Spoiling her?

Tyrae - posted on 02/05/2011 ( 219 moms have responded )

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So some people that I talk to (mostly my parents age) tell me that I am spoiling my daughter. I personally don't think so, but I could be wrong...

My daughter is 2.5 months old and for the most part she is quite a happy baby. When she cries, unless I'm doing something that will take me less than a minnute or I'm going to the washroom, I go to her pretty much right away to see what's wrong. Sometimes its important and sometimes she just wants cuddles. But these people are telling me I should be letting her cry so that she can learn to deal with whatever it is herself. That just doesn't seem right to me. She's so young, can't even crawl or anything yet. How would she be able to "deal" with things. I l love my baby girl and would do anything to make her happy.

Am I wrong in this? Am I supposed to be just letting her cry all the time?

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[deleted account]

Don't listen to what those people are telling you. At such a young age she needs you to be attentive to her needs, even if that need is just a cuddle. She'll learn to "deal" with things when she is older. Keep doing what you are doing and your little girl will grow into an independent and confident young child.

[deleted account]

If she was 2.5 years then yes, but not at 2.5 months. What would she be "just dealing" with? There isn't much a 2.5 month old needs; but what they do need is worth crying for.

[deleted account]

At 2.5 months it is completely impossible to spoil a baby. You are teaching her to trust you. Now, if you're in the middle of going pee or something.... there is nothing wrong w/ letting her cry for a minute or two before you can get to her, but attending to her needs as soon as possible is the RIGHT thing to do. Ignore these people that are telling you to go against your instincts to care for your baby!

Medic - posted on 02/05/2011

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Tell your parents they are ridiculous!! I don't think you can spoil a baby. I carried both of my kids in a sling the majority of the time until they could crawl and amuse themselves for a bit and even then I would put them in it if they were content. My now four year old was still light enough for the sling until he was three and it was easier to carry him like that than without it and my one year old still occasionally wants to be carried everywhere and I put her big ol booty in it too. Making your kids feel save and secure only leads to more confident, more independent, and more trusting children. No my kids do not cling to me, they both are very independent when investigating their surroundings, but they will run to me for anything even if its just a hug or a kiss. Both kids have always slept in their own beds but are more than welcome in our bed if it is was they need at the time. There is a difference between loving and spoiling and coddling your kids and it seems to me you are just loving her. Trust me you can't stop the tears with just a cuddle for long so enjoy it while you can.

Lissa - posted on 02/06/2011

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You cannot spoil a little baby, they cry because they need something and can only communicate by crying. Ignore others and do what you know is right, at this age going to her as soon as possible will actually help her to grow into a confident, happy little girl.

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Amanda - posted on 02/14/2011

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Do what's right for you but also remember at that age babies cry just to hear themselves. Give her a minute or two when she starts to see if she stops. If she keeps crying after 2 to 5 minutes go see what's going on. My nana used to jump up everytime my daughter made the slightest noise of distress when she was a baby, would rock her till she was a sleep, and would let her nap in her arms. This cause issues because she was confused when i didn't jump up at every little noise she made and was really confused/mad when i'd put her down for bed without rocking her to sleep or letting her sleep in my arms. So i guess what i'm saying is just be careful.

Dana - posted on 02/14/2011

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Thanks Ladies for responding and all your advice, we're going to lock this thread now. ~ Dana, WtCoM moderator

Debra - posted on 02/14/2011

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I am an older mom and i say they should not cry . cuddle them now while you can. There is no such thing as spoiling your baby. When they get older you need to set ground rules but not now .

[deleted account]

Its not spoiling its called being a mother in my own personal opinion,Your a mother like me, i tend to the helpless baby i brought in the world and there's no harm in it.My daughters are 6years old and 2yrs old.My first need soothing and comforting more than my second.I had the wonderful opportunity to be a stay at home mom and i had all the time in the world to raise them and how i wanted to, which was looking and observing what the wanted.When the cried i would pick them up, it could be for something or it could be soothing and comfort but i did it for them.Don't allow anyone to determine how you raise your child.At the end of a day your there and tucking your little one up in her cot and there first thing in the morning to see there first smiles, so take whats said with a pinch of salt.

