Son will be 4, I continued to take father back after he keeps hurting

Keve - posted on 07/07/2016 ( 28 moms have responded )

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My son will be four, I continued to take my son father back everything I want to leave him. He continued to hurt me, emotionally. I covered up our relationship with my family, I notice I started to get distance with my family, friends, I stop being happy. He wants to marry me now and I kind of felt happy about that, yet I part of me saying no, I will not be happy. I'm an Occupational Therapist, graduated out of Grad School, with this one child. I look at my self and say God has continued to help me through all my suffering with my mom dying off cancer 3 years ago, raising this child on my own. Graduating out of Grad School, started my career. I'm ready to buy a house and make this family. I feel deep down I don't want him to be part of this. He broke me so much with all his baggage in his previous relationship and I tried so hard to make it work and suffer in silence because ashame with what my family would think, loving the idea of us actually being a family and the years invested. I love him not in love with him.

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Therese - posted on 07/13/2016

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Thank you kindly and you're so very welcome!

No, I'm not a trained counselor. I believe that we should encourage each other. I am (We are) here for more than simply eating, drinking and taking up space. I believe that God designed me (us) to make a difference with my (our) life and to give back.

I'm not without my own challenges-marriage, children etc., but I find a sincere joy in giving and helping. I also believe that our (correct) attitude in dealing with challenges will allow us to be blessed.
I look for ways to encourage others- a compliment, a smile, items. The reality is that we don't know what others may be going through and sometimes that little extra on our part may make the biggest of a difference in their lives.

For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. Romans 15:4

Keve - posted on 07/13/2016

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Yes, you are absolutely right in every aspect. Are you a counselor? You really give so much good advice and I love that fact that you add bible verses while speaking to me. Thank You for all your time in this short time I have been speaking with you. You are wonderful.

Therese - posted on 07/13/2016

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It's good that you have taken some time away from the relationship. You should try to discuss the changes with your son in a way that he can understand. Also let his father (and you) discuss the separation with him. Although he may not be able to articulate his feelings, it's important he be reassured that he is not the reason for the two of you no longer living together.

You should also speak to your family and try to mend the relationship there. You don't need to go into too much detail.

Find a good Bible-believing Church that you and your son can attend. Although you may feel relieved initially, there are still some emotional areas that you should address before even considering either reconciliation or a new relationship.

The most important step to your complete healing will be "forgiveness"; not merely accepting his apology for all that he has done over the years, but being able to go to him and telling him sincerely "I forgive you".

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:31-32

God Bless.

Keve - posted on 07/13/2016

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Hi, I just wanted to say I ended the relationship, which was a big shock to him. I made arrangements with him regarding our son. I will no longer attend the same church as him and that's it. I'm hurt and relieved at the same time. This needed to get done before I get stuck in marriage. :)

Keve - posted on 07/10/2016

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Speaking to you and hearing your words feel as though we know each other. Thank You,

Therese - posted on 07/10/2016

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That's good that you're going to Church and taking your son. You will find all the comfort and strength you need. if you are being blessed and and are maturing spiritually at your present Church, I would encourage you to stay, regardless of whether your husband attends the church too.

Finding your purpose in Christ is nothing to do with your child's father, it is about you and God, remember that. Your relationship is vertical first! Be encouraged, you are in an excellent place to receive healing and answers.

Keve - posted on 07/10/2016

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Yes, I currently go to a church with him and my son in which I love and have listening to God's words. I want to stop going, I'm thinking of asking the pastor some churches that he knows so my son and I can go to.

Therese - posted on 07/09/2016

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You're most welcome!

I always say "Trust God even when you can't trace Him". If you want to get God’s vision for you life, you must want to hear it, you must withdraw to hear it, and then you must WAIT to hear it.

Wait quietly -- “I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him.” (Psalm 62:5)
Wait patiently -- “Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.” (Psalm 37:7)
Wait expectantly -- “I wait expectantly, trusting God to help, for he has promised.” (Psalm 105:5)

Keve - posted on 07/09/2016

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Thank you so much. You wrote everything so nicely. Apart of me embarrass to say I'm not with my child father as well. But I don't think I want it anymore. I'm 26 and I'm not getting any younger. My son is not getting any younger as well. It's time to make a decision, God will help me through this decision.

