Single Mom -- 50/50 Custody

Mommy - posted on 04/17/2015 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I am currently going through a custody battle with the ex boyfriend who is basically taking his anger and frustration out on me because I left him. He since had to move in with a relative, is currently unemployed and has been for about a year now and does not have his own transportation. I dont say all this to slander or put him down, but it basically shows WHY he's trying to make things harder for me because he blames me for the situation he is currently in. He knows that the only way he can hurt me is through our soon-to-be one year old child. I am just needing some type of encouragement on how to deal with the not having her on a regular basis and possibly going a whole week without having my child whom I've never went a day without since birth & have been exclusively breastfeeding since birth. Does it get easier? How do you deal?

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Trisha - posted on 04/17/2015

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Full disclosure: Never been in your situation, but looking from an objective perspective maybe you should try to look at it not from a "he is trying to get back at me" situation, even if that is the truth.

Try to embrace the situation and encourage a relationship between the two. Take the time that he has the child to explore your own interests again.

Why? Well because if he is the father, he is going to end up getting the 50/50 custody anyways, and there is no point railing against it. And, if you are correct, and he is strictly doing it to hurt you, then if he sees that it is not adversely affecting you, he will show less interest in it.

You need to be prepared though - he could just be doing it because he wants to get to know his son.

Look into co-parenting and start having real adult conversations with your ex to try to make that process work for everyone.

Ev - posted on 04/17/2015

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I have to agree with Jodi. Life is not a bed of roses or a bowl full of cherries. We have to take what comes our way and deal with it. I have seen similar posts such as this where the mom thinks the father does not know how to deal with the child or how to take care of the child, thinks he is no good, is making her life full of heck, and so many other things that the mother's think of the father. And to point it clearly, all we hear are the mother's story on here and not the side of the father. Usually its how mom feels that is the most problem. As some have said, if he was good enough to be with and this child was created, what makes him so bad now regardless of where he lives, works or not, and so on. He at some point is going to see that he needs a job to be able to take care of his child when with him or his family is going to pay for it all. He will learn from his end of things having to care for a child is not all that its cracked up to be. Looking like a good parent and being a good one are two different things. As to being without kids around, I can definitely understand where you are coming from as I had to agree to a choice I did not want to make with letting the kids go with their dad. It was either that or face an unspecified number of trips to court for custody and I also could not put my kids through that mess. Kids need both parents if at all possible regardless of how mom and dad feel about each other.

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Ev - posted on 04/17/2015

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It was a hard choice to make but children are humans too and need to feel secure, safe, and have a peace of mind. And that choice was not my first one but it was the only one at the time. Their father had resources to fight custody and so on. I did not get as much time as I wanted but I made due with what I had and I made it as quality as I could. I missed out on a lot of things small and large just being at home with them. But I made my own big and small things to have memories of. But you have to understand that even if there was abuse towards you only it might not have any affect on his time with the child. My ex was not a great person when he decided to fight me for custody because he did not want to pay support either. He actually got to the point of hating me.

I have a close relationship with my kids.

Mommy - posted on 04/17/2015

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I have started feeling like you as far as not putting my child through a custody battle and allowing this to just be settled even for full custody. Was that a hard decision for you to make? Do you see your child/children often?

Mommy - posted on 04/17/2015

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You are 100% correct. Regardless of his current status, if he wants to be an intrical part of his childs life I shouldn't be opposed to it. Which i'm not, its just the amount of time that I will lose out on in her life but regardless I am the Mother and he is the Father and we both deserve to share an equal part in her life. The reason I feel he is doing so to get back at me is because of his current situation and as he plainly stated, he DOES NOT want to pay child support. Yes he was good enough to have had a relationship with at one point in time but when the physical abuse started I had to get out despite his many attempts to discourage me from leaving based on what he would do as far as custody of our child. I wish so many times that I would've pressed charges but I didn't want my child to not have a relationship with him based on him not being a good man to me in a relationship but could potentially be a great dad.

Jodi - posted on 04/17/2015

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How is going for 50/50 custody him making things hard for you? He just wants equal rights to his child. I fail to see how this is wrong.

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