Lynn - posted on 02/14/2011

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Personally, I would go to a young baby when they cry, but I would maybe leave her a few seconds longer each time (if she does not sound like she is in pain) so she gets the love and cuddles and you get to see she is fine,but also as she does grow,it is easier to begin to let her soothe herself at times.
You just need to be left to do things as you see fit with your child, relatives are always well meaning but don't often offer useful tips or advice.

Steph - posted on 02/14/2011

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You are doing 100% absolutely the right thing. She is a baby!!! Evolution has given her the ability to cry so that her parents can attend to whatever it is she needs. Of course she can't deal with her own needs at 2.5 months. That's why babies have parents. It is crucial that you respond to her cries quickly and provide whatever she needs, be it cuddles or even just to know you're there. She will develop a secure attachment to you which will enable her to develop optimally and healthily. Do not listen to these people who say you are spoiling her, follow your instincts, you are her mother, and quite frankly those people are idiots!!!

Jenny - posted on 02/14/2011

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When a baby is so young they need the loving touch. If you are always holding her then yes, that's spoiling but she needs to be checked on to make sure all is okay. Hold and love her as much as possible now. When they get older they allow it less and less. Enjoy her while you can. Babies need the warmth and loving (so do older kids) and the reassurance of security and stability. Be there!

An - posted on 02/14/2011

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Please! As if you can spoile a 2 and a half yeare old baby! Dont lissen!! When she is 6month old oké.

Shana - posted on 02/13/2011

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oops I first read this as your daughter was 2.5 YEARS and thought "hmmm how do I politly point out that you also need to foster independence" (my boys are now aged 10,8,6 and 2 and Im due with a 5th baby in May)..then read the first n second post and re-read your post....glad I did

Really what does a 2.5month old have to deal with that should make her cry?? Yes if your in the toliet finsih up first, yes if you know you are just gunna be a few more seconds finish up your activity - do so - as some point she is going to learn that there are times when Mum is gunna be a second (ie toliet) but at 2.5months there are very few things that cant wait til later when she needs you :)

Daniella - posted on 02/13/2011

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You can't spoil a baby.

I have a 5 1/2 years old boy and I use to do the same. I don't think that you're spoil her. I see it this way, you are giving her security. I read soooo many books about this issue and I concluded that I was doing just the right thing. Now that my boy is almost 6 I think he is doing great.

Joanna - posted on 02/13/2011

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You can not spoil a 2 month old! They learn to trust you by your response to their cries. They have no way of communicating other than crying. Babies can not fix whats wrong on their own. Even if they just need you to hold them, it is a basic need to infants so young. They need to know they are cared for and loved. Babies who are left to cry it out do not necessarily learn to self-soothe, but that no one is going to answer their cries, so why bother.

Imbeautifuldawn - posted on 02/13/2011

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Your parents are not thinking correctly at all! If she was 6 months old you could check her and let her cry if nothing is wrong, but 2.5 months is SO young! If she needs snuggles that is as strong a meed at her age as a diaper change or a feeding. At her age she does not cry unless she needs something!
We forget that your baby went from your womb with constant human contact to a very different world! Sometimes she just needs her momma. And there is nothing wrong with that.
So many people have advice, but trust yourself! You know her better than anyone. Stick to your guts on this one and give yourself some credit. You are her mommy. You are doing fine.

Michelle - posted on 02/13/2011

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You cant spoil an 8 week old baby! cuddle her, if that is what makes you feel good.

