spending too much money...

Amy - posted on 04/19/2014 ( 27 moms have responded )

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Lately, I've noticed that my boyfriend hasn't been taking his lunch to work and has been buying lunch either at the cafeteria at work or at a restaurant. This equals out to about $7/day and it is quickly adding up. My concern is the money...we have a family to take care of and he's out spending money on lunch everyday when he could be taking lunch from home. $7/day x working 7 days/week is almost $50!!! $200 a month if he continues!!! We cannot be wasting money like that!! I really don't know what he is thinking. Yes it is his money he's earned, but still...it's not like we can get all that money back in case of an emergency or something! It's really, really getting to me, and i want to bring it up to him, but I don't know how. Any suggestions??? Or am I wrong here??

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/22/2014

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Amy, just because YOU do things a certain way (don’t communicate much with your friends, etc), you cannot expect everyone to live the way you are content to live.

EVERYONE needs healthy friendships outside of their relationship. You cannot immerse yourselves in each other to the exclusion of all else. It is not healthy.

I’ve been married for 25 years. We communicate. Do I tell him every time I interact with a male? No. Do I need to? No. Does he want me to? The last time I said ‘’honey, I ran into sam at the grocery, and we chatted for a few”, he said “ok, and what’s your point”? Because he really didn’t care that I spent time in the checkout line visiting with a guy I’d gone to school with 25 years ago. Just like I don’t care that his friend Vicky calls & chats with him regularly.

Now, the money thing: If you haven’t already, you need to sit down together and work on your budget. There’s no reason that each of you cannot treat yourselves once in awhile. As you get more financially stable, there’s no reason for him not to buy his lunch if that makes him happy, but if you’re struggling now to make ends meet, you both need to agree on expenditures. You shouldn’t dictate to him, nor he to you. It needs to be a discussion involving both of you.

You REALLY need to relax. Make an appointment with the counselor, and KEEP IT. I'm very concerned about your continued health, if you're allowing this many things to get under your skin this early into being a parent.

Michelle - posted on 04/22/2014

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If you want him to stop forgetting lunch then you can always get up when he does and give it to him as he walks out the door.

Jodi - posted on 04/19/2014

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Why not just ask him? Approach him and say that you've noticed he hasn't been taking his lunch lately, is there a problem? See what he says and take it from there.

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Amy - posted on 04/22/2014

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was supposed to be yesterday actually. went to the appointment and the receptionist told me that the appointment would not be covered under my particular insurance. so, unfortunately, i had to cancel it on the spot as it would have been $235 upfront. i'm really, really disappointed about it.

Amy - posted on 04/22/2014

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well, a big reason i vent about a lot of things on here, is because i do NOT bring up a large portion of these things to him (and if i do it's usually not as in depth as it gets on here sometimes). so, circle of moms allows me to have a healthy place where i can share my feelings and/or see if how i'm feeling is right/wrong or what i can do better. i come on here and post because otherwise my only option is keeping it all bottled up and let me tell you, that does not work out well when i bottle things up. and jodi, i gotta be honest---sometimes i really think me being more like his mother might work in my favor! lol. she's got some sort of obsessive/possessive hold on him, so maybe things would work better if i were more like her.... he seems to respond well to her overall, so, maybe acting like his mother might just be the answer to my prayers....

and honestly, yes, there are other things that i 'nag' him about if that's the word you want to use. i just want the best for him, our son and our family. it's difficult for me to understand how he goes about things or why he wants to go do certain things when i don't think any of those things are necessary. just like he doesn't understand my need for an immaculately clean home with no clutter at all hours of the day and so on...

Jodi - posted on 04/22/2014

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You're not his mother. You need to stop acting like it. Give him a goddamn break!!!! You nag on him about his lunches, you nag on him about spending money on soda, you nag on him about his parents, you nag on him having friendships with girls, is there anything else you are nagging on him about? I'm sorry if this is blunt, but give him back his balls!!! Let him do something RIGHT for a change. Let him makes some decisions without you being critical of him. You are pushing him away with your possessiveness and controlling behaviour. Believe me, you are NOT doing your relationship any favours.

Amy - posted on 04/22/2014

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no. but hey, say he buys a soda everyday at work. first, that's awful for your teeth. second, it's a $1.50/soda so with him working 7 days a week that equals $10.50. $10.50/week for a whole month is $42. wasting almost $50 per month on bad-for-you soda??!!! crazy! jodi that's almost $50 that could be spent on something we really need for our son or for the house. maybe i'm crazy for looking at everything in this sort of light, but i think it's pretty logical. however, i'm well-aware that people, for the most part, don' t look at things that way. people figure if they've got money at a particular time, and they're hungry or feel like buying something they'll just spend it without thinking about it when they've got a bill that might be due in a week or something, ya know?

