single mom of two sons needs advice

Donna-marie - posted on 12/17/2011 ( 32 moms have responded )

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I am a single momther of a 11 and 5 year old boys, I been dating a wonderful man for almost a year now.But last nite i felt hurt about what occurred, my boys are average boys they fight disagree the whole bit at times its overwhelming for me. As i came out the shower i noticed a chill in my home so i asked if someone came in which my patner said no.the house was almost too quiet, this is when i noticed my little one was missing, In my robe i searched the house remembering the chill i felt i moved towards the front door where he told me let me get him. I was shocked mind you they were both dressed for bed, He placed my 5 year old outside because he was "annoying" and "talked too much' before i could respond he had his jacket on and was gone. Honestly i was so furious of his way of discipling him. We have not spoken since.Ladies please give e your input on how you would have dealt with this.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/19/2011

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He'd have found his stuff on the lawn, and a loaded gun awaiting him behind the door if he tried to come back.

He is NOT the "wonderful" man he's led you to believe, not if his method of discipline for a child that "talks too much" is to stick them outside, in the winter, in their pajamas, especially without discussing ANY type of punishment with you first.

And, no, I wouldn't even CONSIDER letting him back into my house, much less my life, if that was the way he was going to treat my kids.

Look at it this way. This man, this ADULT, did several things that we'd punish our kids for.

1) He lied to you. Not once, but twice. Once when he said no one had come in, and the second time when he said "let me get him". An omission is still a lie. He omitted any mention of what had happened. Do you really want to be involved with a liar?

2) He endangered your son. Yes, he really did! Winter temps, pajamas, OUTSIDE unsupervised after dark...and I bet the door was locked, too, wasn't it? Well, honey, that's not discipline, that's abuse and child endangerment. Do you want to be with someone who has so little disregard for you and your children?

3) He did not use his words. He’s the ADULT in the situation. If he can’t use his words to express his dislike, discomfort, or just plain distress, then he’s got big issues. But, in my opinion, he’s already got big issues, in that he’s a liar, and an abusive personality. Do you really want to be involved with someone that’s mentally no older than your children?

I wish you luck, my dear. Its not easy to find out that prince charming was actually the frog...but at least you found out before you married the guy.

Krista - posted on 12/21/2011

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I'm with the other girls. He put your 5 year old outside, in the cold, in his pajamas? Where he could have wandered off to goodness-knows-where, in the dark!?!? Because he was "annoying and talked too much"???

He let you search the whole house before telling you?

Oh, HELL no.

Imagine if a neighbour had seen that and (rightfully so) called the police on you???

Hanjo - posted on 12/19/2011

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I feel for you...be careful....I also have a 5 and 11 year ol, but they are girls...the relationship was wonderful, THEN we got married....I have the same, nothing they do is good enough...he always complains and tell me how bad they are. I promise you my kids are just normal kids but they are well behave and are very good....but he does not think so...in his eyes the have no disipline, they are naughty....it is hell, i tell you....good for you to see it now....I only saw it after we got married....
watch out....your kids are you priority NOW, if you get married..GOD says your husband should be first...don't go there if you are not ready.

[deleted account]

WOW--there's a great deal to be said here about how I'd have dealt with this. Let me try to tackle it in some kind of logical order.

First: As a single mother, I wouldn't be sharing living quarters with a male business partner. It wouldn't be the kind of example that I'd be willing to set for my children, and I would expect that any man I dated, however wonderful he might be in every other way, would be bound to have, well, FEELINGS about there being a non-family male resident in my household.

Second, if there were some circumstance(s) that necessitated sharing a residence with my male business partner, our partnership wouldn't extend to the point where he felt free to discipline my children. That would be clear from the outset.

Third--BUT your partner has demonstrated that he isn't clear on his boundaries OR on what constitutes a danger to a child. In your shoes, I'd be hastening to do whatever is necessary to get a place for myself and my children that was separate from where my partner lived.

