Son was molested by his sister

Deb - posted on 01/19/2015 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I am an older mom, dealing with my adult children, ages 32 and 30. Our son recently told us that his sister "raped" him between the ages of 6-11. She denies force, but admits that they "played doctor". My son is extremely angry and agitated and depressed and blames us for not protecting him. We had no idea any thing was awry during their childhood years. They always fought and always "hated" each other, but we thought we were "on it". Our daughter has health problems and still lives at home, but our son has moved out. He demands his sister be thrown out of the home. We are devastated over this and floundering in guilt and depression ourselves. Our son refuses to get therapy, but my husband and me and our daughter are all reaching out for help. How can we help our son feel we have not abandoned him?

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Dove - posted on 01/19/2015

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If the 3 of you are in counseling and he refuses to go... there really isn't anything you CAN do other than to let him know that you understand he is hurting, but all any of you can do at this point is try and heal and get past it. 20 years is a LONG time to keep quiet. He can't expect it to go away overnight, but if he WANTS to heal... he will take steps to do so.

Sarah - posted on 01/19/2015

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The best you can do for him is tell him you believe him, and act like you do. That does not mean you have to throw your daughter out. Be honest with him that you were unaware that he was being violated. Offer to help him find a support group or private therapist. Does your daughter admit to the behavior? Five years of abuse is a long time. Seeking therapy for you and your husband will help you to communicate with your son. This is a very sad situation for everyone. Is your daughter capable of living alone or does she need you to take care of her?

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Deb - posted on 01/19/2015

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My daughter has a serious gastrointestinal problem that limits her ability to work for long periods of time. But she DOES want to move out and be on her own. She does admit to "playing doctor", but insists it was always consensual and if he didn't want to play, they did something else. There is only 1 1/2 years age between them. Our son is extremely angry and is having difficulty building a relationship with a girl. He has nightmares and anxiety attacks. He said he "couldn't" tell anyone about it as he felt too ashamed. He wants to come and visit us but demands that his sister not be in the house at the time. We try to comply with that wish and our daughter stays out in the back, taking care of the chickens. But sometimes she has to come back to the house to use the bathroom. This upsets him...just seeing her upsets him, and he threatens to dis-own us. Our daughter DID apologize to him several years ago for being unkind to him when they were younger, but now SHE is upset at being accused of being a rapist! My husband and I are so depressed over this whole thing, we're loosing energy and sleep over it. All the counselors have been able to do so far is try to find a shelter for our daughter to move in to, and that isn't realistic right now. The 3 of us have been doing very well together the past few years, so it's really breaking up the family. We love our son, and we hate seeing him in so much pain, but communication has broken down. We are beside ourselves with sadness.

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