Should I stay or should I go?

Pamela - posted on 08/05/2011 ( 200 moms have responded )

7

5

0

I am a mother of two boys that are 8 and 5. I am unhapply married to the father of the two boys for 9 years now. For a very long time I have been unhappy in this marriage. I am unsure if I should stay or if its better to leave. My biggest concern is my 8 year old. He is very attached to his father and he also has alot of anixety. I am afraid that if I stay things will be bad for him.(his behaviour is terrible, daddy's the best friend who never disciplines and mommy's always the bad guy) No repsect from the 8 year old. I am now seeing the same in my 5 year old. I am also afraid that if I leave things will be bad for him. Any advice. I am very opened at this point. I have seen many professional to help with this and they all say the same thing Leave.... the sooner the better for the kids. HELP

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Tcordukes - posted on 08/05/2011

334

62

72

I think if your asking the question Should i go? then you know the anwser. However I am a big believer in making sure you do everything to try and improve your marraige. I mean you loved him at one time or another. open up communication, try marriage counciling. Anything that you think might help. and if at the end of all that and things don't improve then you at least know that you tried everything. I say all this because i to was in a marriage that was far from perfect and we have been both working really hard at making things good between us and although we are not perfect we are so much better. There has been a big improvment with us and the kids aswell. It is like I have the man i fell in love with back, and he has that 19yr old sexy girl back. lol

Kelly - posted on 08/14/2011

15

24

1

Don't listen to the lady who thinks that if you just perform better as a wife then he will be a better man. That is a load of CRAP. You will never be able to change a man, not with your performance, not with your sex, not with your nothing. Men are who they are already. All of us have room for improvement, but don't expect it from him. Last year my brother said that a key to a good relationship is to lower your expectations and raise your support of him. I think that is good advice, but sometimes even that is challenging because we don't realize that we have expectations, or we feel we have a right to have our primary expectations met. However, marrying a man whom you think will meet your expectations usually turns into having to live with a man who doesn't come close to meeting your expectations. So, you begin to label your expectations and throw them away, leaving room for seeing what he really is. Only then can you support who he is, rather than hate him for what he isn't. It is tough - I KNOW! But it is the art of marriage for the long run, and you vowed to love him for better or worse. I think when I said those words, I thought they meant better or worse circumstances. I have discovered that I vowed to love him for the better of him and the worse of him. It ain't fun; it ain't sexy, but it is LIFE, it is MARRIAGE, and it is the journey that most of us are on. But don't you EVER blame yourself for not being a better wife just because your man isn't stepping up. That is a load, and I am sorry that you ever had to read her words.

LaToya - posted on 08/06/2011

22

4

2

Hello Pamela,

I am not here to judge those who have given you advice but as a minister and believer in Christ I want to encourage you to do whatever it takes to save your marriage. If you truly believe that there is no hope for your marriage, Think again lady! My husband and I have been married for 3 years now and we have three beautiful children. We too thought we could take any longer with the fussing and arguing but we were introduced to a wonderful and amazing movie called "Fireproof" I want you and your husband to have a quiet evening together and just take the time to watch that movie as many times as you would like. I also would advise you to buy the "Love Dare" book that goes with it that takes you on a 40 day journey and trust me girl it changed our lives around and I can not tell you how much of a blessing that movie was in our lives! We do not disrespect each other and we have grown to appreciate each other more. You are right! You married this man for a reason and if he is not physically abusive in any way try doing what I suggested and let me know what you think! I know there are others that will tell you to give up on your marriage but I have been through the same exact thing and it was not until I watched "Fireproof" and started the Love Dare with my husband that we realized what the issues were in our marriage and have the time it is not you or him. It just the temptation of this world and those single friends telling you to give up and live your life. You do deserve to be happy as well as your husband and that is why I do not take sides and I am not sure if you are believer but I dare you to take this challenge and let me now the outcome! I am here anytime you would like to speak with me further... :) God bless!

