Should i tell my son that the guy i married is not his real dad and should i let him meet his real dad?

Ashley - posted on 05/01/2012 ( 205 moms have responded )

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OK i got pregnant at 17 and had a baby with a boy in high school we was not in a relationship at all once i the baby was born and we only dated for about 4 mths all together anyways he helped me with him somewhat in high school ,and if it wasnt for him i might not of graduated, as soon as i graduated i moved to another state meet a man and got married,my son had just turned 1 by then. when i got there he didnt try to keep in touch i always called him to tell him how his son was doing. so i quit to see how long it would take for him to call, he never called just his family, so i just didnt try any more he didint send any support either......Now five years later my son is 6 his real father has maybe called twice in 5 yrs and paid child support maybe 3 times a year since then which is only 200 dollars a mth..NOw he has just called wanting to be in his life now and apologizing for not being there that he was just scared, he wants to pay for a plane ticket for me and him to go down there so he can spend time with is son im not sure what to do if i should let him and hope he dont run away again and my son gets hurt, or i should say no untill he can prove himself to me and right now he is just a stranger to me i dont know his life anymore and if my son will be safe im not sure what to do,AND my son dosnt even know about him haveing another dad he thinks that the guy a married is his dad. But if i dont tell him i dont want him being mad at me later in life for not telling him and letting him meet his real dad soo is there any one out there that can tell me what to do?? HELP BIG DICIsions here.

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Amy - posted on 05/02/2012

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Yes, tell your son.
No, don't go down there.
He has been a dead beat father. If he want's to see his son he comes to you and pays his back and future support. Otherwise he's a picture in the album. He gets to meet your son, your current husband and be on his very best behavior. Being gone so long, I'd let him know if he want's visitation it will be supervised and in your home. You don't know this guy any more and you don't know what his intentions are. Let him prove himself before you leave your comfort zone for visits. Please remember the man who is your son's daddy and makes sure how he feels about all this before doing anything. He's the man who is standing beside you not the jerk who didn't bother to support or raise the boy you love.

Medic - posted on 05/01/2012

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Your son should have known from the begining. But that is really neither here nor there. My son is not my husbands but he is the only dad he knows and he has since adopted him. My son has always known who is bio dad is even though he has chosen not to be part of his life. We have maintained a good relationship with his family and they see him often. I was adopted and I have always known. This could essentially be the biggest lie of your sons life, he deserves to know where he came from and who he is. You do not need to ever tell him the baggage that happened as it is not really his business. There is no need to bash his bio dad, just let your son ride it out and see where it goes. We cannot protect our children from all the hurt they MIGHT feel. They need that hurt to help shape them and make their own opinions of people and situations.

Frances - posted on 05/02/2012

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Your son should have the opportunity to know his biological parents, BUT I would have the father come to you instead of you going there. Your husband should be there for support, as he is the only father your son has known.
My son is fortunate to have two complete families who love him very much, though they are very different from one another. Give him a chance and see how it goes. Meeting his biological father does not make his step-father any less the male figure who has been there for him.

Sarah - posted on 05/01/2012

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Personally I think every child has a right to know their parents. Its great your husband has been such a wonderful dad to him, but whose to say his bio dad won't be too? If he wants to be part of his life, then he should be. If you don't he may seek to exercise his right to visitation in court. It would look better on you and be better for your son if you remained on good terms with his father. Id go and see where things develop from there.

Sarah - posted on 05/02/2012

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No offense to you Helen, but I really dislike when women refer to their child's biological father as his or her sperm donor. A sperm donor is a man who donates his sperm to a bank where a woman comes in and chooses his product maintaining anonymity. A sperm donor is not a man who has consensual intercourse with a woman then opts not to be a part of that child's life. That is the definition of a deadbeat dad. I think people are forgetting that the biological father in this case was a teenage boy. Yes, I would expect he was scared. Yes I would expect it difficult for him to pay child support. Does it excuse him not being there? No. But he's had some years to grow and learn and hopefully educate himself. He's showing an interest NOW. He has a right to know his son, as does his son to know his biological father. I don't understand this, "until he proves himself" to her thing because it has NOTHING to do with her. Exactly how is he supposed to prove himself? It is not a mother's right to withhold a child from knowing his father simply because she doesn't like him. Unless she greatly fears for his physical safety, she has no right to withhold that relationship from her son. It's unfortunate that the little boy hasn't been told about this before, but withholding this information will only hurt him in the long run. How is it going to affect her relationship with with her son if he doesn't find out for another 5 years? 10 years? 15 years? 30 years? Trust is integral to a parent-child relationship and the longer she waits the more she sacrifices that trust and their bond together. The father should be given the benefit of the doubt. He should be able to meet his son and see where their relationship develops. Just because he wasn't a stellar TEENAGE father doesn't mean he won't be a stellar ADULT father. She needs to forgive him for not being there and give him an honest chance to make up for lost time.

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Teresa - posted on 03/20/2013

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I had the same problem, my son just met his father at the age of thirteen. He has always only knew one father and that's my husband. My son started calling him dad at the age of one. He asked me when he was about five or six why was his complexion different from ours and I told him about his biological father. I think you should just tell your son the truth and let him spend time with his father now and get to know him . I regret not finding my sons father sooner but I thought I was protecting him. Don't make the same mistakes I did. No matter how much people try and tell me that I wasn't wrong, I still think that I messed up somewhere down the line . Please don't go down the same path I did.

Deborah - posted on 06/28/2012

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I know I'm kind of late to the conversation and you have had hundreds of responses but I just wanted to share some ideas. First of all even if your son knew the whole time it may not have made things easier. My nieces have 2 different dads and the one dad was not involved at all, my niece spent years asking why her daddy didn't want her, and why she couldn't have a daddy around like her sister and her friends, she had tons of family around her and we did our best but no child can fully understand why a parent is not involved, no matter what you tell them you can't control how they would feel. I think it's great that your son has had 5 years to not think about all the things his "father" was missing, and 5 years of pure happiness. Once he is told the truth about his biological father he might have a lot of confusing feelings, he might have anger towards you or the biological father, you just can't predict these things. Legally speaking as long as he didn't sign way rights he does have the right to get to know his son. If you try to completely deny him, things could get ugly, and your son will find out eventually. To make the transition easier I would say introduce him slowly as a friend of the family's not as a father yet. Let them bond a little and then figure out the best time and way to tell your son the truth. You may want to talk to your son's pediatrician to find a good therapist for your child. It is really good in these situations to have someone your child can talk to that is not emotionally involved, they can feel free to tell them things they may not feel comfortable telling you. They can also help your child work through any feelings they may be having. I hope things work out for your family.

Brittney - posted on 06/09/2012

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hi my name is brittney and i am going through almost the same thing except my son is now 4 and has never met his biological dad and all he knows is my husband. The way i see it is get to know him again, maybe meet a couple of times without ur lil boy and see what hes really about. see if hes actually gonna make an effort and stay around beleive me, its only going to hurt ur son if he ups and leaves in a couple months cause i have gone through that with my oldest son. if you need to talk message me!

Glenda - posted on 06/08/2012

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Ashley, first and foremost I would pray about how to do what needs to be done. You and your husband should pray both individually and collectively. What does your husband think? Maybe you and your husband should talk to your son together and to his biological father---To your son to let him know that his DAD loves him and will ALWAYS be there for him/as his dad no matter what. And if he has any questions or concerns that he can go to him. I think it's important that we know who our family is. You said that you don't know his life now, and I wouldn't just jump in like he's been there all along-- maybe you and your husband can speak with him more and get to know him (collectively) for your safety, your son's safety, and for y'all's emotional protection. Feeling uncomfortable about accepting the plane tickets to see him is understandable to say the least. If you'd feel better with him coming to your comfort zone, tell him. It doesn't sound like he's trying to be messy, but that's he's asking you to swallow a big pill with you and your son only going down to him. If he's serious and really wants this, he'll do what he has to do---if he'll buy 2 tickets he can buy one. I think with prayer and compassion you will get through this fine. My two oldest kids' dads went missing many moons ago. They know who they are, and they proved themselves to be "not good" all on their own. Yeah, the biological dad was a boy, yeah he was probably scared..... you were a girl, I'm sure you were scared at times too........ you chose to "cowboy up", he chose not to........ that's all in the past. I think you and your husband should tell your son the truth (without all the adult details), continue to build that trust within the family. I only see your first name, but I'm going to say a prayer for you all myself!! Stay blessed, Honey

Natasha - posted on 06/07/2012

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tell your kid, wait till hes old enough, let him make tht decision but also u wanna involve the real father n see if hell give the kid a chance so ur kid dont end up hurt.

