Single mom... Dating a man close to his child's mother (the ex files)

Zandi - posted on 09/24/2015 ( 15 moms have responded )

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Guys I am torn between a rock and a hard place. I have / had been seeing a man who has a child with another woman. I too have a child. Between us we got al92nd well however his apparent closeness to his exbecame bothersome to me. First it was I couldn't go to his place because " she had access due to a live in babysitter at his place" well we got over that hump ( so I thought when she moved out of state). Well I obviously had my reservations the entire time because they had a business together so they remain intertwined regardless. Well recently he went to see the son out of state and I suspect he stayed at her place. He wouldn't confirm where he slept at the time. Anyway so the issue became exasperated from then. Her stuff has been all over his place since he started allowing me to go there. His explanation has been she needed somewhere to leave her things during the move. Mind u her mother lives in the same city as us. So of course that made no sense to me. Well she came recently. He decided he was "uncomfortable with me going to his place because she may show up to pick up the son" so he insisted we meet elswhere. I didn't understand this. I went there anyway cos I asked him every Sunday we spend time at your place what is different today. U can pick up and drop off ur son at another location with her. Or I don't even have to get out the house if she decides to pick the boy up. I thought if we have been together almost 2 yrs why shld I still be hidden from this ex? Well shock horror I got there and discovered he had lent her his car. I asked why. He stated because she needed it. Given all the issues we've had because of his relationship with this woman. He got very ugly and mouthy with me there so I left. In my head I'm done with it. The first yr and a half. I didn't know where he lived, her mysteriously show up at the same events she was at and claim they had friends in common. He didn't want to go out with me to their circles during that time. Since she left the state his behavior and operation with seemed to have turned around completely. I thought we were moving forward cos his explanation had always been I don't want her to take me for child support. Me the understanding hopeful told myself it makes sense. My friends felt he was so good to me and liked me a lot so it probably made sense.... Now looking at his recent actions again I don't feel this man is ready to move past this ex and I'm better of walking away. I just went ghost. Didn't bother explaining why I disappeared cos what's the point. Nothing seems to change. He has been a great guy to me, very loving and we got along well but I feel like he failed to respect my discomfort with his ex. Instead he attributed it to me distrusting him etc. As much I like that he is in his kids life that relationship with the mother to me is not settling. Was I wrong to finally leave it and walk away? I ask myself maybe I was being irrational but I then feel humiliated that he felt it was I for me to see his ex's clothes etc all over his house weneva is visit him and now for her to be driving around in the same car we rode around together in. I feel disrespected as the new woman as well like he is very arrogant about it by dismissing my feelings. Thoughts?? Sorry this is long

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

JAD - posted on 09/26/2015

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You deserve better & you are not wrong. I would have felt the same way & my heart goes out to you.

Sarah - posted on 09/25/2015

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I pick up that he and his ex are not "done" with their personal issues. There is too much interpersonal activity going on. Bail, find a man who doesn't put you in the closet.

Raye - posted on 09/25/2015

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If you don't have trust, you don't have a good relationship. He doesn't trust you to tell you what's going on in his life (or with the ex), so you can't trust him because he leaves you in the dark. And the jealousy he displayed toward your ex is a red flag, too. When my dad was cheating, he always accused my mom of cheating too, to try to take the focus off him (she never cheated). Seems like you have perfectly good reason not to trust, and should consider moving on.

Dove - posted on 09/24/2015

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Why did you put up w/ it for 2 years in the first place?

That's my only thought here.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/26/2015

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Jad, if you have children, you must co parent with your ex. END OF STORY. If you don't want him 'coming around', get a court ordered neutral child exchange.

JAD - posted on 09/26/2015

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It will never get better and I am the ex with child in my situation and they will not stay away even if a woman wants them to. And I want my ex to stay away but he wants to keep coming around, He is a man and men will be men.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/25/2015

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Like I said, he and his ex need to get into counseling.

Zandi - posted on 09/24/2015

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@shawnn Lively,
The last time my ex was in the vicinity he got very jelous and started to try accusing or insinuating that my break up story was a lie that I still had feelings for my ex. Which is utterly ridiculous given the nature of my relationship with my ex anyway. He was desperate to meet my ex, which I even was ready to allow to happen but it didn't happen as I had planned due to other inconveniences...

Coparenting is great. My knowledge of it is it should only be restricted to operations regarding the kids. No gray areas. Of course their lives will be intertwined but do we draw lines. Like the other responder said does lending cars and being storage have anything to do with the son? Also how does that help ME the new woman accept this so called closeness of the issue of my discomfort with it is dismissed? When we start lending each other cars becoming each other's storage areas that to me is a whole bother thing. Heck I coparent with my ex. But I always respect anyone I date enough. To never make my ex a factor in my new relationships. My ex is very clear I have a personal life that does involve dating and there are no gray areas. These 2 to me way too many gray areas which felt like they were not ready to go separate ways completely. I felt I was being forced to embrace his chosen holding on to his past for wateva reason. We as single parents shld know to draw lines. when it comes to how we interact and allow our exes to affect any new relationships we may get into. This dude it felt like his house was some sort of shrine of Another woman.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/24/2015

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Oh FFS! First of all, regardless of whether or not he has you (or any other woman) in his life, his life IS going to be intertwined with his ex...because they have a child together. You may not have chosen to co-parent, but apparently he's chosen to co-parent.
"he doesn't want to be taken for child support". In this, he's an ass. There NEEDS to be a legal agreement in place to protect all parties, ESPECIALLY the child. Again, if you have chosen to go another route with your kid, and your ex...your choice.
To me, it sounds as if he and his ex need to get into some relationship counseling and work things out.

Now, I have to ask, how does he react to you interacting with your ex?

Zandi - posted on 09/24/2015

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@mary Ann fawkes.. .that was my running argument. Unfortunately it took me that long to stand by it. Just wanted to be in a relationship. But it was ridiculous

Zandi - posted on 09/24/2015

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I was stupid. Plain wanted love.. That's my only reasoning. I know I was the fool here.

Thanks

MaryAnn - posted on 09/24/2015

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After two years, its time to move on... He needs to know this. Together or apart. His relationship with her should be for his son's benefit. Borrowing car? Taxi, bus, walk. Not for his son. Storing things? Nope, not his son's things.

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