Spanking Topic on the Today Show tomorrow

Elina - posted on 11/17/2009 ( 40 moms have responded )

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Are you pro or con? Watch the roundtable of moms discuss. And I'm in it!

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[deleted account]

I am 100 percent against spanking. I do not think it accomplishes anything. It damages a child's self esteem and makes the situation worse, whatever it is. I could not strike a child. It is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Markita - posted on 11/19/2009

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I really enjoyed what I got to see before heading out the door. It's so nice to see other moms do spank in that moment of lost patience. I grew up in an abusive house and I'm generally against spanking but there are times when you need to get the point across that what they're doing is not acceptable. I think spanking is something that each parent needs to work out with themselves and if it's the right approach for their child.

Minnie - posted on 11/17/2009

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I agree with Loureen. It IS completely degrading.



I found this quote on the LLLI forums:



"Children are the only people in this society anybody is allowed to hit. All the rest of us are legally protected." -from the article "Physical Punishment in the Home," by Penelope Leach.

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40 Comments

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Ramona - posted on 03/18/2011

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For. I do not believe in spanking to "teach," only to punish what a child already knows is unacceptable behavior. And I am talking a swat, not an all out beating.

Ameo - posted on 03/18/2011

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Con. Think about what a parent is trying to accomplish at the moment of spanking, teaching a child what s/he is doing is wrong at that moment. There are other ways of doing this without inflicting fear and pain. From the child's perspective, "it's OK for mom/dad to hit me when I am wrong." Do they take that to their schools and hit others when their classmates are behaving badly? I was spanked as a kid, and granted that was 30 years ago...but I don't remember why I got spanked. What I remember is being scared, laughed at for being scared (sisters), and pain. Did I learn my lesson? I have no idea. Did I repeat the same behaviors or avoid them because I knew they were wrong or just because I was afraid of my parent hitting me? No one could rationalize spanking for me. Now, when your kid's running out into the street like another mother mentioned...you get them out of the street and safe, then express your concern and show your fear, you don't instill further fear and harm by spanking. It's hard to keep in mind how the child views the parents' actions, but it's important. Just my opinion.

Charlie - posted on 11/19/2009

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Quoting Lydia:

If you called the police for hitting another adult in the same way that most parents use to "smack" thir children you would have some pretty p***ed off police officers for wasting their time (either that or they will literally laugh at you). You are not talking about abuse (as illegal for children as it is for adults) you are talking about smacking, I have smacked and laughed when I realised I was actually tapping my daughters butt harder to comfort her than I did to smack her - they get upset because of the context of the tap rather than because it causes pain. Guess that makes me pro...


I am not sure where you are from but here in Australia striking an adult is most certainly assult , In fact merely threatening a person with a raised hand but without actual contact is considered assult .



An assault is any act which intentionally or recklessly causes another person to fear immediate and unlawful violence.



 



So yes if you smack an adult it is assult in Australia .




Shaliqua - posted on 11/19/2009

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i say if you can get your child to behave with out the popping then dont do it but i do pop my kids when they need to be and let them know i still love them.

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Pro. Spanking not abuse. I dont tolerate fit throwing, spitting at your mother, yelling back, and letting Johnny choose his own meals. By the age of 2 , they pretty much have it figured out and by 1 learned to whisper at the breakfast table, in church, restaurants, etc. My child is not a dog and I expect more out of them then that. They have to get a job and function in life, my dog doesnt. But then again, I took her to obedient school too. My son holds the doors for ladies, gets up when elderly people need a seat on the bus and shakes someones hand when introduced. This isnt a dog, it's a person.

Cher - posted on 11/19/2009

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And one last thing.....we do exhaust all other means of discipline before resorting to spanking....

