Staying with husband after the affair...

Christina - posted on 09/29/2009 ( 29 moms have responded )

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I am looking for some spiritual guidance! I know that when I took my husband back after all of the lies and deception, the affair(s), and so forth, he was a humble broken man that accepted everything that satan was willing to give him, he just didn't realize that God is on our side and he had to put a stop to te madness because my husband wasn't strong enough. Once my husband lost his job of 19 years over this behavior and our everything was at stake, including the future of our 5 children he was brought down to his knees and couldn't beleive what a rampage he was on. I have my own successful business THANKS BE TO GOD!!!! and it has kept us afloat. We just sent our second son off to college, and have a son and daughter in highschool, and our youngest daughter in 8th grade....it has definitely been the most difficult and emotionally trying situation that I have ever gone through in my life! The hurt and distruction, the disrespect and anger, the violence it brought out in my behavior towards him, and my self worth is gone. Now a year later we are dealing with a huge communication break down where he says all of the things that makes our counselor happy, however I know that these most charming leads are just words and very rarely will my husband follow them up with an action. He is all about the outward appearance. Not truly about building us or me back up, or our children and family unit. That is up to me to do. He walks around telling me what he shouldn't or should do to me behavior wise, he knows so much of how he should treat me, he just says he can't get there with his actions. He's scared. Any feedback on this would be wonderful. Deep down he is a great guy that has so much love and compassion to give, unfortunately I can't seem to see past all of my anger and hurt for more than a few days....I would like happy stories, that through the difficult and unbearable time, the times when everything looked bleek and pale, GOD showed up, and pulled everything that we have gone through together and molded into a new life full of new blessing and a whole new rlove and respect for each other.....and happy kids too=o) And one???? I don't doubt my God, I doubt my stregnth!

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Donna - posted on 09/30/2009

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You are right, it is tough! God has already shown up and will continue to show up! Remember this did not happen over night, it will take time.
With that, i have been there. God sent a Godly woman my way and shred something with me that changed my life. She said, :it is not up to you to make your husband love you." At first I was taken back. I aksed her to explain. She said you are holding your husband at arms length, you believe deep down inside that he does not love you, dont you? She was right! She said you must understand that you husband's love for you can only come from God. There is nothing you can do or not do to make him love you. He is commanded by God to love you. If he does not that is between him and God. If you are trying to make him, you are just in God's way. God loves you and His love is the only love that will never disaapoint you. Trust God and pray hard for your husband's love and get out of God's way.
This was hard for me to swallow for a bit.
One day I spent crying out to Jesus and I let go of the control I thought I had. At that moment I totally forgave my husband and told God my husband was his to do a mighty work with and he has! As soon as I stepped out of the way and trusted God, a wall began to crumble between my husband and I. What I had not realized is my wall was a stumbling block to my husbands forgivness for himself. He felt at this point he had the freedom to forgive and not be perfect in doing it. That is where the true healing began.
My husband is not perfect and niether am I but we now have a solid marriage depended on God first and then each other. For years I think I had that backwards. My self worth is in Christ and not my husband. I struglle at times with this but you know...
My husband and I have been a tool in God's hand and have had the privledge being marriage mentors. I pray this is an ecouragement for you!

Christina - posted on 10/01/2009

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I would advise you to take time off (with a Bible) to ponder. Go somewhere all by yourself, read the Bible and begin talking to God, yes talk as you would do a friend, (for talking to God is praying) tell Him everything and get it out of your system, if you feel like screaming, please do, just be in the presence of God for some time and He will heal you and will listen to you and give you strength and grace to forgive. He will also give you good counsel for He is the counselor of counselors. You can use God's telephone no. It is book of Jeremiah 33:3 where God says "'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. There is not a single soul on this earth to help you except God. Take it from me, for I have gone and still go through a lot. And yet I can stand without fear and say "If God is for me, who can be against me for I am hidden under the shelter of His wings and No weapon formed against me will prosper." I have gone through a lot and there is no use to speak about it for it brings pain and gives the devil the glory. Try it.

Julia - posted on 09/30/2009

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Wow ladies! I'm really impressed that there is such godly advise and women who are willing to obey God and seek Truth rather than respond in the flesh. It's awesome to know there is a sisterhood of women determined to trust the Lord despite harsh circumstances. I love the verse that says {paraphase here}, "Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but entrust yourselves to Him who judges justly..."

