Should SM's have a say so in what goes on

Bri - posted on 07/07/2011 ( 200 moms have responded )

29,558

29

216

What do you all think about SMs who just want to have it ALL. Control, the blame game, kids calling her MOMMY etc. What do you all think?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Gwen - posted on 07/08/2011

1,345

7

220

It's not a competition. The goal of parenting (step or otherwise) is to take the best care of your kids possible. There are no "winners" so keeping score will never do anything to improve the situation.

Ann Marie - posted on 07/08/2011

9

20

0

I am on both sides of this situation. I am a step mom to 3 boys of whom my husband and I have custody and my oldest son has a step mom. I think (and so does my SC therapist) that all grownups involved should try to work together to make the best out of the situation for the children. There should be no "control" or "blame game". The rules at one home may not work at another and that is okay simply make sure the children understand that in your home they must follow your rules and even though you may not agree with them they need to follow the rules when at their SM house as well. I do think you should try and communicate w/ ur X without the children present about things you don't agree with. And although my SC do call me mommy I don't think it is ever appropriate to "make" them call a SM anything they are not comfortable with. I think that should be left up to the child. I know it's hard to hear your child call someone else mommy (my son calls his SM mom)but she is a parent to them. It is best to just imagine how the child feels and try to make it easiest on them. As parents we have to do things we don't want to for the sake of our children. If u show her respect(even when she doesn't deserve it) ur children will see(and learn) that and in the end will know who the better person is.

[deleted account]

I would feel devistated if my child called another woman mom. I don't think a step parent has the right to over step those boundries. I do think that if a divorced parent re-marries then the child should be respectful of their house, rules etc.. but the step should offer the same respect to the child as well as that childs parents.

Tamara - posted on 07/08/2011

10,839

65

437

I think the bio parents should have the most say, with that said I do think that step parents need to have some say with raising kids. The way they all interact together deeply impacts the kids. I Do not think anyone of the adults involved should bad mouth the other adults in the situation.

As far as calling a step parent mommy or daddy that I think depends on the family and what the Child wants. I don't think anyone should force a child to call someone who is not their child to call them mommy or daddy. I do think that the step parent should be prepared if the child wants to.

Punzelina - posted on 07/08/2011

30

15

0

This issue is close to my heart as well. I have a 17 year old stepson, his father and I married when he was 13. We have full custody and his BM has visitation. She is the most irrational and hateful person I have ever met and manipulates and uses her son to get what she wants. SAD. She left when he was almost 2 years old and has been in and out for all of this time. It wasn't until I came along that she showed any real and consistent interest in him. Still, she fought paying child support, never attends any of his athletic or school events and doesn't buy him anything that he needs, only toys that gain her "points". She is very uncooperative and only visits him when it is on her terms and easy for her. She tries to keep him from doing things that he enjoys and goes for months without setting up any visitation, and yet gets upset if he isn't available at her beck and call... He calls me mom b/c I take care of him like a mom should. He also has a 3 year old half-brother (my son), for whom he feels the need to set an example. I consider him my son and in every respect except for giving birth to him, I am his mom. I give him counsel and advice when he needs, I reprimand him, I attend his school activities whenever I can, I keep his scrapbook, his doctor appointments, cook his dinner, buy his clothes, keep track of his every need as much as I do my 3 year old. He is my son.

To put things in perspective for some out there: my husband was adopted when he was a young boy. Since adulthood he has reunited with his birth parents, however, he acknowledges his adopted parents as his parents b/c they took responsibility for him and cared for him as a son. His birth parents have the respect of family, but he considers his adopted parents his parents. The same could be said of full time step moms. I am a birth mom and a step mom. I would be devastated if my son called another "mom", but I also wouldn't leave him - EVER. To all of you full time moms and step moms - Kudos to YOU! your love will have more of an impact than the vacation parent ever will!

