Single Mother to My First Child need advice on giving her HIS last name!

Kelly - posted on 12/14/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )




Hello Mama's! I am new to this site and also a New Mommy to be :) I am 6 months, expecting a Beautiful baby girl :) and the father is Not in the picture & I am having some trouble deciding if I should give my daughter his last name or keep her w/ mine. Any Advice?! It just breaks my heart for when she's older & asks questions...
Thank you!!


View replies by

Razia - posted on 05/13/2014




Hey there congratulations on the beautiful baby girl, I wish you and your little one all the best in the future.

I advise you to put your daughter on your name because if you put her on his name you will have to get his permission to do certain things with or for her, such as if you would like to take out a grant for her or take her to certain places you will need him present or written permission from him saying that he allows you to do that.

And well for her asking questions when she is older just be honest with her tell her on a need to know bases who he is and assure her that she will always have you and that you will love her for both your part and his because with one parent gone you don't want her to think that she could lose another, other then that we can just hope and pray that she will be satisfied with what you told her.

Good luck and welcome to motherhood :-)

Hmlouise - posted on 12/14/2013




If he's not in the picture for you now, he's unlikely to be in the picture in the future for you and your LO.

I suggest you give your LO your last name. That way, there's no difficult conversations of why her last name is different. You can choose when to bring up her father.

Ev - posted on 12/14/2013




First, congrats on the new one.

Second, you can give her any last name that you want to. It is up to you unless dad comes back suddenly and wants to have a say in it and I know that will cause issues. My sis had her daughter alone, and in doing so, my father talked her into giving my niece a family last name....our maiden name. Our father's last name. My niece's father never came to see her, never called about her or contacted her and when he did send child support she was almost 15 years old. He never fought it.

Third, some advice when your little one starts to ask questions after the father: Be honest. Be open to the questions. Answer them with enough information for her age but you do not have to divulge everything. Just the facts that pertain to him such as his name, and how long you knew him. She does not need to know why he left as it was more to do with the two of you than her unless you feel the need wait until she is much older. If she asks what he thought of becoming a father, that also should be for when she is older unless she begs....its a hard question to deal with and depending on the situation at the time, you may not want to tell her at all and do say that things were such that you feel its not something she needs to know. If she asks to see him and you do not know where he is, tell her so. But also tell her if she decides to try to locate him that she should not expect that he will want to see her after all he left and did not want the relationship. Tell her he could also decide to meet her the one time and leave it at that or try to have some relationship with her but it will be up to him.

Fourth: Most important that it protects her. Set up custody visitation and child support. Make sure that you do this as soon as you can when she is born. This protects her in that it sets up custody as her mother, and visitation so her father can have time with her if he changes his mind in the distant future and the child support will come in to help with her needs and care. It also protects you and him too making you both have to follow the orders set by the court and if something goes wrong you can take him or he can take you back to make sure the orders are enforced.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms