Some advice on Custody, Child Support, and Visitation.

Ev - posted on 12/02/2015 ( 117 moms have responded )

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I have read many posts on custody issues, child support issues, and visitation issues. I have also read many posts where the mom wants to be the one to determine the father's role in the life of the child/ren. I know a few other ladies who have also read them too as they have answered a good deal of the same ones I have. I thought it might be wise to post something that might be of help to all who are coming to terms with these issues.

1) The child or children have a right to a relationship to both parents. It is not up to one parent or another to decide when or if the other parents sees the kids. It is called parental alienation if you keep the child or children away. The other parent can take it to court and mom or dad can loose custody to the other parent trying to see the kids.

2) When you find yourself pregnant with a child plan to set custody, child support, and visitation as soon as you can after the birth of the child. This helps to define the roles of both parents and what their obligations are to the child or children, gives the children set times to spend with each parent to establish bonds and relationships, and makes sure all adults are party to the expectations set for them by the court.

3) No piece of paper you and the other parent come up with and have notarized is legal. Its just a bargain you two have made and has no bearing in court unless you do bring it to the judge to sign off on to make it a legal document about the custody etc of the kids. At this point either parent can keep the kids and not give them back. And police will not do anything unless there is a court order involved in the situations.

4) Stick to the court orders. To not do so can land you back in court and getting in trouble with the judge and he or she can make changes they feel are good for the children in their eyes.
5) Visitation and Child Support are separate issues and have to be handled alone. Just because a parent does not meet the child support does not mean the other parent has the rights to withhold the visits for non-payments. Visitation can be something the judge sets in stone or is on a suggested schedule given from the court that lays out the visitation process. In some cases, the parents can alter it to fit their needs due to work or other instances beyond their control or to give each parent more time with kids. In the instance that the judge sets it in stone, you have to abide by it totally.

6) Joint custody--Joint custody as an option is definitely better for the kids. It might be set up as half time with one parent for the month and half time with the other parent the other half of the month and could be done 2 week intervals or 1 week intervals. There are other forms of joint custody where one parent has majority primary care but both parents have legal say in what goes on with the kids. Sometimes legal say is left to one parent. These choices are dependent on the laws, the judge's concerns for the interest of the children and the parents' cooperation. Joint custody does not have to be hard on anyone. In a real sense it could be the easiest of the whole custody setups.

7) Primary custody is not solely given to the mother anymore. I know this for fact. When I divorced back in 2002, the lawyer I had said that dads were starting to gain primary care more and more. Its not because the mother is bad and or unfit. Its because the judges are seeing that fathers do have just as important a role in the child's life as the mother. So ladies who think that the man is not good enough to take care of a kid because she feels he is immature, can not do it or whatever reason for not wanting him to take the kids for even visits; those reasons are unfounded. A mother does not know what a father is capable of. He has to learn to care for a child just as you had to learn the day you gave birth. A mother is not all knowing the moment her child is born. She has to learn to care for a child. If a man wants to father his own child, he can do it. He just needs the chance to learn how and the chance to do it.

8) Moving the kids away. Usually when either parent decides it is time to move and they have kids with someone else, it just can not happen right then and there. The parent wanting to move has to get it cleared through the court and with the other parent. Moving kids away can make the visitation harder for the other parent if they can not afford to make the trips for pickup and drop off of the kids and even other reasons such as not having their scheduled time if the move is several hundreds of miles away. The other parent can contest the move and the judge may just not allow it. Unless the judge deems the reason for the move a good one, most likely it can not happen.

9) Step parents. This does happen all the time. Each parent moves on and sometimes marries again. That is not a bad thing. But what needs to happen is that the step parents and parents be on the same page for the kids' sakes. Its not about the adults and how things fit in their lives and so on but what the kids needs are. All of them should sit down and discuss the visits, vacation times, and holidays and come up with a way to work out getting the kids back and forth, who will do the pickup and drop off, and anything else that pertains to this. In perfect world, it would work all the time but it does not. It is primary work of the parents to decide when, where and how things need to work. Step parents are a support. Also on the subject of step parents, they are now part of the family and should be treated at the least respectfully by the parents. They are not a babysitter. They are not supposed to drop their plans to handle a situation with the kids unless they agree to it. They do have say in their house on how they expect things to be and to be shown respect by the kids. THey should be allowed to attend any and all functions the kids have going on. They should be allowed to voice anything they see as concerns or ideas to the parents and then let the parents make the final choices. They are a support for the families. I am not saying you have to like them, be the best friend types, or anything else: I am saying to be polite and respectful towards them as they are now part of your kids' lives.

10) Girlfriends/Boyfriends. This should have been before the step parents but its here. When a parent starts dating again, they need to keep in mind their kids. Do not start introducing every date to kids. Its not fair to them because they can attach to someone so easy. And then if that person suddenly is not there anymore, they get heartbroken. Wait until you have dated a time before an introduction, 6 months or a year. Give yourself time to get over your previous relationship as well. It is hard for these changes to take place with breaking up the family and so on let alone having a new man or woman in your life.

11) Calling the step parent "mom" or "dad". It is an issue for a lot of people. Calling a step parent mom or dad can be quite upsetting to either parent. If a child is young (under three or four years) they will call anyone mom or dad. If they feel close to this person they will say it. Its is up to parents to talk about this issue and decide ahead of time how the kids will address step parents or even BF or GF. If a child is much older, a first name is good enough. No need to force the issue with them.

12) Living together unmarried. As far as I have heard, in most custody and or visitation orders, parents should not be cohabiting with someone they are not related to or married to. If it is in the orders follow it. It sends a lot of weird messages to the kids. I know that a lot of people disregard this and do it anyway.

13) Talking about the other parent. Talking about the other parent is okay as long as it is not in the negative. The kids do not need to hear this as it upsets them. My kids had to hear it from their dad and step mom about me for example. I had to pick up the pieces and my kids were in their teens and preteens at the time. Its not easy having your parents divorce or split, but it makes it worse when the parents are talked about in a negative way.