Erica - posted on 08/06/2011

1

0

0

I was in your EXACT same situation. My marriage was 5 years, & although I don't know the relationship you have with your husband, or how he treats you, it sounds like the reason your 8 year old is disrespectful, is because of you being unhappy. He's acting out because he doesn't understand what you're feeling. The reason I say this, is because my son did the exact same thing. Then he started talking to me the same way his father did. Because he thought that was normal. It was at that point that I realized staying in the marriage, for my son's sake, was actually making things worse! You are the one in your marriage, so no one can really TELL you what to do in your situation. The only advice I can offer is to remember that your happiness affects your kid's emotions, so you need to do what's right for you, to make you happy, so your kids can be happy, too. Sorry this is so long! Lol!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/07/2011

21,273

9

3058

I completely disagree with Leela, and agree fully with everyone saying to leave. As far as the kids being worse off...not true. The kids are actually learning how to have an UNHAPPY partnership....If you are mean to eachother or fight, that is how they are learning to be. This would be the "normal way to treat the ones you "love"". You may have worked with kids, but really, telling people to stay in an unhappy marriage for the kids is the wrong way to go IMO.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

200 Comments

View replies by

Kathleen - posted on 08/14/2011

9

17

0

Do what is best for your children, and I think you already know what that is, so go with your heart. Good luck.

Margie - posted on 08/14/2011

1

0

0

Dear Pamela,
Happiness is a choice. You promised to stay in all circumstances as he did with you. Children are always better off when their parents stick it out. Should something change? Yes. But leaving is not the answer. When there are problems in marriage, both parties have something to do with it. Usually, the children are just acting out of the insecurity they feel as a result of the division the sense between their parents.

I highly recommend the book- The Love Dare by Stephen & Alex Kindrick. You will be surprised but there is a lot you can do even if your spouse is unwilling to do anything to change things. As you do those things, you will find a change in his attitude and your love will return.

If a perfect or great marriage is what you seek, then it is going to take a lot of work. History teaches us that those who walk away from one marriage are more likely to walk away from 2 or 3 more.

As far as the kids are concerned, you must present a united front. They are masters at getting what they want with the sympathetic parent. In reality, however, If they see you showing affection and love and unity in your approach to one another, you will find a lot of behavioral problems melting away.

See if you can both compromise in your approach to the kids. Even if it is way more lenient then you would like, you will get much better results than if you just walk away.

You see it has more to do with your unity than it has to do with what you require from the children. Another words, even if your husband's requirements are very loose, if you can or even if you can't compromise, presenting a united front will make a bigger difference.

For what it's worth,

Margie

Judy - posted on 08/14/2011

5

8

1

I am a child of divorce... my mother is a MUCH STRONGER woman because of the separation. My dad left her though. We still saw him on a regular basis and they NEVER EVER argued in front of us and ALWAYS backed each other up. It was hard growing up but as a young woman, I had a better female role model (and so did my 2 brothers). Good luck and just do what is best for your children... which may mean showing them you (and they) deserve the best

Marisa - posted on 08/14/2011

3

18

0

I would have to agree with the professionals. The sooner the better, but on a religious side, if you want it to work, I would say read A Praying Wife and your husband, A Praying Husband. I read the one for the wife, and it really helped me at a point in my life, where I really needed some direction.

Claire - posted on 08/14/2011

19

84

2

A lot of us married women go through the unhappy stage of marriage. I believe in the sanctity of marriage but I also believe that life is short to suffer the rest of your adult life. However, I also believe that the kids remain a priority once we have them. Have you and your husband tried attending marriage counseling? Perhaps you two just need a mediator to identify what is making you unhappy. If you and your husband can manage to just set things aside and communicate, the result may be far better for everyone in the family - so stay meanwhile and try to make it work.

