Should I report my one & only daughter for abusing me

Danielle - posted on 08/27/2016 ( 7 moms have responded )

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Ok here goes!!

I was pushed aside then completely neglected by my own mother when I was a 12 year old girl. This was due to usual teenage hormonal stuff (yep I was a complete brat to say the least. My own mother was abused by my father who she left when I was 7 so by time my 12th birthday came I think she was completely drained and just needed some peace.

I fell into the arms and bed of boy next door because I needed love affection. I was 12years old and he was 20 years old. My mother found out called the police and the police did nothing but call me a tart. I spent the next 20 years with this guy, I had my daughter by him when I was 15 and my son (which he forced on me) when I had just turned 17. This man abused me sexually, emotionally, physically & mentally. His abuse changed throughout the years as I got older wiser and more aware of of it. The effects of the abuse that this man has done to me has left me completely, utterly devastated and has destroyed me. I have depression, anxiety, ptsd & insomnia, I have relationship difficulties with people and my current partner. This man even up till i left him 5 years ago antagonises me threw my children, denigrates me to them blames me for the mess my children have found themselves in, he stole our family home chucked my kids out and rented out their bedrooms for profit. He even tried to claim maintenance off me when my son wasn't even living with him. Over a year ago I finally came to realisation with the help of my therapist that this man is a monster and reported his abuse to the police. He has been charged with 7 accounts of assault and sexual activity with a child under 13, I now await my court date in Febuary.

Since coming forward my whole family and even friends have ostracized me. My sister, brother will not stand by me or come forward even though they were and are aware of what he was doing to me (bar the sexual abuse due to the embarrassment) My own sister has called me all sorts of names to my only daughter and has enabled her to verbally abuse me too. I understand that my daughter is hurt and she finding it hard to accept that her father did this to me even though he admitted to her that he raped me. This man has absolutely no remorse is pleading not guilty and is trying his hardest to play my daughter of against me.

I love my daughter more then anything in this world she is my life, everything I have ever done has been for her and my son. Its been really hard being a mum for all this time and i am really trying my best with her. For many many years now my daughter treats me really badly she manipulates & controls me and if you don't agree with her or do what she wants she gets really nasty. I think my daughter has grown up watching her father do this and she has pick up all his bad traits i also think she has his genes. I am actually scared and intimidated by her and i am terrified to say a wrong word or challenge her because she becomes like a wild cat.

She has gone to the police and has given a statement in defence of her father. She texts and emails me things like I am lying, i will get whats coming to me, I have screw lose, even my family hate me and think i am causing trouble, how can i do this to her and my son, I am jealous of her dads new baby and wife and the fact everyone else is happy and I am not. She really hates on me and is really vicious and hurtful. She has turned all this abuse round on me like its all my fault. She feels like I should just move on and forget it. She even makes the rape sound like I am making a big deal out of nothing because sometimes her boyfriend initiates sex when she isn't in the mood. Her emails and texts are just angry rambling and is full of complete fiction and lies that horrifies me. I now know what I am now going to up against in court not just by him but by my own daughter. I am beside myself with hurt.

I am going threw absolute hell and believe me when i say this that reporting abuse is no easy task. I feel just as bad now as I did when I was with this man, Its really hard to deal with the fact that no one cares or is willing to even understand why i am doing this. It hurts that my daughter thinks i am just been a vicious cow thats wants revenge for what he did with the family home. It hurts that no one thinks my life is worthy and i should put up and shut up.

I have a 4 year old granddaughter by my daughter who i absolutely adore, I am her second mum and she loves me. Its becoming really hard to have a relationship with her due to my daughters abuse. If i report her i might as well say goodbye to ever seeing her again.

What shall i do please help me!!

