SHOULD I WALK AWAY FROM MY CHILD OR KEEP FIGHTING

CC - posted on 07/02/2016 ( 3 moms have responded )

14

0

5

I'm a single mum in my late 20's with a 7 year old child. My ex partner is a bully who has a lot of control on my life and is very good at manipulating people.
Our child has no stable routine due to being moved back and forth. I work night shifts doing over 40 hours a week as I am the one who seems to be financially responsible for the child, he pays money through CSA but refuses to pay for anything else i.e. school uniforms, activities, items needed for school, holidays, holiday clubs etc
Our child's behaviour is starting to change, she has these angry outbursts, she has hit me on several occasions, now tells a lot of lies, will not speak to me about how she feels, has been getting told off at school and this last week I was stopped by the teacher who expressed some concern and said she has been looking very sad this past week and seems to be acting up which is not her normal behaviour especially at school.

When I try to discuss these issues with the father he never addresses the issue instead he makes it about me, starts making false accusations and always trying to paint a bad picture of me bearing in mind I am the one who supports her financially, encourages her to do well in school, supports her in whatever she does, always try to do my best to show her that she is loved and well cared for. She is my number 1 priority I do not have a social life any free time I have away from my daughter is spent working I can not have a relationship as money spent on relationships needs to go to my daughter.
Its so difficult to speak to him so we can try and see what we can do to help our daughter, the more I try to be civil towards him the more he bullies me and sees me as a weak person.

Co-peranting with an abuser is so difficult Im tired of feeling depressed, stressed, bullied and constantly being made to feel and look like a bad person. All I am trying to do is give the child a normal stable life. I feel sorry for her you can tell this is a lot for a child to handle, I have made an appointment with a child psychologist to see if the she will open up and say whats on her mind.

I feel powerless and Im now at the point were I feel like walking away as this cant be healthy for a child or for myself. I can't walk away with the child as I will be accused of stopping contact and going back to court may result in her being made to live with the father and I will only have visits every other weekend.

I need advise on whether I should give up on my daughter so she can have some stability even though this means everything I have sacrificed to give her will stop as the father will not make the same sacrifices and doesn't seem to have much interest in her education either.
There is no one to turn to as there is a court order in place and approaching any professionals to express what I think is best for the child after seeing how things have got worse since the order started in 2014 may result in me being accused of making things up to try and stop contact. I am really tired and emotionally drained, Im sure this is not what being a parent is about, I can't see things getting any better.
I have tried contacting DV helplines but as it is all emotional abuse its difficult to prove, I feel empty inside and I can't imagine going another year like this. I don't feel suicidal at all I just need to freed from this pain and I don't want to leave my child behind being raised by this monster but I don't know how I can fight this and show the professionals how all of this is affecting the child.

Please if anyone can HELP....

Im not saying contact with her father should be stopped but our child needs stability.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Ev - posted on 07/02/2016

7,227

7

909

{{I'm a single mum in my late 20's with a 7 year old child. My ex partner is a bully who has a lot of control on my life and is very good at manipulating people. }}
*****First I must say that the only control he has is the control that you allow. You should not let him walk over you to get what he wants in the first place. I also have to assume that you have some sort of court orders of custody, visitation and child support in place from what I have read. I am breaking this down so I can answer you better in this post. I am not trying to be mean about anything either so understand that some of what I say does come from experiences not of just my own but because I do know people who are single mothers who have had to do it alone and one with 3 kids and one of those was 7 years older than the younger two.*****
{{Our child has no stable routine due to being moved back and forth. I work night shifts doing over 40 hours a week as I am the one who seems to be financially responsible for the child, he pays money through CSA but refuses to pay for anything else i.e. school uniforms, activities, items needed for school, holidays, holiday clubs etc }}
*****First off, your child’s routine has just changed I take it if there is a visitation order in place. Meaning that she will be back and forth between you and dad unless there is a joint custody going on. If that is the case she is going to have to learn to adjust to the changes in her life. You have to understand also that she does not understand any of this or why it is happening only that her parents are apart and that she has to go to two different places. You say he pays money through CSA=child support association. As long as he is paying what his is obligated to pay then the other costs unless stipulated in that order are part of the child support. Holidays such as Christmas and Holiday clubs are really extras and not a needed expense. If you want to change the child support or custody orders to include he has to pay half of the school uniforms, school activities, and school supplies and/or child care then it has to go back to court. *****
{{Our child's behaviour is starting to change, she has these angry outbursts, she has hit me on several occasions, now tells a lot of lies, will not speak to me about how she feels, has been getting told off at school and this last week I was stopped by the teacher who expressed some concern and said she has been looking very sad this past week and seems to be acting up which is not her normal behaviour especially at school.}}
*****Second, your child’s behavior is changing because she is in the middle of this and has no way to actually tell you how she feels about this situation as it is beyond her comprehension. Acting out is her way of gaining attention she might not be getting because you and dad are always at it over her or other things, she Is not willing to speak about it because she has control of it this way. I think that you need to talk to the school counselor and teacher and include them in on what is going on. They can be of help to you during this time and knowing why your daughter is sad all the time will help them help her. You said you were taking her to a counselor and I think you could also do some good for yourself if you went as well and did not only separate counseling but also together as a family.*****