Cher - posted on 11/19/2009

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Gwen I TOTALLY AGREE.....I AM FAR FROM LAZY MY FRIEND....Just because some of us have chosen different methods of disciplining our children, such as spanking, NOT BEATING, NOT ABUSING, does not make us lazy parents. Furthermore, how dare you make that assumption, you don't even know me....I AM AN EXCELLENT MOTHER...I SIT WITH MY CHILDREN EVERYDAY AND READ TO THEM, I CRAWL AROUND ON THE FLOOR PLAYING TRUCKS, I PLAY KICKBALL WITH A HERNIATED DISC, I VOLUNTEER AT EVERY FUNCTION AT MY CHILDRENS SCHOOL, AND I GO TO SCHOOL FULL TIME...SO DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME LAZY THERE ARE NO QUICK FIXES AT MY HOUSE.....JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO SPANK DOES NOT MAKE YOU RIGHT AND ME WRONG!!!!! In case you are confused Suzanne this message is for you.....you owe several of us an apology for you NARROWMINDED statement...

Mandy - posted on 11/19/2009

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I am pro. I think there are times when it's necessary. There is a huge difference in spanking and beating. I would say never to spank a child out of anger or frustration. I have two children, one of each sex. One learns, mostly, by a simple talk or an explanation of why she shouldn't being a certain thing, but that does not work with my son. We've tried different things and use several different mothods depending on the offense. My children are well behaved and have great respect for adults. My husband and I are well educated and respectful members of society and we grew up with spankings. I believe that every child is different and should be disciplined for wrong doings.

Nichole - posted on 11/19/2009

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I'm for spanking. I was spanked as a child and it did me good, some kids need a good smack on the ass. I don't do it often, only for serious punishments... mostly I use time out in the corner. comparing your child to a dog is totally ridiculous.. its nowhere near comparison. i'd also like to point out that there is a difference in "a tap on the ass" and "beating your kids ass".

Angela - posted on 11/19/2009

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Quoting Tanya:



Quoting Loureen:

What gets me is its NOT ok to be aggressive towards an adult , you can get charged for it , but its ok to behave aggressively towards a small child who is only trying to find their boundaries and way in the world and instead of taking the extra time to teach them in a peaceful manner , people hit them , often out of anger or without explanation and even with explanation what is that saying , hit first , talk later ?

I guess i just would prefer a child not behave badly out of respect for me not fear , i feel i should be a leader not dictator to my child .






I totally agree. I read somwhere that starting with discipline early is th ekey. Before I actually read I thought : Yeah Right Like I can tell me 9m old baby No . But then I read Further. THEY will want to push the boundary further evry time so when they are so young start by saying withiut raising yourvoice no once and mive them from the crime scene. and use the No word sparingly! by the gae of two they will recognise a no as not -negotiable and the trick is to sternly keep thi sup. without raising your voice say no firmly and wait for a response if they move forward remove them again. by this repitition when they reach the gae of 4 they realise no means move on to th enext activity. without traumatising yourself or your child!






This brings my point right here. If there are still people doing the spanking you are referring to I can see why people are against a swat against the butt. Children need boundaries and they will test it. What is important is that when we discipline, we are consistent. When my daughter first started doing walks with me, she hated holding my hand and now she knows to hold my hand without me saying anything most times. If she's really excited though, then I need to remind her. Same with seatbelts. Hated them, but now she will remind me if I get distracted and she's not seatbelted in her car seat. It has only happened once, but she cried because I started the car and she was not belted in yet. I think that's awesome when children understand the why. Any time I've had to stop fast and the seatbelt has tugged her back, I've explained to her that is why she needs to wear her seatbelt so I strongly believe discipline should teach the child to make decisions as they get older and they should never do stuff out of fear. My daughter does not fear me. Anyone who knows me and her will tell you how attached my daughter is to me and loving she is when it comes to me. I play with her, I love her, and I discipline her in a loving manner. She gets a lot of leeway/choices where I can because I read a book that if you say yes more often and are not controlling the child, they take no better and I have found that true with my daughter.



I also see parents who are against spanking, but will yell at their children and will call them names. I think that is wrong. Telling your child they are stupid or anything of the like does not help children either. It lowers their self-esteem and they don't learn any lessons so I'm wondering what parents think about that.