Amy - posted on 04/22/2014

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yeah unfortunately i am usually already awake when he gets up for work. i reminded him this morning to take it and he did. ya know, even if he takes it that still doesn't guarantee that he won't waste money on a soda or even buy more food. aahhhhhh....not much i can do i guess..

Jodi - posted on 04/22/2014

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My husband forgets to take his lunch all the time. Several days in a row is nothing to be suspicious about.

Amy - posted on 04/22/2014

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yes, i did ask him about it and said he had just forgotten it. i don't know though, that's several days in a row where he just 'forgot' it and wasted all that money to buy lunch at work. oh well i suppose...can't get that money back. i really don't mean to or want to be controlling, i just want the best and want our money to be put where it needs to be put and not be spent un-wisely. we're not rich, so every penny counts for us--at least for me.

Leela - posted on 04/21/2014

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Amy I forget my lunch home all the time, as Jodi said mornings can be a daze. That said, you are coming across as a bit controlling. Have a talk with him and explain your concern about money but don't make it into a demand that he has to follow what you say. Good luck

Jodi - posted on 04/19/2014

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Everyone needs a life outside of their spouse and child. Some people more than others, but most people ARE unhappy if their entire life has to revolve around only their little family. You are entitled to have a life of your own too. There is nothing wrong with him wanting time to himself, or for his activities, as long as if you say "honey, I'd like a night out with the girls" he is okay with that too.

Amy - posted on 04/19/2014

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i think your situation sounds a bit different because most of your communication with other men sounds work-related? but correct me if i'm wrong. his communication with other girls isn't work-related. in my head, it's just unnecessary. would i like to talk to my friends more? sure. but i don't because i don't need to. i have my son and my boyfriend. they're what's important to me.

to be quite honest, he doesn't really have a life outside of my son and i and i KNOW he wishes he did. i won't say he wishes he had his 'old life' back where he was partying, making new friends, staying up late, doing whatever he wants whenever he wants (even though that's what I FEEL he wants), but i know he is very unhappy in our current state (as am I because i hate feeling so negative about everything). all he wants is to see his family more (which i can't quite grasp because he still communicates with his mother at least once everyday so i don't know how he's not getting his fill of family time), see his friends, feel like he could go ride his motorcycle with his stepdad since they enjoy that, and just be 'normal' i guess. frankly, it makes me feel really sad because it's like he would come up with any excuse to not be at home with us. he gets a limited amount of time at home with his family, yet he would prefer to spend that time going to his parents house, having them come here, go ride his motorcycle, go see a friend, etc. plus i know he is exhausted every day after work, so, i guess it's more exhausting for him to be at home with us rather than to get ready, drive to a friends house, hang out, drive back, then have to go straight to bed. makes no sense to me. and also, he wants to go do all these things while i am the one who has to stay at home with our son and he's out gallivanting around--it makes me resent him.

Jodi - posted on 04/19/2014

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But here's the thing.....I talk to guys all the time. I work with guys. I text guys because I work with them. Some nights I may email them or text them. I don't always tell my husband about it. Why should I? It's works stuff generally. It bores him. I went out after work the other night and had lifts with other men to places. I ended up catching a taxi home because I chose to come home when I did. No big deal. My husband's comment "you go out and have a great time, honey". Why? Because my husband trusts me. If my husband worked with women and the situation were reversed, I wouldn't have an issue either.

You can't "own" your partner. They need to have a life outside of you too. Just as you need to have a life outside of your partner. It isn't healthy for you to only have a relationship with each other. Personally, I think you are being far too possessive. I am sorry if you take offense to that observation (after all, I am only taking the information you are giving me and don't know you personally), but from the things you have said in this, and other posts, I think you need to back off a little. Get that counselling, but expect to be told to back off a bit. You are just being a little full on.

Amy - posted on 04/19/2014

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well, it bothers me because i don't know what they're talking about. why does he need to talk to other girls?....i'm right here when he gets home, so he can talk to me if he needs to talk. i'm not talking to guys behind his back---and if i do happen to communicate with any of the few guy friends i have it's because they've contacted me first and then i tell my boyfriend about it. i don't go out of my way to talk to the friends i do have (guys or girls) because i know i hate when he does it. i know for a fact he doesn't tell me every time he talks to one of these girls. we've been together 1 1/2 years.

and thanks!

