Soon to be single mom with a hateful "baby daddy"...I need some advice.

[deleted account] ( 35 moms have responded )

My son isn't born yet, but the baby's father is a real piece of work. Telling me he hopes my son dies on more than one occasion on top of a lot of other nasty hateful things. I've already contacted someone about starting the processes of child support once my son is born. I just need some help figuring out what to do about custody. I'd like sole legal and physical custody and for him to have zero rights but for him to still have to pay child support. And if he does manage to obtain any visitation, how would I get that visitation to be supervised. He also has this woman who I know and do not want to come anywhere near my son. She's married, has a boyfriend, and is screwing around with my son's biological father. I refuse to let her anywhere near my son to play house which I know is something she'll try to do seeing as how she can't have children of her own. I really need some advice. I will do anything to keep my son from his monster father. Sucks to say, I was so in love with this man, but I was a game. But now my son is involved and come hell or high water I will do whatever needs to be done to protect him. Please help if y'all can. Thanks a bunch. :)

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Jade - posted on 01/07/2014

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I was researching women abuse, and I recently found out that you may file for "Emotional Distress" as an abuse.
It sounds rather drastic. But it allows the court to understand that emotionally the father and his environment is not supportive of a stable home.

RECORD YOUR PHONE CALLS IF YOU ARE SERIOUS ABOUT LIMITING your child's time with his dad - to prove your case.
But also bare in mind that being truthful and considerate of what the consequences of your actions are.

My daughter's dad was abusive in almost every legal form possible. I became bitter and was often told I had a right to be. But you can be forgiving and cautious at he same time. My daughter is almost 4 and I let her talk and visit her dad on my time and I am always present. I settled it out of court. He needs to learn to respect you, and I always feared a battle in court will always teach a man that the law made him responsible opposed to him loving his daughter. Love at the end of the day is what you want for your child. Love and safety and YOU have the strength to lay down the law wthout really getting the law involved. If he get's out of hand and starts visiting whenever he wants or starts making you feel threatened or uncomfortable in anyway then start which ever procedure is set in place to help the situation. You cant change the bad in some people, all you can do is learn to accept it and build your life away from it. If the bad keeps following you just keep on building. Build a legal wall or maybe move to another state Like I did :) .
My daughters dad told me I was breaking the law if I took her without his consent. But I sat down with him and a buddy of mine (for protection) at a restaurant and I told him how things will be from now on. He didn't put up a fight and actually recently THANKED me for not fighting endlessly because he actually felt like he enjoyed getting me upset opposed to focusing on his daughter.

I suggest going for child support because that's gonna help your little one greatly.

But unless he is a physical and real emotional danger to your little one, then I do not suggest any drastic measures. Try and settle visitation etc out of court, as well as custody. Unless he lays the charge and declares you unfit, then by all means FIGHT.
But don't start a war where one is not necessary. It really hurts more than Builds.

[deleted account]

just dont have him pay child support. that way he'll have no legal rights to your son. mothers have 100% custody of their child till a judge grants you to have share custody. and please dont let him take his lastname aswell, or else youll screw urself big time. hes already showing how shallow he is, i guarantee he wont bother taking you to court.

[deleted account]

Did you notice original gal deleted her account? Everyone is telling her that it is unreasonable to ask for money but no visitation.
I think she needed to hear that from everyone.
Sometimes we need it pointed out to us when we are wrong and it's hard to swallow. I know that I've certainly asked for too much at times and looking back, it's sad that I was unreasonable but that was part of growing up.

[deleted account]

Okay- if he said the thing about your kid dying- let's all agree that he's an a__hole. I think those evil words come from the great fear of child support. When a baby is unplanned (and I'm just going to assume that) some guys go INSANE at the thought of 18 years of child support.

(When you really turn the tables though, and really think about it- I'd be scared spitless looking at 18 years of supporting a child that I did not ask for or want. That's harsh, but it's reality. I'd be terrified and very angry.)

Having said that- we all want child support. I know I did.

I think however - that if you're asking for him to support this child and not be able to SEE this child- I think you're asking for everything. You can't have it all.
You never know- when this baby comes, he may totally change his mind and have a father's heart and love this baby. Babies can change even the hardest and ugliest person at times.

As for that woman- we all go crazy about other women, with anger, rage, jealousy or we feel threatened in certain ways.

He probably WILL have rights to the child, but you know what? He may change (and he may change when the baby comes) and you may just need a break here and there. You may see that he loves the baby. You might look forward to having some time for yourself.