Also I want to know when a parent does act irrationally towards their child which happens to all of us whether we admit it or not, do you apologize to your child. I'm a single mom so there are times when I am really stressed and I will yell at my daughter (not name call) and it's like a rant. I always apologize to her. Always. I want her to know that even I make mistakes, but we have to apologize for our actions and we have to make things right. I always do and let her know that my behavior is not okay. It doesn't happen often, but it doesn't matter.

Angela - posted on 11/19/2009

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I'm the kind of parent where we need to use all the tools in the arsenal. I'm not pro spanking all the time, but I agree with the person who says sometimes they are necessary. If it's between my daughter getting run over by a car or grabbing her arm and pulling her out of harm's way, I'm going to do the latter, and if she almost hurts herself after repeatedly talking to her and telling her to stop it, she's going to get a swat on the butt. Not hard mind you. Just enough for her to look up at me and know that I'm not fooling around.



Everyone has to find out what works for their children. I don't believe in spanking my daughter all the time. I believe it's a last resort when all the other tools in the toolbox do not work. If she's having a tantrum on the floor, do I think spanking should be a tool in the toolbox? No. She's just going to cry more. I have found in those instances what works best is to walk away or ignore it and let her get it all out and then calmly talk to her and teach her appropriate ways of expressing herself. Sometimes when she's not having a tantrum and we are playing with her dolls, I will make them have tantrums so she can see what that looks like and she gets a laugh out of it, but I have found that at 3 she very rarely has those meltdowns now.



I agree with the parents that children are not our friends, they are not adults, but I do believe that part of discipline is teaching our children how to behave appropriately and they should know why they are being punnished and the punnishment should fit the situation and be what will be most effective. The main thing I learned about discipline is that it needs to be delivered in a calm, loving manner. I think the reason why so many people are against spanking is because they are thinking of when parents would beat their children and would use belts and sometimes give it to them on their bare bottoms. That punnishment was degrading (if on the bare bottom bent over a chair). What was worse was some parents did it to ease their frustration. Not as a form of discipline.



Most of the parents I talk to now that use spanking as a form of discipline, use it rarely (their children are not being spanked every day. Not even every week or month. It's done rarely.) It is not a true spanking. It is a swat on the clothed butt with the hand while the child is standing. One swat, not repeatedly and not with a belt or a switch or a spoon. My daughter doesn't even cry when I swat her butt, but I'm not doing it to make her cry. It's done so she turns off the selective hearing and looks at me and then I can deliver the message. That's why other parents I know who swat their children's butts do it. For the same reasons. We also give time-outs, take toys away when they are misuing them, and deliver other consequences for their actions. It's not the end all/be all form of discipline.

Lesley - posted on 11/19/2009

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It worked for me. My kids had bounderies and they knew them. But it went hand in hand with the lots of love. I was never afraid to give hugs, tell them how much I loved them, showed them love, stood up for themn if I thought they were right. I have seen to many kids who were "talked" to instead of a good smack with no direction in life and end up as nothings. A good smack, with great loving works wonders. I have two stable and successful kids. Spare the rod and spoil the child has resulted in generations of kids that have no direction in life or even lives. In SA these kids murder and rape, are treated with kids gloves, and we have more than a generation of directionless and misguided reprobates.

Tanya - posted on 11/19/2009

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Quoting Loureen:

What gets me is its NOT ok to be aggressive towards an adult , you can get charged for it , but its ok to behave aggressively towards a small child who is only trying to find their boundaries and way in the world and instead of taking the extra time to teach them in a peaceful manner , people hit them , often out of anger or without explanation and even with explanation what is that saying , hit first , talk later ?

I guess i just would prefer a child not behave badly out of respect for me not fear , i feel i should be a leader not dictator to my child .



