single mom without being a single mom

Jocelyn - posted on 12/11/2012 ( 38 moms have responded )

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I have three kids that are 9,7,and 6. i have been in a relationship with their father for ten yrs and i feel like ive been a single mother the entire time. now im having behavior issues with my two youngest (boys btw). Im at my wits end and theres not one single day that im not physically and emotionally drained. Now because of personal issues we live in separate homes but are still a couple. but now its even worse. the tiny bit of support i did have has diminished and the anger and resentment is being taken out on my kids. i feel so bad all the time because i know its not their fault. i dont know what to do anymore. whats worse is i dont have any family/friend support. ive alienated myself and my kids because of my depression. i dont want my kids to grow up hating me. im just looking for advice. oh yea btw now that we dont live together the financial support that was always available from their father is now almost non existant as well. we get whatever is left from what he hasnt spent on himself. Im a stay at home mom so u can imagine how rough it is trying to raise three kids with almost no financial or emotional support.

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Holly - posted on 12/11/2012

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i honestly think you should just leave him, all this hostility should just be left at the door, instead of looking at them and hating their father it would be best to push him out of your head... and use your kids as a reason to be a strong person...



My exhusband was not only nonsupportive, he was a drug dealer/user and he was emotionally and pysically abusive towards me. I drew strength from my new baby and left him, and a few weeks later i found out i was pregnant again... UGH! so i decided that i would teach these kids you do not need a man to be a woman... to be a woman meant to be strong and independent.... and thats what i have taught them

Bia - posted on 06/30/2015

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Hello there. I am in the same situation but I never married the man....but divorced or not you are not living together, and you are single. I am sorry to say this, and really sorry, because men just don't care once your are not a couple. Those comments about telling him you are a "team"? You are NOT a team. You are alone. So just don't make a fool of yourself saying to him that you are. The only thing you have together is his kids. Mine are still too small to know what happened to the father, but I really have a hard time thinking of what story to tell one day. I am also not working, this is when you need to file for government support and state that you are "separated". Also, he is kind of obligated to help financially, but its up to you how you do this. Once you get government support then they subtract how much he is giving you from the amount they give you, so unless he is giving you money in the thousands, then I wouldn't recommend it. This is only good when you are working, and then he has to give you a certain % of what he makes (that's if he will still be "working" then, some men start working illegally for cash and clam they are not working, so that they don't have to give you any money...that's the case of my friend). Another problem, family. Family can be a source of pain for you at this moment or a great support. Knowing that you try to stay away from them shows me that they may not be supportive. Guess what happened after my man left? My family totally ignored me, didn't phone me or even visit to help with my child, didn't even care to ask. The attitude I get from others when they know I am a single mom is disturbing, even in childcare centers. Like there is something wrong with me....well there is not. Because all he would do in his spare time is sleep. My ex never helped me with anything. So I know, I was also kind of like being a single mom before the split because he made me responsible for everything that had to do with the child (and I heard nonconstructive criticism of course), but actually splitting makes it even harder. Harder because he will not be there most of the time to help if needed. You have to rely only on yourself. Do not expect him to care. If he was a great guy he would have acted differently in the first place. Also, do not expect him to change. Make your life as easy as possible. The great thing is that now you do not have to do anything for him, or please him, or hear any nagging from him. Just do what is best for you and the kids. I know its hard. I have this constant deep feeling of abandonment and deceit eating my insides. Its a horrible feeling. And I cant seem to get rid of it. If anyone has any idea how to heal....please reply.

Karen - posted on 10/13/2013

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Your not married,get on welfare and put him as Father ,they will get you the help you need.are u nuts ,stop kidding your self he is using you.Get out of your depression and give love to the innocent ones you gave birth to.They are the only ones who count.
We have to do the right thing for our kids ,thats the only real love that's honest,and they look up to you ,and trust you with their life.!!!!!

Take a deep breath and say I can do this and do it. God Speed.

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Samantha - posted on 09/11/2017

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I am going through the same thing. Of course my situation is a little different. My fiance left when I told him I was pregnant. I am three months and just found out what my baby is. He knew when I was supposed to find out and still hasnt asked what the baby is. I do have bipolar and depression. It has been really hard and it seems like I am alone. Then I realize I am not truly alone. It sucks and it has been really hard going through this but what helps me stay strong is remembering that I have someone the needs me. Think of it this way if you feel alone in a relationship why are you with them? Dont stay in a miserable relationship because of your children because they deserve better as well. I hope this helped a little ♥

Aman20444 - posted on 01/27/2017

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I have three kids that are 9,7,and 6. i have been in a relationship with their father for ten yrs and i feel like ive been a single mother the entire time. now im having behavior issues with my two youngest (boys btw). Im at my wits end and theres not one single day that im not physically and emotionally drained. Now because of personal issues we live in separate homes but are still a couple. but now its even worse. the tiny bit of support i did have has diminished and the anger and resentment is being taken out on my kids. i feel so bad all the time because i know its not their fault. i dont know what to do anymore. whats worse is i dont have any family/friend support. ive alienated myself and my kids because of my depression. i dont want my kids to grow up hating me. im just looking for advice. oh yea btw now that we dont live together the financial support that was always available from their father is now almost non existant as well. we get whatever is left from what he hasnt spent on himself. Im a stay at home mom so u can imagine how ro