14) READ CAREFULLY: This is the most important thing I am going to say here about kids and divorce or split families and custody. THE KIDS SUFFER THE MOST. They never had a say in any of this nor did they ask for it. Its harder on them because they have to do as they are told such as which parent to live with for example and which parent they will see only on weekends and vacation times. Their worlds have been torn apart by the adults in their lives. They have had to maybe move to a new place to live and start over. Their emotions are raw and open wounds. They want their parents together again though it won't happen. They can not understand the reasons why their parents are not together anymore. Keep them in the foremost part of your mind during this time. They need you more than you need a man or woman in your life.

NOTE: This is just advice. Its not legal advice but just a general idea of how things are done and should be done. If you live in one state and the custody is set there do not try to do it in another state to get the kids with you. All states have their own laws on family law especially divorce, custody, visitation and child support. Just work it out in the state the family was in first and go by that state's laws. It is better than a messy case in two states that do not agree on who has the kids and who does not.

ALSO: Kids are not pawns or objects that are owned. If you do not want to parent a child with someone in particular, then do not get married to them or sleep with them for you will be attached via the child for 18 years at the minimum.

I did not do this to attack anyone. I did this to make some points and offer some insight. Kids deserve better than what they do get.

If you feel something has been left out please by all means add to it.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Trista - posted on 12/10/2015

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i agree with most of this. However not all children are hurt because mom and dad are not together. My mom left my father when I was 4 because he beat her he was an alcoholic and raped her which is how my little brother came about. I never gave my father a second thought growing up. I am 29 and I recently saw my father who is sober now. He told me all of the horrible things he had done and how sorry he was. My point is every family is different every situation is definitely not the same. Sometimes a split up is the answer and sometime you don't know at the beginning that is going to happen down the road. There is never a guarantee when you pick someone you think you are going to spend forever with. That said I do see people using there kids as weapons and pawns and it makes me sick on that point you are exactly right. If both parents love that child and provide a stable environment then they should both have rights and they shouldn't be fighting to take those kids away from a parent that loves them. Unfortunately that isn't every situation and it never will be. I also agree you shouldn't drag new men or women into your kids lives or move them in with your kids and yourself that is confusing for them. I have been single since I left my sons father. I don't date my kids are my life they are the men in my life. oh and the whole don't sleep with someone or plan to have kids with someone until you know its who are going to marry. Good advice but that doesn't always mean it is going to work out or that that person won't turn out to be horrible for you down the road. Also kids may be hurt if there parent split up but they can also be hurt by parent who stay together for the kids and fight all the time. Overall great post good point of view there but every situation is different

Oswald - posted on 12/07/2016

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You're so right !! I'm a father of an 8 month old baby boy in nyc. Myself and his mom broke up because I asked her to let me see my son but she won't. I sent her a text saying that no judge would prevent a father from seeing his child. Guess she didn't understand US laws concerning child custody. She claimed that l assulted her 1 week before she gave birth (birth of our son was 3/27/16). She filed all kinds of false allegations in a temporary restraining order ( NYC). So far I received 2 visitations by court order ( l have 4 in total). We go back to court q2/19/16). At the end of the I want to a part of my son's life from now at this tender age of his until l die ( inevitable for all of us living as well as those not here as yet) . I grew up without a dad , I was very hurt by the little experience l witnessed when l was at the tender age of aboujt 4 .Some adults have absolutely no idea how their actions impact children. I promised myself , when l grow up and have children of my own , I'll be a good father to them . I've made mistakes along this bumpy road of life that l created on my own, but , regardless , I'm promised to be a better father to my children that my dad was to me . My child's mom is from Eastt Africa , I'm from South America ( Northern part of South America )

Ev - posted on 12/02/2016

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Kristine--While I understand your concerns and worries over your child's well being she has every right to know her father and her father has every right to know her since he has tried in the past to get some sort of relationship going. YOU can not stop it because she asks for it. And you did. You withheld the child from her father off and on in the past and instead of getting this taken care of from the beginning, you took control and decided when or if he saw her when he did make the attempts. He has as much right as you to seek out custody, visitation, child support and so forth. If you had 12 years ago sought all this you would not be in this mess now. Get a lawyer and stop not doing what you should have done. I am not trying to be mean about this but am trying to help you.

Jodi - posted on 02/14/2016

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The child support office doesn't actually rule on things like this. Only the courts do. However, given the age of your son, and the complications with regard to his feeding, his father would generally only win access on small amounts at a time initially. He should be able to have some level of unsupervised access unless there is a danger to the child, but at this age, it may only be a few hours at a time. This will increase as baby needs you less, and you should consider perhaps pumping after each feeding and freezing breastmilk so dad can take baby for longer. Eventually, especially once the child is over 12 months, you will need to step up to some overnight visits. Basically, the visitation should step up as baby becomes more independent.

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Shannon - posted on 11/12/2017

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I am a Mother of a energetic, loving, Heaven sent little 5 year old boy. I was with his dad for 5 years. In that 5 years his dad got a DWI, yet he did not blow into the breathalizer and because I decided not to go to court and testify against him, he only had his liscense suspended. There were 4 too many times, when my son had to witness his dad crossing the line of drinking too much and police officers coming to the home. I was told if I stayed he would buy me a car in his name and maybe an engadgement ring. I left and took out a loan in my own name. His dad and I wound up in a child custody battle. His dad decided to step out of our sons life for 4 months!!! I would text him on a weekly basis please contact our son, he didnt. He makes over 100,000 dollars a year and at one point he was sending me 250$ a week. After the judge agreed to the little amount of time his dad wanted to see our son, i signed it. His dad since started giving me 300$ a week and due to his new girlfriend, less visitation and had my son sleeping on a sofa while her son a 9 year old bullying boy had his own room!!! When i said something to his dad, he now has the boys sleeping in the same bed!!!y sons behaviour has recently been reclusive and angry, his dad told me he does not want to see our son until I fix his issues. He lied and picked our son up from school, I only know because I waited at the bus stop and my son did not get off of the bus. His mother finally contacted me to let me know she was with him!!! His dad also lied on the birth certificate for my son saying he was not on Medicaid, when we were!!! For the first year of his birth I recieved WIC. I had no idea how much $ his dad was making at that time!!! Now my son needs to be enrolled in counselling, a sport and some child care. I am hesitant to go back to court because the last time he hired a lawyer who had a lambragini with winning on his liscence plates. I believe he would rather hurt me and try and get custody of my son than pay what he is supposed to. What would you do???