I totally agree. I read somwhere that starting with discipline early is th ekey. Before I actually read I thought : Yeah Right Like I can tell me 9m old baby No . But then I read Further. THEY will want to push the boundary further evry time so when they are so young start by saying withiut raising yourvoice no once and mive them from the crime scene. and use the No word sparingly! by the gae of two they will recognise a no as not -negotiable and the trick is to sternly keep thi sup. without raising your voice say no firmly and wait for a response if they move forward remove them again. by this repitition when they reach the gae of 4 they realise no means move on to th enext activity. without traumatising yourself or your child!

Tanya - posted on 11/19/2009

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Against. My hubbie now has a little (well not so little) boy of 12 yrs. He has never spanked him and he has manners. It can work. When He acts up his Dad sternly addresses the issue and he backs off. Even with me all I have to do is threaten that His Dad will hear about this and he listens. Hope it works with my 9m old in the futur... oh and he is a loving fater. They still play together...

[deleted account]

If you called the police for hitting another adult in the same way that most parents use to "smack" thir children you would have some pretty p***ed off police officers for wasting their time (either that or they will literally laugh at you). You are not talking about abuse (as illegal for children as it is for adults) you are talking about smacking, I have smacked and laughed when I realised I was actually tapping my daughters butt harder to comfort her than I did to smack her - they get upset because of the context of the tap rather than because it causes pain. Guess that makes me pro...

Estelle - posted on 11/19/2009

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Greetings fellow Moms. On spanking I wasn't 100% against it, but I will say I could count on one hand the number of times I swatted my kids on their bum. I saved a quick well placed spank for matters of life or death. (For example in a parking lot when my child choose to run from me). Our rule was to always keep one hand on the car, at all times, as I was taking them and usually their sibling, out of the car, When I was ready to go. We would hold hands and walk together into the store. I think both of them tried just once to try and run from me before I was ready to start off.. In a case as dire as that I gave them a quick sharp swat to bum. I wanted to save a spank for just the most important things.

For day to day discipline I think spanking is used way too often, usually it's when the parent who has lost control of the situation.. They are the one frustrated exhausted and usually angry. That is not the mind set for effective discipline or correction. When used correctly,"time out", or sitting right next to Mom for a few minutes is much more logical and teaches the lesson that you set out to do. But consistency is everything. And both parents need to be on the same page. with those time outs. Even out in public, and even if you are a little embarrassed you have to follow through. Even at a very young age if my child started acting out in a store and didn't heed a warning, I would take them out and sit them in the car as I stood outside it. When they agreed that they were ready to behave, we went back in and finished my shopping. Same went in a restaurant. Anyway, that's my humble, but long winded answer .

Charlie - posted on 11/18/2009

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What gets me is its NOT ok to be aggressive towards an adult , you can get charged for it , but its ok to behave aggressively towards a small child who is only trying to find their boundaries and way in the world and instead of taking the extra time to teach them in a peaceful manner , people hit them , often out of anger or without explanation and even with explanation what is that saying , hit first , talk later ?

I guess i just would prefer a child not behave badly out of respect for me not fear , i feel i should be a leader not dictator to my child .

Angel - posted on 11/18/2009

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I totally agree Kimberly! Sometimes talking with my 3 1/2 y/o son is very tough, he may still shout at me or throw himself on the floor kicking. I do have to say it's partially my fault for spoiling him, but of course i learned my lesson :-)

Kimberly - posted on 11/18/2009

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I'm sure no parent would disagree with the statement that it is hard work teaching our children. I can say that with the spankings my child has received, his will has never been in jeopardy. It is always the best to be able to sit and talk with your own child about the situation at hand and I don't see why this would be eliminated b/c of a spanking. My son has a talking to before and after a spanking. We make sure that his punishment is understood and that he understands why he is getting it. "Most children who get spanked feel that the spanker is mean and they do not learn much from it", is quite the statement to make when I'm sure that extensive studies and research would be in order for such a claim to hold any validity. Spanking is no quick fix as I don't believe there is any quick fix in parenting. I don't believe that there is one method of discipline that works for every infraction; there are times for spankings, time out's, with-holding priviledges, extra chores, writing sentences, cleaning the yard, scrubbing walls, noses in corners, apologies....the list goes on, as it should. Spankings should by no means be an every day occurrence, but they are not something I have X'd off my list of options when it comes to dealing with my son.