This conversation has been closed to further comments

200 Comments

View replies by

Kalah - posted on 07/21/2011

10

0

0

Let me ask something else , if the sk(s) are with you only, on the days you have them wouldn't you expect them to listen to the things you say . ?! I think some of the moms saying the sm shouldn't have any say, are just rediculous

Kalah - posted on 07/21/2011

10

0

0

Let me ask something else , if the sk(s) are with you only, on the days you have them wouldn't you expect them to listen to the things you say . ?! I think some of the moms saying the sm shouldn't have any say, are just rediculous

Amberlee - posted on 07/21/2011

3

0

0

That's is a hard one. It is really between you and your ex how the kids are raised, handled and disciplined. You need to set ground rules as far as her involvement and what is expected of her. I do not mean that she is not important and that she should not be valued, but she should not make any decisions when it comes to your kids. I was a step Mom and I found that by my respecting her Mother and Father, it made our relationship much easier. And of course there is a natural jealousy that happens when another women is in your kids life, the way you handle it is how your kids will take cues. You also need to respect her and I promise this will make it easier on your relationship with your ex, your kids and her. I promise you no one will ever take your place and your kids know who their Mom is, it is natural for your kids to get caught in the middle if allowed, but they will know and if you are respectful they will respect you more in the end. It took me many years to appreciate that as hard as it was there were other women in my kids life, I realized they were very lucky to have so many people in their life to love them. Be patient, be respectful in the end I really believe you will find it can be good for all of you. You and your ex need to have a talk and set the ground rules.

[deleted account]

Very well put Christina! My situation is very similar, longer in years as "mom"; DH and I met not too long after the big D was finalized... It is very different for the situation where SM is everything for the SK - and BM decides suddenly that it is her place after walking away and having minimal involvement.
Bre - just remember that it is the child's choice because you have earned his respect and a place in his heart as a parent/role model! :)

Cristina - posted on 07/20/2011

2

13

0

I think that is great that your son does that. All of the six kids are mine too. The bm has visitation for 8 days a month. She tells the kids that Im a bad person and taking the kids from her so they have mixed emotions about how to feel about me. But I see what you are saying and I thank you for telling me your thoughts.

Kristi - posted on 07/20/2011

17

0

0

You have your step children call you "Mrs. _____"??? That just sounds so... cold, formal and uncaring. I was going along with until that point. That, I just don't get. I am in a similar situation, my husband and I have 7 kids all together. I had 3, he had 2 and we have 2 together. We think of them all as ours. My kid's "father" is not really in the picture, and it's the same with my step daughter. We are the only parents they have. My step son calls me "Mom" and his mother "Mommy". This was his choice and even though in the beginning we kept correcting him, he just kept doing it. FInally we realized that was what he was comfortable with, and after all, that is more important than our comfort in this situation, so we let him keep doing it.

Cristina - posted on 07/20/2011

2

13

0

I think it depends on your situation. I have six children and three of which are my step kids. My situation is different because my husband has custody of his three because his ex-wife pretty much abandoned them from a year to two years before I became a main figure in their lives. I have been their mother (only mother) since 2007. I think that if a bio mother leaves her children for someone else to raise and then decides to come back into their life after 2 years, that still gives the step parent some say in what happens to the children. It is very hard to step down as a step parent who has turned into a main parent and allow the bio parent to make decisions when the bio parent comes in and out of the children’s life. I have been to every school event, parent/teacher meeting, birthday/school parties, sports, doctors, dentists and stayed home from work when they were ill, etc. This makes you have more authority as a SM. On the other hand if its not a situation like mine, then the sm shouldn't really have a final say in anything. The sm should only be there as a bonus parent and not act as a main parent. As for calling a SM "mom", its not usually in the best interest of the children to allow this, even with SF being called "dad". In my situation I tell my step children to call me "Mrs. ____" and it works out of just fine. I think whatever works in your house is what you should do. As far as I know there is no law about what a child can call you. I told my step kids they can call me mom if they are ok with it or Mrs. ___ and out of the three, my SD calls me mom or mommy. and my bio daughter calls my husband dad even though he is her SD.