Melissa - posted on 09/30/2009

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Try The Love Dare from the movie Fireproof. If you haven't seen it, run now to Walmart, buy it, and watch it with your husband.( you can also buy The Love Dare book at WalMart) I also had all my boys to watch it so they would understand more about love and marriage before they decided to get married. I can't give you much more than that, I'm still waiting on the same issues that you stated. Better, but not repaired completely. This movie will definetly touch your heart and hopefully your husbands too.

Lakeisha - posted on 09/30/2009

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I have been in your shoes before. You have believe in God with ALL your heart and soul when it comes to stuff like this. If you have forgiven your husband you HAVE TO LET IT GO.
The way i look at is:
We have cheated on God and done things to God that we should have never been forgiven for, but God has shown us Grace and Mercy and gives us another chance. He has forgiven us so therefor we must forgive others
Pray this helps you !!!
Be blessed!!

29 Comments

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Christina - posted on 10/16/2009

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I just have to say, WOW ladies...I really didn't think I would get much response and actually have been so busy in my personal life I haven't been on circle of moms since I left this post! PRAISE BE THE HIS HOLY NAME!!!!!! I just cannot beleive the outpour of stories and affection, the true and shared FAITH!!!!!!!! the FAITH!!!!!! You all are amazing and I am so fortunate to have been connected with each and ever one of you. I am praying for you all in any of your circumstances. I have felt a huge movement in our lives in the past couple of weeks, and I even commented to him that we have made more headway in the past couple of weeks than we had in 11 1/2 years!!!! I can't thank you enough, I look forward to hearing from you all again soon. Let me know if there is anything that I can help or pray for you on....I would be delighted....But God truly knows your sorrows so I really don't have to know, HE will hear and know=O) AMEN Sista's!!!!!! Your forever sista in Christ!!!! Have a great weekend!

Roskola - posted on 10/02/2009

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You need to wipe the slate clean if you truly love him.If you are still dishing out anger, you have not forgiven him. Ask God to help you.You must change first before he will change.Infidelity is a very hard thing to deal with. It wipes away all the trust you ever had in your spouse.A wise lady once told me when times are tough in your marriage, just pretend they are good, and they will be, again.Good luck.I will pray for both of you..

Donna - posted on 10/02/2009

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See the movie FireProof and possibly try the Love Dare - even if it is only you doing it.



I have never had to face this within my own marriage - but I dealt with it growing up. I never ever saw my father cheat on my mother - but it was thrown up in front of me my whole life. That is really all I can remember and I hold that as the reason I take such a strong stand on cheating. My mother stayed with my father but she never forgave him nor did she ever let him forget. As I got older and was fixing to get married - I sat down and told my mother that I loved her very much but that her life was partially her fault - she chose to say with my father and if she was going to stay she had to move on in order to have a marriage and I told her of how it affected me growing up. I pray I am never in this situation, but I know that God IS in control! Things happen in his time, not ours and as humans we have a bad habit of taking things back instead of leaving them with Him. I pray that your situation improves and that God will move in your family. I have always been told that He walks with you but it is in your worst times that He carries you - that is why there is only one set of footprints in the sand. I will pray that God move and help you and your family and that he give you strentgh to except His plans if they are not how you feel they should be.

Christina - posted on 10/01/2009

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I agree, wives cannot lead their husbands spiritually, but we can pray with the Word that says "as for me and my family we shall be saved". No one can change man/woman except God. I am living with a husband who hates born again's and from Dec. 8 1987 the day I took water baptism, I have endured all kinds of abuse so I can say tortured for Christ. But through it all I can stand and say the Lord has given me the courage, the strength, the grace to stand and endure till the right time when he come in line with God. So all you out there, the going will be tough but when we cling to the Kind of Kings, he will lead us all the way, it is not an easy walk but when you choose to follow your master you will walk in the fire too and not feel it for His mercy and grace is with you to take you through. Be encouraged to read the Word for it is God breathed Life which came onto this earth as Jesus. (In the beginning was the Word and the Word was made flesh)

Carol - posted on 10/01/2009

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Wives are not meant to lead their husbands spiritually. Do you have a pastor or godly man in your church who can mentor your husband and hold him accountable? Counseling is fine, but your husband needs a man to guide him into a holy life. Meanwhile, you can't change him, but you can let God change you into more of the godly woman you are meant to be, whether your marriage works out or not. May the Holy Spirit fill you with discernment, power, love, and courage, and above all, faith and forgiveness. May glory come to Jesus by all that happens in your life.