Shannon - posted on 11/12/2017

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I am a Mother of a energetic, loving, Heaven sent little 5 year old boy. I was with his dad for 5 years. In that 5 years his dad got a DWI, yet he did not blow into the breathalizer and because I decided not to go to court and testify against him, he only had his liscense suspended. There were 4 too many times, when my son had to witness his dad crossing the line of drinking too much and police officers coming to the home. I was told if I stayed he would buy me a car in his name and maybe an engadgement ring. I left and took out a loan in my own name. His dad and I wound up in a child custody battle. His dad decided to step out of our sons life for 4 months!!! I would text him on a weekly basis please contact our son, he didnt. He makes over 100,000 dollars a year and at one point he was sending me 250$ a week. After the judge agreed to the little amount of time his dad wanted to see our son, i signed it. His dad since started giving me 300$ a week and due to his new girlfriend, less visitation and had my son sleeping on a sofa while her son a 9 year old bullying boy had his own room!!! When i said something to his dad, he now has the boys sleeping in the same bed!!!y sons behaviour has recently been reclusive and angry, his dad told me he does not want to see our son until I fix his issues. He lied and picked our son up from school, I only know because I waited at the bus stop and my son did not get off of the bus. His mother finally contacted me to let me know she was with him!!! His dad also lied on the birth certificate for my son saying he was not on Medicaid, when we were!!! For the first year of his birth I recieved WIC. I had no idea how much $ his dad was making at that time!!! Now my son needs to be enrolled in counselling, a sport and some child care. I am hesitant to go back to court because the last time he hired a lawyer who had a lambragini with winning on his liscence plates. I believe he would rather hurt me and try and get custody of my son than pay what he is supposed to. What would you do???

Sarah - posted on 10/27/2017

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Sarah - posted on 10/27/2017

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Good news!!! Hello everyone. My name is Sarah Woods. I hope everyone who has a good day, I am very happy with this, so I want everyone to know what Prophet Solution (prophetsolutiontemple @ gmail . com) did for me and my family. I was having a happy and quiet marriage with two children over 5 years old. My husband was too charming and caring. But things got sour when my husband started putting it aside and coming home late at night. I never knew he was having an affair with another woman, he stopped paying attention to me and the kids. It was truly devastating and heartbreaking to see love drifting away from our family. I complained to a friend of mine who introduced me to a Prophet's Solution, who helped her at some point, but I doubted it, because I never believed in voodoo or spell casting, but because I was desperate, it gave me a chance. I contacted him, told him everything, said he will help save my husband and my marriage. I did it and I provide what I need for this one and that's it !!!!!! My husband came home one night crying, apologizing. It was like a miracle, as if it were spellbinding before. I am so happy that he helped save my marriage, thanks to the prophet's solution.

Do not suffer when there is a solution. You can contact him through: prophetsolutiontemple @ gmail. com

You can also help with the following:
(1) IF YOU WANT YOUR EX girlfriend / BOYFRIEND TO GO BACK TO YOU
(2) If you want your spouse to RETURN
(3) IF YOU WANT TO BE PROMOTED IN OFFICE
(4) If you want your man or woman to love you only
(5) IF YOU WANT A CHILD (sterile / sterile)
(6) IF YOU WANT TO BE RICH
(7) If you want your husband / wife to be yours forever
(8) Having a Marriage Delay
(9) IF YOU WANT TO WIN A COURT CASE
(10) Marriage commitment
(11) IF YOU CAN NOT impregnate A WOMAN (sterile)
(12) cure all types of diseases
(13) complete cure for HIV / AIDS
And more...

Contact him now at: prophetsolutiontempl e@ gmail. com

Sarah - posted on 10/27/2017

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Good news!!! Hello everyone. My name is Sarah Woods. I hope everyone who has a good day, I am very happy with this, so I want everyone to know what Prophet Solution (prophetsolutiontemple @ gmail . com) did for me and my family. I was having a happy and quiet marriage with two children over 5 years old. My husband was too charming and caring. But things got sour when my husband started putting it aside and coming home late at night. I never knew he was having an affair with another woman, he stopped paying attention to me and the kids. It was truly devastating and heartbreaking to see love drifting away from our family. I complained to a friend of mine who introduced me to a Prophet's Solution, who helped her at some point, but I doubted it, because I never believed in voodoo or spell casting, but because I was desperate, it gave me a chance. I contacted him, told him everything, said he will help save my husband and my marriage. I did it and I provide what I need for this one and that's it !!!!!! My husband came home one night crying, apologizing. It was like a miracle, as if it were spellbinding before. I am so happy that he helped save my marriage, thanks to the prophet's solution.

Do not suffer when there is a solution. You can contact him through: prophetsolutiontemple @ gmail. com

You can also help with the following:
(1) IF YOU WANT YOUR EX girlfriend / BOYFRIEND TO GO BACK TO YOU
(2) If you want your spouse to RETURN
(3) IF YOU WANT TO BE PROMOTED IN OFFICE
(4) If you want your man or woman to love you only
(5) IF YOU WANT A CHILD (sterile / sterile)
(6) IF YOU WANT TO BE RICH
(7) If you want your husband / wife to be yours forever
(8) Having a Marriage Delay
(9) IF YOU WANT TO WIN A COURT CASE
(10) Marriage commitment
(11) IF YOU CAN NOT impregnate A WOMAN (sterile)
(12) cure all types of diseases
(13) complete cure for HIV / AIDS
And more...