Kristi - posted on 07/20/2011

17

0

0

In my opinion, it's not that they want it all, but want the best for the kids. It is in the best interest of the children to have ALL of the parents on the same page and equally sharing in the parenting. Blame game? That's just immature on everyone's part and should be avoided, no good ever comes of it. As far as being called Mommy or Daddy, it may a difficult thing for bilogical parents to understand, but we have to realize that at that house, the adults there ARE the parental figures. Therefore, the "steps" are the Mommy or Daddy of that house. Especially if there are other children calling both parents Mommy and Daddy. =)

[deleted account]

@ Alisa - She IS a BM and a SM. I know from several of her postings that she is mixed on what to do as far as what her SK calls her. I also know some about the situation from PM that others might not know.
Yes, I am sticking up for Bre... I am a BM and SM as well. For those of us who are raising both BC and SC full time, the relationship with the SC is very strong. I know mine is, at least - and from what I've read/discussed with Bre - hers is too.
I know what she is asking, and it isn't about taking away the rights of the BM of her SK - it is why can't she have more legal rights as a parent.

@ Bre - with your soon to be DH being custodial parent, you can do all that he gives you permission to do as long it is within reason and completely legal. Your job as his (soon to be wife) is to assist him in raising his child(ren) as well as his duty is to assist you in raising your child(ren). There will always be the great debate between BMs and SMs. I say go with your heart and instincts and make sure that your man is in agreance!

Lika - posted on 07/19/2011

159

19

0

Try not to sweat too much over it. Single moms feel like they're not in control. They don't have a partner to help out with the daily routine, and even those that seem very situated probably feels out of the loop, and this is the way some of them cope, is to take charge of the whole situation. So, in order to be more democratic, I think that the rest of the moms should try to offer support, to let her know she's doing good. Then move on to the topic of the fact that the rest of the kids are yours, and you'd like to have a turn to take charge of the play time, and make it seem like she's deserving some time off. As for getting other kids to call her mommy, that's out of line. She has no right to insist to be called mom by other people's children. As for the blame game, that's part of the "out of control" I'm referring to. Maybe offer to babysit, or to have her and her kids come over for supper, or bring lunch to them on a weekend. It doesn't have to be extravagant, just something along the line of a deli rotisserie chicken with potato salad and a regular salad... when they're on sale... It might do the trick to help her calm down and less edgy to be dominant and pushy.

Alisa - posted on 07/19/2011

12

0

0

i'm sorry, breannemommyto2, you sound selfish, petty and immature. can't you think of another term of endearment besides 'mom; for your stepchildren to call you? whether you do more or not doesn't matter....we get exactly one mother and one father in this life time....and no one can replace them despite how much someone else does. and i'm sure BM would love the chance to do more for her daughter, but she's now divorced and is sharing time with her with you and BD. there is room for you to have a close relationship with your stepchildren without usurping their relationship with their mother. and i have a feeling you know this is wrong because you're looking to this community to support what you WANT, not what you know is right.

i would suggest that you not consider getting married if you are really this immature. and i've been both a BM and SM.....both can be very rewarding watching the little ones grow...and knowing you did the best for them will be the reward in itself.

Kalah - posted on 07/19/2011

10

0

0

I am a birth mother of two and a sm of two. They are w me and my husband about 75% of the time , I do parent them so they call me mom . And their real mom has no problem with it because she knows that if me and my husband ever split up I would still be a part of their lives . We are all on the same page as far as punishments, and routines . Consistentsy is key .

Kathryn - posted on 07/19/2011

11

16

3

As a mother of a 22 month old and a SM to a 7 year old whom lives with us 75% of the time...I am a parent. Period. I should be able to have equal say in the parenting of the child as it has a direct effect to me and my birth child. The most important thing to remember, however, is that ALL parents involved must be consistent. It isn't about control. Everyone needs to put their ego's aside and remember who is in the middle. The children. Be consistent with them. Be parents, not best buddies. Everyone will survive.