Mary - posted on 08/14/2011

5

9

0

I'm not a professional, but I think you have been given some good advice. Have you considered that your 8 year old has anxiety because he needs rules and structure? Children need someone to set boundaries and will act out until they get it. They sense that you are unhappy as well and are learning that it is okay to be unhappy. Sets up a sad reoccurring pattern. Good luck with your decision.

Jeni - posted on 08/14/2011

9

22

0

Have you seen a therapist? I'm wondering how much of your unhappiness is to do with different parenting styles. Perhaps if you were to find a neutral 3rd party as a referee you could bring up your concerns with his lack of discipline and the negative effects it's having on your sons.

Lynn - posted on 08/14/2011

1

0

0

Not knowing your personally, doesn't help much. So, here it goes. No one, but you can call the shots for you or your children. My advice is to seek God first, if that is your source. Then also, take what has been given to you as far as advice and go with your gut. I mean with all of it. A lot cannot be seen specially with behavioral in regards to the dad. You only can go by what is seen. So, pray and seek God with all your heart. Your heart and spirit will lead and guide you. I tried over a year with counseling and realized the other party had to be fully willing to commit to God, Family, and etc. Regardless of your decision, you will always be the mother and he will always be the father of your children. Its one thing to be married a couple of years and be unhappy, but by now your are established in the relationship enough with children that you can assess the situation more and more as time goes by. If in doubt about the kids, just pray that you can handle what is going on now, because you dont know what is ahead, but God does. Trust him to take you to the place of certainty even if its what you arent used too. Speaking from separation, then divorce with three children 11, 9, and 7. God will always be there for you know matter what, its his promise to us as Christians. If you are not please do not be offended in any way. I am not a bible thumper Christian woman. I love God and people too much to be that way. I hope this is a help to you and will pray for you and your family. You are still a family regardless of your decision, and Jesus loves you greatly. I am speaking from experience not telling you what to do. You are a courageous person! Peace be yours now!

Flor - posted on 08/14/2011

2

5

0

There is a reason for everything. If you and your husband are not having a good communication is because something is wrong in both sides. Sorry to tell you this but it is not like "the bad and the good guy of the movie", in a marriage both contribute to a better or a worse relationship. Self-analized will be something to be considered to make such an important decision that involves the future of 4 people. This is not related only to your happiness but to the responsability of both of you to give your kids the future they deserve. I am not saying leave him or stay together, this is more than that. Problems can be there even if you are together or not. God knows the best for you, maybe this is time to ask Him to be in charge of your lives

Veronica - posted on 08/14/2011

3

13

0

Oh sweety, I almost cried when I read your post because it was almost like reading my life story. I have 8 and 5 year old boys as well and have been with my husband for 10 years. We have so many issues in our marriage that about 6 months ago I actually filled out divorce papers and gave them to him to sign. I thought it would be like the other time I threw him out and he wouldn't be able ro tell the boys goodbye. This time he told them goodbye and left. That was the hardest week of my life. He came back because he didn't like missing making the boys breakfast because that was their thing. Now I feel like he is only here for them and I don't exsist. My only advice is to not forget that you still have to take care of you in order to take care of the kids. Mine refuses to go to therapy too because he doesn't see where he's wrong. If you've been unhappy and truely believe that you have done everything that you can, then go. My mom keeps telling me the same thing. You can only do so much before you're the only one trying and it gets to be like banging your head on a brick wall. Good luck, email me if you need an ear: medical_mommy@yahoo.com

Nicole - posted on 08/14/2011

26

20

0

I think you should turn over every stone in trying to heal your marriage, but in the end if the other partner is not willing to help heal this marriage....then you need to start healing yourself.....if that means leaving then I would leave. Remember your boys need to have a "good" example of what a healthy relationship "is" and should be like. One day they will be in relationships of there own and I am sure you don't want your boys to treat a wonderful young lady badly, simply because they learned it from there father.

