Spend Xmas day with my son or partner of 7 yrs.

Mary - posted on 12/16/2013 ( 19 moms have responded )

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My partner does not want my son (26) for Xmas dinner but I don't want to not spend it without my partner. What do I do?

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/16/2013

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What does your son want to do?

To be quite honest, he's a big boy now...and if he dislikes Christmas, it may actually be hurtful for you to try to force him into it!

Actually, to be brutally, bluntly honest, ALL of those men need to pull their heads out of their asses and act like adults. If your partner's father says it's a holiday for families, and your son is family...it's a no brainer.

And if your partner can't swallow his bile for one day to have a family day...again, a no brainer.

However, were I your son, I'd despise the thought of spending christmas with a couple of crotchety old coots anyway!

So, how about you ask your son what he wants to do. If he expresses a desire to join you, then tell partner and papa to suck it up and have a family day. Personally? I'd never force someone to participate of the rest of the group refuses to make them welcome.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/18/2013

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I think I'm still a little disturbed about the "I can't allow my son to spend Christmas alone", and "if he wants to go to dinner with friends I'll let him".

If the man is 26 years old, and you're still giving or rescinding permission for him to do things...that's a bit much too...

But, whatever. It sounds like you've got it worked out.

Michelle - posted on 12/16/2013

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I agree with the others. Christmas is a time to put all those horrible things aside and enjoy being with your WHOLE family. If your FIL can't accept your son then your partner needs to stand up to him.
I also have 2 children from a previous marriage and my in laws always include them. They do live on the other side of the world but always send cards for birthdays and christmas. My ex husband also includes my daughter from my current marriage since she is the boys half sister.
Maybe if your son doesn't like the whole Christmas thing then have a nice dinner a few days before with him. He is old enough to decide what he wants to do.

Jodi - posted on 12/16/2013

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If your partner's father can't accept your son as part of the family, then he isn't accepting YOU as part of his family. Sorry, but maybe your partner needs to grow some balls and tell his father that your son IS part of the family. I can understand why your son is upset. How rude!!! What do you do? You tell your partner it is time to take a stand. Believe me, if my FIL (who is also in his mid 80s) decided that my son wasn't family just because he isn't my husband's child, you know what would happen at Christmas? He wouldn't see any of us. But my son has been accepted as family since day one. As it should be. If my husband DARED to allow happen what your partner is allowing to happen, I would take that as a sign of total disrespect.

19 Comments

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Leela - posted on 12/22/2013

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Hi Mary, I read your posts and thought she's very strong and has this figured out. I just want to share my thoughts. You've been with your partner 7 years, that makes your son 19 when you started dating. That's not the easiest age to bond with your partner's child. You haven't stated how your son feels about your partner but its quite possible that he is feeding off your son's vibes and vice versa. As the single mom of a boy, I've seen how my son is when I date - I don't think our kids want to see us as 'women', just 'mom'. In my view they're both adults, ergo they both have to make the effort to create a good relationship between them. With regards to your partner's father, I think you also need to consider your partner's point of view. His father is an old man, with probably not much time left on this earth. He's been there his whole life - how do you choose between the parent that raised you versus the person you love? It's a lose lose situation. You are upset, and rightfully so, that your son was not invited, in effect you are making your partner choose between your father and you,the same way you are torn between your son and him. Yes your partner should have your back, but do you also have his? A couple of years ago I went through something similar with my mother and fiancé. It was horrible and they both felt I didn't love them 'enough' to choose them. In my view live doesn't work that - the more love you have, the more there is to give. Do yourself a favor and recognize that all relationships are imperfect, and part of that imperfection is not choosing one over the other. Split the day, spend Christmas Eve with one and Christmas with another.....I'm sure there is a way to make this work. All the best!

Lorena - posted on 12/22/2013

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Spend Christmas Eve W/ 1 and Christmas Day with the other. If your son is 26, her will understand Christmas Eve a lot more than a partner of 7 years.

Mary - posted on 12/20/2013

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Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to give their advice. I do hope everyone has a very merry day.

