Should I stop the contact between the father of my children?

Maira - posted on 01/01/2013 ( 6 moms have responded )

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The father of my children took off about 10 months and he seen them like four times during that time. However, know he want to be in are children life but he talks badly about me to are children. I want to stop the contact with him and are children but it breaks my heart when are daughter tells me why she does not have a family. I do not know what to do if I should stop the contact until we go to court and see what happen next.

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Ev - posted on 01/01/2013

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If you are married to this man he can come at any time and get the kids and there is nothing you can do. Not even the police can stop him. That is because there is no agreement on custody of the kids yet. You said that you had a court date. Is there anything stating that you decide on visits or anything. If there is a court date then there may be some holds in place for both of you taking the children and going anywhere.

The children are the ones who suffer more than anything no matter how the situation is handled. Its their world that is torn up not yours. They have lost the place where both mom and dad have been most if not all of their lives. They do not know what is going on or understand it either. No child does. To your daughter it will seem like she has no family because one of her parents is missing in the picture. I do not know how old she is but she must be young enough not to understand all that is going on. Keeping them from their father is not good either. They need some sort of relationship with both parents. They need to know they are loved no matter what happens with mom and dad. They need reassurance as well. They need to know that though things have changed it will get better in time. Do not introduce them to a boyfriend. They are not ready for this if you have one or even in the near future. Do not talk bad about their dad even if he is doing so about you. When in court bring up that fact. You are going to have a lot on your plate in the next several months to 5 years. I say five years at the minimum for it all to get to a settled state because it does not work out over night. It takes time for emotions to settle and get into a state of what is now normal. Kids will work out in their minds how they will understand this as time goes on. Kids are going to let you know right away how they feel. Kids will act out because of these changes that are going on. Do not under any circumstances use the kids as pawns because they will remember and use it against the parent that does later in life.

How do I know this? I have been in your shoes. Its been ten years. It took a long time for things to calm down. My kids had a lot of questions and emotions I had to help sort out before I could do so with my own. I made them my focus. I was their sounding board after the divorce was final and they would be with their dad. They came to me with a lot of questions and some I could not answer even today. But I can say this for my kids: For all they have endured because of the divorce and their father's remarrying 2x after me, they are very strong, very together kids. Why? Because I was there for them along with family.

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I want to know how to keep the ex away. Anyone who would act so immature and selfish shouldn't be allowed to care for children. Parental rights should be automatic taken away as soon as parent has. I don't feel like the law is on my side. I am alone and raged because my ex decided that having sex with other people was so much more important than being a family man. I want to be more empowered and so far everyone is trying to tell me what to do and think. I am the angriest woman in the world.

Ev - posted on 01/01/2013

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I am glad to be of help. But the one part I did not tell you was that I had a choice to make when the divorce and custody came about. My lawyer had told me that there was no way I could fight for the kids and get custody. They had offered joint (my ex and his lawyer) with my ex having primary care. It was the hardest thing in the world as a mom to have to give the kids to dad after doing everything for them from morning to night all their lives until this time. He had done some things off and on but when married primary care of the kids was with me as well as the house no matter if I worked or not. I had no money to fight him, and he had lots of help if he needed it. So, I did the only thing I could. For their well being, I let them go with their dad. It was not easy. It was heartbreaking. I do not know how long I cried over it. It was hard to get up in the mornings and do anything but I made myself do it. It was awful not knowing what they were doing or who they were with. After a time, I learned to concentrate on them with what little time we had here and there. It was not easy then and even at times now. But we learned one lesson not many do learn, it did not matter how much time we had; it was what we did with that time that mattered. I am now closer to my kids than I would have thought to be and we learned not to take things for granted. I hope this is a light at the end of the tunnel too.

Maira - posted on 01/01/2013

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I am glad to hear that things do get better. I guess she acts they way she acts because her father has a new girl friend and he is waiting on his 3rd child and his girl friend has two boys almost the same age as my daughter. But then again this pass months we are always together and even her behavior still there.
Hearing your story helps me feel like I am not alone on this. thank you for your advice. I will do what is best for my children and hopeful the father of are children thinks the same.

Ev - posted on 01/01/2013

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From your answer, my son was the same age as your daughter but he did not react against me or his dad really. He just knew that his mommy and daddy were not together anymore and lived in different homes. It was not till he was about seven and his dad had remarried that he asked if me and his daddy were going to get back together. I told him no since daddy had a wife now. He never said anymore after. But what helped was that he had an older sister by 7 years so she was 12 when this happened. And the fact they were close also helped a lot in the long run. I did not get negative reactions and emotions out of them against me it was more of not understanding why. And that was the question I can not answer today even...their dad chose to leave. We, however, were married.

A bit more of my story briefly, I had to focus on them because I knew this hurt them more than me but at the same time I was hurting too. When they were not with me I began to retrace the steps of the last year or so of the marriage to see what I had done or had not done as far as the relationship with my ex husband. Needless to say, when the kids came to me again I had to focus on them. It was not easy. You also need to bear in mind that when they do go to dad take some time for you. Find a hobby or something you like to do and concentrate on that until they return. It will help. Reach out to any you know who are going through a custody battle too. Talking and sharing are important to keep your sanity. I had a few friends in the same boat as me though the circumstances were different.

Its been ten years. One kid is grown and married with her own. And my son is a teen. He has two years left at home before he moves off into the world of an adult. I can say this with all that happened I am closer to my kids for it. We learned some valuable lessons as well. Its not all bad....you do find the good in it sometimes several years later.

Maira - posted on 01/01/2013

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We are not marry. What are you saying is true. My daughter is five years old and my son is 11 months. My daughter behavior has change completely against me and I try to show her how much I love her. At first I did not understand why she has change with me that I have her in therapy so help her with her emotions and I have her doing an activity. However, we still do not have a court date but I am going for custody.

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