"Sperm Donor" not in the pic, but at what age to I tell my kid about him?

Andrea - posted on 01/06/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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i was reading the other post, and it got me thinking. my husband has been in his life since he was 4 months old the only dad he has ever known. and we have both agreed that when he is old enough to understand we will tell him. my question is how far in detail do i tell him. he was abusive and thats why i got out, but he was there when he was born but when my son was just almost 2 months old he crashed his crotch rocket and has been a veggitable ever since. i tried to stay in contact with "that side of the family" but they wanted nothing to do with me or my son. they live 4 hours away. and my son has 2 older sisters, i keep in contact with one of the sisters......

my son will be turning 4 in march i know that he is not ready to understand it now but i also dont want to wait too long! any advise?

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MICHELLE - posted on 01/06/2010

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I was 4 months pregnant with my 1st Daughter when I kick my husband (at the time) out...I found out he was cheating on me. In my eyes, once a cheater, always a cheater (and I have found that to be very true in my case)....my Daughter 1st asked about her dad when she was 2 1/2-it was a real shocker!!!! I just told her that she has a dad, but he chose not to be a 'family' with us (nice and simple)....as she got older, the ?'s continued to come....she is 8 now~ she has 3 older Brothers (from her dad's 1st marriage) and she knows who they are and sees them every once in awhile (not as much as she did her 1st 3 or 4 years of life, but peoples lives change)....she still talks about her "sperm donor" :-) and asks many ?'s.....I answer them as simply as possible and even tho I don't have a whole lot of nice 'thoughts' about him, I will NEVER say anything BAD to HER~ he is still her dad!!!! (we have to put ourselves in their position)....she has said that when she gets older, she wants to try to find him~ more power to her! All I warn her of, is if he doesn't want anything to do with her, not to be 'hurt'............

Letitia - posted on 01/06/2010

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i was 12 years old when my mum told me about my dad i hated them both at 1st as any 12 year old girl would but now im 29 and a mother of 2 and if i had to do anything like that i would wait till they understand maybe not as long as my mum did btw i got over it as soon as i met my dad and now i am older i understand wyh my mum did wait so long good luck hope i helped

Amber - posted on 01/06/2010

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honestly, in my opinion, definitely do not tell him now. make sure he's old enough to understand what you are telling him and for him to make his own decision. i'm going through close to the same thing, but not exactly. it is rough because you are so scared that they will hate you for it. but let him know first that you wanted him to have the best life and this is just the way that it happened. let him know it is okay to be angry because sometimes it will hurt. and also let him know anything he wants to know about his real dad because he deserves that much. but also never think you messed up or you're not doing a good job because you made the decision that you did. when the time is right to tell him, you will know. i promise.

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Sherri - posted on 01/06/2011

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I think you should have told him from day one. My son never knew his dad either. My husband has been in his life since the day he was born. Also since he was a tiny baby we always explained, he is now 13 and just has grown up knowing his entire life and never had a problem or even questions about it.



I think if you wait much longer he is going to be devastated. You really need to just start talking freely in front of him and not even necessarily to him but he will overhear. If he has questions he can approach and ask and the more he hears things it will just be normal to okay to him.

[deleted account]

Amanda, I am not sure... I call the man who would technically be called my biological father a sperm donor... He was a POS. And really thats all they are if they wont be in the childs life... OK wait I apologize, I read some of this again... I did miss the vegetative state part... I do agree that calling him this is not fair you never know who or what he would be now...I do agree to never call them the sperm donor to a childs face, what you do in venting may be different! Maybe he would have grown up... I dont know i think that if my son was older I would tell him that his father abused me, so he should never do it to another person.... I really see you points though thanks for responding to her post.!!!

Amanda - posted on 01/06/2011

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Why do you need to tell your son anything negative about his bio father?? If hes in veggie state he sure cant prove you are lying, so why would you ever consider telling your son anything bad about him? All that will do is make your son resent you. Tell him the truth now, he has a father, he got hurt, and can not visit him.



My parents always told me the truth about my bio father, I respect my mother 100% for never lying to me, or try to pass off another man as my father. I am 33 years old and to this day I call my adopted father "dad", having a bio dad doesnt change my love for the man who raised me.



Please stop calling the father of your son a sperm donor, its disrespectful to your son, that "sperm donor" was good enough to sleep with, and shares 50% of your sons DNA.

[deleted account]

It is really hard to put an age on this... It really depends on the maturity level of the child, or whenever he is asking questions... I feel like you will know when the right time is for him and you. When he gets the first scoop of his dad it doesnt need to involve the abuse... But all those things can wait until he is for sure older!

Rosie - posted on 01/07/2010

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i waited until my son was 5. i told him that he has 2 daddy's one who made him and one who takes care of him. i told him his bio dad couldn't take care of him so his daddy chad(my husband) loves him so much that he takes care of him. i never bad mouthed his bio-dad, just simply told him he wasn't able to take care of him. in later years he has come to me with some questions and i have always told the truth as best i could for his age. it has never been a problem, and this year my husband adopted him. there was alot of talking about it then, my son had to have a lawyer and that lawyer had to ask him uestions and stuff. i applaud you for wanting to tell your child, my husbands parents didn't and when he was 14 he overheard a conversation they were having about his bio dad. definitely didn't go well. good luck!

Katherine - posted on 01/07/2010

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My daughter is seven, she hasn't seen her father since she was 9 months old. He was abusive, I stayed with him until it became dangerous for both of us...I left with her in the middle of the night and never looked back. The court system helped alot, except for the aquisition of child support...but at least we made it out alive. She has asked about him many times and I told her when she was around the age of 4 that "you have a daddy, but he is not around." Keep it simple. When yours gets older the questions will become more in depth. The only thing I can say is to be honest, but don't say anything more than what is required to answer the specific question your child asks. For example, in my case, my daughter asked if her daddy was "bad" and if that was why he wasn't around. I told her he wasn't bad, but that he just is learning how to be a grown up. If she ever asks to see him, I will oblige, but with protection in numbers, of course. It is definitely hard to keep my emotions toward him in check, though, when I talk to her. I have an overwhelming urge to protect her, and he is dangerous. Of course I don't like him, but I will NEVER mention that to her, or in her presence. She should be allowed to make her own decision about how she feels about him, and that's extremely hard for me, but I know that I must do it, because it is her right to see him and judge how she will, if she wants to.

Andrea - posted on 01/07/2010

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i just really hope that when it is time to tell him that he does understand, and i understand that it is going to have some kind of shock in him be it anger or confussion...... i have a cusin that was adoptied and she grew up always knowing that she was and she was always a mess! ( i know part of that was because her adoptive parents spoiled her way too much and tried to just buy her love) but its still something in my mind when i think about my son!

Amber - posted on 01/07/2010

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no, i have not. she is too young right now to understand it. my daughter is only 2. my plan is to tell her around late adolescence or early teens. but i do know someone who had to tell their kid about it and he didn't even care. he knew who raised him and felt because of that the other guy was really his dad. he wasn't mad at anyone and he is fine and just took it in.

Andrea - posted on 01/06/2010

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i understand that, and when it comes time to tell my son i will not lie to him about anything. i guess i was just confused as to if i should sugar coat it or not, do you know what i mean?

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