staying nights with dad

Tracy - posted on 09/05/2012 ( 42 moms have responded )

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Hi. Recently my babysitter has quit on me and this is like he 4th one that my 13month old has been to. His dad is not working right now and so I was thinking of having his dad pick him up at 7 so he can stay the night there and he he can bring him back to me the next day at 3 when I get off work. I work at 5am and dont want to have to wake my son up to take him to his dads so this was what we came up with. We only live about 5 mins apart. Is this arrangement going to be bad for my son and confuse him?

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Dove - posted on 09/06/2012

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A babysitting contract for the FATHER?! Hell.... I have full legal and physical custody of my kids and even I think that's ludicrous.



I do agree with getting an agreement in writing that is signed by you both and notarized as far as when your son will be in his father's care and when he will be in your care.... just so he (or you) can't change anything and say that the other person agreed to it verbally. Having everything in writing is a good idea, but a 'babysitting contract' for a FATHER. He's not babysitting. It's called parenting.

Jessica - posted on 09/07/2012

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Tracy - I think that is a great idea! I will never understand why a child needs to go to a babysitter if the other parent (assuming it's a safe situation) would like to spend time with them. How great for your son to know his mom and dad equally. While I agree its always best to know of potential consequences to your actions, It's disheartening to hear all the women on here that instantly assume your ex to be a problem - Mom Johnson.....REALLY?? You specifically stated "There are just too many unknowns with this situation" yet you immediately tell her to get Full Legal custody?!?!? I think most people would agree that mom is the most common care giver but how can it not be the best thing for your child for them to know both parents love them and want to be with them and involved as much as possible? I AM NOT SUGGESTING THIS AT ALL - EVERY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT - BUT it would be very interesting to see what would happen if every separated couple had to share legal and physical custody 50/50 and no child support were granted.

What ever the conception situation - 2 people brought a child into this world. What if they both HAD/GOT TO BE equally responsible for raising that child. For sure there are a lot of dirt bag dads out there but I'm truly shocked at how many equally crappy moms are out there with full custody destroying their kids.



Tracy - The above was in response to some of the people the responded to your question - not to you! I can't tell you how refreshing it was to read your question-knowing only what you wrote-you simply stated that you and your ex had worked out a visitation system and you wanted to see if other moms saw any potential issue for a 13 month old. You stated a few facts and asked what we thought. It appears to me that you are looking at what's best for the little one - Good job mom!!

Mom - posted on 09/06/2012

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I really think there is more going on here. First of all, why so many babysitters? What are their reasons for quitting? Second, why isn't dad working and how can he be expected to look for work if he is watching a child most of the day? Third, why not day care or some other family member? Fourth, how well does your son know his father? Has he spent much time with him daily? There are just too many unknowns with this situation. As a mom of 5 and grandma of 13, the first thing I would do is get FULL LEGAL custody. Then if you decide to use dad, write up a legal contract of everything this babysitting position includes and have it notarized. As a mom, you need to cover ALL the bases in the best interests of your child.

Jolene - posted on 09/06/2012

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I think it is a perfect idea and one that should have been happening anyway instead of a babysitter.

Michelle Farfalla - posted on 09/05/2012

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As long as his dad is a good responsible dad than until he is working, what better person besides you to be with him all day. Plus you will be saving all that babysitting money. If he is a good dad he will do what's right for his son. Maybe once in a while you can get him a gift certificate to a restaurant or store he likes. It would keep the relationship more amicable in my opinion. I would also make it as easy on him as possible by packing clothes, snacks, food, diapers, etc. good luck!

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[deleted account]

hello Tracy, i think that a great idea get his dad involved in your sons life and let him have some responsibility as well are u. no it wont confuse him he will enjoy seeing both is parents.



hope this helps, Khloe

Jodi - posted on 10/09/2012

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@ Donna, don't sign anything, get a lawyer. A newborn baby should be breastfed, and you can't do that if he takes the baby 4 days a week. It just won't work. It really isn't an appropriate option.

Donna - posted on 10/09/2012

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im in a horrid situation n i dont no what to do im 15 weeks pregnant my ex as gone to a soliciyor who.is dendin out a agreament for me to sign which states i hand over the baby at biry and he had it full time n i get it 3 days a week im mess

Gina - posted on 09/12/2012

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If you in your ex can get along well then that sounds like a terrific arrangement for your son while he is still so young

Nishana - posted on 09/11/2012

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Unless you can be determined "unfit", all this talk about custody is not relevant. I think that there is nothing wrong with your sons father watching him..it's his son also. I think we as single mothers get so caught up in being mad with the other parent that we put our own needs ahead of our childrens...sometimes. I applaud both of you for working together. .family is better than a babysitter (usually).

