Sister in law

Wendy - posted on 12/13/2014 ( 14 moms have responded )

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We fell out ages ago, no big deal. I have one kid with present husband and two with prior. Sister in law has stopped xmas and bday presents to my previous kids and only gives to my little one with her brother.
All 3 kids are very close, there is no talk of half brother/sister.
It's really pissing me off/
What to do?

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/15/2014

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Your two children from a previous relationship aren't your SIL's family, in techincal terms.

No one is REQUIRED to give anyone a damn thing, either...What about the word GIFT is misunderstood here? One does not demand gifts, one does not expect gifts.

Teach your children that gifts are given, not expected, not required.

Get over your 'hurt feelings'. Your current SIL is under no obligation, moral or otherwise, to recognize your children from a previous relationship. It would be nice if she would, but it's not required.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/14/2014

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I would not be sending your nephews presents to "shame" your SIL for being a "bitch". I would be sending presents because you love them and are in a giving spirit because it is Christmas. If you only want to send presents out of spite, then just don't do it. That in my eyes is just as bad as how she is being. You both need to grow up. It is not about the 2 of you, it is about the children. Sit down and talk it out. Get over yourselves.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/15/2014

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Sarah, I see her point as well, but the global situation needs to be addressed.

Yes, it's irritating when extended family chooses not to recognize children from other relationships, but one must realize that we cannot force others to act or be the way that we want them to be.

Personally, to me, family is family. There is no step, half, or otherwise in my families. All of the kids are treated equally, all of the members are respected. Technically, one of my brothers is adoped AND step to me...but that matters not in our family.

However, each family is different, and more importantly, each individual is different. Rather than the OP being pissed off because she has different ideas than SIL, she needs to adapt and move on. The bigger deal she makes now, the more distress for everyone else later.

Michelle - posted on 12/15/2014

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I understand what she is talking about, Sarah. The children don't see each other as "half" siblings; however, she also needs to realize that children will get gifts from various people in their lives in general, and those people might not know all the children or have any sentimental connection to them at all. That is why I gave my examples, and what I do with the kids and their gifts. Rather than OP seeing it as a (distant/estranged) relative favoriting one child, it might help her to see it as someone just giving a gift to someone with whom she has a connection.

Sarah - posted on 12/15/2014

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While I agree with the idea behind teaching our kids that gifts are just that, gifts. They are neither deserved, nor earned. I don't know if that is what the OP meant in her post. Yes she mentions gifts, but I think the true message is she is frustrated in the disparity of treatment between her kids. Maybe if suggestions to that effect could be made, it would help her more than a lecture on gifts and selfishness.

Michelle - posted on 12/15/2014

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Just to give you a little perspective:

I have a 4 y.o. in preschool. Last week, he went on various field trips with his class. He has 4 Christmas presents already under the tree! None of his older or younger siblings got gifts, nor would I expect them to.

Christmas gifts are a privilege, not a right. Sometimes, all of you will get something from someone, other times, none of you, and like your situation, only some will. There's nothing wrong with any of the scenarios.

However, in my household, if it is something that can be shared, I do tell them that they must share. For example, when one of my kids gets a game (or candy), I let them open it and play with it first, but I tell them they must share with everyone. It's just a policy I have in my home.

Good luck!

Amy - posted on 12/14/2014

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I actually don't think anyone is entitled to presents. If you want to buy for your nephew because he's "family" then do it, if you don't want to but for him don't. What does your husband have to say about the situation? I personally would just let it go, her view of family is different then yours, to me it's not worth the fight.

Wendy - posted on 12/14/2014

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Fair comments. I've bored myself even
The reality is all kids should get presents from family. Regardless of your perception of family

Wendy - posted on 12/14/2014

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Wow. That's tough. I guess it's a case of turning the other cheek
What happened to the joy of giving.
10 is hardly grown up

Sarah - posted on 12/13/2014

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I agree, treat me like crap just don't take it out on my kids. My MIL for some reason resents my third and fourth kids. She had three (I am married to her youngest). She made it clear that she thinks we should have quit at two. Her other two older kids each have one boy and one girl. My hubby and I got married when the other grand-kids were all between 4-10 yo, and we had our first son when they were then 8 thru 14.
I had a boy and then a girl....so we were done, in her eyes. Well we chose to have two more. She always makes awful comments about how old we will be when out 10yo goes off to college, how expensive it is to have a big family, how if there weren't so many of us she takes us out to dinner or on vacation.
Around to Christmas, so now all of the first grand-kids are adults, mine are 18, 15, 13 and 10. She has decided since everyone is "grown up" she is not giving gifts anymore. Only her new Great grand-babies will be receiving gifts. It hurts.

Wendy - posted on 12/13/2014

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Halves .. Full... We are all family. I'm married to her brother so she ignores my kids from prior marriage.
Would my teenage son rescue his full sister from a fire first? No we are a family
Do I take the high road and send her boys a present fir Xmas and thus shame her for being a bitch ?
Hate me. Love my kids
Love. Don't hate

Sarah - posted on 12/13/2014

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She is your current SIL, so not related to the other two kids personally, but her nephew is a half sibling? Right? I don't know what you can do, except ask her to not give any of the kids gifts or give one gift to the whole lot. It is unkind of her to take it out on the kids.

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