Sandra - posted on 07/19/2011

1

0

0

I've been a step-Mum myself for many years and certainly don't want it all! If anything, my Husband and I did more than our fair share of having his child (probably around 2/3 week). He never called me Mum either and I wouldn't have expected him to. I think the key is knowing where the boundaries lie and not using the children to play games against one another. We were glad to have been able to have had the time with my step-Son : )

Cory - posted on 07/19/2011

20

24

0

You might want to be more specific.. You are being rather vague w/ your question & it doesn't make much sense..

Maggie - posted on 07/19/2011

13

13

0

I think it is the responsibility of all adults involved in the child's life to work together like adults in order to give the child the best life possible. The only really important thing as far as parenting differences go is that the child should never be brought into the middle of it unless you really just want to screw your kid up emotionally.

Gabriela - posted on 07/18/2011

1

8

0

I am a SM and I've cared for my SD since she was 2yrs old and now shw is 16. She is a big part of my life and always will be. I've never let her call me mom but in certain situations she introduces me as mom or step-mom or she just won't correct them. I'm fine with that. She respects me and confides in me. We all have issues but the best interest in that kids life is always first and some parents just dont understand that. There are some evil SMs believe me I've heard some stories from my SD and she's happy we r not like that. BM drama is only stressfull on the kids and believe me they understand whats going on. As long as your kid is well taken care of you should b thankful your kids is well taken care of.

Renee - posted on 07/18/2011

2

24

0

I'm probably looking at this from a really different situations because my SS was 16 when I came into his and his fathers life, with a absentee mother who is guilt struck about his FAS. SS had some real adjustment issues because he was so used to it being just him and his Dad, but I think the baby brother took more adjustment. My SS doesn't call me Mom when he is talking to me but he does when he is talking to his baby brother, I really think he need a motherly touch. Alot of this all just depends on what the children need!!!

Erica - posted on 07/18/2011

22,931

8

53

I dont think the SM should have a say so in what goes on. I know she can be married to your ex and she may say " i think I should because we aremarried and make decisions together, " but in all reality thats just a way that she makes up what goes on. The GIRLFRIEND, within my bios is that he cant make up his mind, he'd be a lot nicer if she simply wasn't around, she tries to make things tough and write letters and think shes the main role, when in reality she going to look real ditzy here soon.:)
Im tired of the BD and his girl antics of treating my bio's. I love to put them on ignore because Im "above," them and their maturity. When its over your own biologicial children, she should NOT have a say so in what goes. she came "after ," the children and your relationship with your ex. she needs to respect that. if not, that shows alot about that person - trust me people see!

Tina - posted on 07/18/2011

4

7

0

I think the only time that the sm should have a say is at her house. Also no one should be playing the blame game, and the kids should not call her mom until they are old enough to decide to do that themselves. I grew up with a sm and she was great she never played the blame game and was always willing to help my mom out if she needed anything. I didn't start calling her mom til I hit the 8th grade and unless there is respect between all the parents all its going to do is hurt the kids. You don't have to like each other but you have to get along for the sake of the kids.

Maurice - posted on 07/18/2011

4

2

0

I know about helping to support the step -children and them living with you. I still dont think if they have a living more who at least is in their lives 50% of the time,that the step-mom is called MOM unless the step child just does it on their own. This should not be encouraged . IMO only

Pela - posted on 07/18/2011

1

13

0

I do think step moms have a right especially if the child is gonna b n the pic 50 % of the time. The only thing that should matter is the child..... my husbands BM is very immature and thinks that I shouldn't have a right or say n anything ...... eventho I help support there child so therefore I do belive step parents have just enough right as the bio parent.