Diann - posted on 09/10/2012

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No Not at all the fact that the father of your boys WANTS to be that much a part of their life? Consider yourself a VERY VERY VERY lucky lady! There are heart breaking stories out there of Dads (I mean fathers because a DAD would not do this) Not showing up to pick up their son for the weekend. Son left sitting on the front steps for HOURS waiting... to not have Dad show. THis happened to my Nephew more times then I can count. Lucky for him, his Mom meet a great guy that took the place of a Dad. Never had to wait on the front steps again for a Dead Beat father that would not show. So Count your blessing, Your relation may not have worked but as Dads go? He rocks in MY book, and Your Sons will think so too!

Dove - posted on 09/09/2012

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No clue Julie.... apparently I have no heart or compassion and am never anything but rude.... ??



Though personally speaking.... I think posting just to call someone rude is just a tad rude. I think she's just a stalker or has a hard on for me or something.... oh well. Not really my problem.

Julie - posted on 09/09/2012

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I read Dove's original post... I'm not sure what was so "rude" about it? She suggested getting a parenting plan in writing, which is sensible and wise as depending on where the OP lives, without something in writing, there is nothing stopping him from not giving back their son. And that the father shouldn't be seen as a babysitter, he's his parent... did I miss something?

Dove - posted on 09/08/2012

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Oh look... I'm being scolded by someone who has 27 replies to her name.... I've been on COM for about 3 years now and many, many, many people on here can attest to a lot of compassionate, heartfelt posts from me. I just happen to be blunt and have a very low tolerance level for stupidity.... which tends to come out in leaps and bounds on the welcome page.

Sherri - posted on 09/08/2012

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I think it is a great idea and I agree with DOVE a babysitting contract is ridiculous to have when he is the father of the child.

Rose - posted on 09/08/2012

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Tracy I went through the same thing! I was so difficult! My sons dad and I were still together but he would call me at work and say things like " he just got his first tooth" or " he just took his first steps" I ended up changing jobs because I missed out on so much of my child's FRIST things. I do think it's great that you and daddy can get along for your son, and that you are having him go to his dads. But I would really consider switching your hours or jobs to get better hours so that u can spend more time with the little guy. To this day, my son is now 4, he remembers me leaving all the time for work and every day tells me still not to go, and ask why I keep leaving him. I promise you, you and your son will also get to this point. Just because he wants to spend more time with mommy.

Keysha - posted on 09/08/2012

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I am a single mom as well and I got my children up early to go to a sitters. As a single parent you have no choice but to work so if all your doing is getting him up for a 5 minute drive but you get more time with him do it. Either he will go back to sleep or will adjust to going to bed earlier. I did it and my kids are fine and I never lost any extra time with them.

Brenda - posted on 09/07/2012

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You are absolutely right jessica and it was nice to hear a mother give such awesome advice.

Miss - posted on 09/07/2012

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Absolutely a great idea. It makes no sense for him to be at home doing nothing when he could be caring for his kid. I did that myself over the summer. Why pay for camp when someone is home to watch him. My sons dad works, but there are other people in the house that don't. He should have suggested this anyway. I cant stand these men sometimes. It's like if u not bending backwards enough, you have to think for them too

Beth - posted on 09/06/2012

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Oh and if you're interested care.com has many sitters, nanny's etc. you might find someone that way too. I think it's great if dad is okay with taking him and you trust him fully. My kids dad would do it without question and I trust him. He is VERY active in our kids lives, like daily basis except for Saturdays is his day off from parenting..must be nice huh LOL it's okay though he does far more than most dad's do and I appreciate everything he does for the kids and ME. I am fortunate and I know it

Beth - posted on 09/06/2012

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I would be careful if the dad is the type to try and take the baby from you or try and get child support ended because he has the baby more than you do...IF it were ME, I would want to be at his house at night to put the baby to bed, myself. Is dad going to get up in the morning with baby?

Brenda - posted on 09/06/2012

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I think you are making the dad look like a bad person. Maybe theres a reason why he isnt working right now and theres no reason why he shouldnt be looking after his son while the mother is working. Wouldnt that be the way it would be if they were still together. Why should she get a babysitter or another family member to look after him when the father is there.

