Should I stay or should I go?

Nicole - posted on 05/26/2013 ( 14 moms have responded )

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I have an amazing 7 year old daughter and we live in Florida. Her father and I have never been together since she has been born and we share custody but I am the main custodial parent. My fiancé just recieved a great job opportunity to Maryland making more money to where I can finish school and will not have to work. The catcher is Florida is a "dad" state and its almost impossible for me to take my daughter with me to Maryland. I have talked to many many lawyers and my odds are 2/10 chances. My question is do I give up love and my happiness and stay in Florida for my daughter or do I try and make a better life for myself and in the end her and go with my fiancé to Maryland and allow her to continue her life here in Florida with her father. I am so lost

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A - posted on 05/28/2013

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Why not you guys get married, he go to Maryland and get it all set up- you go up to visit and find a job. Then you and your daughter come up?

Kathan - posted on 05/27/2013

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This is a tough situation for anyone because you only want what's best for your child. Although for me it would be hard to leave my child behind, but you seem to have it all planned out. The only thing I would consider is that what if things don't work out between you and your fiancé, what is your backup ? If you're confident in your decision stand on it and do what's best for you and your child.

Jodi - posted on 05/27/2013

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Think about it this way. If you leave her and get on with your own life and then try to fight to get her back (and it will be a fight by the sound of it) do you not look like you selfishly pursued your own life rather than be a parent to your daughter?

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JESSICA - posted on 09/11/2013

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Something similar to my story but my son is 13 yr old and decided to stay with his father! I moved from New York to come and live in Florida but hardly any jobs out here! My fiancé lives out in New York with a good payin job! And I doubt he would want to move down here because it would be hard to find a job!!! Good Luck!

Alicia - posted on 05/29/2013

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My daughter is near 7 and I can't imagine not being with her as much as possible.... 7 is the beginning of matters of the heart. A girl needs her moms hugs when her best friend stops playing with her at recess. We only have so many years that they choose us as their number ones, teen years are around the corner. Timing is everything for such big decisions. Write out the pros and cons and weigh things our. Journaling makes things much clearer also.

Carol - posted on 05/29/2013

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Why is there such an ultimatum? Has your fiance demanded that you leave your daughter or go with him? I'm single now too, and I can't imagine loving a guy that would make me make that choice. If I ever start dating again, I would hope that the man would understand that I'm part of a package deal. If not, he sure wouldn't be marriage material. As long as you're not starving where you are, there's got to be a better choice for all of you. Unless you are starving or in some other danger, then love trumps money every time.

You don't say anything bad about your ex and it sounds like he's very involved in your daughter's life. It sounds like a fair decision by the courts to make you choose to leave her if you decide to go since the dad can't and shouldn't control what you do, yet he shouldn't be deprived of his time with his daughter because of something out of his control.

Is there any chance that you could convince the ex to relocate too?
Good luck

Nicole - posted on 05/28/2013

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That would seem ideal however I am not ready to just up and get married I want to do it right this time...I just started planning our wedding. It was def an option though.

Nicole - posted on 05/28/2013

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There is no "deadline" if you will on the agreement. It just clearly states whenever I am in Florida be it on vacation or coming back permanently the agreement isn't in affect but our original agreement ( I have hailey the majority of the time) is in play. The lawyers said I would have a better chance being married and having a stable job then not.

Seeing that hailey is 7, just turned, it is hard to express the differences that are going to come along be it me going by myself or her going with me eventually. I have explained the best possible way but being an innocent child I believe that she will not fully understand until it takes place. Her father and I have tried to talk to her together and she just wanted to go play on the play place. How would I word to my 7 year old to not think I am leaving her and that I am trying my best to make a better life for all of us even though I'm not going to be around as much as I am now?

[deleted account]

you just answered you own question 2 things "My fiancé just recieved a great job opportunity to Maryland making more answer 1. money to where I can answer 2.finish school and will not have to work."

your daughter has say in this as well dont exclude her me and my little sister out of 3 of us are the closest even though we had it bad off between both parents, we was still given our own choices to where we choose to be, Maryland inst that far from Florida hun there is things called vacation time. i'm also from Maryland, Hagerstown i moved to missouri based on my own choice in 79 to be with the father and we was able to go visit mom that is 18 hours driving time 2 hours by plane, "all 3 of you and the child need to sit down and be civil about this" its the child that is the concern lets think here ok, one education levels on the east cost are high so shes not loosing her education at all, so no lose in benefiting from that.

now the income to farther her education and your own, umm there is not an objection of thought, first off your able to feed cloth and educate her and your self from the new job hes getting, and the last but most important the relationship between you the new father or step father for the child. all need to come to an agreement then talk to whom ever is involved other wise don't involve them.

Jodi - posted on 05/27/2013

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OK, well, a bit more information helps. What have your lawyers said about this arrangement, and how long is this arrangement planned to be in place?

Nicole - posted on 05/27/2013

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I would not be completely "leaving" her she would spend then entire summer in Maryland with us and then the school weeks she will live at her grandparents house, where I would face time with her. The only time she will be with her father is on the weekends and when he picks her up from school to take her to her grand parents house. He has agrees to sign any document saying that this is a temporary agreement and that whenever I am in florid the agreement is dropped...I see where it seems as if I am just trying to pursue my own happiness and in a way I guess I kind of am. But at the end of the day all I want is a better life and future for my child, hence the living arrangements I have made if I decide to go.

Jodi - posted on 05/27/2013

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And don't get me wrong Nicole, I understand your dilemma. I am simply playing the devil's advocate. it could actually make it much more difficult for you in the long term. Has your fiance absolutely made a decision about this? Or could you hold out for something better in a couple of years in Florida? I think you need to look longer term.

Nicole - posted on 05/27/2013

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I see exactly what you are saying but the thing is she is good enough for me I have put alot of my expenses into a lawyer just for them to tell me that I have no case bc my fiancé and I aren't married and I will not have a job. They recommended that I become a Maryland resident and get a job and get married that way I have a case and I can fight for my daughter I just don't know if leaving her here for that time is the right thing.

Jodi - posted on 05/26/2013

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Ask yourself what your role is as a mother. The day you had her, you committed to her for life. By moving away from her, what message do you think that will send to her? Don't you think she will see that she wasn't important enough to you? I wouldn't want my child to think that of me.

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