Amalie - posted on 07/01/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )
I'm 36 and have struggled for 18 years to raise my two children. There have been moments of joy but everything has mostly been overshadowed by fear, stress, anxiety,affairs, separation and financial struggle. My oldest who will be 19 in July had a baby in January. CPS took the baby from her and asked if I would keep her or she was going to foster care. In the moment, I said I would take her. She is now 6 months old and even though I love her to pieces, I feel the stress of raising a child alone-again, proving to be too much. My youngest is 14 and I was just gaining a sense of who I really am. Truth be told (although I was a good mom) I never enjoyed being a mother. After the devastating break up of my 15 year relationship - I was just learning to cope. I was finally taking care of myself and had lost 60 pounds, felt at one with being alone, my career was taking off and my self esteem increasing daily. I was active and beginning to enjoy my life away from being a trapped isolated mother. I became a fun and happy mother to my 14 year old and saw some real changes in her too. In a moment back in January - I lost it all. I have put the weight back on, my self esteem has dropped, my finances are in disarray and all I want to do is sleep and cry. I knew after a month of having my granddaughter that I was heading back to old patterns and falling apart but the ungodly amount of pressure from my family members to keep this baby in the family made me preservere and not let her fall into the system. I love this little girl to death but I know I am not what's best for her. I just barely survived raising my own kids and in fact feel like I have failed my oldest. There are options and I consider them daily but my own mother says she will disown me if I do not raise this baby. Foster care is the only option as my daughter will not sign off on the child yet won't own up to her either. No one understands. "Walk a mile in my shoes before you pass judgement" is how I feel. I understand that some people could take this on and be just fine but I know myself and I know that I will love this baby to the detriment of everything in my own life and possibly to the detriment of my youngest child. I am still too heartbroken over the loss of my first family unit - how do I embark on starting all over alone right from go. I am unfocused, scattered and severely depressed. I just snapped out of this state. I am in a lose/lose situation. If I hand this baby over, I might never be able to live with the guilt but if I keep her, I know I won't function the way I know I can. I need unbiased words and advice. Please help me.