Debbine - posted on 06/08/2013 ( 8 moms have responded )
I have five year old cousin (June 12), whose paternal family wants to throw her a birthday party without first consulting her mother and allowing her mother to give her a party first. The two families cannot work together.
A little history would be helpful. My cousin "A" has a daughter with "J". For a long time they did not get along. For every argument they had his family became involved. Even to the point where his father was downright rude towards her. I believe I'm a fair minded person (recent years) and has informed her if I felt she has spoken out of terms or did something spiteful. The past two months, the have been chummy. However his family is not. The paternal grandmother feels she has the right to see the child every weekend. Court documents from another incident stipulate every other weekend. However, the child does go every weekend. She has also visited several elementary schools to register her because she keeps asking us can she keep the child. We keep telling her no, but she keeps asking.
Since June 12 is a weekday, we deiced to do something on the weekend to celebrate her turning five. "A" spoke to "J" and informed him of her plans to throw a party. "J" does not communicate with his family and thus they did not know of our plans so they planned a party at the same location we had planned on the same day. "A" tried to explain to the grandmother that she should have spoken with her first about making party plans. The grandmother said she does not need to consult with her about anything. As long as the child is with her on the weekends she can do anything she wants to do. Which I disagree with. Since the grandmother does all the talking and fussing with "A", I speak up for her also.
I told the grandmother when it comes to special events the mother should always be informed. Why would you plan a party and not inform her mother. This happened last year also. The paternal aunt asked me to make the cake, but never formally invited us. The night before the party she called and said by the way you can come to the party. There was a big blow up last night between the grandmother, the paternal aunt and the mother. I heard the disrespect towards her and took the phone. I felt since the mother and grandmother were speaking it was ok until the aunt got involved. When the aunt started in, I took the phone.
I tried explaining that as a mother, you want to know what is going on with your child at all times no matter who they are with. I told her you wouldn't want your child ears pierced by someone else without first giving permission, you don't want your child taken out of state without permission, nor do you want someone to plan a party for your child without first consulting you. They didn't see it this way. They feel as long as the child is with them; they can do whatever they want. I told them they need to show "A" respect as the mother. As I spoke with the maternal grandmother she told me she does not need to any show “A” respect or does she need to inform her of anything.
If you noticed I have not mentioned the father "J" too often. Most often his parents pick up the child. He works on the weekends and odd hours and leaves his daughter with his family to do as they please. They both responded to my examples by saying if I go to McDonald’s I need to tell her mother? I never go out of state, or I'm supposed to tell you I'm taking her to church? I was truly annoyed. I don't know if it was a language barrier, we're African-Americans and they're Haitian.
I want to know should the other side of the family, in this case the paternal side, inform the mother of plans they have for the child? I don't think a trip to McDonald's or church warrant such a call, but if you plan to pierce her ears, throw a party, take her out of state, stay overnight besides home, cut her hair, blow it out which we don't (had that discussion), etc. The mother should be informed. "A" had to call the aunt when the father told her they were taking her to get her hair done for a family gathering. The aunt had planned to get it blow it out and press it. Her hair is naturally curly and when you press it, it takes weeks for the curls to come back. We saw how long it took to curl up after the aunt pressed it when she was younger.
Any comments? We really need help.