single mom with 2 teenage girls who fight and argue ALL the time

Lynelle - posted on 10/17/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I have 2 teenage daughters (15 and 17). They have always argued and fought. At the end of the rope now. Tired of speaking sense into them. I have tried, so have my parents and close friends. They find a way of picking fights about everything. They are angry with their dad for leaving us and starting a family with another woman and having 2 kids with that woman. However, we have spoken about this in derail over the years (12 years) and they love their step brother and sister. Their dad is a very controlling person who hardly ever sees them or calls them and when he does its just a nightmare for them with his interrogation. He runs me down with the girls a lot. Please help. I want my girls to start loving each other. Despite me doing everything for them, I find them totally ungrateful and disrespectful. I was a very respectful child to my parents. I still am. Very hurt and nor sure what more to say or do. Thanks.

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Lynelle - posted on 10/17/2015

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Hi Jodi.
Many thanks for your response. My consequences don't seem to work. I have tried taking away mobiles, ipads, tv, music and grounded them. They are content staying at home and doing nothing every now and again.
I once room away a mobile for almost a month. It just made life more difficult for me in communicating when I had to lift them from school.
Any consequence ideas you may have that may be helpful for me?

Lynelle - posted on 10/17/2015

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Thanks Lamy. I am going to try the "stop it" or "go to room and come to a solution" method. Also going to ask them for written solutions when they are not argueing and work on those solutions when an arguement is taking place. Thank you. Will keep you updated.

Lamy - posted on 10/17/2015

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I would try to tell them from now on if you see them arguing you will say Decide now, and they will either decide to drop the argument and go to separate areas, or they will decide to Solve the problem together in another room.

That means they will go into the other room and not be allowed out until they are BOTH satisfied with a solution to their argument. If you go in and both parties have no come to an agreement, they will continue to stay. Both parties must agree that they are satisfied with the solution.

Maybe you can't stop the arguing but you can stop them from doing it in front of you. They can choose to separate and drop it, or go together and solve it. This will break the pattern of arguing.

If you're out and trapped together they can either STOP and drop it or STOP and discuss it when you aren't trapped, either way they must STOP. If one or the other continues they should be given some sort of consequence.

This gives them the power, they can either stop their constant bickering, or learn to communicate and solve their issues (away from you) until both parties are happy. If their arguments are petty they won't continue, if they feel it's important they'll be trapped together until a solution comes.

If you feel this is too harsh you could possibly pose the problem of their constant arguing to them and tell them you would like aplan of action to solve this and they can give you ideas on what that might be OR you will begin to start the plan of action you made (the one I suggested). If they can come up with a better idea than you WRITE IT DOWN and BE SPECIFIC. That way if they come up with a solution you will have it written out and have it very specific so neither party can argue with the other that 'we said we'd do this' or 'that isn't fair we never said that' or whatever.

Either they can assist you in coming up with ways to handle this or you can force them to drop it or solve it.

Sometimes you just need to stop them cause they're incapable of stopping themselves but also if you give them a chance to assist you in solving their arguing problem they might come up with something you haven't thought of.

This is just an idea but it sounds like you've tried lots of other things already so give it a shot.

Jodi - posted on 10/17/2015

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Stop doing everything for them! We aren't supposed to do everything for our children - they need to learn to do for themselves, then they may be more grateful.

Can I ask what consequences you have in place for this behaviour?

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