Maurice - posted on 07/18/2011

4

2

0

No one has the right to expect another womans children to call them Mom! This goes for Dads ,too. If the bio Mom is totally out of the childrens lives then that is a different story. I have two grown stepdaughters and i would never have forced that issue,

[deleted account]

I have been doing a lot in gathering information concerning how to be a more effective Step Mother, and although I've been a SM for several years, with a lot of drama at this point in time - I felt it is best to find out what the best approach is to take as a SM.
I have found that a SM who tries to be more in control of arranging the visitations and such is looked more poorly upon in court. However, if you are a SM who has been actively involved since the child was a younger age, you have more say in the daily activities of your stepchild. I am going to be posting helpful suggestions for SMs and all parents really. I have even found helpful hints for resolving issues. So, be looking for them - will be on here and other communities as well.

Jessie - posted on 07/18/2011

333

36

7

I think it depends on the situation, I have a half brother and my mom is technically his SM but he calls her Mom and means it more than his BM. His BM has never really been a part of his life and never did the actual mom things. I'm sure she didn't like knowing my brother called my mother mom but it was what he wanted. Just because you gave birth to someone doesn't always mean you deserve the title. However, in situation where the Mom is an actual mom and there is a step mom the kids should still make that choice. It should always be about the kids.

Alisha - posted on 07/18/2011

736

10

40

Oh dear! No they should not have a say in those types of things, especially kids calling her mommy. You would need to have a very serious talk with her and tell her she is going too far. You will need to pick the main points that you are not going to tolerate because if she is trying to control everything, it will be hard to tell her to stop everything. Little requests at a time may help and tell her you want your families to be able to work together but you are the mother.

Hanny - posted on 07/18/2011

25

2

3

Moms are always the moms. Dads are always the dads. No question about it. Stepparents, on a daily basis, do a little more than just have opinions.....they take care of the children as well. I agree they do not have the ultimate say so in things, but respect is a good bases and so is love for your child. A child should not be forced to call a SM of SD mom or dad, however, a child is fully capable of coming up with a name him or herself. In some situations it's mom or dad. Sometimes first name added or whatever. That shouldn't be the issue. The issue is, does he/she take care of your child? With respect and love? Are you able to ignore your emotional turmoil and act in the child's best interest? Ofcourse there are many situations, many exceptions. I just feel that our own emotions, due to past experiences with our partner, cloud a sensible relationship with the stepparent. Games shouldn't be played when your child is involved. Period.

Kathy - posted on 07/18/2011

7

13

0

Mom is always the mom!!! She has the say in all aspects of her childrens lives. Yes Step-moms may have opinions but not the rights of mom. SM's normally aren't allowed to be called mom according to the courts, it's too confusing for the children. Mom and dad should make all decisions together and if they can't agree the court can appoint a guardian-ad-lidem for the childrens best interests, the ad-lidem's say is final!!

Hanny - posted on 07/18/2011

25

2

3

Most families nowadays are combined families and there's always a stepparent involved. I don't think we should be kicking the stepparent for doing things different with our kids. As long as there is love and respect involved, equality amongst the kids, we should be grateful for a stepparent who's trying their best. It wasn't his or her choice to bring up your child as well. So, in order to make it all a little easier, perhaps you as a BM shouldn't play games either and be a little more relaxed about things. In most cases it wasn't the stepmom who broke you guys up anyway. Should a stepmom have a say so in what goes on? Are your kids in her home? Does she have to take care of them? You see, it's not ok to expect her to be some nanny to your kids, in her own home, to expect she gives up things so she can take care of your children on the weekends or more. She is an unpaid addition and extension of your family. I am a BM, my husband is the stepparent of my oldest son and BD of my youngest. If he had no say so in my sons upbringing, it wouldn't work. That would be in my sons disadvantage, for sure. The ideal situation for your child is when you can all make agreements on how to set rules for your child together. It is important though to remember it doesn't all have to go your way in someone else's home...