{{When I try to discuss these issues with the father he never addresses the issue instead he makes it about me, starts making false accusations and always trying to paint a bad picture of me bearing in mind I am the one who supports her financially, encourages her to do well in school, supports her in whatever she does, always try to do my best to show her that she is loved and well cared for. She is my number 1 priority I do not have a social life any free time I have away from my daughter is spent working I can not have a relationship as money spent on relationships needs to go to my daughter. }}
*****If talking to dad gets you now where it may be time to find either a third party to communicate through, or do it via emails or text messages. This way you address only the things that need to be addressed. It does not matter who is doing what for the child, granted it is mostly you, but that the child’s needs are met. You seem to keep falling into his drama when he stirs up things and makes it about you. You are allowing this to happen instead of taking steps to communicate another way.*****
{{Its so difficult to speak to him so we can try and see what we can do to help our daughter, the more I try to be civil towards him the more he bullies me and sees me as a weak person.}}
*****Like I said in the paragraph above, find an alternate route of communication.*****

*****Co-peranting with an abuser is so difficult Im tired of feeling depressed, stressed, bullied and constantly being made to feel and look like a bad person. All I am trying to do is give the child a normal stable life. I feel sorry for her you can tell this is a lot for a child to handle, I have made an appointment with a child psychologist to see if the she will open up and say whats on her mind.}}
*****Co-parenting is not an easy task for parents who do not get along for whatever reasons are there. That is why a third party may be needed to do this and do not use your family members or his. You need a person that is not biased in their opinions of either of you. Also you are feeling depressed, stressed, bullies, and made out to be the bad buy because you allow him to do so or what he says to affect you in such a manner. You and only you can stop that. The child did not ask for any of this to happen and she is suffering more than you or dad are. It does affect her greatly in the long run. Given this sounds like a recent thing, her behavior can be mostly about the changes and her only route to express her feelings. At 7 she still does not have the vocabulary to tell you her emotions because she can not fathom the right words for that. Some are not in her vocabulary yet and this is how she gets it out. As said, a counselor is a great idea not just for her but for you both.*****
{{I need advise on whether I should give up on my daughter so she can have some stability even though this means everything I have sacrificed to give her will stop as the father will not make the same sacrifices and doesn't seem to have much interest in her education either.}}
*****Can you honestly really walk from your daughter? Can you imagine what she would feel after that? It is bad enough her parents are fighting over things over her and she has to go between homes all the time on some sort of schedule that has interrupted her life so far and she has to get used to it. I do not think it would be wise to abandon her like that. And giving her over to her father at that point for what? You can not please all people in this life time. You need to do what is best for her and you. Forget what he wants. Just concentrate on what she needs and deal with things about her with dad not anything else. She sees what is going on and when she grows up she will let both her parents know what she thinks. She knows who is taking care of her though she is having adjustment issues at this point. If you walk out, you will regret it. Trust me I know and will explain in a bit how I know though what happened was a bit different.*****
(((There is no one to turn to as there is a court order in place and approaching any professionals to express what I think is best for the child after seeing how things have got worse since the order started in 2014 may result in me being accused of making things up to try and stop contact. I am really tired and emotionally drained, Im sure this is not what being a parent is about, I can't see things getting any better. I have tried contacting DV helplines but as it is all emotional abuse its difficult to prove, I feel empty inside and I can't imagine going another year like this. I don't feel suicidal at all I just need to freed from this pain and I don't want to leave my child behind being raised by this monster but I don't know how I can fight this and show the professionals how all of this is affecting the child.)))
((Im not saying contact with her father should be stopped but our child needs stability.))
*****Some questions:
1) What is the custody frame work? Is it joint custody and how is it set? Who has primary care?
2) What is the visitation schedule?

Also approaching a professional to work with you and the child to see if what is going on is not going to make you look bad. If you feel things are not good with this custody set up, it can go back to court to be redefined and worked out for her needs. A professional is unbiased and can tell a judge the emotional goings on of the child to take into consideration what is going on. Also, depending on what is going on between you and dad on talking about raising this child will also be considered. It will not make it look like you are trying to stop visits or contact but can help establish some things that can be added to or adjusted on your custody, visits and so forth. You just need to find someone who can talk to your child and to you and see what is going on. They can report their findings to the court. Also you could ask for an ad lietm for the child which is an attorney who can do home visits and interviews to determine what is going on and is best for the child and his or her report to the court can help make things better or happen.
To me it sounds like you and dad argue a lot and she hears it and sees it and that is not good for her. Also dad may or may not be saying a lot of things about you to her when you are not there. Also, givien this sounds like a recent thing…a year…she has not had time to get used to the changes and that explains her changed behavior and sadness. Also you and dad may not be helping with the arguments and she can pick up on all that….your emotions, his emotions, and hostility to each other. She does not have to know that is what it is but she can tell things are not right. And until you both learn to get along to a point for her benefit—things won’t change.
To the point of not having a social life—that goes with parenting no matter if it is in a situation where the parents are together or the parents are apart. It is a fact of life. Also, when parenting a child for the majority of the time, you do not get time to go out and do something to get away from everything for a couple hours. When she is with dad you could find something to do to enjoy. I do not know what you do now. That item I told you about regretting if you walked away and I knew of something similar—my kids lived with dad most of the time because I agreed to his having them for their stable life and peace of mind. Though he was there all the time when they lived in his house, he was not there for them from what they have told me. He gave his all to his step kids and would not spend any one on one time with them. A few weeks ago my son told his dad how disappointed he was in his father for how he was while they grew up and that he was not the father he should have been. My son said his dad looked like he regretted not having done more. He in a sense walked away from them when he got focused on others. I had little social life even though I did not have the kids with me more. I did however focus on them more anyway because they were my life. And today we are closer than we could ever have imagnined.
I think you have somethings to deal with before worrying about social life and fun. You and your ex need to get your acts together and learn to communicate only for the benefit of your child. You and your child need counseling. And you need to give your child time to adjust to things especially if they have been hard as you say they have been. Its not easy for a child of split parents. As I said they suffer more.*****

3 Comments

View replies by

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms