Should I Move Or Stay Put?

[deleted account] ( 3 moms have responded )

My husband and I are getting a divorce. At the moment that is ok, we are getting along even better then before (I suppose cause we can see the end in sight!).

My question is, I have the option of taking over the mortgage on our townhouse, were we live, where the kids have always lived.

It's close to 4 different primary schools, and with in good distance of the classes the kids do, as well as their pre-school. My son and daughters best friend are all here, and we see them several times a week.

My family live 50km (30ish miles?) away. Which is not that far, but everything for the kids will have to change if we move there. My parents have offered to buy a house which I will rent from them at about market value (a little cheaper but not much).

This is the area I grew up in. I know people, and I could probably get work alot easier. The schools are better, and the overall standard of living would be much better. My Ex will be living there too, as he is moving home for the time being.

I am having a lot of pressure put on me to move there. I will not have enough money to visit here often and that means everything for the kids will change.

I am worried it will make everything harder for them if we move.

My kids are 4 and 1, I know they will eventually adapt.

Also from a financial perspective, if I don't take over the mortgage here and rent I will have no property in the future, I live in Sydney Aust. I worry if I get out of the market I will never get back in.

I may have the option of doing it all, and renting the town house, but I don't know how I would manage if the place way empty for a while.

I am also a little annoyed with my Mum who told me she could buy a house near me here if I wanted, so I had a bigger place for the kids, but none of their classes or anything would change. But now she says no, if I want them to help me I have to move near them.

My friends here are trying to be supportive, but they all want me to stay, and my family all want me to move. I don't know what to do, and I am to confused to work out what is best for the kids, and what I would like to do.

Any advice, or experience would be very helpful. Thanks

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Rebekah - posted on 01/06/2013

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Lots of variables here... Make a list of pros and cons of both staying and moving. Try to prioritize what is the most important. hopefully that will help a choice to surface.

I don't think the move itself will make it harder for your kids, rather the divorce itself will be the change that is most important to be sure you handle well for their sakes. Moving may be a byproduct of that (if you choose to move), but it may be an option that helps with the effects of the divorce. You have to determine that.

If you are wanting what is best for the kids, off the top I would say your reasons: better schools, better standard of living, close to their dad, close to their grandparents, option to get work....those are pretty darn good reasons to go. I admit I don't have experience with divorce and single parenting, but my close friends who are in that situation talk a lot about the difficulty of not having the other parent close at hand to help watch the kids if they have to be somewhere, or the child is sick and you have to go to work, etc. I don't know what kind of help you have with childcare if you stay in Sydney, but that may be something to think about. Along with that, if their dad has regular visitation, it will be a lot easier to manage the visitation schedule if you don't have to drive 30 miles to go back and forth. The adjustment of the divorce will be tricky enough...and although moving is another adjustment, at least they could possibly get to see both parents more easily if everyone is close. I'm making an assumption, here. The security of having both parents be accessible seems awfully important to me.

Finances are also big in a divorce, so I would make sure you have a job before you move. You should also sit down and crunch the numbers if you consider renting out your townhouse. Talk to people who are landlords...I don't know how much of a hassle it is to try to get good tenants and whatever that brings with it. Why is it important to have property in Sydney? Is it a potential source of income? Do you want to live there again when the kids are older? (you don't have to answer here...just be sure of the reason in your mind and decide how much of a priority that is, in light of what you are dealing with now)

I wouldn't worry so much about your kids' friends... they are young enough that meeting new friends will be pretty easy. It would be a lot harder if they were in middle school. And the nice part is, 30 miles isn't too bad if you want to visit your friends (and your kids to visit theirs) periodically. If money is tight enough that you can't visit, hopefully they can come to you.

The other factor that comes to mind is your relationship with your parents... do you feel like they are truly trying to be helpful, or is there a controlling element there? What reasons do they give for insisting their help be nearer to them? Do you have a close relationship already? Is this their way of trying to get more involved in your life? I don't want to make assumptions about where their motives are, but just tossing it out there for consideration. Be sure that you can still feel in control of your own life (even if you do rent from your parents) and that the relationship remains healthy. As a single parent, you will need to rely on family for help and support. That's to be expected and its what a loving family is for. But I know some families can be smothering or controlling, so hopefully that isn't the case for you, and they are just supportive and are blessed enough to have the means to offer this option for you. Best of luck to you, which ever way you choose.

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[deleted account]

Thanks guys! He is leaving the house. I have the option of staying in the house, or selling or renting it. Don't worry I wouldn't let him take it!!!

My parents, and siblings are 'supportive' (they never liked my ex, and are very happy we are getting a divorce.) But I am beginning to feel, even though I think moving there, and renting this house would be best, that they will become very controlling.

At first I could buy as I wanted, either here or there. Now it's only there. Then I could have alot of money, but now even though that money is still there I can't spend it.

And they are trying to make my sister invest in it as well, but she wants to actually do something with her money, if she does this she will never make anything out of it, or be able to sell easily. How will she ever get a place of her own!

I want to say yes, I think that that area will be better for the kids, and I will make it work with my friends (and the kids friends). But now I'm worried about all of that!!!

Michelle - posted on 01/06/2013

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Coming from someone who left the house in the divorce i say don't do it!

It's now 8 years since I left and I'm still renting. The house prices here in Perth have tripled since then and I have had to go back to work full time as well as my husband just so we can get a house.

If you are able to afford the mortgage on your own then stay. I regret moving out instead of kicking him out.

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