Contact him now at: prophetsolutiontempl e@ gmail. com

Sarah - posted on 10/27/2017

9

0

0

Good news!!! Hello everyone. My name is Sarah Woods. I hope everyone who has a good day, I am very happy with this, so I want everyone to know what Prophet Solution (prophetsolutiontemple@gmail.com) did for me and my family. I was having a happy and quiet marriage with two children over 5 years old. My husband was too charming and caring. But things got sour when my husband started putting it aside and coming home late at night. I never knew he was having an affair with another woman, he stopped paying attention to me and the kids. It was truly devastating and heartbreaking to see love drifting away from our family. I complained to a friend of mine who introduced me to a Prophet's Solution, who helped her at some point, but I doubted it, because I never believed in voodoo or spell casting, but because I was desperate, it gave me a chance. I contacted him, told him everything, said he will help save my husband and my marriage. I did it and I provide what I need for this one and that's it !!!!!! My husband came home one night crying, apologizing. It was like a miracle, as if it were spellbinding before. I am so happy that he helped save my marriage, thanks to the prophet's solution.

Do not suffer when there is a solution. You can contact him through: prophetsolutiontemple@gmail.com

You can also help with the following:
(1) IF YOU WANT YOUR EX girlfriend / BOYFRIEND TO GO BACK TO YOU
(2) If you want your spouse to RETURN
(3) IF YOU WANT TO BE PROMOTED IN OFFICE
(4) If you want your man or woman to love you only
(5) IF YOU WANT A CHILD (sterile / sterile)
(6) IF YOU WANT TO BE RICH
(7) If you want your husband / wife to be yours forever
(8) Having a Marriage Delay
(9) IF YOU WANT TO WIN A COURT CASE
(10) Marriage commitment
(11) IF YOU CAN NOT impregnate A WOMAN (sterile)
(12) cure all types of diseases
(13) complete cure for HIV / AIDS
And more...

Contact him now at: prophetsolutiontemple@gmail.com

Sarah - posted on 10/27/2017

9

0

0

Good news!!! Hello everyone. My name is Sarah Woods. I hope everyone who has a good day, I am very happy with this, so I want everyone to know what Prophet Solution (prophetsolutiontemple@gmail.com) did for me and my family. I was having a happy and quiet marriage with two children over 5 years old. My husband was too charming and caring. But things got sour when my husband started putting it aside and coming home late at night. I never knew he was having an affair with another woman, he stopped paying attention to me and the kids. It was truly devastating and heartbreaking to see love drifting away from our family. I complained to a friend of mine who introduced me to a Prophet's Solution, who helped her at some point, but I doubted it, because I never believed in voodoo or spell casting, but because I was desperate, it gave me a chance. I contacted him, told him everything, said he will help save my husband and my marriage. I did it and I provide what I need for this one and that's it !!!!!! My husband came home one night crying, apologizing. It was like a miracle, as if it were spellbinding before. I am so happy that he helped save my marriage, thanks to the prophet's solution.

Do not suffer when there is a solution. You can contact him through: prophetsolutiontemple@gmail.com

You can also help with the following:
(1) IF YOU WANT YOUR EX girlfriend / BOYFRIEND TO GO BACK TO YOU
(2) If you want your spouse to RETURN
(3) IF YOU WANT TO BE PROMOTED IN OFFICE
(4) If you want your man or woman to love you only
(5) IF YOU WANT A CHILD (sterile / sterile)
(6) IF YOU WANT TO BE RICH
(7) If you want your husband / wife to be yours forever
(8) Having a Marriage Delay
(9) IF YOU WANT TO WIN A COURT CASE
(10) Marriage commitment
(11) IF YOU CAN NOT impregnate A WOMAN (sterile)
(12) cure all types of diseases
(13) complete cure for HIV / AIDS
And more...

Contact him now at: prophetsolutiontemple@gmail.com

Christiana - posted on 09/06/2017

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Hi !i needed help
My work hours can't pick up my son half day from school .
Send him to full day but my ex dun want share the school fee . He said he work less he can't
And he not flexible to pick my kids up too
What can I do
So stress now 😭

Joni - posted on 08/30/2017

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I am a grandmother with custody if grandchildren. This Father's child is 3 years old. He has no court ordered visitation.I have tried to work with him, he is arrogant to the point he tells me when he will see her. As I said he has been absent maybe seen her 5 times in 3 years. I feel he needs to spend one on one with her, I can not allow him to take her alone . He has been threatening to take her. I tried one day perfect day for him to spend time at my home. I requested he come alone cause he wants to bring other daughter to me as a buffer.I believe he should make his own bond before involving other child. My home my request I have no objection to other child just not before she is comfortable with him and I am comfortable allowing visits. Is this too much to ask. He is very demanding and arrogant . I might add he and my daughter were never married. Am I being unreasonable with my request and.visits. This dad wants to come every morning, every Sunday. Drop by before work give her a hug. To me is intrusive . Any advice would be appreciated. Thank You Desperate grandmother.

Ev - posted on 08/29/2017

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He still is their dad regardless. My kids dad was not the best either and he was there physically but not mentally. They spend the majority of their time in his care because we agreed to joint custody and him the primary care parent because I did not have the money to fight him in court over custody and they had had enough already. He gave them what they needed--food, clothing, shelter-- but not what they really should have had.

Your kids' father was in prison. He did not have access to do the things a dad can and should do for his kids outside of prison. I am not saying he does or does not care but the kids do need to have a chance at a relationship with him if they want it. By discouraging it, you are being negative about their dad. One day he could decide to really try to get his rights with his kids, what would you do?

And how do you know he does not care? Can you read his mind? 12 years in jail is a long time and not having access to the kids is also a point to look at because maybe he does not know how to go about this even though it has been a couple years since he got out. He is also trying to build some sort of life. It is a lot to work through.

Granted step dad took up the reins as father to your kids but they should have a chance to decide for themselves about their dad. You really need to check with court orders and lawyers before you tell them they can do something and then they are not considered old enough to do so.

