Should I try to get my 3yr sons biodad involved in his life or just leave the situation alone? LONG POST

Ariana - posted on 11/04/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

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My son is 3 (just turned) and he has only seen his biodad maybe 3 times all under the age of 2. We weren't a real couple and when I got pregnant I told my sons biodad and he ran off with his ex girlfriend (mother of his first son) and denied being my sons dad.



My family hated him, he's also about 7 years older than me and I got pregnant at 17, so they wanted him to not be involved. He's an alcoholic, has gone to court for domestic abuse (not with me and he claims it's all false so I have no idea if it's true or not), smokes weed, used to do other things before we met. He didn't have a job when we met and was constantly getting into trouble for one thing or another. He also has bi-polar and who knows what else. He's one of those people who can be super sweet, awesome, and then the next day do a total turn-around and be mean and not care about anyone but himself. He also tends to twist things to others and in his own mind, you can't believe anything he says.



Since my son was born her tried contacting me 3 times. He would say he wanted to talk to me and see my son and I would take him seriously and go see him and thing. I would talk to him for a bit but then he would suddenly email me and say it's not his kid etc. I finally realized he was contacting me when things weren't going well with his 'fiance' and I think he would chat with me to make her jealous, and once she took him back (after realizing I was talking to him) he would deny my son was his. I didn't realize what was going on and I was very cautious talking to him. I finally realized he was just messing around and told him to leave me alone, I didn't want him calling me in and out of his life and having my son see him on and off just because he decided today he thought he was my sons dad and then later he'd change his mind when it wasn't convenient for him.



He tried contacting me one more time and I just blocked him off everything I had and told him not to contact me because I wasn't going to play games with him. I try to keep my life pretty drama free and didn't want this big hassle.



He tried to tell me before that he has his life sorted out, he's doing fine, has a job etc. I don't know whether to believe him or not. I feel like my son has a very high temperment. He's actually a lot better now since he turned three and I put it up to the fact that I've always tried to be very calm and consistent with him. Even now sometimes he just gets SO EXCITED you can tell just by him talking that his brain is going a thousand miles a minute.



On one hand I don't want to be a block in the path of my son seeing his father, who may or may not have straightened out, but on the other hand I've worked so hard to try to make sure my son is calm and has consistant loving discipline. He's this sweet kid but even when I take him to recreational activities he's the kid that will see ONE kid doing something that kids not supposed to and he'll start doing the same thing as them. Like at his little swimming class this one boy started putting water in his mouth and spitting it and next thing you know he was doing it even though the other boys in the class weren't. That's just an example but he does that ALL the time. He's just the type of kid that imitates others and has a very energetic tempermant.



I'm afraid bringing his biodad into his life could have negative effects on him. His biodad also has two children from before my son was born (apparently there is another one that no one acknowledges on top of that) and another child from a woman he's 'engaged to' with her other 4 children. I can't just use the excuse 'he can't take care of you right now' because he's in the process of taking care of his other kids and other peoples kids. His dad will say I kept him from seeing him even though I had tried those other three times to have him involved and told him I wanted to make sure he was ok and then he'd take everything back and drop my son again saying he wasn't his.



I'm just not sure what to do, do I try to get this man involved? Is it better to keep him away? I feel like no matter what I do I somehow lose. If I don't involve him my son will grow up and be angry at me and have no father in his life, if I do involve him I can't 'uninvolve him' ever and he might still be a terrible influence for my son.



I just don't want to hurt my sons life. The same sex parent is the most important role model and I don't want my son to be influenced into acting out.

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Ariana - posted on 11/05/2012

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No we have no visitation in place. The biodad tends to yo-yo back and forth between saying he's the father and claiming he's not, depending on if it suits him or not. I mean I could contact him and he might just go off again and say he has nothing to do with it etc. etc. He's basically 'uninvolved' at this piont. My main worry is if I open the doors to involve him and he DOES decide to stay involved (which may or may not happen) I might be opening the doors to having my son hurt in the future.



That's why I feel the dilema, one way and he's got no father, and the other way he's got a father who's a bad influence.

Gwen - posted on 11/05/2012

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Do you have a court ordered visitation agreement in place? My daughter is 4 1/2. Her father only visits her about 3 times a year. I don't ban him from seeing her, but I also don't go out of my way to chase him down. If he 'claims' to have straightened up his act, you could agree a short visit, like a couple of hours, in a public setting (park, playground). I never left my daughter w/ her father until I was sure she felt comfortable being there. Sometimes that meant hanging out for 15-20 minutes before leaving. Also, I don't tell her that he is coming to visit until the last possible minute. That way, if he cancels, she never knows it.

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