7 Comments

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Danielle - posted on 08/28/2016

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I think I know what I need to do.. My partner has been telling me the same thing and felt a sense of relief when I read him your comments. I am going to tell her it's time she sorts her own phone out by time the next payment is due. (Full stop) if she continues with anymore abuse before hand I will just cut it off with imdediate effect and I will also report her. I have just had enough of it all. I won't be bullied by my family into backing off with this court case. I am just going to have to face my abuser & my daughter and tell the truth. Hopefully the jury will see right threw them and see what sort of people they really are. I am going to have to except that I am now estranged & have been ostracised by my whole family (wow that hurt)..

If it's never happened to you its very hard to put yourself in the mind and body of an adult survivor of child abuse. I will just have to accept it I suppose and understand that even your own family can be very cruel. I always got my confidence and self esteem from the fact that I was and still am a good mother who has done her best. Watching my daughter since she was 14 turn slowly into what I believe to be a narsasistic, manipulating bully makes you feel like a complete failure.


Your comments are a life saviour for me and last night I felt like a weight had lifted reading them. I am though, absolutely terrified of the court room and what his barrister him & my daughter are going to try and make me out to be, him being found not guilty just for them to turn round and laugh at me. Hopefully good will conquer evil & the truth
will prevail.

Sarah - posted on 08/27/2016

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It takes a lot of courage to file charges of sex assault. You are entitled to whatever justice you want to pursue. If, for your own sanity, you decide to let it be and move on with your life, then that is ok too. He deserves to be punished but not at the expense of your sanity and holding you back from moving on with your life. At some point forgiving him will be a gift to yourself. Maybe you won't get there, maybe you will. If you do get there, you do it for you; not him.
I agree that your adult daughter is not your problem to fix. She will have to have an awakening and stop the cycle of abuse (hopefully before it affects her own child) on her own.

Michelle - posted on 08/27/2016

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I agree with Dove. She is making you feel guilty so you keep paying for her phone. A phone isn't an essential part of life so you don't have to pay for hers. There are plenty of ways she could have a phone on her own.
You said it in your post though, she has seen her Father treat you horribly for her whole life, that's where she has learned her behaviour from. You can't change that ingrained behaviour overnight (if at all).
The only way to stop the abusive messages would be to file a restraining order but like Sarah said, you probably won't see your Granddaughter again. You need to do what's best for YOU though. You don't need the negativity in your life right now, you need all the support you can get. Your daughter isn't supporting you so you really need to cut her out.

Dove - posted on 08/27/2016

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I know you want to continue a relationship w/ your granddaughter, but you are still in a very fragile place right now. Your daughter having no credit history does not mean that she can't get a phone... They have $15 flip phones at Walmart and many 'pay as you go' plans....

I think for your own sanity and emotional stability it would be in your best interest to cancel her phone and cut off contact w/ her for the time being... Unless she is willing to attend some of your therapy meetings w/ you where you could hash all this out w/ a neutral 3rd party.

I am so sorry for everything you've been through. Hang in there! ♥

Danielle - posted on 08/27/2016

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I suspect it's because the abuse is classed as historical.. When the trial starts it will be nearly two years since I made my statement, sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it. The last thing I want is to ruin the people I love most. My daughter is 22 years old, she verbally abuses me but mainly the torment is via text messages, emails and Whatsapp. The phone she has is in my name because she has bad credit and when I tell her to stop with messages because I'll cut her phone off she then tells me I selfish and if there is an emergency with her daughter then I'll be to blame. I wish she would talk to me and listen but she just gets so angry. The friends I do have are the same friends of my ex and my own friends are just shying away. I suppose no one knows how to deal with this. I do have a wonderful partner who is great support.

Sarah - posted on 08/27/2016

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You are in a really painful place right now, and I am sorry that you went thru everything you did. I am glad you are taking action against your abuser. I am not sure what you would report your daughter for unless she has physically harmed you? Verbal abuse, while still abuse is not a crime per se. You could file for a restraining order to prevent her from contacting you but I suspect you'd not see your grandchild again.
Do you have friends that you can surround yourself with for support and reassurance? Why is the court date so far away? Six months until the trial seems like a long time. How old is your daughter?

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