Melanie - posted on 08/28/2017

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He didn't care enough about his kids when he went to jail or if they going to be alright he hasn't done nothing for my kids in those years. My kids didn't stop growing and needing things. Where was the chance for my kids he is not fighting over visitation or even trying enough to see them. And why would I try to tell my kids they should try to spend time with him so my kids could get hurt by a sometime wanna be dad. and their step dad is more of a Dad to them than the"biodad"ever was

Ev - posted on 08/28/2017

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{{My kids are 12 and 14 and they decided that they don't want anything to do with their father since he was in prison since my 12 year old was still in my belly and didn't get out till just 2years ago.}}
~~~What do the court orders say or has he tried to petition for some sort of visitation?

{{ He just now started paying childsupport and would like to spend time with them, but since the kids don't want to I don't want to make them and it seems to me that he is not 100% into being a dad more when he wants to sometimes every other ​month am i wrong for it that I don't make them spend time with him.}}
~~~He has every right to try to have a relationship with them. You really need to revisit this with the courts to see what his rights are. You said the youngest was not even born when he went to prison. And since he was gone he has not had the chance to become a dad to his kids. You really should ask a lawyer this. They can tell you if the kids can have a say at their ages or not where you are located as far as dad having visits. If there is a visitation order set up, you can not let the kids decide if they want to go with him or not. It may be that they have to in the court orders. But check with a lawyer first.