Kimberly - posted on 06/07/2012

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Good post, Lauren! And you got the answer straight from the experts. Good luck in your situation as well.

Lauren - posted on 06/06/2012

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My husband is not my son's bio dad either but has been there since I was 16 weeks pregnant. Bio dad dropped out of the picture early on and I wasn't about to fight with someone to be involved...I figured he either would or wouldn't step up, and I wasn't going to waste my time trying to change someone.
My son is two now, and I always wonder when it will be a good time to tell him...I never want to keep it a secret and make him feel like he was lied to, however how do tell a two-yr old something like that? He has a different last name and the questions will come in time; I will answer them honestly.
As for your situation, I think people need to cut you some slack... you can't just go telling a toddler information they can't process... he's 6 now, and this would be a good time to let him know what's going on in a way he can understand it. I do not recommend going to see bio dad - if he wants to be involved, he's going to have to step up and make it happen. Let him come to you and if he's really in it for the long haul, he'll work for it! The best advice I got from my pyschologist is kids will only ask questions to which they're ready to hear the answer. If he asks about his real daddy, simply give him the answer - he doesn't need to hear everything else. He has a real daddy, your husband! He also has a biological daddy. There's a BIG difference!

Kimberly - posted on 06/06/2012

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What a great post, Shannon. I think it is better for you, because you have good communication with the bio dad, and your son is older.

Good luck with your situation!

Shannon - posted on 06/05/2012

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I am going through a similar situation thats why i am on here looking for some perspectives on the matter.The one thing i do believe though is that We should both consider where our sons are at in life.Both as their mental state,ability to handle the situation,age,maturity etc.I know because i am going through a very similar issue right now that those are some of my biggest concerns,yah know right along with the -will he hate me for this one! I have recently contacted his biological father who has always known that my son was his.my son is 13 almost 14 years old right now.i was 17 when he was born and his biological father was 19.We were both young all though i know that is no excuse at all,but we dealt with it the wrong way and we of course cannot change that now the past is the past unfortunately and all we have control of changing is the present and the future.I really think that you are right too be scared about the father running away again since that will only hurt your son! Fortunately in my case the bio father wants to be a part of his life now,and i believe him we have talked about it and we are going to take it very slow and make sure that it is not a mistake to tell him right now(that maybe we should wait till he is older) But if i were you i would try to make sure that this guy is going to stick around and be a part of his life before you tell your child,if you do not think he will maybe it would be better to wait.I wish you all the luck in the world with this and if i come across any better info that i can lend to you from my experience i will be sure to share it with you here.Take Care =)

Carlie - posted on 06/01/2012

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First of all, pat yourself on the back for putting your son's needs first. You have and you are. The fact that you are unsure of the decision is accepted and recognized. It is admirable that you would want to, considering the emotional risk of your child's welfare. I imagine just thinking of the possibilities is scary enough.

Secondly, I do think you should inform your son. He is 6 years old...old enough to at least grasp the meaning of a father. I would not, however, go into a lot of detail regarding how you and his father met, and so on. I would just inform your son, that the father he was born to (biological) was not ready to be a father when he was younger, but now his father wishes to meet with him.

Your son may not want to. I feel this part should be your decision, not your son's. I would recommend calmly explaining to your son that you understand how he feels, but that as his father was not ready to be with him a long time ago, he is now wanting to meet him. "Just meet you dear and see how things go. I will go with you to meet him and hold your hand too if you need me." If your son wishes to have his stepfather present as well, then by all means, he should be there too-but in the background.