Brandy - posted on 08/14/2011

4

17

0

I have met women who resent having there children because they allow them to rule the household. If your husband isn't interested in fixing what he has then that should be the end because it's not going to get any better. Your older boy may act up some at first but it is better for the youngest child to learn the way you want to raise him. One unruly child is easy to change but two..... Think of yourself and what is best for the.kids even if it is a hard decision. It's not like he won't see them again!

Tikisha - posted on 08/14/2011

8

17

0

Gde im n da same predictament my divorce was just finalized in June to each its own please dont hurt da kids anymore than wat dey r and it brings tears to my eyes bcause my ex used that as an excuse to stay with me which was wrong bcause dey are tore up from it and its truly a growing process God makes no mistakes he opens and closes doors all da time hes got u wen no one else do do watz rite for u bcause da kids r going to suffer not fair to dem at all!

Natalie - posted on 08/14/2011

5

33

0

Do NOT stay for the sake of the children! I did that and I am paying the price. My boys are now 25, 23, and 20 and I stayed for financial reasons and because I thought they needed a father, even with all the issues and horrible temper he had. Two of my boys live in the next town and one is still here at home but is never here. I don't hear from them at all. They told me they don't blame me for doing what I thought I had to do but that they were getting as far away from this situation as they could. I maybe talk to them on the phone once a month. It breaks my heart.

Natasha - posted on 08/14/2011

6

20

0

Have you seen the movie "FIREPROOF"? I recommend both you and your husband watch it! You didn't say if you are a Christian but I believe that a marriage will not truly bloom if you don't have Christ in your life. Pray for your husband ~ believe me it works! Ask people you trust, even a church to pray for the both of you! Read the book "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. You'd be surprised at how your marriage will turn around! Marriage take alot of work but with Christ by your side ANYTHING is possible! Good luck!

Raahat - posted on 08/14/2011

1

10

0

It's scary when u say your husband thinks everything is garbage and he doesnt need anyone to tell him how to live his life ... Anger mgmt, spoiling the 2 boys ( mine are 6 and 5) not being able to live without them int he same house
Do we have the same husband?
Very confused very unhappy
And my 6 year old is gifted so he knows exactly exactly whats happening but both love their father too too much - it's so so so very hard

Jennifer - posted on 08/14/2011

33

28

2

I am not a big fan of divorce. There is always something to save a relationship. Splitting up is harder on everyone, less money and time to care for young children. They learn bad habits of giving up and anger and bitterness and confusion. As a wife you have a lot of power. I was given a book call Created to be a Help Meet. It is not what you think. It is about supporting your husband to change negative behavior. Learning what type of guy he is so that you can know how to respond to the way he is. I learned so much about my husband through this and we are getting happier every day. We have set backs, but things are much better. I learned some of the actions I did or did not do, sometimes set him off unknowingly. Give a lot of thought to leaving and what is best for the family unit. If there is infidelity or abuse, then separation is a good idea and can help scare him into thinking about his actions. Other than that, stick it out and work it out. You may not be the problem, but both sides make mistakes and work on you, effect change with positive actions and attitude.

Sehr - posted on 08/14/2011

4

14

0

hi. I say-listen to your heart. if a thing/person confuses u-u walk away...u do not wait for it to totally blow in your face. put your foot down. u have to respect yourself first to make him respect u. u dont have to fight with ANYONE...u just walk out in a very civil manner. then c what his reaction is. if he comes back for u-well n good-dont make an issue-say thanks for coming for me- i know love wouldnt let me down. if he doesnt - well it will b his loss. BUT u have to know where u stand financially BEFORE u even THINK of walking out! if all is good with u-u r stable financially then by all means do this-otherwise first secure yourself moneywise, n by that time dont talk to him. things will work out god-willingly, u'll c . i know for sure-if u rnt financially secure-it could get really ugly. so do make sure u r strong (financially) before u decide anything !
take care n all the best

Sheila - posted on 08/14/2011

15

10

0

It is better to seperate and establish rules and respect with them now than wait and be miserable. They will treat you how their dad does unless you stand up and show them that is not ok and your not willing to stay and take it. My stepson told his dad that the best thing he ever did for him as an example was to walk away but continued to show how much He was loved despite it. I have to say he is one awesome young man now. Don't stay just because you have kids you will regret it.

