Single mom dating guy with no kids-NEED ADVICE BAD!!

Kiera Elizabeth - posted on 08/02/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )




Okay, Im 25 with two girls (3 and 6), he's 23 and in college (per say: he's taking college classes) already sounds kinda bad, right? To keep this short I will quote Eat, Pray, Love in saying "I feel like I jumped out of my husbands arms and into my new beau's" (Don't get me wrong there was no cheating involved, it wasn't THAT quick, but a month or two...
Anyways, It was the best 'honeymoon phase' ever. We were perfect for each other, complimenting each others qualities and faults very well. We had both just jumped out of relationships, longest ever relationships for both of us. It was like we were each others super glue. We moved super fast, moved in with each other within 3-4 months. Now 1 year and 5 months, and the 'Honeymoon phase' is long over. We started fading apart when the kids started coming around more. Yes, at first he was great with the kids all of the time, both of his parents are teachers, he just connected with them, but he wasnt seeing much of them at that time. I have 50% custody, and as far as my parenting agreement with my husband(yes, I haven't filed the divorce papers yet) My kids come over 3.5 days a week. (I hate sounding so technical about my kids, but its to keep it short I promise) When the kids are here we bicker, we nag each other, the kids get on his nerves and he even tells me sometimes that he doesn't want to be here with them. Everytime we argue, or fight, he opts for leaving. (Backstory: he was diagnosed with severe ADHD as a child and was advised by medical professionals that if he feels a situation getting out of hand for himself he has to walk away, so it's not just him trying to bolt) but, he expects me to beg him to stay and tell him why he should stay, but I don't. I know that we don't really belong together. We both love each other very much but I know that he will make a great father to his own kids, when he is ready, when he is finished with school (which keeps his stress level so high!)
Right now, we have agreed to take some space. He is going to stay at his parents house for the week. As much as I didnt want to be around him, I was afraid for him to go. I'm afraid that the week of space will make me realize how much happier we(my kids and I) could be, I love him, I care about him, I care about his feelings, and I'm stuck between, should we try to work things out maybe slow down a bit, will it just take some understanding? Or have we ruined our relationship to the point of no return?
Please help. Any advice would be good...


Jodi - posted on 08/02/2013




It sounds like you got into a relationship too fast and too soon. If there are problems every time your kids are around, it isn't a positive environment for the children, who have to be your first priority. If this becomes a case of having to choose between him and the kids (and that sounds like where it is headed), then maybe you need to consider separating. To be fair, he is very young. 23 and still in college is incredibly young and immature - he still has some growing up to do. It would probably good for you to be on your own for a while with the children. It is never a good idea to jump from one relationship to another, because you need to give yourself time to truly get your own life together.


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Ev - posted on 08/05/2013




Another point to this is the kids getting attached to people you date: Introducing them to someone that soon into a dating relationship is not a good idea. If attachments form and then the couple breaks up, the kids feel the worst of it because that is another person they loved gone from their world. They are going to suffer more for that than you will. Give it time and make them your priority as the others have said. I have done that. I have not dated in the 11 years that I have been divorced from the father because they needed me more than I needed another man in my life. Because of that, I am closer to both of my kids, I appreciate that bond and I have also gained their trust, respect, and love. And those things are what your kids need the most from you right now, to be able to trust you, to get respect and respect you back and most of all know that you love them. It took me about five years to come to terms with everything and get happy with me. Now that I am there, I can enjoy life with my kids and family, I can move forward, and I can also look forward to a lot of new things. I have had the chance to learn about myself as well.

Jumping from one relationship to another is called rebounding. It can last from a few days to a long while. But they do not last. You said you did not get the divorce final yet. You need to get that done. That alone is going to hold you back from moving forward believe it or not. You need to figure yourself out and concentrate on the kids. You need to get some sort of life going for you and the kids without a man in it for now. You need to come up with some expectations and goals for your family and for you. In a few years, if you still want to find a new man, then do so. But date seriously for a long while before introducing him to the kids and be sure he is the one you want in their lives too....its not just you have children.

Leela - posted on 08/04/2013




Agree with Jodi. He's young and sounds too immature to deal with the situation. Spend sometime with just you and the kids. That will also give him some time to figure out if this is what he wants as well.

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