Keep in mind that although his biological father was not present for most of his son's life...he still should be allowed the chance to meet with him. Put your feelings of him aside, and recognize that this will be emotionally difficult for all parties involved. Do not mention the child support or his lack of fathering at the meeting. Your son will have a difficult enough time of it....nothing else should be added or taken away from this important meeting other than the purpose of it. Allow your ex to pay for the plane ticket....I mean...it's a form of child support payment... PLUS YOU...isn't it? Yes. It may not make up for the lack of it all these years, but for this meeting, it is enough.

Explain to your son prior to the meeting that you and his (current) father love him very much, and both of you will be there for him should he need you or have any questions. Ensure him that it's JUST a meeting nothing else. If your son asks afterwards, what will happen in the future...or....what happens next? Tell him you are not sure yet. Explain to him that his biological father may or may not be a part of his life in the future. Explain to your son that you have no way of knowing whether or not his biological father will be around as he gets older, as you cannot MAKE him choose to do so. Instead ensure him that regardless of his biological father's decisions, you and his (current/father/stepfather?) will always be there for him.

The latter part is extremely important, as you do not want to make promises you cannot keep. To do so, would not only hinder the relationship you have with your son, but it would also be untrue. No one can make future predictions such as these, unless you are referring to yourself. And you are not.

I admire your loving concern for your son. He is lucky to have you both.

Good luck and God bless you. :)

C.Alex - posted on 05/24/2012

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You should tell your son about his biological father. My husband and I told our daughter when she was old enough to understand. It was quick. When she was a bit older I showed her our wedding picture with more soncentration on info about him. Usual questins asked about why we divorced, how come hes not around, does he love me, where is he, etc. When she turned 18 she looked for him with my help. It wasnt til she turned 20 that I found him on a google search. I wish I never did it becuase she calls him dad now and all those worst nightmare thoughts and concerns you would normally have. Im happy over all that I did. I never belittle him to her and go with the flow of her first complaints of him after meeting him. He got bored with her in a way. It was exicting and new for him and his wife and her family, (which bothers me to no end to hear his wife call my child her daughter!!) All in all I made the right choice. I didnt want some one who has no sense to come up to her when she was young and say
I know your dad _____!" I wanted to be the one, WE wanted to be the one to tell her how and who created her (her bioogical father) and the dad she has that raised her, taught her how to ride a bike, assisted with body training and all the craziness of her teen years!!

User - posted on 05/24/2012

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AAAH NOOO, let him bring his butt to YOU... Hes got the easy part girl.. After all your the one whos supporting him and loving him, if he wants a realtionship with you and your son, let him show it.. Very shallow of him to ask you and your son to fly to him, let him come to you, you have MORE CONTROL.. be careful, DON"T visit him alone, bring another adult with your visit when he shows up ok.. Good Luck... Debbie

User - posted on 05/20/2012

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My daughter was 14 when she found out about her biological father and it was cause a family member told her. That was not how I wanted her to find out. Remember it takes a second for a man to become a Dad but a lifetime to be a Father. I would tell him not to rush it and pray about it!

Amanda - posted on 05/19/2012

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I have the same situation, and my opinion is.. the person that has been there for him and that HE calls dad, is his dad :)

Teah - posted on 05/17/2012

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I feel you should tell him he is his not his bio father and explain to him he is his stepfather and what that means. I would go so he can meet him and at least give him a chance for your son. I came across a similar situation, my bf thought his step dad was his bio father until he was 16 or 17. He was very upset @ his mother 4 not telling him the truth. My father was in the military and I saw very little of him. I would give it a try and tell him he can not drop his responsibility as a parent @ the drop of hat. I would tell him not to disappoint our son and stay in his life 4 good. I would present it 2 him as if he was the little boy and how it would be a disappointment to him if his father dropped in and out his life and make him realize a father is just as important as a mother.

Angela - posted on 05/16/2012

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Going through the same thing except my daughter is 7, I decided he can visit but I don't. Trust it enough to just let him taake her for the weekend or anything.