I was worried SICK about my daughter having outings with her father but all went well and he did the best he could, and I eventually really enjoyed the overnights that he did take her so I could get caught up on things. It worked out.
Why would you want supervised visitation?

Is he just very angry right now because of money or does he have drug or alcohol problems or mental health issues? If not, then maybe he REALLY just needs time to adjust to the whole idea of having a child- and he deserves that time. It's a HUGE thing when guys are told that they're going to be a father.

*AND - sometimes a__holes can actually turn out to be good fathers, you'd be surprised.

Jodi - posted on 01/02/2014

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Actually, no, they won't necessarily suspend his rights based on a drug test. They may order supervised visits, but it is very difficult to have someone's rights removed if they decide to develop a relationship with their child. Believe it or not, even heroin addicted mothers still have rights to their children (yes, this is fact, I happen to know of a case personally). However, if he chooses not to exercise those rights, that is his choice, not yours.

The person I always feel the most sorry for in these situations is the child.

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[deleted account]

John- I think he simply is uninformed or perhaps somewhere that the rules and courts are different. Or living in the past! Anyways- it's the old-fashioned way or that's still the way it is in other countries, but not ours.
I'd say uninformed. Makes me crazy to b/c non of it is factual.

Jonn - posted on 01/08/2014

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This is the second time I've seen you post this crap. It's not true, stop saying it.

[deleted account]

Things have changed.
In Canada and the United States- the courts NO LONGER assume that the mother is the best option for custody or full custody. The court system weighs out all the circumstances.
Also- it sounds like she needs the child support- as most mother do, otherwise it would be easy for her to walk away. (Otherwise she likely WOULD be walking away.)

[deleted account]

To Ning and Lori-
Things have GREATLY changed over the years. The laws are different.
The court system NO longer assumes that the mother is the best option for custody. At least- not in Canada or the United States. Fathers often get custody. Now the court system weighs out all the factors of both parties.
From what this young lady says, it sounds like she needs the child support as do most mothers I think.
I also think the comment of wanting the baby dead was an empty threat made out of fear and anger- as it sounds like he did not want or expect this baby. But- it should not be taken lightly. (But to me- it sounds like an empty threat- just my opinion.)
When I had to ask my husband to leave, he threatened to kidnap our baby and I'd never see her again. Of course I was very scared. But he was rageful that I/we were leaving him and adamant not to pay child support. It was an empty threat. I got custody and child support and he got weekends or whatever he wanted (I agreed to that.)
However- a gal I worked with, her husband did indeed take the children and fled for 5 years, so- you have to feel out the situation. Hard for us to know because we don't know him.
Just my opinion.

Sarah - posted on 01/08/2014

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I am sorry sweetie that you are put in this horrible situation. You need to do what is best for your child, especially since you are going to be the main caregiver. I personally would not ahead with the child support quite yet. Sometimes it is better to do everything yourself than to have to worry about your child when they are not with you.

My sister has two children, and their biological father is not in their lives because he is mentally and physically abusive. Plus is in and out of the jail and drugs all the time. She told me that she would rather not have him pay child support and have him pay child support and have access to her kids. She says it is tough, but definitely worth it because she can sleep at night knowing her children are safe.

I hope this helps! Stay strong!!

Jodi - posted on 01/08/2014

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Ning, your information is incorrect in most circumstances. Child support and visitation are two totally separate issues. Also, mothers do NOT have 100% custody of children in all cases (it depends where you live). As an example, if a father chooses not to give the child back when there are no legal documents, the police will do nothing. Why? Because both parents have a legal right to custody of the child.

Lori Marie - posted on 01/08/2014

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It is possible for you to get full custody and make it to where he has supervised visitation, and him pay child support. That is how my mother had it set up with my brothers and their father. I don't know where you live but in Montana there is a place called 'planet kids' that parents go to to have supervised visitation. From what it seems like you will not have an issue with custody for he is already telling you that he hopes your son dies. I don't blame you for not wanting him around. If my husband told me he hopes our daughter dies, that would be the end of our relationship. I hope this helps. :)

Kim - posted on 01/08/2014

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It's commendable the efforts you make for your child. Alot of of men are right around the corner n don't give 2 farts. .

Jonn - posted on 01/08/2014

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Yes we do. Lets not limit it to just guys in this. I've had visitation taken from me by the mother with promises to our child. I live six hours away from my child and still take my happy ass down south to see her as much as I can. Sometimes, even driving the 6 hours, seeing her, and driving them back all in one day.