Paola - posted on 02/13/2011

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I went through the same thing...And I didn't listen...I held her as much as I felt like it, I figure she is my daughter and we need to have a bond because it is me who she is going to go to when she has problems...Do what you feel is right

Laurey - posted on 02/13/2011

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Dont be rediculous, I had the same thing said to me. I think its a generation thing. You can not spoil a 2.5 month old. My daughter is now 16 months and was treated the same as your daughter. Some days it didnt feel like we moved off the couch. She grew out of it and is old enough now to understand sometimes she has to wait a few mins. She was rocked to sleep most nights until she was about 6 months old and now happily goes to sleep herself when put to bed. Controlled crying/comforting wasnt for us but it all worked out in the end. All the best. You will get advice you agree with and advice you dont. I think you will know whats best for your family so just smile and nod when people give their opinion then go away and do what you feel is right

Cassie - posted on 02/13/2011

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In my opinion, it's not possible to spoil a child that age. I did the same thing, at least until my daughter was old enough to be mobile. When she is 2.5 mos old, you are her entire world. While you shouldn't feel bad about taking a minute to yourself to do something (a maybe you just need a moment to breathe), you also shouldn't feel bad about being there even when she just needs a cuddle. Let her worry about "dealing" with things a few months down the line.

Frances M - posted on 02/13/2011

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According to everything I have read in the Bible, spoiling a child is not teaching her right from wrong. If you don't correct here, when she does something wrong, then you are spoiling her. If she gets the cuddling she needs now, she will not look for it elswhere when she is older. The need to be cuddled, made feel secure, diaper changed, fed and bathed are things she can not do for herself. Later you will be told by my generation (I'm 67) that giving her things is spoiling her. It is not. Again if you do not dicipline her and teach her right from wrong, that is the only way of spoiling a child. You sound like a wise Mom. Love that child.

Sharon - posted on 02/13/2011

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I had three happy children and I did just what you do, and now I am no different with my grandchildren.

Babies cry for a reason, and that reason may just be she wants to know you are near so from me I would say you are doing everything right

Karen - posted on 02/13/2011

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It sounds like this is your 1st baby. Your 1st instinct will be to pick her up. Of course you shouldnt let your baby cry all the time! That could be her way of programing you to do what she wants you to do. She is only 2.5 months. If you've fed her, changed her and loved on her, then you know she ok and does not need anything. I suggest you let her cry for a few min i.e. 5 min. If she doesn't settle down on her own then you may want to check on her. Put her in the swing where you are so that she sees you. If you pick her up every time she cries, be ready to do that until she is walking. You won't get anything done except hold your baby all day. She will have trained you to come running every time she cries. That gets old fast!!!

[deleted account]

There is a wide range of opinion on this one- my advice is, you know her best and you have to decide what will work for you now and in the future. I persoanlly didnt feel comfortable letting my babies cry for extended periods so I didnt. I dont believin the 'it will spoil them' theory- mainly as I did this with both my babies and my daughter couldnt be more independent- always has been; whereas my sons is a bit of a mama's boy- I think it depends on their personality and gender more than anything- but that's just my opinion and god knows I'm no scientist! LOL!

Melissa - posted on 02/13/2011

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you can tell the babies that are spoiled. your daughter is 2 1/2 months old and eventually you may have to let her fuss a bit for you to get dinner cooking or stuff like that. However she is young and you need to meet her needs, holding her all the time will not benefit her either because she will become clingy and not want to be put down. If you feel she is spoiled work on getting her more comfortable at not being fussy by letting her have things she can do near you but not hold her, like a floor mat with toys, you can be doing stuff but have that close so she can see you and you can talk to her and keep her calm. Work to a happy medium for your parents and you

Rosemary - posted on 02/13/2011

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Get your hands on some good baby books--all that I've read say you can't spoil your baby in the first 3 months. (Baby 411, Happiest Baby on teh Block, etc.) You can't let them cry it out that young. I think you are doing the right thing--good luck!

Sally - posted on 02/13/2011

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Unfortunately, that is how they were trained to raise their children. Fortunately, we now know better.