Kimberly - posted on 05/15/2012

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The MOST IMPORTANT person in this situation is YOUR SON. Never mind everyone else's feelings. Choices were made, consequences follow. Do not tell your son just yet. I understand kids are smart and all that, but do not underestimate the effect this will have on your son. It WILL shatter his world. Any type of dramatic change will change your child and he needs to be protected. Mom's number one job, and it sounds like you've been doing a great job of that so far. I understand why you didn't tell your son. At 1, he wouldn't remember the bio dad, especially not being a part of his life really, and your husband IS his Dad. It's not the sperm that makes the dad. Your husband has been there for all the fevers, the sleepless nights, the diapers, all the firsts, playing catch, you name it, your husband has been there. The bio dad may be having a sudden attack of conscience, or who knows what, but no matter the reason, waiting and not jumping into anything would be the best. Actually, if you had established a life without the bio dad, you should have had him give up his rights to your son long ago to avoid this in the first place. It would have made your family secure. My opinion probably is not going to be popular, but my first concern is the child. First, you talk to a child psychologist without your son, to find out the best way to handle this situation. Get advice from the experts on this one. Tell the bio dad to hold off. He's waited this long to even show interest, what's a few more weeks while you and your husband figure this out. The last thing you need is to rip apart the only family your son has ever known, only to have the bio dad disappear again. If he is not going to be fully committed, he needs to give up his rights, and the best thing he can do for his son is to let him have a secure, happy life without the added turmoil. Do not uproot your son to bring him to a stranger, and your husband should be allowed to be a part of this process every step of the way. You have to know he sees your son as his own, and it would be wrong to not consider him. Best of luck.

Lydia - posted on 05/15/2012

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To be honest with you, I have been in your same shoes. The bio father of my children did an said a lot of things. The guy I am married to now are my children's father. He adopted them over a year ago. To this day my children knows their real father but doesn't not want him to be their dad. This choice is yours. Know one can answer that for you. You can seek all options from other, but you need to think about was is best for you child.he comes first. I thought about my girls and they are happy with the life try are in. If you feel that in the begging he ran away from his responsibilities, what do you think he might do when he gets tired this time. You tell your son now an your son looks for him all the time and the father ever shows what is that going to do except break his heart. The. Notice is totally yours.


Devoted Mother of two
Easton, Maryland

Mhairi - posted on 05/15/2012

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Honestly, you need to make sure your son doesn't get hurt. I'd say your best to find out more about his biological dad first to see if you can trust him and also talk about it with your husband. If you don't get it just right it can all blow up in your face. It might be better if your husband speaks to your son about it first, my partner wants to be the one to do the, i'm your dad but i'm not your dad talk when the time comes with my eldest. Good luck with whatever you choose to do :)

Emma - posted on 05/15/2012

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Big decisions for you, well reading this first of all makes me think if he truly does want to see your son it should be him making the plane trip..... why should you and your son be the one's having to go to him,
Would I tell my son if it was me I really dont know, only you as his mum can make that decision, my little boy is 6 and its such a funny age, maybe introducing this man as a family friend to begin with so he gets to build a bond that way, then later on explaining it too him,
I truly hope things work out for you and your family. emm xx

Jennie - posted on 05/15/2012

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You should tell your son the truth and let him decide if he wants to meet his biological father or not. The longer you wait to tell your son the truth, the more difficult it will be for all of you, and the more he may resent you for lying to him.

Terry - posted on 05/15/2012

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did he say it would be round trip tickets? it is good for your son to know his bio- father, but it should be on your turf not the fathers. if he really wants to know his son. he will fly to him and pay for motel to be able to visit. and it has to include you, and the rest of your family at first. less trauma for the child.

Nicole - posted on 05/14/2012

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Children are very smart if you talk to him and explain in detail how every thing happened he will understand. Be ready to answer a million questions. He will have confusion on why his dad is not his real dad but he is his best friend. Let your son decide if he wants to meet his dad. It is better to let your child allow your child to build his own opinion of their dad or mom. As a mother you want to protect him but it is harder to let them grow up and then tell them cause more emotional damage. I hope this helped and these are my thoughts I wish you the best

Aimee - posted on 05/14/2012

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seems dad was given the opportunity from the get go. Mom didn't abduct the child or withhold where they were. They both made choices and now must go on.