Gwen - posted on 11/18/2009

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"Spanking is like a quick fix for lazy parents...."
That is an EXTREMELY narrow-minded statement to make.

Suzanne Schave - posted on 11/18/2009

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Spanking is pretty stupid, really. It doesn't do any good. My son laughs at me when I swat him. Most children who get spanked feel that the spanker is mean and they do not learn much from it. It breaks the will of children if you hit them hard enough to actually hurt them and that kind of pain will remain with that child for the rest of their lives. I think taking away their hobbies temporarily helps better, at least for me- it leaves my son with nothing else to do but hang out with me and then we can talk about the situation when we are calmer. It's hard work teaching our children- you have to put in some effort. Spanking is like a quick fix for lazy parents....

Kimberly - posted on 11/18/2009

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Well, I hate to be the odd one out, but I am ok with spankings; not with beating your child. I do think that spankings should be used as more of a last resort versus rather than thinking of it as the ideal punishment. If there's one thing I hate, it is giving a spanking to my 7 yr. old boy, but those 3 swats on the bottom do seem to stick with him and get the message across. Lisa said that "children are the only people in this society anybody is allowed to hit", this is something that I do not agree. I do not think that our children should be allowed to be"hit" just any which way a parent pleases. There is abuse out there and striking a child out of uncontrolled anger is a sure fire way to lead up to it. I'm sure that more people than not have had their share of spankings when they were younger and I believe it is a matter of deciding b/t those cases in which were physical abuse and those that were an unpleasant reminder on the behind.

Crystal - posted on 11/18/2009

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IT'S AN EXTREMELY PERSONAL CHOICE THAT IS "HOW TO RAISE YOUR CHILDREN" MY HUSBAND & I DECIDED LONG BEFORE WE WERE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN NOT TO SPANK OR HIT AND HAVE STOOD BEHIND OUR DECISION ALL THE TIME, EVEN IN TOUGH TIMES WITH OUR KIDS. WE USE OTHER METHODS...TIME-OUTS, LOSING PRIVLIGES....GAME-TIME, TV TIME, TOYS...ETC. IT HAS WORKED FOR US. FOR US THE THOUGHT OF HITTING OR SPANKING OUR CHILDREN IS JUST WRONG AND HAS GREAT POTENTIAL TO BE VERY DAMAGING TO THEM IF NOT NOW THEN IN THE FUTURE WHEN THEY LOOK OR THINK BACK TO HOW WE TREATED THEM. IT'S JUST NOT WHAT WE WANT FOR OUR FAMILY. AND FURTHER MORE IF THE PARENTS CHOOSE NOT TO SPANK OR HIT, THEN ANYONE ELSE THAT CARES FOR THEM HAS NO RIGHT WHAT SO EVER TO SPANK OR HIT THOSE KIDS EITHER.

Desiree - posted on 11/18/2009

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I don't think spanking is totally wrong, but for me, I don't need to. I think Spanking is pointless and unnecessary, but some moms choose to...

Stacy - posted on 11/18/2009

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Hitting a person who is smaller and weaker than you is not debatable. No matter what you call it. Whether you actually hurt the person or not, it is degrading and doesn't teach them a true lesson. We have laws against this for adults and we actually teach our children not to hit other people. I liken children to the elderly often because these are two stages of life when you are at the mercy of those around you to assist you and both stages deserve to be treated with respect. There will be a point where you are older and may not be able to control your bladder or keep your food in your mouth, spill things, be prone to emotional outbursts, etc. I imagine that you will not want your caregiver to smack you.
Yes, it takes a degree of patience. You will be reminding your kids of the same things over and over again until they are grown. This is the job you signed up for. My children are in their teens and twenties now and I know there is no "quick fix". They were not hit or screamed at. This is a basic Christian principal, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." There is not an addendum that says, "unless they are smaller than you are".

A good read is "Discipline without Shouting or Spanking".