Samantha - posted on 07/17/2011

10

17

0

My son calls my husband (wich is his SD) daddy because he's practically raised him. He's known him since he was just over a year. Neither of us forced him to do it he just chose to call him that. As for his BD HE HATES. Him calling him that but its what my son wants and my husband does the "daddy" drug with him. His BD just is more like a freind to him then a parent. My son also has a SM now and at first the BD tried making him call her mom but he didn't want to cause he didn't know her N it was a really difficult time for my son. He now understands that he has 2 daddies and its ok to call my husband what ever he wants wether it be by name or dad or daddy. I would have to say that it should be left up to the child and how comfortable they are with the SP.

Samantha - posted on 07/17/2011

10

17

0

My son calls my husband (wich is his SD) daddy because he's practically raised him. He's known him since he was just over a year. Neither of us forced him to do it he just chose to call him that. As for his BD HE HATES. Him calling him that but its what my son wants and my husband does the "daddy" drug with him. His BD just is more like a freind to him then a parent. My son also has a SM now and at first the BD tried making him call her mom but he didn't want to cause he didn't know her N it was a really difficult time for my son. He now understands that he has 2 daddies and its ok to call my husband what ever he wants wether it be by name or dad or daddy. I would have to say that it should be left up to the child and how comfortable they are with the SP.

Terralyn - posted on 07/17/2011

68

39

4

one thing i'd like to add to this discussion is I am both a mom and a sm and my current husbands ex thinks all kinds of crap about me because my ss is a moody teen ager who tells his mom lies about me all the time, he makes up stories and tell his mom i said or did things i would never dream of so while you are blaming step moms please consider sometimes that the blame comes from kids who want their parents back together and resent the step parent so they make up things to drive the wedge and force the step parent out. i never even met my hubby until a few years after his marriage breakup and yet the kid is blaming me for keeping his parents apart. mom is in a new relationship as well but he doesn't seem to be blaming mom's gf for the breakup. I am so tired of sm bashing pleased remember we are people too with real feelings for the wonderful kids we have the chance to help coparent and believe me i don't ever try and take the placed of mom or encourage his kids to call me mom but i won't be treated like a friend because if that happens i loose the respect of my own kids and i have no control in my own house.

Mary - posted on 07/17/2011

3

23

0

Im a step mom and my kids call me mom. I know it ticks off their mom, but it was the kids decision. My husband has full custody and they are with us full time. She has visitations, but rarely picks them up and then comes up with excuses to bring them back. They cry when they have to go with her. She chooses her boyfriends and bars over them and they know it. Not because we told them, but because she does it right in front of them. I am the one that takes them to the doctor, that takes them to school, that comforts them, that disciplines them, that feeds them, that clothes them, that helps them with their homework, etc. She doesn't even know what clothes they wear, what their teachers names are, what they like to play, or even what grade their in. All i have done is love their father and take care of them as if they were my own, because they deserve to have female figure in their life who isn't going to lie to them or treat them like they are a burden. I'm not saying all bio moms are like that cause they are not. I know that their are some great ones out their who are doing the very best they can and doing great at it, but when discussing this, you have to look at all the individual situations and come to a conclusion based on each incident, you can't group them into on big bunch and pick a side. Every case is different.

Mary - posted on 07/17/2011

3

23

0

Im a step mom and my kids call me mom. I know it ticks off their mom, but it was the kids decision. My husband has full custody and they are with us full time. She has visitations, but rarely picks them up and then comes up with excuses to bring them back. They cry when they have to go with her. She chooses her boyfriends and bars over them and they know it. Not because we told them, but because she does it right in front of them. I am the one that takes them to the doctor, that takes them to school, that comforts them, that disciplines them, that feeds them, that clothes them, that helps them with their homework, etc. She doesn't even know what clothes they wear, what their teachers names are, what they like to play, or even what grade their in. All i have done is love their father and take care of them as if they were my own, because they deserve to have female figure in their life who isn't going to lie to them or treat them like they are a burden. I'm not saying all bio moms are like that cause they are not. I know that their are some great ones out their who are doing the very best they can and doing great at it, but when discussing this, you have to look at all the individual situations and come to a conclusion based on each incident, you can't group them into on big bunch and pick a side. Every case is different.