Kim - posted on 01/06/2014

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He will have to pay support if u have ccstody. But most cases he's also allowed to see the child he's paying 4... I went thru same thing.

Father is not no birth cirtificate.

As soon as thi chips born u need to breastfeed. The court will not take away a burst feed baby as u are the only 1 that can do that... save all receipts and any n all communications. Every name every fight. .wrote it down on calender.
As soon as the baby's born. .like...The next day. ..lol.bleeding n all...go up courthouse n file for custody.
If u are a drug free.healthy mom. Breastfeeding ..u be in good shape. But keep in mind unless u cam prove him unfit (varies by state guideines ( hell likely get every other weekend visitation. ..but bc ur b.feeding. it might be diff.

[deleted account]

Yeah they do. They do. (Exist). Sometimes we just pick the wrong ones. (I'm not pointing fingers at anyone).
You ever realize during or after a relationship that you should never have been with the guy in the first place? But we never tell anyone that.
Sometimes we're partially to blame.
But I've really strayed from the original post, so I'll leave it at that.
The situation she's in sucks. Hard place to be.

Em - posted on 01/06/2014

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Jodi- when I went into mediation, the SW had a picture on his wall of a child being pulled by either arms by mom and dad. I think of that every time baby daddy and I start arguing about our time with him. It's just sad though bc Sandy is right in that most of many baby daddy's motivation for visitation has to do with child support. My kids father blatantly demands upping his visits when a modification sheet comes in the mail. How appropriate that at the time that we are both sent out sheets to fill out recording the amt of hours per month the NCP sees our son is when he wants to "make up lost hours." Do good guys even exist anymore?

Em - posted on 01/06/2014

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I feel bad for her. She's in the deep dumps and hormonal w pregnancy. She's just trying to weigh out options. Albeit what you girls all said was truth, maybe a tad too hard to hear in her lonely state. Wish she hadn't deleted her acct like that.

Rosa - posted on 01/06/2014

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First I would ask why you would continue contact with someone who has wished death on your child? I am sorry but I do not believe any court would force a man to pay child support for a child he is not involved with. You can ask for supervised visits when you go in for your child support hearing but be advised that may force your child support into actually having to go to court over it. Also if you do ask for supervised visits do not be the person appointed to supervise the visits find someone else or ask the court if they can appoint one. Bottom line is if you want to receive child support then he has to have some sort of right to see the child. He really seems like an unfit person to have a child and if I were you I would be afraid to have my child around him after wishing death on my baby. Seriously if you can make it without his financial support continue on by yourself and take care of your child. Good luck and I hope your delivery goes smoothly and is as painless as possible.

[deleted account]

I'd also like to add- would any of you ladies here pay for child support, and accept that the father (or
mother) will NOT let you see you baby/child?
Not a chance.

[deleted account]

To Rachel-
Sometimes the truth is hard for women to hear. Seriously. If I wanted child support but NO visitation from the father- I'm quite certain that everyone around me would tell me the cold hard facts whether I liked it or not. A woman cannot ask for child support and no visitation. No judge would go for that. It's not a mean thing to say that to another woman, sometimes the truth hurts, have you not been through that? Sometimes I've expected too much when it wasn't fair of me.

Em- I do agree with you.The stress is maddening. Women do leave. It is unfair maybe but I've been through so much stress I can see how people do this. I've seen women mentally falling apart and they protect themselves by leaving.

Em - posted on 01/05/2014

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I was in a similar situation. When my child was 2 mos old, our custody battle began. Hes 1 now and my god, it's brutal. If you have the means, just bail. Leave the state. Forget that guy and be a single mum wo the weight of the courts and fees and temporary visitation rights and outrageous accusations. Just get out. I know I would have if I had it to do over again.

[deleted account]

I', in about the same situation and it sucks. My ex has a new girlfriend and now all of a sudden he is interested in my two-month-old daughter. He is a terrible person and I did NOT have a baby with him by choice... I don't even want child support from him. I just want them both out of my life but he is too freaking stubborn. I haven't figured out what to do yet.

[deleted account]

This is supposed to be a safe place for mothers to talk to each other. If you are going to criticize, do it constructively. Making someone feel bad about their actions is not helping.