Johnny - posted on 12/17/2011

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I must agree with the previous posters. Are you ever going to be able to truly trust him to be alone with your kids in the future? He made a very risky choice, he's just lucky it did not go wrong. I think you are right to be angry and questioning this.

32 Comments

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User - posted on 12/23/2011

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I think you need to make God the love of your life! I was single for a year. with three boys. until in 2008 God bless me with a wonderful husband. someone who love God first. you need to let go and let God! patriciairvin322@gmail.com

Janett - posted on 12/23/2011

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I have been there and I have done that and my kids didn't tell me about all the abuse they went through until after we were divorced and I never found out what he did to keep them quiet!! I am still angry with him after almost 30 years and have not been in a permanent relationship since! Trust me you don't want to hear from this guy! As a previous post said, throw his things out on the lawn and turn on the sprinklers, you are better off without him, and be very careful on your next try out!!

Beth - posted on 12/22/2011

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well considering he was only five i would of told him that wasn't the way to discipline the child either be nice and tell him to be quite or ask the child to go to his room you don't put a five year old outside with no supervision and if its cold out and in his pajamas try to call him or see him and talk to him explain to him what he did wrong

Marian_susan_ann - posted on 12/22/2011

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First for better be single so you will have less problem in the future.Remember they are not his kids but yours ,& remember there is no such word as fairytale come true it's a real life out there my dear,hope you get me right. Take care love your kids it's your blessings .Men need us only for sex to be frank is seen it? Ok it is up to you my dear ,just remember no one will love you & your kids more then you do .God Bless Take Care .smagisa

Shannon - posted on 12/21/2011

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Bye bye a-hole, there is reason in the world to forgive that. Its nice to have a good man, but the kids always come first. He is not the parent or step parent & should not be decipling at all unless u agree to it. Let alone the effects of locking a 5 yr old outside could have on him. Thats not a punishment, its abuse in my book!!

[deleted account]

Children first, man second. I have issues with women who put any guy before their children. married or unmarried, God or no god, because you certainly cannot assume that everyone shares the same religious views. I suppose I have issues with that too, but that's for another thread!

So, yeah....children first, ALWAYS.

Connie - posted on 12/21/2011

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That is child endangerment. If your son would have walked away, possibly to a friends house or something, and the authorities were notified, he would be taken into protective custody. Is that man worth losing your kids over? That's what it boils down to. Because as others have said, if he would do that WITH YOU IN THE HOUSE, then there's a VERY good probability that something worse is coming down the line. For him to let you search the house and lie about it? Yeah. Buh-BY!

Jodi - posted on 12/20/2011

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Oh, wow. This is NOT in any way acceptable. I wouldn't be letting that man anywhere near my kids again. Five year olds don't need to be disciplined for being "annoying" and "talking too much", because that's what being five is all about. He didn't need any discipline as far as I can see.

Carrie - posted on 12/20/2011

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Good-bye, don't let the door hit you in the butt on your way out. Our job as parents is to protect our kids, he did that while you were there, never know what could of happebed if you would of been gone.

Anna - posted on 12/20/2011

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I am sure you've gotten more than enough advice on this so I will try to refrain from aspects on how you SHOULD react, etc. You are you - but bear this in mind. If your "date" has so little regard for the safety of your family you can bet your bottom dollar your own safety will be way down the list of his priorities, so regardless of anything else I would consider carefully before having anything to do with someone like that on an intimate level.

Holly - posted on 12/20/2011

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This is a huge red flag and one you can't overlook something like this. Your child's safety, his need for an environment where he can be himself and not be fearful, angry or resentful at the man in Mom's life is important. You really should consider looking for someone better!!!