Mary - posted on 07/17/2011

3

23

0

Im a step mom and my kids call me mom. I know it ticks off their mom, but it was the kids decision. My husband has full custody and they are with us full time. She has visitations, but rarely picks them up and then comes up with excuses to bring them back. They cry when they have to go with her. She chooses her boyfriends and bars over them and they know it. Not because we told them, but because she does it right in front of them. I am the one that takes them to the doctor, that takes them to school, that comforts them, that disciplines them, that feeds them, that clothes them, that helps them with their homework, etc. She doesn't even know what clothes they wear, what their teachers names are, what they like to play, or even what grade their in. All i have done is love their father and take care of them as if they were my own, because they deserve to have female figure in their life who isn't going to lie to them or treat them like they are a burden. I'm not saying all bio moms are like that cause they are not. I know that their are some great ones out their who are doing the very best they can and doing great at it, but when discussing this, you have to look at all the individual situations and come to a conclusion based on each incident, you can't group them into on big bunch and pick a side. Every case is different.

Paula - posted on 07/16/2011

4

4

1

That's is a Beuat question .
They will have an abut stop.
It is usually about how great you are you doing
P

Marcy - posted on 07/16/2011

5

21

0

When they live with us full time and neither bio parent is overly interested in parenting that is when we become more than a sitter. When we change the peed on bed sheets at 4:00 a.m. while the bio dad sleeps blissfully, or take them to every doctor or dental visit because it would not otherwise get done. When your step child chooses to come to you before either of their of their bio parents because of the close bond you have, you are definitely more than a babysitter or daycare worker.

Paula - posted on 07/16/2011

4

4

1

Oh I hear you, but as a bm it isn't easy to plY the game half way when there is a suicide close to a child. I was on may way back from Vanuatu, and passing the gates of the school when I found out that my sons best mate had hung himself. Thoughts ran through my mind and try haven't stopped since that day even thiough my son tells me he is fine and loving life.
His sm and birth father said he was cashing in on his deathwhenhe didn't
Get his usual grades. It shattered him and He struggles with the fact they said it. He is 20. Lesson - think before you speak as parents ect..

Christy - posted on 07/15/2011

2

0

0

here what i think it alot for you child to call some mommy my child did that and ask some one els about becouse some time you just dont know what to think in you mind that word is yours but that person tould me it just a word nothing more and the child just want to be love by you it hard i know but just love the kids and let them you dont like but love them and you are all ways going to be thir for them

Christy - posted on 07/15/2011

2

0

0

here what i think it alot for you child to call some mommy my child did that and ask some one els about becouse some time you just dont know what to think in you mind that word is yours but that person tould me it just a word nothing more and the child just want to be love by you it hard i know but just love the kids and let them you dont like but love them and you are all ways going to be thir for them

Christina - posted on 07/14/2011

1,513

28

142

How is a step-parent making parenting decisions all that different from a babysitter making decisions and disciplining when a child is in day-care full time?
How many stepmoms take care of their stepchildren full time when they have them? If a child is in my house, stepchild or a friend's kid, I will discipline them and be motherly to them no matter what!!! You can't turn the mom card off when you are a mom.
Step-parents are apart of the child's life. While the final decisions are up to the biological parent, a step-parent does have the right to give input. However, the stepparents need to be respectful to the bio parents and not over ride rules already in place.