Shennie - posted on 01/04/2014

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First, I'm sorry your going through this during what should be a happy time but, unfortunately visitation comes with the child support territory. The only way you can appeal to any family court for supervised visitation is to have proof of the things your ex has said. Anything else is just your word against his. Still, like everyone else has said it's unfair to ask him to pay for a child you don't want him to bond with. Don't get me wrong, I don't think your wrong for wanting the support without the drama of the father, but truthfully speaking the family court system is designed to "mediate" and bring split families together as best as possible, this means keeping both parents in the picture as long as it is in the best interest of the child.

[deleted account]

I'd also like to add-

Sperm doners do NOT pay child support.

And you refer to this child as only being YOURS. Why should he pay child support for YOUR baby?

Or....maybe he's the father and he should contribute? Treat him as a father. Not as a sperm doner.

[deleted account]

I quit speaking to him a long time ago. I don't try to talk to him or anything. I have him blocked off from any way of him contacting me. He doesn't want anything to do with my son. He's said this more than once. Someone told me that they will drug test him and me and that that will be all the evidence needed for them to suspend his rights. And no, my son isn't here yet, but I'm trying to get all my facts in order and be prepared for anything cause I know he will do anything to hurt me which will in turn effect my son. I don't want him to use me to hurt my son. I honestly think at this point letting him in my son's life will do more harm than good which is the exact opposite of what I thought just a couple months ago. And yes, I chose to have sex with him, but that was only because I really loved him. He had me believing he loved me, too, but he's since then admitted that I was a game and that he's done nothing but cheat on me. He thinks this is all a game, but my son's life is not a game and I'm not playing with him and I'm not letting him play with my son. He already has two children that he doesn't care for or pay child support for. Their mother even has removed him from their lives. I don't want my son hurt by this man. I refuse to let that happen...but I guess I shall know soon enough.

Jodi - posted on 01/02/2014

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It doesn't matter if he was abusive to you. That is his behaviour toward you, not his child. If you know he does drugs, you need some evidence, not just your hearsay. Perhaps someone else who is a reliable witness who can verify it and the court will believe.

It doesn't matter if you have tried everything for him to be a part of his son's life. The child isn't born yet. I'm not suggesting you are doing the wrong thing, but you need to back off and give the man some space. As I said, the child isn't even born yet. Until then, as a father, he has no idea how he feels about this baby because he has zero connection to it. It's different when you are the one carrying the child. So my advice is to talk to your lawyer, and keep contact with the father to an absolute minimum. Let him know when the child is born, allow him to visit the child, allow the CHILD to develop a supervised relationship with the father.

And no, he is not a sperm donor. You chose to have sex with the man. That makes him the biological and rightful father of the child, like it or not. A sperm donor is someone who signs a contract to provide sperm....(you also can't go after them for child support). You liked him enough to sleep with him, he doesn't now get to have the title of sperm donor. That's an insult to the kindness of those who donate their sperm to the women who need it.

[deleted account]

I feel you. However, my son's biological father was verbally abusive to me throughout almost the entire time we were together. He even has abuse charges against him. I know he does drugs, I've sat there and watched him do them. On top of him telling me he hopes my son dies, doesn't make me feel comfortable in letting him anywhere near my son. How do I know he won't do something to harm my son physically or verbally? Because believe me, I did EVERYTHING to let him be apart of my son's life up until a few weeks ago. When I told him I was pregnant, his first words were get rid of it and I have continued to try and let him be involved with my son. One minute he's asking about him and how he's doing and the next minute he's not his and he hopes he dies and doesn't care. Believe me, I've tried to do the right thing, I even have all the messages proving that I've tried to give him a say and let him be involved, but he only gets nastier and more hostile and hateful. And I don't care if the woman is with the father, she can have him, it's my son I don't want her near. As far as I'm concerned, my son has one parent. Me. And he has a sperm donor. But that's just how I see that, cause I'm the only one who cares about my son and his well being. This man put me in the hospital while pregnant. More than once. I never wanted it to be this way between him and I. I wasn't even going to go after him for child support, until recently when his messages got more and more hateful and threatening.

Jodi - posted on 01/02/2014

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So you want your cake and to eat it too? (you want child support from the daddy but don't want him to have any rights). Sorry, but IF he wants to see his child, he is likely to get visitation of some sort. You can push for supervised visitation, but you have to have some evidence of why he might be a danger to your child. And unless this women also is potentially a danger to your child, you can't necessarily keep her away from the child's father either. By all means, have your lawyer do what they can, but don't expect it all to go your way, as this child does have two parents.

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