Single mom, 2 daughters, a fiance and a biological father who was mia and now wants back in their lives.

Tonya - posted on 02/28/2015 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I have a situation that I am sure isn't unique but i desperately need help. my fiance and I have dated for 2 yrs. when we started dating i told him that i had 2 daughters and that their father was in their lives up until 2007 and seems to try to inject himself into their lives every several years. Now when my children were younger i made the decision that he was not fit or reliable for me to trust my children with him. He owes 80k in support also. My fiance new all of this even mentioning oh its just a matter of time and he will be back around trying to get in their lives again. in the 2 yrs my fiance and i have been together, we have had several fights in the privacy in of our room but he got loud and my daughters heard. He apologized and was told this was not acceptable. He acknowledged that and said no more. However, some situation would always seem to come up where he would show his behind where it wasn't private. That was it, my daughters were uncomfortable with him and I had to break it off. After talking through email my fiance said I want to apologize to your daughters and explain to them that i have had some serious health issues that cause me to overreact. I thought well I have health issues too but I don't do that in front of them or around them.
then sometimes he says well my parents fought all the time and im fine and you said that your and their daddy have fought in the past. They forgave him why can't they forgive me?
Bad timing bc just as this split happened, mt daughters father contacted them after 2 years of zero contact and wants to be in their life and they are fine with it. It makes me mad that they are so fine with it but it is not about me. I have to support them right? I am thinking i know he is going to let them down but my daughters are 15 and 12.
I love my ex fiance very much but my daughters have to come first thats why he had to leave.
now that he found out their dad wants to be a part of their life he says that he feels betrayed by all of us and it is unacceptable and i should not allow them to see him after all he has done. If i do that then I feel like that would be wrong. They should be allowed to make their own decision. My fiance says no. he says u don't know anything about him and I would never allow my child to have anything to do with him.
So ultimately, He says tonight to me "you and i are split but still talking and he sneaks back into their lives laughing about causing this rift bc all he cares about is you" I said i have to support their decision and if he hurts them i would hate that but I have to let them decide. so this is what he says, u should tell ur daughters people in love fight and it happens and if they forgave their dad they can forgive me. I will apologize and I need to be there in that house and if you can't do that then we are done for good. my thought is no it isn't ok for you to repeat that type of behavior, my daughters have told me they are uncomfortable around him now because of it as a mother I have to respect that my kids don't feel comfortable with him in the house. He says no they shouldn't be able to decide everything, u need to tell them we are going to be married and we just have to work it out and they shouldn't be allowed to see their dad.
sure seems like a lot of his terms but he insists that I am wrong and if i loved him i would understand and that the fights are not a big deal but they sure seem to be a big deal to them and me. Just looking for others perspective and advice.
thanks

8 Comments

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Raye - posted on 03/03/2015

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I have to agree with Rebecca. The children do have a right to get to know their natural father. Any man who is too jealous or insecure to let that happen, in addition to the angry outbursts, is not worth your time and effort. He is trying to control and manipulate you. You sound like a strong woman. You're doing the right things. Stay strong and believe in yourself.

Rebecca - posted on 02/28/2015

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I have total respect for you. This medium is a good sounding board but you are a smart woman and it sounds like you have all the right priorities. He sounds like a loser. I get that you can feel lonely but you'll feel more lonely trapped in a marriage or relationship with a half-wit like him. You definitely don't want to bring any man into your life that has anger issues. Don't try to counsel him either. You're not here to fix his issues, you have a life to live and keep toxic behaviour like that away from your home. It sounds like you and your girls are a great team. :)

Tonya - posted on 02/28/2015

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Thank you for your advice. I have always been independent and taken care of my daughters without any help. we own our home they do good in school and i want to be a good role model. but you i feel like you don't just tell your kids hey we are going to get married and we really arent going to bother with ur feelings sounds selfish to me. But he says i give them too much power but i don't think being a dictator is helpful at all. I grew up in that and it beats you down and keeps you quiet. I know that we are all human and make mistakes but i feel that if he had stopped acting out and screaming when he got angry we wouldn't be in this situation at all. I feel like he acts like a child wanting his way and when it isn't exactly the way he wants it, he throws a tantrum and i ended that. I won't do that and I don't want my daughters to think that is ok either. Thank you

Rebecca - posted on 02/28/2015

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Oh and another point - any man that says in your words " you threw it all away and now ur going to end up here alone in a state with no opportunites"...LOSER!!!! These guys have a mental age of about 10 and they only know how to have a relationship with women by slowly beating them down and ruining their self-esteem so they can control them. YOU DO NOT NEED THIS. ANY man that tries to put you down is not a real man. Like I said before...walk away.

Rebecca - posted on 02/28/2015

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You don't need ANY man telling you what to do. I'm a little bit into "girlpower" but who needs this crap? No woman should have such low self-esteem that they have a man dictating how they should feel, what they should do. I think a bit of alone time away from these men would do you the world of good. Work on building your self-esteem, not getting drawn into idiotic conversations with this guy. With regard to your ex, be really level-headed about this and really decide if he is the right influence around your girls. If he's working and contributing to society, doesn't swear or drink around them and is supportive and encouraging them to thrive then yes, he's a good dad to have in their lives. If he can't even get his own life together then you might have to think twice not only about his influence but also safety. It's just about you doing the best you can to protect them and not expose them to it all. Right now, focus only on work and their education and future and you cannot go wrong. Talk to them about how they can achieve their goals, not about deadbeat men. Whatever you do now can dramatically change their own self-esteem as well as they are looking to you to be their role model. They want to see a strong and self sufficient mum who doesn't even have men like their on her radar. Walk away. :)

Tonya - posted on 02/28/2015

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well thank you because we had originally planned to move to another state and now he says you threw it all away and now ur going to end up here alone in a state with no opportunites. He says we had a plan and now your ur daughters are going to want to see their dad and they will not want to move and neither will you and I am going. Well I feel that if he had not acted the way that he did then we probably wouldn't be in a situation where my daughters feel uncomfortable anyway but of course he makes me feel like im wrong bc he says you should not let them see their dad, tell them you love me and we are going to just have to work it out because we're a family and thats it. In other words tell them i love him and thats it so deal with it oh and u are forbidden to have a relationship with ur father either.

Tonya - posted on 02/28/2015

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no i meant that he showed his behind meaning that he acted out screaming and got angry

Rebecca - posted on 02/28/2015

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It sounds like you're a very good mum and your focus is on your daughters, their welfare and mental health. You wrote that your daughters saw your fiance's behind where it wasn't private? You mean they saw him naked? It sounds like you did the right thing ending the relationship. Primarily you don't want to subject your daughters to any situation where they would feel uncomfortable and if you're arguing with this guy regularly anyway then you're better off alone. The single world is really dangerous as you just don't know who the predators are. Unfortunately predators can be hanging around a single lady with prepubescent and pubescent children for a reason. Regardless, particularly as your daughters are 15 and 12, these are really formative years and the most important thing is they are in a safe, calm environment at home with you where they can focus on their education and not be exposed to domestic problems at home. Each generation should learn from mistakes made in the previous generation and change the cycle. They will thank you for it down the line when they go to university because they had a stable home growing up. Get rid of the dodgy men and focus on your beautiful family unit and you'll be one happy lady. :)

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