Should my husband and I invite my son's father to his 4th birthday?

Lindsay - posted on 03/06/2012 ( 9 moms have responded )

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My son's father tries to act like he is apart of my son's life and he is father of the year. He lost legal and physical custody and only has supervised visitation when I allow it. He was never much of a dad before he lost custody and now he wants to come to my son's 4th birthday party (which will be at mine and my husbands home). I am worried that he will try to be side by side with my son while he is opening gifts or cutting the cake instead of my husband who takes care of his every need and want. I would have no problem taking my son to see him for a few hours on his birthday but that "isn't good enough" for his dad. All of my husbands family and my family will be there and I am worried this will look bad in the courts eyes if I don't allow him to come. We go back for a review of custody in May... HELP

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[deleted account]

Here's my opinion and you probably aren't gonna like it, even though I hope you can understand that I'm coming at this from your son's point of view. No matter what kind of "father of the year" attitude your ex has, he is the boy's father. I know that your husband is MORE of a father to him. But this isn't about your husband OR your son's birth father. This is about your son turning 4 and needing all of his loved ones with him on his special day. I think if your son sees that you and your husband are secure enough in your situation as a family, secure enough to let both Daddies be there for him, that it will teach him a very valuable lesson on tolerance, selflessness (on your and your husband's part) and acceptance (of a difficult situation). I think the only reason to not allow your son's birth father at the party is if you are worried that he will cause a huge scene or if he is prone to violence or into drugs, etc. If it's just a matter of the adults getting along, then no offense, but it really would be best for your son if all the adults involved could suck it up and make the best of the day. And if you do allow birth father at the party, and he does want to be there by his son's side opening gifts or cutting cake, there's no harm in that. Maybe just have your son sit with birth daddy while he opens HIS gift and then sort of put him in a circle (surrounded by EVERYone) to open the rest, so that he's not really sitting "next to" anyone. I hope this helps, and I hope you can take the advice in the spirit in which it is meant. If you and your husband can somehow just find a way to tolerate birth daddy for a few hours on your son's birthday(s), I think your son will thank you and appreciate you for it later in life.



Edited to add: My husband's parents divorced and remarried many years ago. They each are still unable to be in the same room together and what gets to me the most is that my son misses out on having all of his grandparents there ON his birthday AT his party. I mean, usually my husband's mom and her husband come to the actual party, and then Dad and his wife stop by the following weekend but it's not the same. They should be there for the cake and the balloons, etc. One year, I made the mistake of having two seperate parties, just to cater to them all. Never again. I hope you find a solution that works for everyone involved, mostly for your son. Best of luck to you.

Frank - posted on 10/27/2012

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If your husband is man enough, he won't feel insecure about your son's father being there on his son's birthday. You don't have a "golden uterus". He is both of your's son. I noticed you referred to him as 'My Son".....and I also noticed you were "worried of how it will LOOK in the eyes of the court"...your son isn't a trophy....or a possession. Why don't you worry more of how your son feels....if he truly is an absentee father...then your sons reaction will show that...but if he loves his father...and his father loves him...DO NOT INTERFERE... them figure it out....just try and imagine if the shoe were on the other foot.....

Bonnie - posted on 03/06/2012

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It is a tough decision. If you don't mind either way whether he is there, maybe you should ask your son if he wants him there.

Miriam - posted on 03/06/2012

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I wouldnt. if your husband is the one that loves, supports and is there for your son he should be the one that stands by him as his father. tell your son that he had to work and you will visit the next day :+)

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Karen - posted on 03/09/2012

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Hang in there Lindsay, prayers going out for you and your son. I am sure your lawyer can handle this. Sorry your Ex is being such a . Ahhhhhhhhh Bad guy

[deleted account]

I just read your response right above mine. Your ex is acting like a spoiled brat... Prayers that you have a great lawyer and a reasonable judge.

[deleted account]

At the party? Not w/ what you've stated. Let him know that you are more than willing to let him see his son on his birthday... maybe have a tiny 'party' of your own, but that the party isn't a good place for a visitation. You shouldn't look bad in the court's eyes since you aren't denying visitation.... just trying to avoid any potential problems w/ your ex.... especially if all of your current husband's family is there. Any judge w/ half a brain SHOULD understand that.

Lindsay - posted on 03/09/2012

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I have asked my son and he thinks it would be "awesome" to have two parties. He told me "my daddy can make me a cake and take me to dinner, just me and him. Mom, you can have my a sleep over okay?" He followed it by "I am a special boy. I can get 2 parties."



After talking to his father, whom is only allowed supervised visitation, responded to my son's comments stating "You want him to have two separate parties?" After 20 minutes of explaining it is NOT me it was our son's idea, he became irate at the fact I would not allow my son over to his home for a party. My reasoning for saying no to that was because I do not feel it would be fair to my son to see his dads house and not understanding why he cannot stay there without me. His father decided to take it upon his self to tell my son "This is your mother's fault." So my son is now mad at whom??? Yep ME! Oh and better yet, I just got served custody papers! GREAT!

Karen - posted on 03/06/2012

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This is a hard one Lindsay..I was a child of divorce also. My parents didn't get along really at all, was always fighting about one thing or another. My Father walked me to the Alter, I wanted both families on the front row. NO WAY, mom and step dad sat in front, dad & step mom behind them



If your family & your husbands family know how he is, then they won't be fooled into thinking he is Mr. A+ on the Daddy hit parade. Your son will only see his daddy at his party. Your husband now is probably a Wonderful man who knows who is # 1 in his life. Maybe if you invitied him one of your family members can keep him occupied while gifts are opened. or have a gr mama help him with the gifts while you and hubby take pictures.

If you still have an attorney who helped with the divorce and custody why don't you call them. To see how this would fly with the courts. I don't think he can really Demand you to do anything other then the supervised visits.



It is definitely up to you and your husband how you handle this. Pray Pray & Pray some more.



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