Brenda - posted on 09/06/2012

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I think it is a great idea. It sounds like you guys have a pretty good relationship even though you are no longer together. In my opion if your son cant be with you then he should be with his father. It shouldnt be looked at like something might happen down the road. It should be looked at as he is the childs father and he has every right and responsibility to be with the child. I hate when everyone assumes the mother should have sole custody and all rights. It takes two to make a child. It sounds like to me that the father wants to be with his son so let him.

User - posted on 09/06/2012

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thank you everyone for the wonderful advice. It is really a relief to get opinions of other mommys out there. I was feeling really guilty about the whole thing and now I feel better. :) honestly this last sitter just decided to take only full time kids and since my son was part time she had to drop him.

Michelle - posted on 09/06/2012

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I don't see a problem with it. I think the arrangement would be better than having a sitter because the father can still look for work. I would just make sure communication is solid and you are able to solve conflicts well as conflict is the only thing that will derail this arrangement. Your able to work and Dad is able to work and you both get quality time with your child it seems a win win solution. It'll work if both parties are doing things for the best interest of the child and there's no power plays between the two of you. Good luck

Tonya - posted on 09/06/2012

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Hi, I've been sharing custody with my ex-husband since my son was 6 months old. My son is now 3. I feel that he's adjusted pretty well. On the nights that his dad has him, the following morning his dad drops him off at my house. I wish he was more like you and put his son first. My son's dad has to be to work at 5, but prefers to wake his son up. I have asked him if he could just drop our son off at 7 at night, that way his dad could still see him, but our son would not have to be woken up so early. That was refused. I'm very impressed that you are willing to drop your son off at 7, and that you are thinking of him first. In all, your son will be fine as long you you and his dad can communicate and be nice to each other.

Betsy - posted on 09/06/2012

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kids can adapt quickly to routines. do what you have to do! its not bad that he sees his dad more.

LaNae - posted on 09/06/2012

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If you and the dad can work this out......perfect! Sounds like the two of you are CO PARENTING. The winning person in this is your son, and that is all that matters. I had toleave for a year and a half and live 3 hours from home. My x took the kids for that time and I had them only on my days off - 9 days a month. He was good to me and helped where ever I needed it. Not all fathers are out to hurt the mom......so do what is best for your son. We never wrote anything up or signed one piece of paper. It is called mutual respect and co parenting. Your son is one lucky boy, he has parents that love Him! KUDOS to both of You!

Kerry - posted on 09/06/2012

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No, children get used to having the people around that happen to be there. They usually bond easily. This is my concern over the number of babysitters you've had. If you and your son's father get along well enough to do this over the course of time without adding stress to your son's young life, then go for it. The bond that he will form with his son is precious for both of them and will help him to grow into a secure man with Mom & Dad both active in his life. Once this becomes routine he will be used to it and so will the parents. Best wishes to your family.

Samone - posted on 09/05/2012

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I think you should do what's best for your family. However remember that with out court papers whoever has custody of the child the majority of the time is the parent that has full custody in the eyes of the law... With that being said make sure you and the father are clear on what is going to happen and be careful.

Marquita - posted on 09/05/2012

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Not bad if you and the father have a great relationship and is definitely good for your son. However, if things such as child support and custody is concerned, please know it is based off of the number of nights the child spends with each parent.

Jodi - posted on 09/05/2012

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I think, given his dad is not currently working, what you are suggesting right now IS best for your son. The ladies are right, it may affect custody issues if his dad decides to be an ass about it, but I don't think that should be the consideration. How many days a week do you work?

Jodi - posted on 09/05/2012

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So is this about what is best for the kid, or what is best for mum's best interests to make sure she doesn't lose custody?

Tracy - posted on 09/05/2012

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Ya I agree..He says that my son is either with him or with a sitter since I work til 2pm. Either way Im not with him because of work :(

Lacye - posted on 09/05/2012

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Wouldn't it be easier to have your son's father come and watch him at your house while you were at work? That way you would be able to spend more time with your son. I'm just asking because if you were to only have him from 3 - 7 in the afternoon, your ex would pretty much have custody of yall's son, it just wouldn't be written in any court papers.

Tracy - posted on 09/05/2012

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thank you :) yes that was another thing that I was worried about. it would be very 50/50 though since he will be bringing him back to me after I get off work and then coming back at bedtime to get again.

Michelle - posted on 09/05/2012

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No I think it is great that you and his dad can communicate and work things out that are in your childs best interest, but you need to be careful as based on what you are suggesting your child will be with dad a greater percentage of the time then with you and this can hurt you in the long run if something goes wrong.

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