Should i stay or should i go??

Michelle - posted on 12/01/2014 ( 6 moms have responded )

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i am a newly divorced woman of 2 girls... I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years... who is also going through a divorce... my boyfriend is very kind sweet loving, but the problem is I am a highly needy person meaning I like a lot of attention... I am not happy with the way things are cause my boyfriend had hobbies which takes up most of his time... he wont move in with me cause he says he is not ready but doesn't know if he will ever be ready.... I love him dearly but I don't like being 2nd... our relationship has changed a lot since we first got together, but not in the way I would hope it would... to me he seems distant and fills up his time with stupid things.... should I stay or should I go???

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Sarah - posted on 12/01/2014

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Honestly this sounds like a relationship of disasters. You had an affair and ended your marriage.....there probably were other issues but you dealt with those by turning away from the marriage and having an affair....not the right thing to do. Your boyfriend (of 3 yrs) is going through a divorce.....so that means he was having an affair as well.....not a good thing and not a strong way to develop a healthy relationship. You sound very selfish. You might be a needy person, but you are also a mom and need to focus on your children and what is right for them. My suggestion is to focus less on you and your relationships with guys and more on what you can give to others and what your children need from you.

Ev - posted on 12/01/2014

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From reading your post, you said he is not giving you the attention you like and you are a highly needy person. You said he had hobbies that have taken up a lot of his time and he seems distant now and fills his time with stupid things? What stupid things? To him they may not be stupid. Also moving in together is not a requirement for a boyfriend or girlfriend. Its a lot to take on with a woman who has two kids. He might feel pressured by the suggestion and he may not be ready yet to deal with that. I would back off a bit and let him breath. I would then find a time to sit and discuss this calmly and tell him how you feel when he decides to spend time on his hobbies rather than with you and find out why he does not feel ready to move in with you. Also you have two children that you need to think of first and foremost. They need you more than you need a man in your life. Just divorced for two years and you are moving on fast. THey may not be ready for someone to be living in the house with them yet either. Also he is going through a divorce and its a painful process....I am surprised that either of you had a BF or GF during the divorce. But that is your choices not mine. I think that people should take off a few years before dating anyone whether you have kids or not. You need to have time to heal from the pain of your own divorce and figure out what you are wanting in life and in your case the kind of life you want for your kids too. THis man may not know what he wants but apparently moving in with you is not something he thinks is necessary at this point. It might have something to do with his going through the divorce. I do not know. But keep in mind this is not about you but everyone else in your life too.

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Michelle - posted on 12/07/2014

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ok ladies... my kids have had there time... its been three years... my kids adore my boyfriend and are always asking him to stay too... I take care of my kids they are always first in my life... I think you ladies are little judgmental... yes I wanted to know what I should do... I divorced for many reasons the affair was not what drove me apart... its what freed me from realizing what my ex was doing to me... and I did not want my kids growing up thinking that's how life was... my relationship with my boyfriend is very simple.... I have been told that my boyfriend has become comfortable so there he has gotten hobbies and does projects...

Wanda - posted on 12/01/2014

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I agree with the ladies.
I am also from a divorce, and chose to be single for a year ...with fun...before getting my kids to even see me in any relationship.

Obviously this guy isn't where u r. A man makes time for a woman when he wants to. A man will move mountains to be with a woman when it is right. But you both came from vulnerable places. Escapes. And with that comes a lot of great things momentarily but not for the long run.
Perhaps you were his escape goat? Sounds harsh but just a thought...
You both cheated right? And as much as I understand why people choose to do that...its a temporary fix that rarely works out.
If it's not working out...just think that you learnt something from this...and go on and find something better..something built from trust and respect.

Ev - posted on 12/01/2014

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Affair or not, and I am not an expert but if he is not ready to move in he is not ready. But I would still ask him why. You do have a right to know that much. But I really think your daughters need you more. That is just me because the kids suffer so much when their parents part ways. Adding a boyfriend to the mix is a very hard thing to do for anyone. Does your BF have kids too? You make it sound like it is all about you. That is the tone I get from your post. He might need time to get through his divorce before he can totally focus on you. Maybe there are some things going on he has not told you about the divorce that he is having issues with and does not want to burden you with. That is another assumption but its a valid reason for his lack of interest. I think people rush into a new relationship way too soon. I do not think they give themselves time to heal from the past hurts and issues before moving on. And YES, I am divorced mother of two kids who are now adults. The ex wanted out for no reason other than he was done that I was told. My lawyer and I found evidence but not enough putting him a position of cheating. He was clever to cover his steps except the cell phone bills. So I did not have a lot of other proof. He became hateful to the point I could see it in his eyes when we did face each other in court or for visitation pick up or drop off. He got married 14 months later. Then he divorced that one and remarried 6 months after that. It was all too fast.

Michelle - posted on 12/01/2014

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evelyn, I had an affair with my boyfriend... yes there is a lot of reasons why I divorced my ex in the first place, that was the straw that broke the camels back in my marriage... 3 years of being with someone you think is moving too fast?? not for me... I have talked with my boyfriend about all of this and I am very up front with him... but the thing is I feel like I wasted time loved a man with all my heart that rejects me... a relationship has to move somewhere it cant stay still...

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