Single dad who has majority custody w/anger problem towards mother

BobbyDiggy - posted on 04/02/2017 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I am a single dad with majority custody and receive no child support.

I want to keep this brief but my child's mother hated not only me but also our child. She used to wish we would go off and die and constantly wished that he wasn't born.

Eventually, she told me that if I didn't leave with our son... she would call the cops and fake a domestic violence report to ensure i would never see our son again with the plan of shipping our child to be raise by her family in the opposite side of the country.

So we left. No clothes, shelter, transportation... you name it. One point moving house to house.

She went ahead and became a party rat. She fought child support to nearly nothing to the point that I dropped it all together and she even took our child off her insurance. Her excuse to the courts was that she was accepted into a master program and couldn't work anymore when the reality was that she just wanted the money to party with.

It has been many years since and now I am super successful not only in my career but also as a parent. She has never apologized but instead flips the script as paints me as this horrible abusive person.

She said this because I don' show her any respect anymore AFTER THE FACT. I can't respect her. To ask me to respect someone who directly told me that they wished our child was never born, use to refuse on watching him, told our child that she hated him when he was just a toddler.... it still feels like it was yesterday.

She has never apologized, never openly admitted to court. She shows no face.

Now she is demanding that I show her respect or she will take me to court and get me punished by a judge.

I don't know what to do here. I am lost.

I am thinking of enrolling in some anger management courses. Is this a good idea?

I already have a feeling that she is doing this to essentially erase all the great things I have accomplished for myself and for my child because I treat her like the deadbeat mom that she is BUT I know a judge will side with her. I never threatened her, never once hit or anything like that... I just treat her like how all dead beat parents should be treated.

Any input would be great. Thanks.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Dove - posted on 04/03/2017

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Why are you still going to court? Is she trying to amend the custody/visitation order... or are you? I get your frustration, but you seriously need to just let it go. Let her do or don't do whatever she is going to do and just focus on taking care of yourself and your son. It does not matter what she does or how you feel... how you treat her says a lot more about your character than it does her. Be civil and as brief as possible... then blow off steam w/ a trusted friend. You treating her like crap does not change her... and if your son witnesses it it could cause him permanent damage to his future relationships.

Believe me... I get that it is frustrating. I've been dealing w/ this life for 9 years... but holding on to your anger and resentment and treating her poorly... only hurts you and your son. You need to love your son more than you hate his mother. If you can not do that... quit making excuses and seek counseling. Period.

Michelle - posted on 04/03/2017

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I agree with Dove.
You do need to be civil towards her for the sake of your child, it doesn't mean that you condone what she has done.
I would also seek counseling to help you deal with your outbursts. You can't change what has happened so stop dwelling on it and move on for your child. He's the one that needs you most and you should be setting a good example for him.

Dove - posted on 04/03/2017

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You don't have to actually respect someone to behave civilly towards them. How is she wanting you to respect her? Does she have and take visitations w/ the child? Why do you actually have to have much interaction w/ her at all? If you can not behave in a civilized manner towards her on the occasions that interaction is necessary... yes, seek counseling. I do not like, trust, or respect my ex one teeny, tiny little bit (for MANY good reasons), but on the rare occasions that he actually attempts to see the kids I am completely civil, get the transfer done, and that's it. I have no reason to deal w/ him or interact w/ him except to sort details of visitations. I rant and rave in private to my friends... and am decent and brief w/ him.

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BobbyDiggy - posted on 04/03/2017

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This is a fundamental problem that I face multiple times. "You need to set and example for you son," and I am. I have been a single dad with majority custody since I was 27 and the mom has been throwing every excuse out there to avoid her responsibilities yet its me who has to "set the example."

I have zero tolerance towards deadbeats. No "deadbeat" likes to be called a deadbeat and when they are called that... I am the one who gets in trouble?

This kills me in court as I feel i have to be 100% perfect while the mother can pretty much do and say anything she wants to me and she is given nothing but chances.

BobbyDiggy - posted on 04/02/2017

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I have no desire to seek child support. I know for a fact that she underestimated her income by almost 50k. Even hearing that, I get super pissed BUT I think its best to not seek it.

When I tried and was denied, I lashed out in court in a verbal rant against her and the judge (judge too stupid to see that she was making up nothing but excuses).

I am actually a great, loving and caring person... but court brings out a lot of anger out of me. I just don't want to deal with that.

BobbyDiggy - posted on 04/02/2017

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I am worried that she is going to mess up everything I built for me and my son.

I try to sit down and ask myself if I can be cordial with her and I cannot. I am not just like that to her....If your a deadbeat mom or dad... I show little respect for you because I have been in a harder position and was still with my child all the way. No excuses from me on why I couldn't be a dad and for me to "respect" someone who was the opposite... its going against what I stand for and causing deep conflict within me.

I cannot seek child support. I am fine without it.

Ev - posted on 04/02/2017

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You really need to get her for back child support and set up for child support for the rest of the time your child is under 18 years old.

Also, her threats of taking you to court for not respecting her are rubbish at best but that does not mean she will not try to do that. The proof that you were unfit would fall on her. The judge would see that you have had the child all this time and have had custody and done everything for this child and she would have to prove what she has done. Did you record or document when she contacted you and what was said on the occasions she did? It would show the judge a pattern of her behavior if you did. I think a judge would find it hard to change custody at this point but I can not say for sure that they would not change it up any. But that child support needs to be put on her. She is responsible even if she decided not to parent.

Sarah - posted on 04/02/2017

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First, how can she erase that she has not parented nor supported her child for years? Second, how can she erase that you have gone from nothing to successful while parenting alone? Why presume a judge would side with her simply because she is the mother? What do you mean by "Now she is demanding that I show her respect or she will take me to court and get me punished by a judge."? What do you think a judge is going to do and what sort of respect does she want from you. Millions of divorce parents don't respect each other.
Unless you have actively prevented her from seeing her child, what are you concerned about? Contact a lawyer, file for sole legal/physical custody and let her pursue visitation thru a mediator.

BobbyDiggy - posted on 04/02/2017

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Yes. She willingly gave up our child in exchange that i would seek no support from her in any form.

My anger comes when she asks about how our child is doing. The simplest inquiries brings so much anger out of me.

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