Jodi - posted on 04/19/2014

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Why does it bother you when he talks to girls? Ask yourself that question. How long have you been with him?

I think it's great you guys are seeking some counselling, because there genuinely seem to be some trust issues in your relationship that need to be resolved.

Amy - posted on 04/19/2014

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it already is an issue with us. i've never had an ACTUAL reason until just the other week when he lied about who text him--and his reasoning for not being honest was because he knows how much it bothers me when he talks to other girls, so he didn't want to upset me. sooo...lying was the better option there?? hmmm.. am i stupid for staying in this relationship after he lied straight to my face the other week? how can i trust anything he says anymore jodi??

Jodi - posted on 04/19/2014

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I'm a glass half full type of person. But one thing I do know is that you need to trust your partner. Not having trust for your partner will wear your relationship out. Believe me, I know. I was on the other end of that with my ex husband. He didn't trust me (for absolutely no reason at all). He thought I was having affairs with other men. He though every time I had to go away for work I was cheating on him. He thought I went behind his back on everything. Honestly, it just got too much and I couldn't take it any more. You need to find a way to trust him. Believe me, it will become an issue in your relationship if you can't.

Amy - posted on 04/19/2014

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my head always goes to the negative! lol. i mean really, it does. it's so difficult for me to put my full trust in people--even him--because i feel like if i do that then they might be getting away with lying to me and i might never find out about it. do you know what i mean? how stupid am i for trusting someone and thinking they're not hiding anything from me only to find out at some point down the road that i was lied to??

i mean here's the thing: i FIGURED he is spending money on his lunch everyday because he's not taking his lunch from home, but, now i KNOW for a fact he is because i checked our joint account the other day because i needed to go grab a few things at the store and it shows money is being spent at the same food place everyday.

and as of recently, i do have reason to not trust him. i saw a text he got and it was from a girl (i didn't recognize the name) and it said 'is that all?'. awhile later i saw him pick up his phone (which means he saw that message) and he set it right back down without saying anything about getting a text from a friend or something like that. that pissed me off. so i asked who text him and before he even really thought about it he blurted out a name of a guy friend of his. well, knowing this wasn't true, i called him out on it. i said no it was from a girl named jordan, who is she? he proceeded to tell me that it was a friend he had made while he lived in washington and they haven't spoken in almost a year. he said she text him first and asked how he and the baby were (apparently didn't ask how i was, so i don't know if hes told her he has a gf or if she's just a bitch and is trying to talk to my boyfriend and doesn't care whether or not he has a gf). soooo...if they haven't talked in a year, why all of the sudden on a random sunday did this girl think, 'hmmmm...i wonder how mike's doing today??' and also at what point during a conversation about how you're doing and how your child is doing would it require a response that says 'is that all?' since then i've always wondered what he said in the previous text that would prompt an answer like that.... and i wonder what they were really talking about....

Jodi - posted on 04/19/2014

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Assume he isn't secretly lying to you and that he is innocently just so busy and has so much on his mind and is so tired from working 7 days a week that he forgets. 95% of the time, if you assume that, you'd be assuming right. Do you have any reason not to trust him?

Amy - posted on 04/19/2014

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yes i suppose you're right. it's always about the approach. i need to work on my approach when i bring up things with him because if it's something i'm upset about, i usually don't approach it in the 'right' way... and it also makes me feel like he's hiding things from me---why wouldn't he tell me he's spending the money like that? is it wrong to consider this secret money-spending 'lying' to me?? because that's what i feel it is--lying.

Jodi - posted on 04/19/2014

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It's all about the way you approach it. Just mention in passing that you've noticed he hasn't been taking his lunch and see what he says about it. My husband forgets to take his lunch all the time, and it really is often just because he works too much (and I work too, so I forget to remind him about his and remember to take mine) and is in a bit of a daze in the mornings.

Amy - posted on 04/19/2014

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yeah I think that's my only option. i just don't want him to feel like he can't do whatever he wants with his money because he worked for it and earned it. i don't want to make him feel like a child..

Amy - posted on 04/19/2014

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Most of the time I do, but he'll do it once in awhile if i'm running around trying to get other things done. It's always pre-made the night before and in the fridge and ready to go in the morning. so i'm not really sure why he's not taking it. i mean, it's not like i'm packing it full with food he won't eat--it's everything we bought that he said he wanted in his lunch for work.

Jodi - posted on 04/19/2014

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Who makes his lunch at home? Does he have to make it? Let's face it, he is working 7 days a week....maybe he is struggling to get his act together enough in the morning to organise it. Can you help him?

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