Should we make the kids visit there mom if they dont want to go and she doesnt really want to see them?

Shaye - posted on 07/06/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )

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So here is my situation. I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now. Living together and raising our gaggle of children together. we are a blended family. I have a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship and he has two boys 7yrs and 5 yrs from a previous relationship.
A little backstory on my ex. we were together for 4 years we got married on our 1 year annivarsary and we had our daughter a year after we were married. during our last year together my ex was always acting weird. getting pissed off at me for no reason... kept accusing me of cheating... he would pick a fight with me and leave us for days at a time... then he would come home and beg me to forgive him.I didnt want to be with him anymore because of all this but was in a pattern i didnt know how to get out of it.....one day he was convinced i was cheating on him and when i came home from work he was gone....me and my daughter moved in with my grandparents and we both stayed there for a long time.. a few months later my brother is telling me how my ex was sleeping at his house... my brother told me he was going to be checking him into rehab. apparently all is odd behavior was due the fact he on crystal meth. i was naive and didnt know what the signs were. but i took our daughter to visit him at the rehab place with my brother there of course and i felt so uncomfortable with all the creepy looking men there i told him i would not be bringing her back.. after he was done with rehab he moved in with my brother and packed a bag one weekend and told my bro that he would be back on monday and that was 7 years ago... he ran away and we have not heard from him since. good ridence i say. my daughter doesnt even really remember him. so he didnt cause any permanent damage.

Now my boyfriends Ex....from the day i met him we have never been able to date since he always had his kids with him. there mother would call cause a fight with him and cancel her time and according to the divorce decree she is supposed to have them every other weekend, every other holiday and 2 weeks out of the summer. she moved out of state for a long time and the entire time she was gone she only called to ask about the boys twice... in 7 months. when she moves back she only wants to see them one at a time... we told her no. both of them or not at all... she gets pissed off all the time because i make there father put there needs first. he would always give in to her just to avoid the fight.shes 26 and im 34 and she has called and left inapropriate messages ... telling me that im forcing him to do all the shit cuz i dont want to sit at home with my kids and i want to go out and party and cant cuz im with the kids and stupid stuff all the time.
She does not take them when she is supposed to... she doesnt pay child support. she doesnt support them in any way. the 5 year old starts crying when he finds out he has to go over there... he told his dad one day " i dont want to go to my moms" his dad asked why and he replied " she dont need me anymore" hmm her boyfriend is a big factor to her not wanting her kids... its always he cant do this and cant do that..im fed up. she left a threating message towards me on christmas and we called the police and they came to listen to it but the woman officer didnt listen to it and stood in my home and looked at me like ti was all my fault. i dont knwo what to do anymore. the problems they have is because of her flaking behavior. the thereapist told us that...but more proffessionaly lol... should he have to make them go see her if they dont want to go and she doesnt really want them?

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Kelina - posted on 07/06/2012

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From a legal perspective-yes he has to make them unless he wants to go back to court. From the perspective of a mother-no. If her kids can tell she doesn't want them, then forcing them to go will not be doing them any favors. However, the legal perspective is the one that matters unfortunately. If he tries to with hold visitation and she feels like being a bitch she can go back to court and whine about it and possibly get even more time with them. And at 7 and 5 their opinions probably won't be taken into account unless you ask for the court to appoint them someone to speak for them which might come out of your pocket. Personally that owuld be my decision, to go back to court before she took you guys to court but that's me.

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Verdine - posted on 07/08/2012

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I don't have much advice since I'm not aware of the legalities. But while you're looking for an answer it might be good to keep record of all her calls and visitations with the boys (if you don't already have that is). For example:

When it's her turn to have the boys have her pick them up from your nearby police station and ask an officer to sign off on the time and date she's picked them and dropped them off. And if she doesn't pick them within the hour or so, have the officer sign off that she didn't show up. Maybe also keep a record on dates and times she phones too.

Doing this might also make her want to stick with the program which would make the boys happier with regular visits or she would just keep doing the same thing and missing dates in which case you'll have records of if it should ever go to court.

Wish I could be of more help. All the best with your family!

Shaye - posted on 07/06/2012

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id like to add that we have taken the boys to a psychologist... and she said there seems to be signs of neglect, and abuse from there prolonged time spend with there mother while there father was deployed in iraq. he told me when he came home his oldest son could change his own diapers...after being witness to the way she is now.... i dont doubt he was telling the truth. shes young and wants to have fun. and see her kids when she feels like it... but she wants us to do everything... drop them off, pick them up. she doesnt pay child support or support them in any way. she needs chaparoned visitation with them. im sick of my boys hurting and being let down buy there childish mother.

Shaye - posted on 07/06/2012

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i know and i try to make him do the right thing. but she only wants them when its convient for her. she has no idea what is going on in there lives. she never calls to check on them only to fight with there father... she is incapable of keeping it civil. i have been called every name in the book by this little girl. which is pretty ballsy considering im the one raising these boys. dealing with the school, dealing with the 5 year old violence and temper tantrums. she doesnt even knwo that name of the 7 year old kindergarden teacher... she didnt even come to his graduation... she is unfit. she has a total of 5 kids and the only two that live with her are the ones she had with her current boyfriend. on lives with her mother and these boys live with us. she never went the the parenting class she was ordered to go to after the divorce. he needs to take her back to court. im just sick of the non consistancy of her parenting. be consistant or stay away. my ex has been gone for almost 7 years and i must say its nice. i would never have trusted him to go off with our daughter after he ran out on us... i always had that fear he might run off with her. im just sick of the drama.

Jodi - posted on 07/06/2012

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So he has been to court in the past and has court orders for her visitation? If that's the case, then you have to follow them or risk being in contempt.

Shaye - posted on 07/06/2012

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Thats the thing... neither party can afford court.... he wants to go back to court.we just cant afford it... and she has to finish her domestic violence classes. shes a piece of work.

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