Vickie - posted on 08/14/2011

10

19

0

Get to marriage counseling asap. You might be pleasantly surprised. If your husband won't go, still get counseling for yourself. Eventually. Your husband might go with you. Unless there is abuse it is always better to stay for the kids' sake. Find activities to do and keep busy. It might help if you have an activity to look forward to. Maybe you'll meet other women you enjoy spending time with. You can also buy self-help books and read parts of them to your husband. It's too hard to raise kids by yourself. At least stay until they're done with highschool if you really find you don't want this guy anymore. But at least get some help. Counseling can really open your eyes.

Lisa - posted on 08/14/2011

9

4

0

You never want to hurt your children how ever if you can not be happy with your self and your life you can not be a happy mother to your children . They sense something is not right even though they may not say this they do act out which may be what your son is doing now I have been in a hard spot before with my husband and we separated for three mths during that time I was able to work on myself and he was able to work on his self, Once I started working on me being happy my children become very happy well behaved children to say the most part as well as children should be behave. But I was happy with myself so there for I was able to be a happy good mother . Children learn from us if they see respect coming from us to each other than they will give respect . Even though this is a hard decision to make the hardest part may be to make the choice to make your self happy and the rest will fall into place what does not kill us makes us stronger

Cynthia - posted on 08/14/2011

3

16

0

There are two sides of every story. Are you affectionate, do you yell( I would tune you out too if all i was getting was yelled at), do you whine. Do you expect him to read your mind? Do you show him love and respect? Does he not meet your expectations now. Maybe he has aleays been this way but you just ignored it thinking it would get "better". Maybe Having children will make it better. The signs were always there. All Mommies are the disciplinarions. Daddys are always the fun guys. You married him with all his faults. Now you need to take a good look at yourself, and think " How can I be a better wife and mother. You have to let go of those unatainable expectaions. You might call it setteling for that guy, but that may be your reality. And unless he has hit you or the kids, you really have no reason to take his kids away from him. He has rights too.

Heather - posted on 08/14/2011

97

65

6

Stay. Statistically it has been shown that children with only one parent usually live in poverty, don't go to university as often and are more likely to have problems with the law. Also some surveys have found that when people who have divorced are asked years later on, it was found that they are no happier than when they were unhappily married but those who stayed married had a high chance of becoming happy. Marriages can become better but the chance for you and your kids to be happier and better off alone is more statistically risky. Check out Mark Gungor's Laugh Your Way videos - they may help.

Belinda - posted on 08/14/2011

2

7

0

I think it might be better for you to leave. Have your boys see a couselor throughout the process. Let them know that they will always be able to see their dad.

Roxana - posted on 08/14/2011

9

11

3

For the fact that I've never been married, I have had some very bad relationships that were quite destructive on myself, so I've also never had to think about my children in the mix of should I stay or should I go. But in the truth of the matter put your happiness first because your boy's will follow. I come from a broken home and I'd never change it for anything as it made the person I am and I have a great relationships with both my parents. I hope this helps a little! Good luck with what ever you do choose to do!!

Gloria - posted on 08/14/2011

2

15

0

Hi Pamela. I know this is going to sound crazy. The first time I heard it, I rolled my eyes. Here it goes...Be the change you want to see in your husband. What that means is you change first and then he will follow. There are lots of books on this. I can't think of what they are right now, though. The only thing I can think of regarding your kids disrespect is to try the Love and Logic approach. Once again, it means changing how you parent but the rewards are enormous. Just Google it and you will be directed to their website. Much love to you and your family.

Pat - posted on 08/14/2011

13

24

0

I feel you are the only one that can answer your own question What might be best for the kids may not be for you....