[deleted account]

I am probably one of "THOSE " people ( your parents age) but I will tell you in it IMPOSSIBLE to spoil an infant so young. No, you are not supposed to let her cry" all the time" but she does need to learn to soothe herself- in the beginning, this is really hard--on mom and dad. If the baby isn't hungry , wet, gassy or sick (this is known as "going down the list") and you have put her down for a nap and she starts to cry- give it no more than 5 minutes at first- I'd say three and if she doesn't calm herself down, go in the room( DONT PICK HER UP) but love her, sing to her or rub her back- when she has calmed herself, quietly exit. When my oldest was your daughters age and I first put him in his crib at night I started to race in- but I stopped right outside the door- tears in my eyes and waited. he fussed, but just as I was about to go in...he stopped fussing and started to coo- he had just discovered his feet!. If your daughter cries during the day- pick her up and love her or you can have her near you and in a basinette or portable crib ( do they still have play pens?) let her hear your voice and see you and know that you are near. You sound like a wonderful loving new mom. This special time is important to both of you-- enjoy it and treasure every minute-- it goes by SOoooo fast! Take heart-- young mothers get hoards of advice-- whether they want it or not. You are her mom- you know her best- you are learning her different cries and her different faces to understand what she needs. Enjoy this special time, and I promise no child your daughter's age has EVER been spoiled to death
( That's a grandparent's job ;) ). Good luck- she's lucky to have a mom like you!

Kiersten - posted on 02/13/2011

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I get told this al the time too. I did what you do with my son, even now and he is almost five. Crying for a cuddle is as much of a need as crying for food. The need for security and trust and comfort is a vital element in our lives, without it we are lost and on our own, and feeling very isolated.
I agree with others, she will learn to "deal with" things in her own time and through many other lessons. You don't need to isolate her from you in order for her to deal with things.
It really is a construct of last century (and probably the one before it) of this whole isolating children, letting them speak only when spoken to blah blah blah. Fore thousands of years before that mothers and their babies were inseparable and rightly so - because it is natural.
Sooo...long story short, say to those people what I say....get stuffed, I will do what I like and what feels right to me and my gorgeous baby.
Power to you darling!

Aanchal - posted on 02/13/2011

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Good on you for not giving in to the pressure of 'letting your child cry it out' parenting. Just do what you are comfortable with - after all, parenting is mostly about 'gut instinct' and if your gut tells you it feels wrong, it probably IS wrong for you and your child. Never let somebody else tell you what to do when it comes to bringing up your children

Donna - posted on 02/13/2011

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I absolutely think you should go to her immediately and see if she's okay. If she's uncomfortable or fussy, sometimes she may just need reassured that you're still there. All babies are different and if she's unhappy or scared or has a tummy ache, it's my opinion that you do what you feel makes both of you happy. Their only little once!!

Samantha - posted on 02/13/2011

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sorry i used to get that all the time. my dd is now nearly 4 and still if she cries i go straight too her (sometimes at night i let her go for a few mins to see if she settles herself) but never more than a few (last time it was cus she had got her foot caught inbetween the bars and wall of her day bed (you know one of those iron beds?) anyway if i had just let her cry it out she would have ended up with a dead leg or worse! she is the same as your dd always a very happy baby and never cries unless its needed. i believe thats because i let her know i was always there for her (her nephew of 4.5 yrs was a cry it out baby and now he cries at EVERYTHING! if he cant make his puzzle, if he cant put his sock on....everything. enjoy this time and take as many cuddles as you can get. they grow up so fast you will never get this time back and do you want to look back when they are older and think..... i wish i could hug her more... if they dont get it young they wont want it as bigger kids. my dd still comes for a cuddle every hour! the same nephew actually snears at his mum if she asks for a cuddle (only 6months older) her daughter is same. would rather cuddle nan than her mum (she is 7)

Kayla - posted on 02/13/2011

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You are not spoiling her.. She needs all the love you can give her! Keep doing what you are doing.. I was the same way and mine is now 8.5 months old.. I still go to her when she's crying.. You will know if she's upset or just needs love.. I was actually told that until she is over 6 months old, she is too young to cry it out.. It could cause her to believe she can't count on you.. Spoil away!