Sarah - posted on 11/18/2009

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I am pro. Have you seen the children in our society these days? Seriously people. They are the most disrespectful, ungrateful, rude children of any of our generations. I used to work at a grocery store and man oh man that place brings out the worst in children. Sometimes children need a spanking and I understand that some people are completely against it, and I respect that, but I am fearful for our future generations. It is called discipline and lets face it children need it. Americans are on this new age kick where they treat children like an adult. Well, they are not adults and they are still developing and don't know the difference between right and wrong. Spankings are necessary when lying takes place or when they do something completely awful that they know is wrong. I am not saying all the time or even crossing the line when you do it, but, yes sometimes it is necessary.

Trina - posted on 11/18/2009

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For it, but with guidelines. Know what you're working on with your child, and only spank for that one thing. Otherwise you could be spanking for the wrong reasons (i.e. anger and frustration). I also think spanking is for only younger children who don't have he capacity to learn by means of reasoning. My 5-year old understands the loss of privileges, but my 2-year old doesn't.

Cher - posted on 11/18/2009

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It is definetely a debatable subject...I think that it is whatever works best for YOUR children...they are all different and respond differently to discipline. My boys are 5 and 3 and are very headstrong and hardheaded (so am I)...Good example...On the way home the other night the boys began using the words such as boobies and poopoo in every sentence, which they both know they are now allowed to do,now I know boys will be boys but we do not allow them to speak that way. Kids at that age do not know the difference between when there is a right time and a wrong time to play using such words. I asked them repeatedly to stop it, took away the 5 y/o DSI and the 3 y/o ipod, that didn't work, so I tried to take their minds off of it by singing to the radio, that didn't work, tried the seasonal, Santa is watching and so it GOD, that didn't work...by this time we are arriving home so I one last time said if you don't stop you are going to get a spanking, they thought that was funny but only momentarily because I held true to my word and spanked them both as soon as we walked thru the back door. That was Sunday today is Wednesday and I have not heard those words again,.....yet...And Carly, my kids are also spoiled and there is nothing wrong with that as long as you are also teaching them responsibility and respect.

Carly - posted on 11/18/2009

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I am definately con. We have never spanked our 3 boys, 7, 6 & 3. We find alternative methods when dealing with a tantrum or not getting their way. We take them out of the situation and put them in a new one, and they easily forget. Our boys are spoiled and have everything they want, but they gladly appreciate gifts from the dollar store. They do not act like spoiled brats. No spanking for me, especially after u hear and see all of the poor children that go thru so much with some parents physically and mentally.

Angela - posted on 11/18/2009

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I agree with Cher. I think in the past extensive spanking was acceptable because thats what our parents knew, but now we realize it is not appropriate and as long as we learn from our parents mistakes then I don't think a spank on the bottom when necessary is out of line. I have seen parents (friends) who utilize the "talk and teach" or even "time out only" methods with their children and the kids repeat the bad behavior even after the lecture because they know there will be no real consequences.

Cher - posted on 11/18/2009

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Gwen I totally agree with....Now my mom did spank me inappropriately but I learned from her example. I do spank my children because it gets their attention and it's either that or hollering at them all the time. There is a right way and a wrong way to discipline/spank and as long as you don't cross that line then I am for it.

Gwen - posted on 11/18/2009

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pro.



a swat on the butt gets her attention and certainly hurts her FAR less than a car could when she runs out into the street.



i also received a few spanks as a child and grew up just fine. i do not feel fearful, degraded or like my self-esteem was damaged. in fact, i am an intelligent, respectful contributing member of society.

Minnie - posted on 11/18/2009

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Well, saw the clip this morning, and the 'Clinical Psychologist' they had speaking was a pointless addition. She offered no more to it than the moms who gave their thoughts. No research, no studies, nothing worth her profession- just a lot of 'I think this' and 'I think that.'

Charlie - posted on 11/17/2009

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completely against it , you can train a dog without hitting it why would you afford your child less respect than a dog ?

Degrading and backwards .



Is this the Today show in Australia or America ??

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