Christina - posted on 10/01/2009

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You need to make sure your husband is being completely honest about changing. And now saying all that is needed to be said. The sad thing you are in the midst of forgiving your husband you are not able to forget. He has done several actions that has affected your relationship and your family. I hope for the best, but always look up and ask God that he gives you peace on the situation.

Fe - posted on 10/01/2009

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This is an awesome circle for us Godly Mom's in this day and age that people tend to believe so much in themselves and the material world, and forget about the One who made and create everything that we see and experience it was a nice feeling to keep in touch with Gods people especially Mother's that knows and experience the power of Gods word through the Bible, and of course we know and believe that nothing is impossible with God and through fervent prayers God is and always there to answer His precious children thank you Mom's for blessing my heart today and I pray that may Gods will be done in your heart Ms. Henningson and may the peace that passeth all understanding that is from God be upon you today and forever I will include your petition in my prayers, and keep your faith in Him because with God through the precious blood of Jesus that was shed on the cross of Calvary nothing is impossible always take care of yourself and your precious children eat and sleep well, exercise, stay healthy and beautiful be on top of the battle show the enemy that you're always prepared and will not be defeated in the name of the Lord and show love and kindness to your lost husband. God bless and keep on praying

User - posted on 10/01/2009

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u should watch Fireproof. its amazing and there are also marriage saving groups based on the movie. I suggest u watch it and try to find one of these groups to join.

Shannon - posted on 10/01/2009

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The two of you should sit down together and watch the movie Fireproof. Then, go to a Christian book store together and buy The Dare Book. Our church just had a couples retreat based on this movie and it was amazing. Hang in there, and realize that you are staying and loving him despite what you get in return, UNTO THE LORD! As long as there are no current affairs going on, there is hope. Pray, pray, and pray some more. Don't ever feel like you have no self-worth. You are a daughter of the Risen King. You are the apple of his eye. He died on the cross for you, and if you were the only person he needed to die for, he would have. You have immeasurable worth in his eyes. Let him love on you while you wait for your husband to. My prayers are with you.

Christie - posted on 10/01/2009

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I am in prayer with you that you find the strength to deal with your anger with your husband and that he finds the strength to admit his faults and move forward with what he should do in the relationship. Until he can openly admit the real truth to the counselor, he continues to lie to everyone, including himself.

Dee - posted on 10/01/2009

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I completely understand, after 13 years of marriage I have a 3 year old step-daughter because of my husband's affair. Everyone asked how this could happen, my husband was the scout master, soccer coach and served on the advisory board at our son’s school. He lied to family, friends and even our parish priest that the child was not his. He even lost his job over the affair. A friend suggested that I read Power of a Praying Wife, I began to respect my husband again but did not trust him, it has come in time. I pray daily asking God to remove my fear, I had always heard if they do it once they will do it again. We went to see a counselor and even he said that with work it does not have to happen again.
Today we pray, worship, spend more time as a family. The whys he had the affair no longer matter, we look forward to the future but we didn’t get there over night. We have taken baby steps. The other woman refuses to let my husband see his daughter because he returned to his family. Today we fight for visitation which only strengthens our relationship. Out of a horrible situation came a beautiful innocent little girl.
At times those insecurities pop up but that is when I pray to the Lord that the other women might somehow find Him.

Linda - posted on 10/01/2009

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Quoting Christina:

Staying with husband after the affair...

I am looking for some spiritual guidance! I know that when I took my husband back after all of the lies and deception, the affair(s), and so forth, he was a humble broken man that accepted everything that satan was willing to give him, he just didn't realize that God is on our side and he had to put a stop to te madness because my husband wasn't strong enough. Once my husband lost his job of 19 years over this behavior and our everything was at stake, including the future of our 5 children he was brought down to his knees and couldn't beleive what a rampage he was on. I have my own successful business THANKS BE TO GOD!!!! and it has kept us afloat. We just sent our second son off to college, and have a son and daughter in highschool, and our youngest daughter in 8th grade....it has definitely been the most difficult and emotionally trying situation that I have ever gone through in my life! The hurt and distruction, the disrespect and anger, the violence it brought out in my behavior towards him, and my self worth is gone. Now a year later we are dealing with a huge communication break down where he says all of the things that makes our counselor happy, however I know that these most charming leads are just words and very rarely will my husband follow them up with an action. He is all about the outward appearance. Not truly about building us or me back up, or our children and family unit. That is up to me to do. He walks around telling me what he shouldn't or should do to me behavior wise, he knows so much of how he should treat me, he just says he can't get there with his actions. He's scared. Any feedback on this would be wonderful. Deep down he is a great guy that has so much love and compassion to give, unfortunately I can't seem to see past all of my anger and hurt for more than a few days....I would like happy stories, that through the difficult and unbearable time, the times when everything looked bleek and pale, GOD showed up, and pulled everything that we have gone through together and molded into a new life full of new blessing and a whole new rlove and respect for each other.....and happy kids too=o) And one???? I don't doubt my God, I doubt my stregnth!