Siva - posted on 06/26/2016

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dear u have mental depression . do medidation and mind relief first
and then start small business or go to job for enhance your financial position

Sara - posted on 04/25/2016

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The best thing you can do for yourself and your children is to find counseling. You will gain strength and insight. You mentioned you know this is hurting your children and your relationship with them. There are many places that offer sliding scale payment plans or even groups where you pay a small fee to go, some may even be free. Please look out to your community and don't be afraid to ask for help. Glad you reached out here.

Tony - posted on 11/22/2015

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wow thats tough hun. now more than ever u need good friends around u and emotional support. if u need someone to chat t oo, u can find me on yahoo messenger: tonysep06

Gloria - posted on 11/15/2015

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Nicole - posted on 01/18/2015

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Well, i think you just need to remind your husband, you know, hey, we're a team and we have three kids. I'm struggling to do this on my own, i need your help. try to go to family and if you choose divorce, ask for child support. No woman should have to put up with this, it's just wrong to me

Ms - posted on 12/10/2014

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First off, please try and call on your family for support. Once you find some kind of support I think you need to let the relationship go. You have wasted so many years hoping for something that still haven't happened yet. Once you free your mind from your husband you will feel a sense of relieve and be able to have a clear mind. We might now want to turn to family members because we might be embarrassed or feel like they are going to judge us, but little do you know sometimes they are waiting on that one phone call with open arms. On the weekend take the kids out of the house and go visit your families. Ms O

Breauna - posted on 07/20/2014

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Wow I understand how you feel. I feel like a single mom but My husband I are both the parents of our two boys, 5 and 8 months old. They are a handful , my situation may be different from others seeing that my husband has sickle cell disease and is not able to do all that he wants but I also feel that he finds time to hangout with friends and doesn't worry too much about the boys because he knows that I got them at all times. He says he will start to help me more but where does my relief come in I want a fulfilling life too.

Danyelle - posted on 05/01/2014

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hey, I pray my response would find you in good standing. I'm a single mom as well. I have two girls(2 and 4 years old). I was with their dad 3 years before we had our first child together. but while dating I noticed that he was selfish when I needed help paying a bill he would hardly give anything now that was an indication there that he wasn't a good provider. After having my first child he was incarcerated. when he came home things were going well. He was doing ok taking care of our daughter. 18months later I was pregnant again. this time he was home for the early stages of her life but soon he was incarcerated again. I said all of that to say we as women have to know a man by the actions they give toward us and that will determine how good of a father he will be to his child. Since he's been released, which has been about 2 years now. he rarely calls to check on his children, he rarely gives any support. just to let you know I wasn't one out there sleeping around and cheating. When we were together I thought I was in heaven, but still doing things on my own. I eventually left him while 5 months pregnant with my youngest daughter. now, I'm single and I doing well without him. my advice to you is you can make it. don't depend on a man to take care of you. no one can ever take care of you or your children better than you can if your doing your best. Allow yourself to be free from that struggle and mental bondage that's keeping you from soaring in life because you can make it. I am and so can you!! Be blessed!! you can do it!!

Helen - posted on 02/05/2014

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wow girl. I hope you can be strong. my ex abused me for 6 years. Not my sons dad. He died, but after him. I let my son see some of it and that was enough for me to know it was over,but I still took 2 years to do it once and for all. But life is good now and you have to be strong. Dont get put in hospital like I did.

Lacye - posted on 12/11/2012

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I hate to say this, but from the sound of it, he has probably moved on anyways. The fact that he doesn't spend time with you o the kids, he has moved out due to personal issues, and the fact that you just admitted that he is an abusive person, just makes it seem like you aren't the only person he's doing this to in his life. It's time to end this relationship before you or the kids get seriously hurt.



Try to reconnect with your family. Let them know what has been going on and you regret how you have been isolating yourself from them. I'm sure they will understand.



And take that asshole to court! Your children deserves to have that child support. Just because you and their father are not together, does not mean he is just allowed to skip out of his responsibilities.

Holly - posted on 12/11/2012

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no woman should EVER have to put up with that... if you divorce him you can request that your child support be deducted from his wages, and you would be guaranteed CS regardless of what he WANTS to give you... i say find a lawyer... get this done! don't even give him heads up, so that you are prepared and he can't do anything to sway the results... do not fall for his false apologies... i ALWAYS fell for my ex's apologies... abuse is NEVER ok, even if he says you've provoked him

Jocelyn - posted on 12/11/2012

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Wow! what u just said about ur ex is exactly the same as mine. That is why we dont live together!

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