{{ I tell my kids all the time that if they want to it's their right all I get is that they have a Dad already. My kids have a step dad and they see him as their dad, he stepped up to the plate football games cheerleading practice every thing that the biological father doesn't do I think the kids are old enough to make that decision!}
~~~~They may have a dad in the step father but he is not their bio dad. You need to encourage them to try at least to get to know their dad instead of telling them they do not have to see him. Dad could take this to court and fight for those visits. And you stated he was in prison for 12 years. He did not get the chance to parent those kids and just got out 2 years ago. When are you gonna give him a chance.

Melanie - posted on 08/28/2017

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My kids are 12 and 14 and they decided that they don't want anything to do with their father since he was in prison since my 12 year old was still in my belly and didn't get out till just 2years ago. He just now started paying childsupport and would like to spend time with them, but since the kids don't want to I don't want to make them and it seems to me that he is not 100% into being a dad more when he wants to sometimes every other ​month am i wrong for it that I don't make them spend time with him. I tell my kids all the time that if they want to it's their right all I get is that they have a Dad already. My kids have a step dad and they see him as their dad, he stepped up to the plate football games cheerleading practice every thing that the biological father doesn't do I think the kids are old enough to make that decision!

Ev - posted on 07/12/2017

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Lena--I have to agree with Michelle. My children did not get the good step mothers. But I am friends with ladies that are great step moms and are better for their step children than the bio mother is. It is the same with step dads...good and bad in every crowd.

Michelle - posted on 07/12/2017

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Lena: sorry you feel that way but it's not true. You may have had a bad experience but that doesn't mean it can't work.
I had 2 children from my 1st marriage and my ex husband and current husband get along great. My current husband loves the 2 older children as if they were his own. He doesn't treat our daughter any differently either.

Lena - posted on 06/26/2017

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Its just too bad that there isn't a law that you can't get involved with a man/woman with children.....it never pays off no matter how much you believe you can make things change or make things right. Never Never Never.......(unless the ex spouse is deceased) even then, it won't be as easy as you think. Sad

Kendra - posted on 06/22/2017

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The court system rips the children apart. Staying in a bad marriage is far worse and teaches children that they should stay in bad relationships. People are going to make mistakes the court system should stop sucking people and children dry. The more we split children in half the worse they will end up hating one parent.

Ev - posted on 04/21/2017

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This was in paragraphs, Amy. I numbered them to the topic of the paragraph. How is it hard to read?

Ev - posted on 12/02/2016

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I am glad you understand this but if you read this post I wrote here....you would see what should be done right away.

Kristine - posted on 12/02/2016

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I am very disturbed. As a woman who got to have a childhood with married parents, (50+ years for them now); I fully realize that it is beneficial to have both parents actively involved in a child's life. However, at the time I got pregnant with my daughter, almost 13 years ago, I have to admit that I didn't have the stellar taste in men that my mother did. I never married my daughter's biological father because he couldn't keep his promises to refrain from partying and drug use. Needless to say, his propensity for using left me holding up the financial and emotional end of the relationship in its entirety.

I left for good when my daughter was two months old.

Her biological father was too preoccupied with maintaining his lifestyle to bother with any sort of support and or visitation so my parents and I created a sound support system and even though We have not ever lived with them, they are a very important part of her life and her weekly routine. (As are they a large part of mine)

When my daughter was eight months old, I met the man I chose to be better the her father and my husband. We dated for some time and were married. Devastatingly, he was killed in an accident at work only 10 months later.

Thinking my four year old needed a father figure besides her Papa, I allowed her biological father to see her Friday nights to Saturday mornings. (By this time he was also married to a woman I liked and trusted; they had twins and were pregnant with their second pair.)

As my child turned about six, she began to dread her weekly visits with her dad, the crying would begin on Tuesday with "Do I have to go to my dad's this weekend"? It was devastating and I began to distrust his promises that he would allow her to call me if she was having emotional difficulties while in his care. At seven, one weekend I sent a trac (prepaid) phone with her because he was not letting her call me. She phoned Saturday morning at 6:30 a.m. And beseeched me to pick her up, which I did, immediately.

Upon waking and realizing that she was leaving, he became enraged and started to pound on my vehicle, scaring both my daughter and I. I instructed her to shut the door and I locked the car, as he was out of control with rage. I rolled down my window a bit to try and calm him, but he reached in and attempted to pull me from the vehicle. It was truly disturbing and I ended up with some lovely bruises, but they were nothing compared to the emotional trauma my daughter experienced.

At that point, I refused to have contact with him and I made arrangements with my parents that he could visit her at their house, but not remove her from their residence.
So he disappeared for 4 years.

Last year, he asked to see her on Father's Day. I acquiesced and drove her to his apartment complex so that she could spend time with him and her siblings. She is one of six of his biological children from four different mothers, and two step children that he raises that were his wife's. My previous worries were soothed by his new girlfriend, who really seemed to have it together...so when he has reached out to visit her these past 18 months, I ask her straight out if she wants to see her dad and co. And if she says yes, I will absolutely allow her to visit, just not spend the night.

Then Sunday, out of the blue, he demands regular visitation. Regular documented visitation. My daughter is beside herself fearing he will ask for joint custody, and when she attempted to communicate her worries to him about his temper and the reason she prefers to use "mom" as a buffer rather than give him her own phone number... He stated that she was 12, she was his kid too, and that she didn't have any say in the matter.

I realize he might have been bluffing about court, because getting a court order for visitation would include getting a court order for child support- which he has never paid.

I don't know if I should find an attorney or just see if it calms down.

Any advice would be wholeheartedly welcomed.

Thank you.

Lynda - posted on 09/22/2016

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I have been but every time the lawyer gets something going he moves changes his number and everything.

Sarah - posted on 09/22/2016

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If you were not stripped of your rights, then you have every right to see and parent her as he does. Why did you not fight this 3 years ago?

Ev - posted on 09/22/2016

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Then you can still go for custody of her. You just need to get a lawyer to help you. You do not say if you live in the same area or different places but you do need to get a lawyer. We can not tell you the legal things you need to know. As I have said in that post it is just a over view of what to expect.

Lynda - posted on 09/22/2016

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My mom let me talk to her a while back when my mom got to see her and I was told that he spanked her with a belt for talking to me. And I was never served with papers all I got was a child support order no custody papers at all.

Ev - posted on 09/22/2016

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Then re-read the OP here and get a lawyer. Just keeping in contact is not enough. You need to be proactive. If he had custody papers done up you should have been served. Also you should keep a journal of every time you tried to connect with her and see her and what happened as a result with the information of times, dates, what was said if at all, and results. You could prove parental alienation.

Lynda - posted on 09/22/2016

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I've been trying to keep in contact with him he keeps changing his number moving or something. He told me He had custody papers done. But I found out from his gf that he hasn't. I'm trying to get a lawyer . I don't mind paying child support cause she is My child but I do think I deserve some rights to her.

Lynda - posted on 09/21/2016

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I am going thru custody issues with my daughter's father. When I had her something happened and I needed his help. So he came to get her and after that he has been keeping her from me going on three years . and I did nothing wrong just asked for help. He tells her I am dead this is. 6 year old child we are talking about. Making me pay for child support won't let me see or talk to her . I don't know what to do

Kassie - posted on 09/19/2016

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I appreciate the info . I would have to agree . It does sound like bull . We will surely be looking further into this before any monies are paid

Sarah - posted on 09/19/2016

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I would ask for a specific bill, outlining the cost of the night guard and the treatment plan. As a nurse, this sounds like a load of BS. Maybe LMCBW can shed some light, but bruxism (teething grinding), is not scientifically linked to bed-wetting.
If she took him to a gypsy and had a spell cast upon him to stop the wetting, would dad be liable for half the cost?
If any treatment need to be split, it should be agreed upon beforehand and have clinical merit.

Kassie - posted on 09/19/2016

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We did not attend the appointment . She advised us of an appointment said she wasn't sure how much was covered . She told us it was a night guard and it in fact a program related to a night guard . It was not something deemed necessary by his doctor . It was simply a recommendation by the dentist to try and help with the bed wetting . She told us after the appointment the cost ect . We then contacted the dentist to confirm the cost . It's in their court agreement that all major issues concerning the parents must be discussed and agreed upon , in which she did not consult us about this . She spent our money without our concent & is demanding payment back Immedietly . We did get a second opinion from another dentist my bio son sees and he told me h has never heard of such a thing and wouldn't recommend anything like that for a 7 year old . We don't have money to go to court Over this, but just giving her th money which is a bg expensive doesn't seem fair either

Ev - posted on 09/19/2016

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Mom should have conducted a discussion with dad about the appointment and what it was for. She should have also had the cost of the appointments as well available to him so he would know why the child was going and what was being done. I never heard of a dentist being the one that had a reason why a child wet the bed as a dentist tends to teeth and dental issues not bed wetting or pediactric issues. If this goes to court be prepared to answer about the knowledge of the visit you had and so forth. Ask for paperwork from mom and bills showing what the $1000 was for and what the next $500 is for. She is required to hand you copies of dentist/doctor bills. If not you do not pay it until you see it.

Kassie - posted on 09/18/2016

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Hey ladies ,

So I'm new to the group , just had a few questions as me and my common law partner have a difficult situation on our hands with his ex partner . They share 2 children together I have one child from a previous relationship & we just had a baby . His ex wife is constantly trying to control our household from her end . We have 50/50 custody . So no child support is paid , they split daycare and school expenses down the middle . There was a situation with a dentist appointment that occurred . We were advised she was taking the youngest boy to the dentist. Dentist had a potential solution to help our youngest to stop wetting the bed . She told us she wasn't sure how much the coverage would cover . My husband was out of town the day of the appointment , when he got home he had gotten a text saying the appointment was 1000$ and he was deemed to pay her back half Immedietly & the next appointment would cost us $500 . we were complelty caught of guard as we had no idea this appointment would be of this expensive & it was not something she consulted with us first . It's in the court agreement that all mahout dental and doctors appointments are to be discussed by both parents previously . She is now threatening court and small claims cuz it's been 4 weeks and we have not paid her back ? Does anybody have any light they can shed on this situation ? I don't feel we are in the wrong , but who knows ?

Rebecca - posted on 09/16/2016

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This is a horrific subject for me! I have been on every side of the coin regarding child support, child visitation, child custody, you name it I've been through it. It's not a pretty place to be.

Ev - posted on 08/12/2016