 

Twanica - posted on 10/01/2009

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Just keep praying and stay focused on the positive. Speak positively about him because we have power in what we say. Speak of him as if he's already there and God will see you thru. If you have the faith of a mustard see, God will give you all you need including strength. God's already shown you that thru most of your storm. Your storm isn't quite over yet, so just ask God to continue to guide you thru that storm.

Peggy - posted on 09/30/2009

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I too am impressed at the out-pouring of love and sound advise. I wish when I went through it 12 yrs ago, I had this kind of support.
The similarities are astounding and what was the turning point for me was the prayer "God show me truth". God was faithful and I found out my husbands words were only words and then I knew what I was truly facing.
My ex had/has a true sexual addiction and the key component is their life is a lie. If this is the case with yours, you maybe working in the wrong direction to save this marriage. My advise is to get to the root and then pray for wisdom and He will provide.

Diamond - posted on 09/30/2009

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This is very GODLY advise! Thanks for sharing and I am praying for your strength and ability to forgive

Lanice - posted on 09/30/2009

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It so a very challenging suitation and your husband knows that you will be there for him and when he went off to seek support from another women he thought the grass was greener on the other side, but when he couldnt do with her like he do with you or she didnt have what you have therefore he came home. Us as women always want the family and the father to be there, but at the same time you cant loose yourself in the process and allow him to make you more misable than this whole suitation has already made you feel. If your husband is still being negative after all this things has happened and you have been elevated through this whole ordeal. He may not still want to be there and by the fact that he is cheating he may not be ready spritually where you are. You have to look outside of what you'll use to be, because it does sound like thats what he wants even thou thats what you want. He may have outgrown what you'll had and may be with you just for his fall/comvience. You said spritual you have to pray to release the feels you have if you are going to try to make the marriage work because it takes two; but you really have tp get him into the word and out of the world.....

Sharon - posted on 09/30/2009

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I have never been married but I have been cheated on. My advice to you is to get down on your knees and ask God for guidance and for strength, faith and courage because the road ahead is gonna be rough. If you really love your husband and wants the marriage to work, you are gonna have to let go. I know it's hard but that's the only way, PRAYER. FORGIVENESS, LOVE. While you are on your knees ask God to help you to forgive and to let it go and open your heart.

Jenny - posted on 09/30/2009

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I agree with Cindy Ward, watch Fireproof together. It sounds like your husband has a hard time accepting God's grace. It sounds like you are the one who will have to make the ultimate decision about whether it will be healthy for both of you to stay together. These things don't happen overnight and the answer doesn't come overnight. It comes down to a decision to DO, that is completely NOT based on how you feel. And the Lord is the only one who can truly change a person, and that person has to let Him. Unfortunately it can take years. Love is supposed to be an act of the will. It's what pulls the marriage through when feelings aren't there. That kind of love is what you both have to figure out if you have or not. It sounds to me like you have that kind of love for him. If so, I believe that will pull your marriage through. God bless!

Cindy - posted on 09/30/2009

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Have you watched the movie "Fireproof". It is an awesome movie and addresses marriages in turmoil. I have been in your shoes before as well and it was a struggle to heal from but God can heal and will if you let him. My husband and I just celebrated our 30th anniversary.

Charlotte - posted on 09/30/2009

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I would recommend you read "Torn Asunder' - which is the bible of affair behavior - why/when/after and coming back from the hell you have been through. There are 4 main reasons people have affairs. There is a way for a marriage to recover if 2 - not 1 1/2 but 2 people are 100% commtted to it. It sounds like you don't believe or trust him yes you still see characteristics in him that you cherish. If you want to men this marriage I am glad to see you have a counselor and I would back up and understand what happened so you can truly let it go from withing your heart. And I personally do believe prayer, by him and you, for your heart to be relieved of this pain - absolutely does work God willing. Prayer can heal and perform miracles. What seems impossible is NOT.

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