Teri - posted on 02/13/2011

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Keep doing what you're doing. Brain development research that is recent (and was definitely not around when your parents were raising you..) says that our ability to answer our children's cries helps them be well-adjusted individuals. It's because they realize they can place trust in their main caregivers.

Those who would allow a baby to cry are actually letting cortisol (stress hormone) course through a baby's system and when kids'systems get used to cortisol, they tend toward more depression later on,

When I get advice that I know is not in line iwth my philosophy or with the latest brain research, I just smile and say, wow, they did that when you had kids? and leave it at that. Those folks won't change their attitudes and it's not worth messing your kid up because someone is ignorant of the lastest in child development research.

Babies cry because they need their parent -- it's the most basic of instincts and it is important that parents respond to their needs. It helps with self-esteem, independence etc. later on.

keep up the good work.

Paula - posted on 02/13/2011

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thats too young to try to teach her a lesson. 9 months and older is when they first have the ability to learn that when you are not in front of them that you will eventually come back. Up until 9 months they think if they cant see you that you are gone forever! Im sure this is true, but maybe look it up online? 2 and half months, hell thats too too young to leave them to cry it out in my opinion. Good luck Tyrae Paula

Louise - posted on 02/13/2011

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I just thought of something... I have two children under the age of 5. I nursed my daughter till 2.5 years and my son is 30 months and still nursing. If I listened to everyone who told me to stop-- I'd have many regrets. My son is severely allergic to dairy and has other allergies to egg whites, wheat, and blueberries. People couldn't/can't understand why I have not vaccinated him and chosen to nurse and limit my diet. You'll learn to weed through the advice, both wanted and unwanted. Your child's needs will speak to you-- you'll learn to trust yourself. You have to. That'll go for fevers and the like too. Two great resources I value are Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child by Dr. Weisbluth and How to Raise Healthy Children In Spite of Your Doctor by Dr. Mendolhson. Good Luck!

Isha - posted on 02/13/2011

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She is your child!! If you want to tend to your child needs do so. She has her whole life to become independent and you will know when she needs this so do what YOU think is best youre the one who has to deal with it!

Monika - posted on 02/13/2011

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I CANNOT STAND to hear those people say "let them cry it out". Yeah, if you want an anorexic, bullemic or otherwise maladjusted child. That is the stupidest advise ever given! They are just jealous of the bond. I know that sounds really harsh, but it is true.
Yes, there will be times you will need to let her cry, in the store when she wants something (STOP! no impulse buying!), or when she pitches a fit. Right now, at this stage, those tears mean something is wrong. Whether it is gas, hunger, needing a change, or just a general need for security, YES you are doing the right thing!
My kids are 15 and 20, I gave them lots of attention and did not neglect them. We were strict when they reached right vs wrong points (6-9 months) but only after we determined it was not a need based cry.
Now they don't feel like they HAVE to have a relationship, because they know they have love at home.

Laurene - posted on 02/13/2011

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I'm with you and I may be older than your parents. When they are that young they can't deal with things on their own. My 21 1/2 month old granddaughter is not spoiled and we went to her when she cried. Everyone says she's a well-behaved toddler. When she gets older thoughn don't just give her everything she asks for.

Louise - posted on 02/13/2011

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Go to her! Apparently, you can't spoil a baby till after 6 months--you're establishing trust now. After, you're teaching her in a safe way that you're there, but she's fine and she'll learn to settle herself.

Katrina - posted on 02/13/2011

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You should respond to cries at 2.5 months period. People are probably teasing you.