Natasha - posted on 12/20/2011

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Dear Donna-Marie,
I feel for you. It is not easy to trust someone again when you are single mum.
But, one must not forget, that as a mum, you are the only one who will protect/guard your children. They will always do something naughty, especially being boys and they challenge their parent and especially newcomers, like your partner. This is their way of testing if we are safe.
The way your partner behaved is not safe. It is also not safe because not as much as what he did (as we all lose it occasionally, let's admit it and regret losing control) but the fact that he did not discuss it with you in mature way and maybe asked your advice what is the best way to do next time.
It is not a good sign.
A partner who cannot communicate in a mature way because of the small problem, will not be able to do it if there are bigger problems. And they will get bigger as kids will grow.
If you really like him, you could try to talk about it with him and try to understand why he reacted in the way he did, but in my experience, these people need professional help and to change or learn how to deal with this situation they need to really want t do it themselves.
The fact that he did not even call you to talk/explain/apologise for 2 days is not a good sign.
I am sorry it what I am saying will hurt, but a parent is a guardian for her/his children before anything else.

Lindile - posted on 12/19/2011

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First off he is being childish just walking away like you did him wrong. Then the children discipline I think he could have come to you first. He cant discipline a child for talking to much. He cant just put a child out. He should have adressed the matter with you first before he gets out of control and hurts the children. You need to set boundries about him and your children because if you stay with the guy and marry your children needs to be able to respect him and vic versa and not fear or loathe him.

Lindile - posted on 12/19/2011

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First off he is being childish just walking away like you did him wrong. Then the children discipline I think he could have come to you first. He cant discipline a child for talking to much. He cant just put a child out. He should have adressed the matter with you first before he gets out of control and hurts the children. You need to set boundries about him and your children because if you stay with the guy and marry your children needs to be able to respect him and vic versa and not fear or loathe him.

Jenna - posted on 12/19/2011

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Follow your gut on this one! Your children come first and it doesn't sound like he should be trusted around your boys!!

Rosie - posted on 12/19/2011

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as much as it would hurt, i think leaving now would be best for all. where would this relationship be going if you can't trust him around your kids? what he did was unacceptable, he's not their dad, nor is he their step dad.
walk away, there is no future with him-at least one where everyone is happy. you're just delaying the inevitable if you don't.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/19/2011

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"Hurt" would not quite explain my feelings about it. I am PISSED and it was not my kids. I hope you live in a warm climate, cause it is COLD out right now where I am. No child should be outside in their pj's this time of year. If you still decide to stay with him, you should make it a HUGE point NEVER to leave him alone with your children for even a minute.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/19/2011

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WHAT THE FUCK? This is "not a wonderful man" this is an abusive person that has no regard for childrens feelings OR yours. Kick him out on his ass is what I would do. If he cannot be respectful of you and your children, what is he doing with you? The sex cannot be THAT good to disgregard what he did and to stay with him.

Mel - posted on 12/19/2011

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i would be fuming too what kind of person puts a 5yr old outside? kids talk they are loud what he neds to understand is that what kids do there sent to annoy us(lol) but at the end of the day we love our kids
if my new hubby had done that to my son from my first marrage i would have walked as the other posts are saying can you realy trust this man arround your kids?i would say best bet move on find someone else who will love your kids like a dad should

Amy - posted on 12/17/2011

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He let you search the whole house and didn't tell you he had stuck your son outside?? Annoying, talk to much?? Time to move on I think you know in your gut this isn't the man you want your children around!

Iridescent - posted on 12/17/2011

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I would be done. That is not acceptable, and your kids come first.

Tinker1987 - posted on 12/17/2011

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I would be Livid. Does this man have any Kids of his own? if not he seems to be immature with discipling. might not know how to properly do it,and is lacking common sense,so many things could have gone bad,why didnt he just send the boy to a bedroom? Geez

Erin - posted on 12/17/2011

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First off, I'd be furious too! This man obviously isn't thinking like a parent or even a caretaker. What if your 5yo hadn't stayed put but walked out into the dark street!? As far as not talking since, he may be giving you time to cool off if he saw how furious you got at his "discipline." If he doesn't contact you in a few days to see if you've "calmed down," ask yourself if this is something that you want to work through with him (set very firm boundaries about how he's to displine your children when you're not there) or if you want to let him go. Only you can answer that last one, but I would be very careful about letting him around the children even if you're just going to take a shower.

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