Therese - posted on 07/09/2016

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It's wonderful that you recognize that God is the source of your academic achievements and the great Provider for you and your son.

Your emotions are normal. You are confused, angry after all of the emotional turmoil you have gone through.

Do not be hasty to make any life-long decisions. Perhaps you can discuss your feelings with a professional or a Pastor. It is important that you process everything that has happened to you and be able to get healing. Remember you interact daily with your son (who is getting older) and he feeds off of your emotions.

Pray and ask God for His wisdom in your situation. Ask Him to put people in your path who will provide the help necessary for all three of you. Seek His guidance. Ask God if it is His will for you to be married and WAIT for His reply! It will either be "Yes", "No" or "Not right now"

Good luck and God Bless you.

Keve - posted on 07/07/2016

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Yea you all are right, I need to stop going to events with him, ex church, school meetings, dinner etc. But you are all right. My heart and mind is telling me let go more than it tells me to stay. I want to leave feeling good and never opening the door back again. I need to continue to ask God for the strength. I do not want to get stuck and maybe one day I would get that happy family I always wanted. I'll continue to pray. Thank you guys for your support.

Michelle - posted on 07/07/2016

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I agree with the other ladies.
You don't need to put up being treated badly, you aren't even married.
You deserve to find someone who treats you the way you should be treated. There is that person out there but while you are still with this man, he won't come into your life.
I was also in an emotionally abusive relationship and had 2 young children. I finally got out and divorced him and have now got the most wonderful husband.
You have said you have a good job and can support yourself so there's nothing holding you back. Your child can still have a relationship with his Father, it's just that you won't live together. I have been doing it for 12 years.

Jodi - posted on 07/07/2016

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You don't need him in your life. You don't want your child to grow up thinking it is okay to treat you the way he is treating you. If you are struggling with this, think about talking to a counsellor to help give you the strength to walk away.

Keve - posted on 07/07/2016

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I also look at it. I have nothing to loose. Im in a good paying occupation, I'm ready to buy a house. I have close family that can assist with my son. I'm still young and beautiful, would never guess I had a child. I do not ask him to support me at all financially. I have nothing to loose. Yet I still feel this way I'm one foot in and one foot out. He is now all the way in. Why now you are all the way in I'm always saying to myself because you know how independent iam and you have more to gain from me now.

Keve - posted on 07/07/2016

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Well, I'm haitian and my family look high upon marriage, society but I'm pretty sure if they knew the honest truth they would just tell me to end it. I covered up the hurt of him, his lies and him not being there for our son for a long time. I also feel like he has changed me and, although he wants to be with me now, I guess the hurt that he has done all these years is still inside. I did forgive him but I did not forget. I think now I look how independent I have always been without him, I'm capable on my own. As I said I feel like I wanted my son to have his father, I love the idea of marriage and more kids, Im ashame because I have been letting him in and out for so long. I look at myself he broke me inside and he also have another child in which I do not have a relationship with because of his lies. Now things are just hard for me to be comfortable with everything. It's more to it which I would not know where to start. Since I have such a good career, I have my family, I'm slowly telling close cousins. They ask me to pray and ask God what he wantse to do with this relationship and not make it on my own. Honestly they do what me to leave deep down.

Jodi - posted on 07/07/2016

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Keve, I had an emotionally abusive husband, and yes, I ended the marriage. It sounds like you are in a culture where this is highly frowned upon and you may not be supported. Is that right?

Keve - posted on 07/07/2016

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You are absolutely right about marriage won't change anything, it would make me more stuck and I really do like the idea of it, the change that he made but, I feel like I'm worth so much more looking at myself and how independent iam.

Keve - posted on 07/07/2016

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I guess you know because of my family being ashamed and wanting my son to be with his father, scared what else is out there and you grow to be accustom to the person you been with for so long. All I'm doing now is praying to God to make me leave now. I have to do it with God on my life, if I leave on my own I feel like I'm not going to be satisfied with my decision and be firm with it. Did you grow through something similar?

Nadine - posted on 07/07/2016

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Leave. Be happy. No one can guarantee your happiness, but if you continue to commit deeper and deeper while you are already not happy, then nothing is going to change. Marriage does not magically change things for the better.

Jodi - posted on 07/07/2016

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So leave him. Why do you keep going back. You clearly are not in love with him. You don't want to be there. You want to leave. So why don't you?

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