SIngle Mom by Choice... Am i doing the right thing?

Jaja - posted on 12/02/2014 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I married a man who verbally abuses me 2 yrs of my marriage. Like calling me a bitch, motherfucker, c***sucker, moron, sick in the head and saying things like "go suck a little while c***, see you at your funeral, i will make sure our son hates you, you are a bitch you cant breastfeed, suck a rich guys c*** and many other disgusting words.
I got pregnant last year, and he got worst. Soemtimes, he would choke me. Once at night , i slapped him coz he told me to suck a rich mans c***. He then went over me and choked me , slapped me and twisted my arm. i tried to run for help. Two weeks after pregnancy, he pushed me down the bad and three weeks after, we had an arguement where i slapped him coz of abuse and he bang my head on cement wall. he then dragged me as i fell to go and clean up... i couldnt take it anymore. He would tell my 1 month old baby "your mother is bad, i will save you from her." and tells me he would make sure my kid would hate me......... i left him. 5 months after, he messages and says he still wants to be the father or that he wanted to borrow the kid. I am scared. I dont know what kind of influence he would have on my sweet son. After all the abuse, I cant trust him. Now, i live with my parents and they love my son alot. In our family, we never use dirty language/abuses, thus the shock when i got married. I lost myself and self respect. NOw, i feel empty and lonely ,but I know it would be better for my son rather than seeing and hearing abuse. I chose to raise my son alone, what do you guys think?

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Carolina - posted on 12/05/2014

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I'm sorry you had to go through that.
You are absolutely doing the right thing. Your job is to protect your child and that man sounds like a terrible person for either of you to be around.
People say that kids need both their parents. But when one of them is not a food influence or a good person then I don't see the point in the child being around that person.
I went through some abuse when I was a child and its taken me almost 20yrs to go to therapy. Its been so helpful. Painful, but helpful.
I totally recommend you talking to someone about this. Especially if you are feeling like you lost yourself and your self respect.
The best thing for your son is for you to be a whole, happy mom.
Now, if the dad really wants to be a part of your sons life, go to court, get papers draw up saying that he can only see your son under supervision, of a third party (preferably someone who can defend the both of you, just in case).
If you and your son are in a loving and safe home, stay there. That is the best place for the both of you.

Good luck.
You are stronger than you know and braver than you think. You protect your son with every fiber of your being and never apologize for that.

Ann - posted on 12/05/2014

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I would like to commend you for being so brave to make the choice to #1-get out; #2-choose a better future for you and your son. It is easy to get lost in the situation. We begin to feel that it's the best we can do or that someone else would not want us. This is a sign of a drop in self-esteem. When this line of thinking occurs, we need to find someone that we trust to talk to; someone to help validate our character strengths. You must know your own self-worth before you can expect anyone else to know. We teach people, every day, how to treat us. Whatever you allow is what will occur. So you got to the point where you stopped "allowing" this man to treat you any kind of way. I would begin to rebuild my life with my son. There is someone far greater out there that will treat you the way you deserve, but only the way you "teach" them or "allow" them to treat you. Keep your head high! Tell yourself every day how blessed, how awesome, how loving, how talented, how beautiful, how exceptional you are. Strive to be the best mom you can...you've already started by protecting your son and your son's mom:0) Best wishes to you my dear!

Jodi - posted on 12/04/2014

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Actually, Jaja, you will find that the father DOES still have rights to access to the child unless you can demonstrate with evidence in court that he is a negative influence. If he decides he wants access, he has that right. Get some legal advice on this.

Michelle - posted on 12/03/2014

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You need to get to court and get visitation and custody sorted out ASAP!
Until you have it in writing he is allowed to see his child. I would be pushing for supervised visits as well.
Did you file any police report over the abuse? If you have then you can use those in court as well.

Dru - posted on 12/03/2014

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Please get out whilst you can! im talking from past experience I stayed with my evil ex until my daughter was 5 he would not let me leave with my daughter but was still cheating on me towards the end broke my nose once and threatened to kill me. I really did try to change him,but the thing is you carnt change someone that doesn't want to. I fled to my best friends house whilst my little girl was at school and picked her up earlier than school finnsh then stayed with family until I found a new home, I changed areas and didnt let him know where I was until I had been and sorted things out with the solicitors. My point is you are better than him dont let him guilt you into staying with him he could do you serious harm. Two and a half years later and I have a new man and have taken his children on as my own life has definitely changed for the better it will for you too!♡

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Jaja - posted on 12/08/2014

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Hi Anne ,Michelle and Carolina.
Thank you for all your words of encouragement.
It is very hard to go through everyday. I wake up and its like my heart is just breaking esp when i see my son and what his dad has done to him :(
But nevertheless, im doing the best I can for my son as he is always my priority. Trying to be strong every single second.

Michelle - posted on 12/05/2014

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Guest and Michelle are right. The father has rights. Are you saying you are not in the U.S., but in the Philippines?? In that case, you will need to figure out the rules and laws there.

However, if you are in the U.S., you need to file court papers. They can be your protection. If you file and he doesn't respond, then you will win by default. You should gather all the evidence you have and take it to a lawyer, so s/he can figure out the best way to help you.

Leaving an abusive relationship takes a lot of courage. Kudos to you for that. Your daughter will be better for it. Good luck!

Good luck!

Jaja - posted on 12/03/2014

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Hi Michelle and Guest,

I am not legally married here in the Philippines so technically, the kid stays with the mother. Reason why im not legally married- coz he said it was too expensive to pay for the needed papers. Well, maybe in our situation now, it would be on my favor not to be legally married. I have also placed in a blotter under womens desk last june 7 so they have a record that i have reported to them. Thank you guys! really appreciate it.

Michelle - posted on 12/03/2014

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Like Guest said, until you have court orders in place he has as much right to see your son as you do. If you stop him from seeing his son it will go against you in court.
Get yourself a lawyer and get custody and visitation sorted out.

Guest - posted on 12/03/2014

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You NEED to go to court ASAP.

Right now, he has the same rights to the child that you do--he can come and take your baby at anytime, and there is nothing you could do about it. No way to legally get your baby back from him.
Also, if he decided to take you to court first, and can make the court believe that you deliberately kept his son from him, you can lose custody of your baby, or he could get far more lax visitation rights, including unsupervised, over night visitation.

If you take him to court first, you have the upper hand. Due to your safety concerns you need to speak to a good lawyer immediately. Present your police reports and medical reports from the abuse incidents to your lawyer, and express your concerns about letting him see the baby due to the extreme abuse. Your lawyer will need to help you establish protection so that you are not penalized for keeping the baby away from the father--you cannot do that on your own, and you will get in trouble for it, despite the abuse records. If you are still married, you will need to divorce as soon as possible.

Jaja - posted on 12/03/2014

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@dru harker - i guess we have to pass through a storm first. So happy for you that you were able to rebuild your life♡♡

Jaja - posted on 12/03/2014

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Thank you very much. Your comments have helped me know what i did was right. More than any physical pain, it is the verbal abuse that drove me nuts.... i really could not take any of them. Its like i lost myself. Now i have moved out for good since 6 months. Funny thing is he was the one who volunteered to drop me home and told me to get out of his car while i was holding the baby who was 2 months old at that time. Now he wants to be in the kids life but no i dont want him there. Yes i hav blottered him with police but i did not want to take it to court for as long as he doesnt harass me or the kid which right now he doesnt. Aftr i told him to forget our son he has not bothered me. Secondly, we are not legally married so i guess this is more on my favor. Thank u guys!

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