Bron - posted on 02/13/2011

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can't spoil a child by giving them love! you're helping her develop a strong trust in you, which will become a trust in her world. you're doing the right thing.

Leanne - posted on 02/13/2011

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When your baby is a little older you will be able to differentiate her different cries. At this age it may still be difficult but eventually you will be able to tell whether she is crying in pain or because she wants something. Until then I wouldn't worry x

Martina - posted on 02/13/2011

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As you are her mother ... you do what you feel is right for you and her ... if that means going to her when she is crying ... then you do it .... maybe your family are jealous of the time taken from them nos wyou are a parent ....

Patricia - posted on 02/13/2011

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I was told that when a baby cries it is their way of communicating to you. You will (if you haven't already) learn her what her different ''cries'' are: I'm hungry, I need my diaper changed, I am under the weather and/or I really need attention BC something is wrong....I used to believe that if you went to your baby every time he/she cried you were spoiling her/him, but since I've had my own (now they are ages 14-19 YEARS :D ) I have found that knowing their different ''cries'' from birth up to knowing their tone(s) of voices currently I can sense pretty much what is going on with them-in other words IGNORING your baby when she cries (the advice you were given) will short change your ability to sense what your child needs, wants, or when you truly need to help/steer them out of trouble. I have seen that paying attention to a crying infant NOW helps us Moms to continue to pick up very important cues to parent and care for our Children :)
Hope this Helps ♥
God Bless ♥

Tammy - posted on 02/13/2011

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tyrae, i have an early childhood degree and lots of experience to boot (having 4 of my own), and you honestly cannot spoil them for their first year, so nope, you are not wrong. during that time of their little lives, they are trying to find security and love. it gives her a better self-esteem when you respond to her. sounds like she may have a little separation anxiety as well. i would suggest responding quickly like you do, but then if you find that everything is fine with her, I would suggest to put her down and if she cries, try to give her a rattle or turn on a mobile. she may simply be bored. (^: i hope this helps!

[deleted account]

I used to be told the same thing, but I said eff 'em. It's not their kid, and frankly, my daughter is close to my husband and me because we give her attention. I always go with the "you can spoil a child with objects, but never with love"

Kristen - posted on 02/13/2011

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You can't spoil an infant that young - the other comments are right about that. She needs to learn trust first and foremost.

I waited until my son was 6 months old before I let his crying go longer than a minute or two and only then when it was in the middle of the night. He stopped after 4 minutes and went back to sleep. That started his sleeping through the night. But before that, I was always right there for him.

Danielle - posted on 02/13/2011

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One other thing, there is a method of parenting (attachment parenting I think) that calls the first three months outside the womb, the 4th trimester. The mother is advised to keep the baby close to her (in a sling, co-sleeping etc.) for those first three months to encourage trust and bonding. I think that's a beautiful idea. I didn't know about it when my girls were little, but if I had another baby (and it wasn't twins!) I would totally buy into that line of thought. Our culture worries way too much, too early about getting babies to somehow be independent. Again, you're doing a fabulous job - keep it up!

Danielle - posted on 02/13/2011

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Keep doing exactly what you're doing. She's way too young to let her cry. It's her only way of communicating with you, and she NEEDS your help, even if it's just cuddling. That's one of the most important things at her age. I'm not against "Cry it Out" techniques, I did it with my now 4 1/2 year old twin girls, but it needs to be done at the right age. I think I did it around 9 months, but I'm not super sure. Keep up the excellent work - she's a lucky baby . :)

Gina - posted on 02/13/2011

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you are not wrong. It doesn't matter what a baby is crying for, when you go to them to comfort them, you are teaching them that you'll be there when they need you. I am a firm believer of picking children up why they cry. She's so little, she doesn't understand yet that she has to cope with things on her own. And really, why should she have to till she's older. She's a baby, and needs lots of love kindness from you and daddy. Go with your gut, do what feels right to you. Not what everyone else thinks!

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