Single mom worried about her 9 1/2 year old Daughter!

Dei - posted on 11/08/2014 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My daughter is just 9 1/2 years old and she just started her menstrual cycle a few days ago. She seems to be ok with it but a little embarrassed. I do not want her to get any sort of negativity from this. I am not sure I am feeling comfortable with how her father is dealing with this. She started on Thursday and then went with her dad for the weekend on Friday. My daughter did not want me to tell him but was ok with me telling his fiance. Well they made that not happen. They were too busy with preparing for things in their own lives to have her contact me. I had to explain to him without totally saying what was going on so I did not break my promise to my daughter. And to honest he did not really want to know and once he guessed he was clueless and did not want to deal with it. I want to make sure she has someone to go to at his house that she feels safe going to and I also want to make sure she feels comfortable with taking care of her issues. When I text to ask if she is ok I just get "she's good. no issues". Well that makes me feel much better.... totally being sarcastic about that. I know my daughter felt uncomfortable telling me about this while other family members were around... she made sure we were alone. Now her father just made a comment that she likes his fiance so she will not have a problem going to her. SERIOUSLY!!!! My daughter has known this woman only a few months. I would say that she has actually been in her presence like 20 times or so. I like this woman... but if my daughter feels uncomfortable telling me around her aunt she has know all her life why would he expect her to feel totally comfortable going to someone she barely knows, even if she is a very nice lady. I wanted to talk to her so she could initiate a conversation with my daughter to establish a comfort zone. I know my daughter will hesitate about going to her first. I know my daughter will be ok but I am afraid she will feel uncomfortable. I am afraid she will sit and suffer through some of the stuff because of this. I do not think she deserves to go through this alone because of all this.

I worry about alot of things when it comes to her father. I have to admit that as of late I have been worried he is going to try to fight for custody or something. He has been asking to see her more often. At the beginning if I did not take her to see him it would not have happened. She was 6 before he really started interacting with her without me being there too. Now I have to be honest here.. if it were not for my daughter this man would be someone that I would NOT have any interaction with ever again. I takes alot of my energy to be civil with him. He was a horrible partner to me but so far he has been an ok "fun" dad. He tries to be a good dad. He is not the worst but NOT the best.

Almost a year ago he started setting her in the front seat in her booster. She is shorter than average for her age and she only weighs 60 lbs. I mentioned to him casually about being uncomfortable with her sitting in the front. I looked up the laws and sent him and email about these laws.... several times. When this started he was only picking her up like once a month or less. At the end of the summer he started asking to get her like every weekend. My daughter overheard me talking to another parent about this because the other parent ask me if I knew the laws because her husband also puts their daughter in the front seat. Well my daughter started asking me questions on the way home ... so I explained my fears and the laws to her. She likes sitting in the front but she went to her dad and told him she would prefer to sit in the back. I am so proud of her but this is just confirmation that her dad wants to be the "fun" dad.

I wonder if my daughter could be stressed out about all of this and that is why she maybe got her period so early? Maybe it is just normal. I got my first period a few days before my 11th bday. She would not say she is a typical candidate for getting it early ... she is small and she has not showed other signs like pubic hair or boobs. But I was small too. Has anyone else experienced this? Is it likely she will start having her period every month or could it be this time and not for awhile? Any good reading materials for her to read? I am open and honest with her. She has always known what a period is. I get absolutely not privacy from her.

We were discussing things like if we should tell the teacher and the nurse. I think it is a good idea but my daughter is a little apprehensive because she is still embarrassed. I think it would be beneficial to have someone know that she can go to at the school. Any ideas? I don't want her to feel it is a horrible secretive nasty thing. But I don't want her to feel she has to tell everyone. I don't think she should tell any of her friends because kids at this age are horrible with secrets. And really good at teasing.

Any suggestions and ideas and thoughts would be helpful.
Dei

3 Comments

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Brittany - posted on 11/19/2014

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I am glad to hear that she is feeling more comfortable. I think it's great that you are there to talk to her about that. That is important for her to know that she can talk to you.

Live, Laugh, and Cantor on

Dei - posted on 11/12/2014

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Brittany, thank you for replying. Yes I have talked to her doctor. Everything with her seems normal so far just early. I still worry and it is nice to talk with other that may have gone through the same thing.

My daughter has dealt with this very well, she is amazing. I have always been open and honest with her about things. She is just worried mostly about being teased at school by fellow students. She does not plan to tell any of her fellow students. I know this is for the best but it is quite disheartening because she does not have anyone her age to really talk about this too. I know I went through the same thing but I also was not comfortable talking to my mother .... well maybe it was more that my mother was uncomfortable talking about it and I definitely knew that.

I was hoping to find a really good book she would read and then ask me questions about things that I might have not covered in away she understands. I just want this to be comfortable for her. And I also want her not to feel ashamed of it and avoid taking care of herself because of this shame or embarrassment.

She has been so amazing through all of this and is handling it very well, I am so proud of her. We have discussed this with her teacher and the nurse at the school.. and now she feels more comfortable about how to handle things at school with more comfort. Because at first she did not want to change at school because she was embarrassed about taking stuff to the restroom... now that she is more comfortable she will change more often which is healthier.

I will look into the suggested video and books, thank you for the suggestions.

Brittany - posted on 11/11/2014

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I am so sorry to hear about the stress that is going on. Have you talked to your daughter's doctor at all? I don't know anything about if it will stop for a while or anything like that. I would recommend speaking with her doctor and getting physical etc.

Dr. Walt Larimore has a broadcast on Talking to Your Daughter about Puberty that you can listen to online. That may be helpful. There's a book called Bloom by Susie Shellenberger that is a Girl's Guide to Growing up. You might also find the book Candid Conversations with Connie: A Girl's Guide to Growing up by Kathy Buchanan helpful.

Live, Laugh, and Cantor on

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