Aimee - posted on 05/14/2012

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First, how does your husband feel? It affects him mostly at this point since he has been the father. If there is no child support court order, get one and wages garnished. Second, set up a specific time each week that he can call your son and talk to him while you monitor the phone call on either another phone or via speaker phone. If he can do that, plus remember his birthday and holidays for whatever amount of time you specify,then consider it.....but don't go visit him, if he wants to see his son, make it on your turf....make him come to you, he can stay in a hotel.

Lynette - posted on 05/11/2012

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we are a simular situation my son altho they didnt marry met a girl who was 5 mths pregnant he was there at the birth and has raised this child since birth the father didnt want to know about that thing as he referred to this little girl she is turning 4 next week his sister has wanted to meet her niece we were hurt by this as none of them have bothered until now but she did met her aunt but wasnt introduced as her aunt now the dad wants to meet her and my sons partner has agreed on the condition he is introduced by his name as this child has only known our son as not to confuse the childs father wasnt happy about not being introduced as daddy but did agree now we have to make a tough decission as to how old the c hild will be before she nows who her real dad is so maybe arrange for him to meet his son with either you or another family member his has right to know his father maybe wait until he is old enough to understand he will always see your partner as dad as that is who he has loved but later on he can also build up a relationship with his biological father in a way he is lucky to have 2 fathers

Tracy - posted on 05/11/2012

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Tell him not that he has two fathers but a father and a dad and explain that a father helped make him but that a dad helps to raise him. Then the whole family should go meet his father and do not let him be called Dad.

Leni - posted on 05/10/2012

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I think you should let your son know he has another father at this age now since he is so young. If you don't trust having your son around his biolgical father you can let your son know and just having him talk on the phone with him if he's comfortable and if he is just let him talk to him for a while and when you think he's and your ready then you should let your son meet him. I hope everything works out!!!

User - posted on 05/10/2012

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You're so lucky to find a man that is willing to raise him as his own, but as much as you don't want to think about it, there's a big chance you'll split up down the line and he'll be real quick to let your son know he's not really his at that point. It will hurt him so much more when he's older. Right now he's six, everything is new, everyone is new, introduce his dad as a friend and once they build a bond tell him that's his "biological" dad. Let him know there are all types of dads, biological dads that help mommy's make babies, the real dads that raise children, and the dads that are sometimes not around. He can decide which category this dad falls into as he grows up. But if you don't tell him the truth and he finds out later, YOU will be the bad guy in his eyes.

Amy - posted on 05/10/2012

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My daughter is 7 and she was 1 when my husband entered her life. She has never met her "father". As of now she doesn't know. My husband says that she is his daughter. I have yet to tell her because I don't think she will understand. I say follow your motherly instincts.

Amanda - posted on 05/09/2012

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My opinion, as a person who was adopted, and the mother of a child whose father has done the same thing, you should tell your son. Be honest. Give him the chance to make the decision for himself. My daughter was the same age when she started asking about her father. I contacted him and he said he wanted to be involved and he was sorry and nothing really changed. He made no effort. Sh went to visit a couple times and then said she didn't want to go back. I have left it up to her. She is now 14 and feels the same way. He tries to tell her I kept him away from her but she knows the truth. I found my biological patents when I was 21. I always knew I was adopted though. It is just something that I needed to do. My adopted famil was the greatest, but I needed to see where I came from.

Tabatha - posted on 05/09/2012

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Maybe you should start out by letting him talk to his son over the phone first. Don't tell him that he is his father, just a friend, until he shows he can at least call on a regular basis. Then, after you feel comfortable enough, try letting them meet.

T - posted on 05/09/2012

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Take it in baby steps. Go visit and see what he's like as freinds. Hes still little, see where it goes you don't have to tell your son all at once. If his real dad gets serious and they develop a relationship down the road you can tell him then how is everything on paper? Have you done anything legally?

User - posted on 05/09/2012

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Let him know his biological father now. Let him know his father through you not through somebody else so that he might not hate you nor get him hurt the more. Best of luck

Cleomie - posted on 05/08/2012

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Ea h child has a right to know the circumstances of their birth. If you keep it a secret too long, whenever he finds out, he will hate you for lying to him for so long.

Megan - posted on 05/08/2012

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If the father truly wanted to be a part of his life then he should come to YOU. Dont take your son out of a comfortable environment for a huge event like this. His chances of getting emotionally hurt will be greater because he will be more uncomfortable.

