single mom of deceased child needs advise

Christine - posted on 03/04/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )




Six years ago I was a single mom with a premie baby that was doing good at 3 and a half months. Then one day we went to sleep and when I woke up, she was gone. I have since been asked on many occasions by people that did not know me then, If I am a mother or if I have kids. I usually say "no". I do not have any other children at this point so I have to ask, Should I continue to say "no", all the while knowing in my heart that it is a lie and thinking of my daughter and wanting desperately to be apart of the conversation. Or, do I say "yes", but then I have to explain that she would have been 6 and why she isn't six in my picture book. Then have to relive the horrible moment while trying to explain? i have a hard enough time with people that talk about their babies or have them around. I have mixed emotions. I get really happy and light hearted when I see a baby, but then I am sadened and hurt that i am reminded of my own loss. Any one with similar experiences that would like to give me input, would be greatly appreciated.


User - posted on 03/04/2009




two years ago next month my little brother passed away at the age of fourteen. I still have tell people I have five sibilings, despite the fact that one has passed away. My mother still tells people she has six kids, even though one has passed away. We still celebrate his birthday and remember him at every occasion.

You are still a mother. That is something you will always be and should stand proud. I know that time doesn't heal all wounds, it just makes the wounds easier to deal with. I know that it's probably something you think about all the time, I know my brother is never far from my mothers mind.

Your daughter will always havce a special place in your heart and mind, that much I know for sure. A special place just for her. Remember that she is awlways with you. Every laugh and smile, every tear and heartbreak, she's there. And that means you are still a mother. Weather you can see her or not, she's still there sharing everyday with you. And in that sence, she is still very much alive, because you keep her memory alive. Your still her mother, and you always will be. Once a mom, always a mom. That's something that can NEVER be taken from you.

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Tina - posted on 08/31/2011




My sister lost her third child two and a half years ago. He was still born. She usually tells people "I have two children here with me and one angel baby in heaven"

Amanda - posted on 03/04/2009




hello i am so sorry for ur loss, ur story made me cry... i could not imagine how it must feel to loose a child but i can only imagine... i have to agree with darlinda... u say whatever is comfortable for u... we all heal in different ways and if it is easier for u to not tell the story to a million people than by all means u shouldn't have to... ur daughter will always be ur daughter and always have a special place in ur heart no one can take that away.... again i am so very sorry for ur loss and i wish u the best.......

Mary - posted on 03/04/2009




I am so sorry for your loss.  I can't say I know how you feel or what would be best for you to do because I have never been in your shoes but I do know that once a mommy always a mommy.....Myabe it would help if you did talk about it....I know it would be very hard at first but I am thinking that in the long run it would be good.  I lost my father in April of 08 and it was very hard for me to talk about it or him at all...I would always change the subject.....but I learned that talking about it helps to lessen the pain...while I will never forget my father I can now talk about him with a fond smile.

Tara - posted on 03/04/2009




I am terribly sorry for the loss of your baby girl. I have a 3 1/2 month old baby boy right now at home and I just can't imagine my life without him. I do not know exaclty how you feel but before I had my son I was pregnant and I had a miscarriage. That baby should have had a heartbeat...but when I went to my 1st dr. appt there was none. A few days later, I went to the ER with severe pain and found out that I was losing my baby. I was heartbroken, terrified, sad, mad... That day is stuck in my head always and it probably always will be but I was a mother then... Even if I never got to meet him/her, I was still a mother. I thank God everyday for bringing my baby boy but my heart still hurts for the baby I lost. So in some way I know what you are going through and what I can tell you is YOU ARE A MOTHER and you ALWAYS will be a mother.... Be proud and happy for the time you did get to spend with your daughter because there are some people that never get the chance to feel their baby move in their tummy. I have come to know from my own experience that talking about it is the biggest help I have ever had. It may see hard and pointless but in time it will heal you and you will be able to move on with your life with the wonderful memory of your baby girl. I sure hope this has helped you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang in there!!!

Malinda - posted on 03/04/2009




I am so sorry for your loss. I truly cannot imagine what you are going through, but I feel that you deserve all the support in the world.

Our nanny lost her son before they left the hospital. Granted this was 25 years ago, but of course it still hurts her terribly. She does have a daughter and when people ask her if she has children she says "I have one that lived and one that did not." She usually does have to explain the statement, but for her I think it helps to acknowledge her son's life. I have always appreciated that she talks about him and calls him by name, and we do the same. I think it's important to her to honor that even though he isn't here now, he was and his life was important and special even if it only lasted a few days.

Maybe you aren't there yet, and maybe you never really will be. I'm sure the feeling you have when you have to explain it to others is beyond description, but perhaps talking about your beautiful daughter will help her live on in some way.

Love and blessings to your family.

Hellsbells2311 - posted on 03/04/2009




Sweetheart I am so sorry for your loss and I can sympathize to some extent, as I miscarried what would have been our 3rd child 4 yrs ago. Can I say that if you haven't already seek some councilling as it really does help. I can't really tell you what to say, but when people ask how many kids we have I tell them 3 but that we lost one and don't go into it with people that we aren't going to have in our circle of friends as to be honest it's none of their business. It will take a long time for it to stop hurting, even tho we now have a 17 month old it still hurts that he should have 3older siblings and not just the 2 he has, but I look at it as fate, everything happens for a reason and it wasn't the right time for your daughter. I do hope things get easier for you and just know you are not alone x

Teresa - posted on 03/04/2009




Well, I have never lost a child. So sorry for your loss. However, my husband lost his sister two years ago in an accident. She was only 35. Now, when people ask how many siblings he has, he includes her. At first, he did not. I asked him why he now includes her and he said that she is still his sister, no matter what. He will also mention that she is deceased, but simply says it was an accident that he does not care to re-live or re-tell. People totally understand. Good luck. Hope this helps.

DarLinda - posted on 03/04/2009




I am very sorry for your loss. Once a mother, always a mother. You have to heal at your own pace and say what you are comfortable with. If 'no' is easier for you, then you can continue with that. Please consider that someone else could be going through the same thing & your experience might help you both heal. My heart goes out to you.

Crystal - posted on 03/04/2009




I cant say I know how you feel, I am sorry for your loss. My very good friend suffered a stillbirth this summer, and at first she said that she only had one child (her 2 year old). Recently she has started saying that she has two children, one here with her and one in heaven. Noah was her son, and so to keep his memory she now acknowledges him daily. If its too hard for you to risk having to share that info then keep your daughter for yourself! But if you find that you are keeping her memory and sharing her with others then I would say yes I do have a daughter, she is in Heaven. I hope this helps? GL and whatever you decide to do or say is your absolute right as a parent!

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