Rene' - posted on 08/14/2011

6

24

0

Go. You aren't happy. that answered that. You can be happy and have happy kids divorced. Just cuz you get divorced the relationship between the kids and parents doesnt change...If you have there for the money.. The money isnt worth your YEARS OF HAPPINESS that you are allowing to be taken from you. i raised my daughter since 4 months old by myself. it was awesome. I never said a bad thing about him. she didnt ask..

VICKIE - posted on 08/14/2011

21

0

0

PRay pray pray. Ask God what you should do. If you guys are not in church then please find a church home and ask to speak to the pastor about what is going on. Your marriage should not be your base of happiness. Seek God 1st and read the bible as a family. Pray as a family. Do marriage counseling if you guys are willing. Don't let others decide for you. Only God knows the will of God for your life. You guys are in my prayers. I pray that God reveal his will about your marriage to you. Please read Esphesians 3:14-21 and Philippians 2:5-10. There are so many more also. Look in the back of the bible about marriage and love. God Bless you and your family. To God be the Glory

Karen - posted on 08/14/2011

4

21

1

I've been married for 20 years this October and I must say that these were some trying times. We have 3 daughters and the one thing that I must say is that I am glad I did not give up. First of all I came to the realization that if change was needed, it had to start with me. I had to be willing to allow change to happen in my life and stop being so concerned about my husband changing. When I became concerned about myself and making myself happy, things turned around. I now have the man I married 20 years ago. He is wonderful, an awesome husband and father and we enjoy each other. The one thing is that we were friends from the very beginning and that was the glue that held us together. Don't give up if you love him in some way, love can bounce back. If you believe in prayer, begin to pray for him and tell God what you want! He'll change you first and you'll realize that He was changing your husband all along.

April - posted on 08/14/2011

1

6

0

I was in the exact same situation, and I left. Counselor is right. My now ten year old was 7, but terribly influenced by his dad's bad behavior. Luck enough I got out before he corrupted my baby. Hardest decision I ever made but best decision. Im married to a wonderful man now that my kids respect and everyone in house is much better off. Good luck! I will keep you in my prayers

Renee - posted on 08/14/2011

6

1

0

I rarely reply to anything, but wanted to tell you that I've had a similar situation. I can't tell you what the right answer is, but I have been told by many that staying together for the kids isn't necessarily the way to go because the kids may learn negative relationship behavior from you and your husband. Meaning, they could model similar behavior in their relationship and in their parenting later in life. Every time I would tell my husband I wanted to separate he would also say he didn't want to because he didn't want to be apart from the kids at all (regardless of the possibility of shared custody). He didn't want to go to counseling either. But I indicated it was counseling or divorce so we did go to counseling and I do think it helped. However, it did not change him, he still does things that piss me off and sometimes I think I still want a divorce, but those times are less frequent and I hope thing will continue to get better. Just remember: everybody changes after they get married - you and your husband have both changed. Don't think you can change him because you can't. The question is: can you two compromise on important issues? Can you meet in the middle on issues with the kids and how you raise them? If not, and if he is unwilling to work on making things better between you, then leaving is probably your best option.

Robbie - posted on 08/14/2011

29

0

5

A separation is a very different thing than divorce. If his behavior is causing issues with the kids and he won't work on the marriage, then leaving with the kids, 'separating', until he decides if he wants to work on the marriage, isn't necessarily a bad thing. If he refuses to get help, work on the marriage, then go from there. God can change a person's heart, but we can't. :)

Bonnie - posted on 08/14/2011

0

7

0

I feel I am in a very experienced position to give advice on this subject as I am the mother of two grown sons who divorced when they were 3 and 5 years old. I also am a daughter of divorce. My parents divorced when I was 19 years old but they stayed together "for the kids" . It was the worst possible thing they could have done because they didn't speak to each other for close to 13 years. I don't have any memory of them being happy together or of us doing things as a family. Our home was a very depressing place to be. I didn't even realized how a husband and wife should be until I was old enough to go to my friends' houses and see other parents who actually talked to each other and liked each other. Experts say that the main thing that helps us grow up with self confidence is to know our parents love each other. Well I have always been very insecure so I think the experts must be right. As I said I am divorced and it is something I regret. I wish that me and my ex husband had tried harder to make things work because I know it is hard on the kids even when they are grown. So this is what all of this means