Punzelina - posted on 07/14/2011

30

15

0

I think it is very sad to see all of the animosity between Birth Moms and Step Moms. The children ought to be number one priority and stability the number one goal for their sakes. My son started calling me mom when his Birth Mom got upset when he slipped and called her by my NAME! So, in order to alleviate the situation with her, he asked if he could call me "mom", so that he wouldn't get confused, he would call us both the same thing - her actions initially drove him to calling me mom. He also at the same time acknowledged my role as his mom and that it wasn't out of place to call me, "mom". He was 14 at the time. Then when she found out he was calling me "mom" she got mad at him again! outrageous. Because of HER insecurities, her son has to walk on egg shells. You would think that any parent would have the emotional welfare of the child at the TOP of the priority list and not the bottom. Maybe she wouldn't be so insecure if she had made better choices with her son. If she had his welfare at heart to begin with, she would still be with her son full time and calling another person "mom" wouldn't be an issue.

It's time to put insecurities and animosity to rest and let the child enjoy the life they have - such as it is!

Kirsten - posted on 07/13/2011

50

18

0

I don't know why a SM would want the drama of control and blame games. I am a SM- been there, done that, still in it, and it goes no where. You can't change or control people and blame games backfire and go nowhere. As for calling a SM "mom", that depends on the child. My SS calls me by my name, but when a child feels closer to a stepparent than a bio parent, it shouldn't be held against the child if they choose to call a stepparent mom or dad. With that being said, it should be up to the child, not forced.

I think that stepparents have a right to help raise the children they are involved with. Just because a SP didn't help make the child doesn't mean they should waive all responsibility to the child as a parent; stepparent is still parent. All adults involved need to work together for the good of the child- fun times AND discipline. I believe it is a disservice to the child to not insert yourself in raising them if you are a stepparent.

[deleted account]

Unfortunately, it is hard to control things with the SM. My son's SM, taught him at a young age to call me 'Mommy Lisa'! It never stuck, but my son had to go through a lot of turmoil. Personally, I ignored everything and straightened it out with my son when he came back home. It went so far with control, that they fought for full custody and lost. The clincher is that we never heard from them again (its been over 4 years now)! Keep your cool, do not add fuel to her fire, and never say good or bad about her. Let your kids find out for themselves, as it works out well in the long run. Good luck...

Jen - posted on 07/13/2011

30

0

2

I think SM needs to realize that the kids already have a MOM.. and although she can be an adult figure in their lives, SM should not be going over Mom's (or Dad's) head for ANYTHING... my husband is a SF to my two older children (we have one together).. and he is fabulous to them.. he is definately a father figure.. and he's been with them since 1.5 and 3 (now 9 and 10) - and they still call him by his first name.. but have asked if they can call him Daddy... it was THEIR choice (mainly because their little brother calls him Daddy) but SM MAKES them call her Mom and it drives them nuts...I think SM's/SD's can be part of the kids lives without overstepping their boundries.

Pamela - posted on 07/13/2011

711

9

6

A woman who acts in the manner you have described is obviously INSECURE and needs to be recognized for her skills and abilities as a parent.....whether you think she deserves it or not. Your contact as the birth mother should be to be able to accept her role as vital in the children's world and to support her by giving recognition where it is due. Step mothers have a role in the life of the children of the spouse, they should recognize it and not over-step the boundaries that the Creator gives to the birth mother.

Leah - posted on 07/13/2011

5

36

1

Parenting is a team effort, its hard on a child when parents (step or not) disagree. Im not a step mom, but I have kids of my own (once divorced as well) I belive that you should come together as adults and work out what works for the child needs or intrest. As for kids calling her mommy, it should be up to the child (if the child is comfortable or not). I know my oldest son was pretty excited to have two daddies in his life.

Marcy - posted on 07/13/2011

5

21

0

That is a lot to answer in one question but I am going to guess insecurity on her part. I have been a custodial SM for 7 years and my son has had a non-custodial SM for one year and I have found that the key is not to make it about her or me but about our children. When EVERYONE (key work) steps back and shifts focus on the child(ren) perspectives become more clear and it is easier to be on the same page.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms