help there are plenty of other ways he can help.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/19/2013

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Agreed with everything Dove and Shawnn already said. One thing to add. What do I think you should do? Seriously? Get on birth control and stay that way for a long time until you have your life figured out.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/19/2013

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I would stop focusing on men, period. You are 19, have one young son, and another baby on the way.

If he is willing to help raise her, then by all means, LET HIM DO THAT. It does not require living together, nor sleeping together.

Every time you drag your kids into a new relationship, they build up hope for that relationship in regards to themselves. They get attached to these people, and they are disappointed when they leave. They do not understand that these men are not fathers, not husbands, just flings that mommy has. It is completely unfair.

When you DO have a man that is totally committed to you, and your children, and has demonstrated so by being around (not for a month, 6 months, etc, but for a YEAR or more, and WITHOUT you sleeping together) and being consistently attentive, responsible, and an all around "good egg", THEN you can begin to introduce the children to their new father figure.

Until then, like I said, this young man has a desire to contribute to the care of his child, and you would be downright stupid to deny him that. After all, he's her father, just as much as you are her mother. Don't ruin that for her.

Kelly - posted on 04/23/2013

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You should mirror the activity you want to see from your daughter.

When you have questions about whether or not you should do something, just ask yourself if you would be happy with your daughter making the same decision.

Dove - posted on 04/19/2013

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I wouldn't. Sounds like trouble and confusion for your children. He can certainly help raise her when you two aren't living together. If a relationship with him has potential.... let it come in time. If not.... maybe stop focusing on guys altogether and just focus on raising your kids for the time being. 19 and about to have a second child with a second man and no committed relationship.....? Your kids do not need to see men coming in and out of your life... and, in turn, theirs.

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Kristi - posted on 04/24/2013

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Another spot on, wonderful comment, Kelly. Danielle is wise to take in what you have to say.

Thank you for attending to other matters with more finesse than say....um, me. ; )

Kelly - posted on 04/24/2013

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Ladies, let's be nice, huh? If we're mean and hateful when people ask for advice, guess what happens? THEY STOP ASKING. And that's no good.

I think a lot of people are focusing a lot of attention on making judgments about your lifestyle, Danielle, and I'm sorry that some of these comments are probably incredibly hurtful to you and not at all constructive.

That said, you want to make sure you set yourself up to provide the best possible life for your children. That life will require stability. The only thing that matters is that you provide a stable, loving home for your children. A home in which you can set an example you want your children to follow.

Your children will learn what relationships are supposed to be like from you. Your daughter will expect to be treated the way that you allow yourself to be treated. Your son will treat women the way you allow yourself to be treated.

You have to decide for yourself and your children what will provide the best environment for them. If your daughter's father is inviting you to share his home and is able to provide separate bedrooms for you and your children, you may consider that having a "roommate" type situation may be good for everyone, depending on what your current living situation is like. In this economy, there is nothing wrong with having a roommate. So much the better if he is an able and willing parent.

If he is asking you and your (soon to be) two children to move into a single room in his house, it sounds like a recipe for disaster. I say this because I believe it sets a bad example for your children. A situation like that will inevitably end in drama and instability, which kind of defeats the purpose of moving in together in the first place.

My aunt has had men in and out of her life for as long as I can remember. She and her 2nd husband separated in August and she had established herself in a new relationship by February. What kind of example do you think that sets for her 9 and 16 year old daughters?

In my mind, nothing is more detrimental to a girl's development than being given the impression that she needs a man in order to be fulfilled.

Anyway, this is all just opinion and I hope that you trust yourself as a mother enough to put serious thought into this and make the best decision for your family. No one knows your babies like you do.

Kristi - posted on 04/23/2013

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Reta--

While we all agree Danielle needs to make wiser choices about having unprotected sex, I don't think it's very helpful or kind to suggest a 19 year old get sterilized. I think it's uncalled for and mean. Just because she's gotten pregnant twice as a teen doesn't mean she's breeding some sort of genetically mutated creatures not fit to be here. At least, she's not running to the abortion clinic.

It also doesn't mean she can't get her act together and settle down with or without a husband and make a good life for her children. She isn't saying she can't handle her son or even having her daughter. She is asking if it is a good idea to move in with the new father.

I was not married to either of my children's fathers. I'm not together with either of them. My kids are friggin rock stars. Could their lives have been a little easier if I was married or still married? Not at all with my daughter's father. Maybe with my son's but he lives with his dad and stepmom and has a great life. My daughter does to sports at the same time, maintains a B+ or better grades, volunteers, helps take care of our neighbor's pets when they are away. She has lots of friends and good manners.

So, it is possible to be a good mom or even a not so good one sometimes (referring to myself) and still raise great kids who are happy and healthy without being married to their baby daddy and without getting "fixed" at age 19.

Ladyt0224 - posted on 04/23/2013

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Reta, the fact that she isn't married really is besides the point. And choosing to "adopt" a set of kids to another person doesn't always go smoothly. Do you have any idea how many kids are bounced from foster home to foster home because the parents figured someone else would just take care of them. The system doesn't tend to turn out the best kids. What this chick needs to do is get her life together an realize when a man just wants her around for sex on demand.

Ladyt0224 - posted on 04/23/2013

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Are you serious? LOL! You have 2 kids, by 2 different guys and you're only 19. Moving in with this "baby's father" when you aren't even in a relationship is a recipe for disaster and drama. It honestly sounds like you need to spend some time getting your life together so that you don't end up playing the role of "baby's momma" to a long list of guys.

If this "man" wants you to move in with him and he won't even commit to being in a relationship with you, then he obviously couldn't care less about you or either one of your kids. I know you're 19, but guess what? You're a mom now. Grow the hell up and start thinking like a responsible adult. Chicks like you make me sick.

Reta - posted on 04/23/2013

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You are only 19 and are pregnant again and are not married to either one of the fathers. I suggest you go get some birth control or sterilized right away. What kind of life are you making for your one child and the one you are pregnant with? Think of them before you go out and have sex with another random guy. If you can't handle motherhood maybe you should adopt the children to parents that can take care of them.

Shannon - posted on 04/23/2013

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If you're not with there is not sense in moving in with him as it calls for disaster. I was a teen mom and as it was a much needed reality check, if i could go back and redo everything many things i would change. The main thing i would change is not moving in with my boyfriend. It was the worst mistake I made. Ask yourself, what can he do more for the baby if we move in together that he can't do if we aren't living together? You will begin to realize there is nothing. It could possibly be a control issue of his that hasn't surfaced yet. You are still very young and have lots of time ahead of you. Take it one step at a time as your children pick up more than you can imagine even at a young age. If you need any advice, help, someone to talk to from and outsiders stand point i'm here!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/23/2013

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Well stated, Kelly Dean, very well stated!

User - posted on 04/22/2013

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Ask yourself who will profit the most out of this request, you, your son, him, the baby or all four. Remember he gets a built in housekeeper, cook, baby caregiver, babysitter (should he want to go out) and bed partner. Really do your homework and see who benefits most from his request. Also, if you move in with him, he gains the above mentioned plus he doesn't have to pay child support. Sounds like an all win for him. Just sayin ....

Thea - posted on 04/22/2013

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AMEN TO ALL PREVIOUS COMMENTS! And .... Both "fathers" should pay child support for their kids and you need to smarten up and stop before you make the situation worse. Once is a mistake twice is just plain STUPID!

Dove - posted on 04/19/2013

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Or go with my method and just not have sex.... Such a foreign concept in this society though.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/19/2013

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LOL...And I usually say "I'm with Dove"... :-)

Dove - posted on 04/19/2013

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I should learn not to post until after you, Shawnn. Then I can just add 'ditto Shawnn' most of the time. ;)

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