Should I or Shouldn't I tell my son's fathers parents they have a grandson?

[deleted account] ( 9 moms have responded )

I have 3 wonderful boys. The 2 older ones are my husbands and the youngest is a "FWB" (slept with him for 2 years) son. FWB family knows nothing about me.
I told the FWB that I was pregnant and he asked for a month to make up is mind. At the end of a month he told me he wanted nothing to be with me or the child but stayed in contact with me. He wants updates and photos twice a year now but still wants nothing to do with the child.
My husband is ok with the situation but doesn't treat my youngest like one of his own. Also husbands family don't approve of him staying with me.
My question is since my husbands family don't want anything to do with my youngest or me and his real father don't either. Do I have the right to tell my youngest sons fathers parents that they have a grandson?
I want to do whats right for my children and to say to my youngest that I did everything I could so he would know is real fathers family.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Amber - posted on 04/17/2011

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Do you know this other man's parents? If you do, and think that they would be good grandparents and it would be beneficially to your son, then it might be an okay idea. But if you don't know them, then he might be worse off. What if these are abusive people? What if they are dangerous?

I think the most beneficically thing that you can do for your child is stand up for him to the people who are treating him poorly. Tell your husband that he either accepts you AND this 3rd child, or he is not worth your time. If your husband accepted the situation and the child then he needs to step and and accept it, not just say it.

Tell the grandparents that they treat ALL the children the same or they get no priviledges with any of the children.

You need to start advocating for this child instead of sitting back and letting the situation happen around you.

Vegemite - posted on 04/17/2011

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complicated situations make for complicated problems. This sure is a complicated problem. Maybe you should have stayed faithful no matter where your husband lived. Shoulda woulda coulda isn't going to help you now.
My advice learn a lesson and be honest to everyone involved and let them decide what they want to do.

Jodi - posted on 04/17/2011

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Ok, whatever floats your boat. I don't agree with it, especially now that it has obviously created complications. But obviously these complications weren't considered before you both agreed to an open marriage and now have to be dealt with.

I am now going to ask you to put yourself in his shoes. Let's say he got someone pregnant while you were having your open relationship. Could you welcome that child from another woman with open arms? Would your family ALSO welcome that child, knowing the circumstances of conception?

Onto the grandparents, do you have the right to let them know? I have no idea. Your child deserves to know the truth (when he is old enough), and will probably be happy that you have at least made the effort to keep his biological father informed, although I am baffled as to how someone who was friends with benefits wishes to be kept informed but has no interest in any contact.

Anyway, I digress. I am really torn on the issue of the biological father's parents. On one hand, I think it should be left up to their son to tell them. If he wanted them to know, he would tell them. But then again, it is probably that your son will want to know them when he is old enough to make that decision and could be resentful if they were never told. However, I guess, if he IS angry that they were never told, it could be explained that this was his father's choice. Have you asked the father whether he has ever considered telling his parents?

On another note, I think both your husband AND his family are being very selfish. I DO understand their feelings that they may view your youngest differently, BUT you can't punish the child for the sins of the parents.......

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Amy - posted on 04/17/2011

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Based on what I read you think this other mans parents are going to accept him with open arms, but that that may not be the case. What if you tell them and they choose to have nothing to do with him either. It's unfortunate that your poor son has to go through this. Has your husband tried talking to his family and explaining the situation, if I were him I would say you treat them the same or we'll have to limit our time with you. Although I can't imagine that this whole situation is easy for anyone to understand.
Where are your parents in this whole situation are they able to compensate enough for the other set of grandparents?

[deleted account]

Unless you have a relationship w/ the parents of your child's father.... I think it's his business to tell them or not.

And that's all I'm going to try and say to this one.....

Tinker1987 - posted on 04/17/2011

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Im not sure your son would benifit from his bilogical grandparents knowing about him,if their son wants nothing to do with the child. what a complicated situation....

[deleted account]

Every precaution was taken but getting my tubes tired cause I was waiting till my middle child was a little older before I got that done. This was not planned.

Jodi - posted on 04/17/2011

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I'm confused.....you slept with someone else (FWB) while still with your husband?

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