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In my visitation orders, it was stated that cohabitation was not allowed while children were in the house unless married to a new partner or the opposite sex was a relation to the parent. Some places have that automatically in that and some people request it but I personally think it should be there anyhow.

Addition:

"12) Living together unmarried. As far as I have heard, in most custody and or visitation orders, parents should not be cohabiting with someone they are not related to or married to. If it is in the orders follow it. It sends a lot of weird messages to the kids. I know that a lot of people disregard this and do it anyway."

If you read it clearly enough I said in my post I have quoted that section here. I said that in most custody or visitation orders parents should not be living with someone who they are not related or married to. I did not say all. It is not a good idea to do that. It not only sends the wrong messages to kids but it can be confusing as well. If the parent and their BF or GF break up and the kids had gotten close to that BF or GF it can cause a lot of stress and upset for the kids to go through all over again. That is why parents need to be in a relationship for a long time and one that is going to be solid enough before living with someone or even getting married. Kids are hurt enough when their parents split and so forth. They do not have a choice in this and they get no say either. They have to do what the parents tell them to do. They have to go to visitation on the orders of the court and still have no say in the matter. They are merely pawns most of the time when parents are going at each other.

Crystall - posted on 08/12/2016

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Just curious, you mentioned that cohabiting is basically frowned upon in court and visitation orders. I have a parenting plan established with the father of my child and it was signed by a judge but nowhere does it mention the cohabiting aspect. Is this something you have to request? Thanks.

Ev - posted on 08/04/2016

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{My husband is military and is out of country 9 mos out of the year. I am allowed to get the kids once a month while he's gone. He begged her to stay in the same house the kids were born in even went as far as offering to pay for it on top of child support but she opted to move 2 1/2 hrs away}
-----It is her choice to stay in that same house or move to another one. No one can force her to stay where she does not want to do so. This is the arrangement that happened for them and one they seem to be doing alright with. If he wanted to really change things he would have. This is the choice THEY have and get to deal with. Unless one of them wants to change things...nothing will happen.

{We but then clothes, they're never seen again. The kids have learned anything they really like needs to stay here, if it goes to mommy's it gets "lost". I understand that certain laws have been out in place for the "deadbeat" dads out there.}
-----I am going to add one thing to this...there are also "deadbeat" moms out there too. Do not think they do not exist. But if there is great concern as to the condition the kids are in when they come to you guys, Dad needs to address that with mom and see what is going on or if you both suspect neglect on her part, call her in to family services to get an investigation going. Other than the "ratty clothes and shoes" what is their general condition other wise? Do they see to be getting enough to eat? How is their behavior? Those things i would be very concerned with as well....because frankly if the clothing is rough looking that may be just what she has them wear because she does not want them to ruin the good clothing they do have at her house? I mean you guys are not there and see what it is like day to day. As for the dental issue of cavities, has he requested to find out if they made it to the dentist or not?

{ There should really be laws out in place to protect the good ones, $54,000.00 a year in child support plus health and dental care for the kids should equal better than what they're getting. She makes at least $50,000.00 per her job based on the financial affidavits submitted.}
What is your husband's rank in the military that he is paying $54 thousand in child support to her for those kids? He would have to be a very high ranking officer to get enough to pay that much in child support. If he is not making as much money as he was when this started he needs to go to court and ask for a hearing to reduce the child support if his income is not what it was. That is just assuming he is not making enough to pay that much out.

{ Not to mention that she spent the last 6 mos living in 1 bedroom with all three kids at her parents home stockpiling money for whatever claiming to not be able to find anything until he finally threatened to call protective services.}
And what happened when he threatened to call protective services after he dound out she was in one bedroom at her folks with the kids?

{ I'm just saying someone should hold the mom's accountable when they clearly misuse the child support they are trusted with.}
-----I understand the frustration you seem to have. But there is no guidelines that I know of anywhere that the parent who gets the child support has to prove how it is used. Its not just mom's who get it. Some dad's have it given to them. And as I said before you can not know what she really uses it for if you are not there. And she can not be forced to show proof of its use for the kids to anyone unless a judge says it has to be done. And you have no legal say in the matter.

I think this boils down to what is bothering you the most. It is driving you nuts because you have no control or say in the situation. As long as your husband is not going to do anything to change this, there is not much you can say about it. It is between him and her about those kids.

Ev - posted on 08/03/2016

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Again, Tracey, this is something your husband is going to have to deal with and take to court to get rectified.

Tracy - posted on 08/03/2016

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My husband is military and is out of country 9 mos out of the year. I am allowed to get the kids once a month while he's gone. He begged her to stay in the same house the kids were born in even went as far as offering to pay for it on top of child support but she opted to move 2 1/2 hrs away. We but then clothes, they're never seen again. The kids have learned anything they really like needs to stay here, if it goes to mommy's it gets "lost". I understand that certain laws have been out in place for the "deadbeat" dads out there. There should really be laws out in place to protect the good ones, $54,000.00 a year in child support plus health and dental care for the kids should equal better than what they're getting. She makes at least $50,000.00 per her job based on the financial affidavits submitted. Not to mention that she spent the last 6 mos living in 1 bedroom with all three kids at her parents home stockpiling money for whatever claiming to not be able to find anything until he finally threatened to call protective services. I'm just saying someone should hold the mom's accountable when they clearly misuse the child support they are trusted with.

Ev - posted on 08/03/2016

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{{It's infuriating to me that my husband pays $2776.00 A month in child support for 3 children and they all have ratty shoes and clothes. The child support clearly isn't going to the kids!! I think my husband should be able to request a financial statement with receipts each month.}
-----I combined some of these comments that were through the post together because they covered your questioning the child support issue. First, you cannot dictate how the mother spends the money or what it is spent on. Usually, child support is spent on clothing, food, shelter, utilities, expenses for school, gas to take kids places they need to go, activities and so on. Second, there is no requirement that I know of that the custodial parent has to provide statements to prove what is spend and how it is spent of the child support. Three, legally you, the step mom, cannot do anything about it. If he feels the child support is too much, he has to take it back to court. Fourth, you do not know what she actually spends it on and cannot point fingers to her not using it for the kids. Regardless of her working, she may not be making enough to support the kids on less. As for the ratty clothes and shoes, he needs to address this issue with her himself.
{He provides 100% dental care/healthcare and they have visible cavities.}
-----Instead of complaining about the kids having cavitites and so on, why do you guys not offer to take the kids to the dentist. By law he has to supply the dental/health care because he is ordered to do so.
{ The mother also works. The bio mom ships them off to my husbands mother for 3 months during the summer and we still pay child support plus WE send his mother money, the bio mother gives her nothing.}
------This may be something to readdress in court so that mom is obligated to send support to the grandmother while the kids are with her if they stay the whole summer break with her. Why are they not with you guys during summer?
{Is there anything that can be done? We live in Florida, }
-----HE has to be willing to take this back to court to address the issues and I do not know Florida law nor am I a lawyer. Mostly, child support is based on the income level and percentage set by the state. If your husband is making a lot of money then what he is paying is what he has to pay based on Florida law. But to make the mother show every last receipt for what she buys the kids is not to my knowledge a requirement for child support. And you as the wife have no say in how all this takes place.

Tracy - posted on 08/02/2016

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It's infuriating to me that my husband pays $2776.00 A month in child support for 3 children and they all have ratty shoes and clothes. He provides 100% dental care/healthcare and they have visible cavities. The mother also works. The bio mom ships them off to my husbands mother for 3 months during the summer and we still pay child support plus WE send his mother money, the bio mother gives her nothing. Is there anything that can be done? We live in Florida, I think my husband should be able to request a financial statement with receipts each month. The child support clearly isn't going to the kids!!

Ev - posted on 07/21/2016

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Alix
{{I NEED ADVICE!!! I'm a first time mom, 5 months pregnant, I will be 18 in 2 weeks (I know I'm young, please don't judge, I'm already graduated and had the same job for 2 steady years) my boyfriend constantly smokes weed, talks to other girls, I have caught him cheating on me with three girls and three different times, and once caught him lying and doing pills with his friend that made him stay up for days at a time. he thinks he is going to take my to court and get custody of my son because he has a better job than me, keep in mind we both still live with our parents but hes going on 21 years old.}}
~~~~~Congrats on the new baby. I am not going to judge you but yes, I agree you are young. But what is done is done and you have a baby on the way. I am glad that you have a job and have support of your parents. As for your boyfriend or the father of the child—he can go to court to file for custody if he so wishes to get some sort of custody of his child just as much as you can go and do the same. But the judge is not going to look at just being able to support a child but other factors as well—responsible with the child, care of child, stable home life for child…etc. Keep in mind his cheating on you does not have anything to do with you two co-parenting that baby. But his taking pills and smoking weed might have an impact on his getting custody if you have actual proof of his drug usage.
{{he wants to get an apartment for us and our son, but I cant trust him enough to ever want to move in with him. he works at a pawn store and makes like $12 an hour. he says since I live with my mom and he plans to get his own place, he has a better chance at custody.}}
~~~~~You do not have to live with him to co-parent this baby. But just because he works in a pawn shop making 12 bucks an hour does not mean he is going to be considered a better parent nor the fact he plans to get his own place and it does not mean he has a better chance for custody. The judge looks at the character of the parents, the stable life of each parent, how well the parents can provide for the child and so on in making his or her decision. Living with your parents may not even make a difference as long as the home is stable.
{{ive never done drugs in my life. I have screenshots of him admitting to smoking weed a lot, and its all over his social media pages, which I also have screenshots of.}}
~~~~~You would have to ask a lawyer about the screen shots being admissible in court. I can not help you with that legally.
{{ about 2 years ago he got into a really bad wreck and was under the influence of alcohol and 2 separate types of drugs (I don't know the names of them) he ended up getting sent to lauralwood which is the region’s largest private, not-for-profit, free-standing hospital dedicated to the stabilization and treatment of individuals with mental illness and/or substance abuse; instead of jail time.}}
~~~~~If you can get documentation of this to show how he was using drugs at that time and can get say arrest or judgement of his alcohol use and drug use it can be admitted as evidence he could be a danger to the child. You can also ask for a drug test done but keep in mind you might have to do it too.

{{ I planned to start college at the college I was accepted into this august but found out I was pregnant and decided to wait a year so I can focus on my pregnancy. I graduated with a 100% clean record and straight A's. he is saying he will stop drugs long enough to pass a test and get our son, his moms house is a little bigger than mine, but I know id actually care for our son, and take time to take him to the doctor and everything a mother should. I also plan to brestfeed, which cant happen if he get custody.}}
~~~~~If you do breast feed the child right after birth then dad might have to let you have custody because of that. I do not know for sure how it works where you live. But it is he said she said kind of thing unless you can prove he is not fit for more than supervised visits.