Dori - posted on 08/14/2011

4

23

0

have you asked him to go to counseling????? leaving should never be the first thing to do. Be truthful with their father. It sounds like you have received help from professionals. Ask your husband what he wants to do with things the way are, maybe he isn't happy either but is willing to do something about it.

[deleted account]

The question isn't should i leave or should i go. The question for yourself is what can I DO to improve my marriage.

Phyllis - posted on 08/14/2011

1

4

0

When my girls were little my husband was a heavy drinker..I stayed to protect the girls and knew that we were all safer in the marriage. Now, he has been sober for 6 years ...things do get better. But if you have never been happy in the relationship do not know..

Shannon - posted on 08/14/2011

13

28

1

Hi Pamela, I am a mom and a professional social worker who works in just this very area, with children with anxiety and depression, and families going through divorce and mediation. I agree with some of the last posts that said "if you are asking the question you already know the answer." In my experience "staying for the children" never works out. You are teaching your children how to treat others and how they should be treated in a negative environment. My suggestion is to get out and get your child in with a therapist for his anxiety and grief over the split while attending co-parenting counseling with your ex, if he will go. That is the ideal. At a minimum I would leave the marriage and put both of your boys into counseling, for the first little bit anyway. That just gives them a safe place to vent and to without the fear of hurting you or your spouses feelings. I think that in these situations sometimes doing what is best for the kids means doing what is best for the parents. It sounds like your husband loves his kids and cares about you, on some level. It sounds like you both want what is best. In your current situation it sounds like there is a lot or frustration and resentment on both sides. I would think about how that may be shaping your children's thoughts about marriage, how to treat others, and how they should be expected to be treated. Just because you guys are no longer together doesn't mean that you hate each other. I have worked with many parents who have actually developed wonderful friendships and parented great together after the divorce (and after the sadness of the divorce) has gone. Co-parenting counceling, in my opinion, is very important. Many states require that each parent take a co-parenting course/seminar, but these are not the same seeing a private therapist for six weeks. That is just my suggestion. Good luck! If you live in New England message me and I would be happy to help you find someone.

Esther - posted on 08/14/2011

2

14

0

I was in a similar situation 3 years ago my children were 2,3 and 5 in the end I could not take it any more and we split up 3 years ago in September. My children have improved greatly, they now have stability and know what is right and wrong, I enjoy life much more and feel relaxed with the childen, we are now enjoying life to the full. I am not saying it was easy to start with we all (me and the children) found things had and were very upset, but time is a healer and thing get better. hope you sort thing out.

Beth - posted on 08/14/2011

8

34

0

If you are unhappy that is all your children will see. Think of the example you need to set for them. Would you want either of them to be in your situation and if they were what would you tell them. It seems as though you have done all you can to make the relationship work but sometimes it is just not meant to be. I think you know what you should do and I believe that you have the courage to do it. It will , of course be a huge adjustment for all, but one that will pay off in the long run. Good luck to you.

Tania - posted on 08/14/2011

108

17

5

Just because he's not physically abusive, doesn't mean it's a healthy relationship. Your boys will grow up in that house and think that is how a healthy relationship is supposed to be and very likely model that behavior. I grew up in an unloving home (my step-dad was nice when he wanted to be, but that is far from being a father) and wished my mom would leave. I left when I graduated high school and haven't looked back. I have two children now and never (as in never - no holidays, nothing.) go to her house because I don't want my children to be around him. It has hurt our relationship even further. Think about the big picture. Staying in an unhappy marriage is NOT best for the children. People seem to forget how easily affected children are.

Cherylgale - posted on 08/14/2011

2

0

0

Hi Pam,
I'm glad that you had the courage to bring up this deeply personal issue. It sounds like you have been living in so much pain. You deserve better and your boys deserve you to have a whole mother. Best wishes to you. You know what you need to do in your heart.

Jaclyn - posted on 08/14/2011

3

5

0

You should take it to God and see what He wants. His will is the only right answer.

Meena - posted on 08/14/2011

2

5

0

Hi Pamela,
I understand what you are going thru coz I ve been thru the same for 9 years. After I had to leave my ex hubby's house otherwise he would have killed me. I ended up getting a brain hemorrhage. He even took my kid's away from me.
There is a limit of tolerating and trying to adjusting. I would say, listen to your counsellor. Get out and live a life. You can allow the boys to see their father is you feel its ok.
But please think about it before taking any step.
All the best dear...
Meanz

LaShawnda - posted on 08/14/2011

10

0

0

I would also say speak with a counselor about ways to help you help your children through the process. If your husband is not willing to make things better, then in many respect the marriage is already over. As my great-grandmother says, "It takes two horses to pull that cart." And if he doesn't value you and the relationship you have together enough to make it better, then really what is the purpose of staying. But I will say, as I am watching, 5 friends and relatives go through divorces now, understand that it is a process. Work with a mediator, work with a marriage/relationship counselor who can help your family through the transition if you choose to leave. But disrespectful kids are not the way to go.

Carolyn - posted on 08/14/2011

46

11

7

I just left my husband after 17 years, we had three children together, i had 1 already from a previous relationship. I can say with all honesty - staying, if it is truly a wrong situation, will kill you slowly. Leaving was HARD, made even more difficult by my children all asking to stay with my ex husband, I had a complete child-ectomy. I cried for a month. But my health is 1000% better now! Heart problem, high blood pressure bleeding gums, kidney stones - all gone. You'll know it, if the time is right, and you know nothing is going to change if you choose to stay, you'll know when its time to move on. To let go. To live again. Blessings.

Heidi - posted on 08/14/2011

1

10

0

Hi Pam,
Wow.....you got lots of advice! I have had a very hard marriage for 32 years. I finally could not take it anymore and moved out a month ago. I got my own apartment! 2 days after I left my husband asked me to please come home. I didn't go home but I asked him if he wants to work on the marriage to see if we can finally work it out and try to be good husband and wife. And he did. Before he just thought everything was my fault and if I would change then things would be better. He even had me watch the fireproof movie, which was really good, but he wanted me to do the 40 day thing and not him. But as soon as I moved out he is now willing to work on it! There is a good book....we both have our own copy....it is called the seven principles for making marriage work by John m gottman. It has little assignments for you both to do and then discuss them with each other. It has great so far. I have lots of marriage things I have bought throughout my 32 yes of marriage that have been so good and now that my husband is willing to make our marriage work we can now use them! I think me moving out was the best thing I ever did....if I would of stayed then we would of still been stuck in our not talking to each other mode. I am staying in my apartment for a couple of months just to make sure we will both keep trying. I don't want to move home and then realize we get right back into our normal ways. I think marriage is worth saving. I have lots of kids and they do understand our separating but they are all cheering and want is to make it work. I think it is a better example to the kids for them to see us working on it instead of giving up...cuz if we give up then they will think they can give up too easily....and marriage is something that everyone needs to work on daily! Good luck!

Jovana - posted on 08/14/2011

2

33

0

I am sorry that u r goin thru this!!! I was in the same situtation for a long time. Believe it or not.about.as long as u were. U need to get out now while the kids are little. I was afraid of the same thing, but we got ahead. As long as he is their lves, they al be fine. He's actually part of the reason ur kids dont respect u. So againu need to get out of it and soon. God blesz and Good Luck!!!!!!!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms