Should I tell her she is dating a child sex abuser?

Jane - posted on 09/06/2012 ( 8 moms have responded )




I had a boyfriend for 2 years...just broke up 4 months ago. We are both 64 but youthful.  I thought he was a great guy but found out he was still seeing and sleeping with his 2nd wife who is 48. When I confronted her, she told me that he had sexually abused her daughter, his step daughter, when she was a young teen. That was 10 years ago. She divorced him but he and the ex wife still had some kind of sick relationship. He admitted to me that the sexual abuse of his step daughter was true...and I also found out that he had abused a niece years ago as well. Obviously we broke up.He says he is reformed, he is very religious now. ..has been for 8 years. He says that was the old guy who is never coming back, but I don't know if that behavior can change. Now I hear he has a new girlfriend who he is already talking marriage to...she has some grand daughters. I feel like he won't tell her, just like he didn't tell me, and I feel it is somehow my responsibility to tell her...anonymously. I don't know what to do. I really need some good advice. Thank you.


S. - posted on 09/07/2012




I agree with the others 100%. If I was her I would want to know and at least you know you have done all you can to prevent it from happening to anyone else. Also how this other woman still has relations with him after what he did shock's me! All I'd want to do is castrate him.

Angela - posted on 09/07/2012




Gather some documentary evidence if you can so your letter is backed up by stuff the new girlfriend cannot dispute. I can understand your wish to remain anonymous but you'll get more credence by putting your name on it, even though he might suggest you're the disgruntled ex-partner wishing to stir things.

Maybe let her know that he has an on/off relationship with his ex-wife as well, so HER relationship with him won't be exclusive - add that the ex-wife can verify his paedophile tendencies - after all, she was the one who told you.

He may well be very religious and a "reformed character" now but if he is, he won't want to hide or deny his murky past.

It might be in the interests of the grandchildren if you informed their parents. Since love is blind, his new girlfriend mightn't accept what you have to say.

Good luck!

Kimberly - posted on 09/07/2012




Tell her for the simple fact that her grand daughter need to be protected from this sick bastard, I dont care how many yeas ago it was, he has those thoughts and acted on them then he can easily do it again. I dont believe these people can ever change because there is something seriously wrong with anyone who can take advantage of a young child and destroy there childhood. Those girls need someone to look out for them


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Angela - posted on 09/08/2012





"never deserves forgiveness".

I would disagree there! Forgiveness isn't something you give for the sake of the person who did wrong, you forgive people for your own sake. And forgiving him doesn't mean excusing him or giving him the chance to commit the same crime again, he is NOT excused and he MUST be constantly observed in order that he doesn't get the chance to commit the same crime again. Being forgiven doesn't mean anyone's wrongdoing (of ANY kind) is wiped out.

So, providing he's repentant and sorry, he CAN be forgiven. If he's genuinely sorry, he won't deny what he did when challenged - but you still take care to safeguard any children that he may be in contact with. That's how it goes.

Tell his new partner what he did and since she's the grandparent, tell the parents of the grandchildren as well.

Good luck.

Susan - posted on 09/08/2012




You absolutly need to tell her...We owe it to each other to help protect the children.

I wouldn't give a rats bippie if he thinks he's reformed or not...Anyone capable of crossing that line once can do it again and sometimes the choices we make in life hang over us forever. To me this is the ultimate violation of humankind and never deserves forgiveness.

Sick Son of a B

Sophia - posted on 09/08/2012




No its not your responsibility ... will she hear what you are saying ? she will think you want him back. And people can change ... they have to want to change.

Jane - posted on 09/07/2012




I really appreciate each and every post.  I needed encouragement and I really can't tell my friends or family this story.  The man is charming, funny, handsome, always nice and so it has been very hard for me to accept that he actually commited  this behavior.  His ex wife was attractive but very controlling and needy...she needed his money and he needed was toxic. I knew about her but not that he was still seeing her.  When she told me about her daughter it was mostly to stop me from seeing the man because she was still hooked on him. When he admitted it, but blamed it on the fact  that he has been abused and would never do it again, I almost forgave him. But then I found out about the niece through some snooping. He doesn't know I know that. He wanted her to attend a family picnic and she wrote an email that she never would be near him again and wouldn't let her daughters near him...she attended picnics until her father died, but now, .no more.  That really made me realize this wasn't a one time thing. Any other behavior that would harm another women, such as cheating, I might just mind my own business but I am concerned about the little girls even though they don't live in the same area. They do come to visit. I thought I should tell the woman but a few friends I mentioned it to, saying it was a friends problem, they told me to tell my friend to be careful because he could harm her for telling. I know I am rambling on but I really appreciate all of your advice.  Now I just have to decide how I am going to do it. It's really awful that such secrets can be kept hidden and unknowing women and children can be victims. If you have any more insight please tell me your ideas.

Kelina - posted on 09/06/2012




Personally I would. I would want to know if the guy I was dating was a danger to my daughters(or in her case granddaughters) and if something ever did happen and she found out that someone knew and didn't tell her, she'd be wondering why? and was there anything she could have done to prevent it? Knowing doesn't mean she'll leave him, it just means that she'll be on her guard.

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