Jo - posted on 12/20/2013

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no contest...he shouldn;'t make you choose...he might just be surprised who you pick to celebrate Christmas with.. Sounds painful for you.sorry

Motherwolf - posted on 12/19/2013

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It is sometimes difficult for women to recognize "disrespect" on the part of a "boyfriend", or his family. I agree that this is a Christian holiday and you can remember that you are a good person and not let anyone make you feel "less" by setting unkind goals for you. You already know what you want to do. Do it. You do not need our consent, but you do have our blessings. Have a Merry Christmas.

Michelle - posted on 12/19/2013

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You've also said that your partner ignores your son, why have you stayed with someone who won't accept your child?
I would have left him years ago, you are a package deal. It doesn't matter that your son is grown, he is still a part of you.

Mary - posted on 12/19/2013

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Hi Lalaboom

My partner's father does not want my son to come to my partner's house, where I live on Xmas day. He states its for family. My son only has me, he has no father. He is unable to go anywhere far as he has two dogs, so he needs to tend to them. I feel no one should be on their own on Xmas day. I am extremely upset with my partner's father because if anything happened to my partner I would have his dad at Xmas, thus not leaving him on his own. I meant I can't allow my son to be on his own, what kind of mother would.

LalaBoom - posted on 12/18/2013

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I was going to respond but it seems everyone gave you very good advice.

I don't mean to keep the mill running past its time, but could you indulge my curiosity?

You said your partner does not want your son for xmas. Then you say its your partner's father. Is it both, or who is it?

You also say you "can't allow" a 26y/o man to make his choice about what to do for xmas. What do you mean you "can't allow"?

When the first commenter suggested your partner accept you and your son, you responded with "its a little more complicated than that." Why don't your partner's family not consider him "family" or want him around for xmas?

Mary - posted on 12/18/2013

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Hi Kim. Thanks for your advice. We did this at the beginning of our relationship and I feel that 7 yrs down the line, we as adults should not be spending the day apart. I have lived with my partner for almost 6 yrs and his son returned 18 months ago. He has been living with us. I have accepted his son, treat him as if he is one of my own. No differences made, my family are ignored by my partner, but now that his father has involved himself I feel it is time to move on. If my partner can't support me, sadly there is no future for us. I understand he is also in a difficult situation but it's his father causing the problems. To everyone who has kindly taken the time to advise & support me have a Very Merry Xmas.

Kim - posted on 12/17/2013

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That is a very difficult situation. I wasn't allowed over my husband's house when we were dating for the same reason ur partner's father said. How does ur son feel? I know as a mom u don't want ur son to be alone on Christmas but if it doesn't seem to bother him than go with ur partner. Or maybe u can split the day between both. Sorry that u have to deal with this.

Michelle - posted on 12/17/2013

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Sounds like a perfect way to spend the day Mary.
I myself will be chilling at home as well. We celebrate on the 24th and Christmas day is my only day off work so I won't be doing anything!!!!!

Mary - posted on 12/17/2013

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Thanks to all your advice and support. I have decided to say to my son if he wants to go to his friends for dinner, then he can. I will stay in our house and look after the dogs. The whole thing has left a nasty taste in my mouth now anyhow. I don't want to spend the day with my partner's father. I feel that Xmas is not only about presents and good food, it's about being Christian. He is not, so the upshot of the whole thing is my partner can spend Xmas with his dad and friend and I will spend it on my own, with my dogs, in my pyjama's. Totally relaxed and not running about like a headless chicken after an old man who does not appreciate it.

Thanks to all for your thoughts and everyone have a fab day.

Mary - posted on 12/16/2013

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Hi Thanks for replying

It's a little more complicated than that. My partner's father (84) has stated Xmas day is for the family. I have spent Xmas day with them for the past 5 yrs. My son is 26, hates Xmas but I can't allow him to be on his own. I am really upset that my partner's father, which I am close to is not putting my partner in a position and obviously me to.

Kim - posted on 12/16/2013

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If your partner loved you they would accept your son too and not put you in a position to choose. I understand that it is "easier said than done" but in my opinion I think your partner needs to grow up and let you have Christmas with everyone you love.

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