Neddy - posted on 05/08/2012

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Well, I think maybe you and your husband should go to his home. That way you can find out a lot about him by the way he lives, if he has a family and everything else should fall in to place on the kind of man he really is, but i think this needs to be done a few times.

I think you and your husband should not allow him to come to your home yet, for obvious reasons, such as you don't know what he is like and what he is capable of anymore. People change! As you put it..."He is a stranger to you now".



Also, you could start telling your son he has 2 daddys, then go from their to explain and make it as comfort for both of you and not so dramatic.

[deleted account]

I see nothing wrong with him being a part of your son's life, but I'd make him prove he was truly interested in helping you two out. I'd also discuss it with your husband and see how he feels about it. I have never been in this situation before, as a parent or a child, so I don't know exactly how to go about this, but definitely talk to your husband about it.

Also, I wouldn't go down there to the bio-dad, I'd make him come see me. If he has money to send me plane tickets or whatever, then surely he'd be able to come up himself. It just doesn't jive with me that the guy wants you and your son to come down by yourselves to see him and spend time with him. If he truly wants to be a part of your son's life, then it can't possibly do any harm to him to make the trip himself.

Neddy - posted on 05/08/2012

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Honesty is the Best policy is what i believe because as time goes by there is a very good chance in the childs life where they will find out and hearing it elsewhere will only make it worst for you. Children have put their trust and security in the hands of their parents and it is up to us to make sure it stays that way.

I believe that you should start telling your child now while he is young. That way he will be able to handle it more better than telling him when he's a teenager because you and your husband will be able to nurture him throughout this ordeal very easily, than when he is older. Teenagers blow out quickly when you tell them something later on in life.

Also, if this person wants to meet up with your son I think it is in the best interest and safety that your husband is present. Your husband has much to say in this as you do.

You did the right thing in trying to contact him years ago but you know what....too bad for him. A real man is not SCARED to face his responsibilities. Old enough to make a baby, old enough to face it is what I say.

I wish you all the luck and keep strong!

Heather - posted on 05/08/2012

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*thats my suggestion. And thats the plan we have set up for when Haileys dad is serious about being in her life. Good luck hun. I really hope it works out for you.

Heather - posted on 05/08/2012

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I am in the same boat my oldest out of my three. Isnt my husbands. He came into are lifes right after Hailey turned one. Her bio father putting that as nice as I can. Took off when he found out I was pregnant. He came back for her birth than disappeared again. She is now 6 years old. All she knows is my husband as her daddy. And their is no changing her mind. I agree they all deserve to know and make their own decisions of their bio parent. I have agreed to let her father see her time & time again. And every time he dose something to mess it up. I want to tell my daughter the truth but at 6 she wont fully understand whats going on. And im scared for her. I feel ur frustration. But your guy sounds like he really wants to be their. Set up rules before you go. Make him earn his title! Your husband has been their for everything. And deftly do not go down their with out him. If his bio dad wants to be apart of u guys son. He needs to accept his daddy to. I wouldnt tell your son this is ur dad. But start off with this is so and so. And make this guy earn the right to have him call him dad or wherever. And together all 3 parents sit down when you feel its time to tell him. It hats my suggestion.

Bette Jo - posted on 05/08/2012

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I agree with Terri. If he really wants to begin a relationship with his son it should be on your turf, with present husband involved. You say you don't know this man that well anymore. I think Susan Powell thought she knew her husband, now she is missing and her little boys are in Heaven. Stay safe meet him on your terms and with the support of your family and friends. Best wishes and good luck.

Brandi - posted on 05/08/2012

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Tell him! I grew up not knowing who my dad was. I know your son has a father in his life but he deserves to know his bio dad. Don't put yourself in a position for your son to resent you for not telling him. The more honest you are with him the better. Give the bio dad a chance. I know you want to protect your son I get that. My mom had the same reasons for keeping my dad a secret. I was never old enough. I wouldn't understand. There were so many excuses and I had a really hard time. It hurt me more than she ever realized. I was 26 yrs old before she finally told me the truth. Be honest. Your son deserves the truth.