{{ I'm absolutely terrified. I know I haven't don't anything wrong but this is my first child and I have absolutely no idea how these things work. we have only been together about 8 months (again, please don't judge) and we aren't even engaged, I'm looking for anyone who has been through this or something like this to PLEASE help me. I truly don't know what to do.}}
~~~~~Did you read the whole OP I placed here? That is the advice that you need. I can not tell you that the judge will give you full custody or him partial custody or none at all. It depends on the evidence that is presented, how you and he present yourself to the judge and so on.

Alix - posted on 07/21/2016

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I NEED ADVICE!!! I'm a first time mom, 5 months pregnant, I will be 18 in 2 weeks (I know I'm young, please don't judge, I'm already graduated and had the same job for 2 steady years) my boyfriend constantly smokes weed, talks to other girls, I have caught him cheating on me with three girls and three different times, and once caught him lying and doing pills with his friend that made him stay up for days at a time. he thinks he is going to take my to court and get custody of my son because he has a better job than me, keep in mind we both still live with our parents but hes going on 21 years old. he wants to get an apartment for us and our son, but I cant trust him enough to ever want to move in with him. he works at a pawn store and makes like $12 an hour. he says since I live with my mom and he plans to get his own place, he has a better chance at custody. ive never done drugs in my life. I have screenshots of him admitting to smoking weed a lot, and its all over his social media pages, which I also have screenshots of. about 2 years ago he got into a really bad wreck and was under the influence of alcohol and 2 separate types of drugs (I don't know the names of them) he ended up getting sent to lauralwood which is the region’s largest private, not-for-profit, free-standing hospital dedicated to the stabilization and treatment of individuals with mental illness and/or substance abuse; instead of jail time. I planned to start college at the college I was accepted into this august but found out I was pregnant and decided to wait a year so I can focus on my pregnancy. I graduated with a 100% clean record and straight A's. he is saying he will stop drugs long enough to pass a test and get our son, his moms house is a little bigger than mine, but I know id actually care for our son, and take time to take him to the doctor and everything a mother should. I also plan to brestfeed, which cant happen if he get custody. I'm absolutely terrified. I know I haven't don't anything wrong but this is my first child and I have absolutely no idea how these things work. we have only been together about 8 months (again, please don't judge) and we aren't even engaged, I'm looking for anyone who has been through this or something like this to PLEASE help me. I truly don't know what to do.

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