Tracie - posted on 05/08/2012

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I was in the same situation as you...i had my son when i was 17 but then i got the next yr then when i was 21 i got pregnat with my second son, (my oldest is now 17 and the second son is now 14) my ex has not seen them since 4 and 6months old, support is in arrears over $12,000. I have checked all aspects of this when my son was 10 he wanted to "take him fishing" my oldest son only has bad memories of his bio dad and i got remarried when my second son was 4 so when he asked me why he and his brother had different last name i told him do you want to know the truth...he said yes, i told him but i also told him that it is the man who he calls dad that is his dad in every way that matters and that he is so blessed! It does not have to be a negative thing i think alot goes on our attitude towards it! BUT in Pennsylvania, there is a law where the paternal father "involuntary gives up rights if he has not seen that child in years." so that means that if my children ever want to persue a relationship it would go through court and he would have to pay for supervised visits ( it is called child interduction) GO CHECK THE CUSTODY LAWS BEFORE YOU AGREE TO ANYTHING!!! ( this is how i know he is not serious he wont pay to see them, if they are not worth his money then he is not worthy of them!!! i used to get mad but i have realized now that i am blessed and he has really missed out my oldest son will be leaving in aug. for the Marines and does not want anything to do with the biological he says my husband is his dad and he has his Heavenly Father!!

Lori - posted on 05/08/2012

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I would not go. You are married, and there is no reason to disrupt your family. If he wants to meet his son, he can fly to where you are and stay in a hotel and meet your son on your terms. That may include having your husband in the room so that your son can feel reassured that he is not losing one father by gaining another. It is not your fault that he was scared, and you should not have to cater to his whims. If he is serious about this, he'll make the effort, not just flash the cash.

[deleted account]

I'd ask Bio dad to come to you for the first visit. It would be more comfortable for your son to be where he knows then to be in a strange place and meet a stranger who is his dad. If bio dad is sincere enough about wanting to be in son's life he should have no prob making the trip. and besides, one plane ticket is cheaper than two.

Tara - posted on 05/08/2012

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I have been in a similar situation. I had my son at 17. His father took off 4 months later and got married and had more kids. When my son wad 5 he tried to come back into his life but I was in a serious relationship. Here he was just trying to get me back. After a few months and he realized that wasn't going to happen, he stopped coming around again. My son is now 16. A few months ago he got a Facebook friend request from his father. He showed me and then deleted it. I contacted his father and asked him how he could have the nerve to do such a thing after 11 years. He said he was sorry for not being there and resented that he had made that mistake. I told him that before I would let him near my son to hurt him again he would have to prove to me that he was serious about becoming a part of his life. Unfortunately in our case I haven't heard from him. The one thing that I have always done is told my son the truth - to an extent. He doesn't need to hear things that are hurtful. When he would ask why his dad didn't come see him I would say he lived really far away. Which was the truth. The thing with your situation is why should you go there. If he truly wants to see his son he would come to him. Plus your husband should be with you. You are a family and he needs to understand that.

Katie - posted on 05/08/2012

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I would suggest him coming to visit where you live. Give him one more chance then if he doesn't follow through, you know you did your part, but its on familiar territory for your son.

Tammy - posted on 05/08/2012

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Ashley, God bless you. You are asking a great question. Your husband is his real father, just not his birth father. You know your son and yourself so trust yourself a little to know when you should tell him. Talk to your husband, see how he feels. He may have ideas. I think after you and your husband agree on a plan you think would work, then talk to his birth father. Its a tough situation to be and I will pray that you all figure out a great plan.
As an adoptive parent, I think real parents are the ones who stay and love and grow. Birth parents are different. Some stay and some don't. Don't feel bad for doing what you thought was right. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for finding a fantastic father for your son and a great husband for yourself. Just be honest when you think you can and your child can understand it. You know him best.

User - posted on 05/08/2012

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I would just tell him he is lucky and has 2 dads.. I would also tell the bio dad to come to you - your son will be more comfy in his home environment... honestly, I would try to work with the bio dad as he has a legal right and you don't want a messy court thing if he gets serious... I would keep the relationship as friendly as you can with bio dad -- so your son stays relaxed and can bond as well..

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