Step children and their mother

Kayla - posted on 09/08/2016 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I have 3 WONDERFUL stepchildren...their mom on the other hand not so much...their mother likes to talk bad about me in front and to my step children to the point she even tells them "I dont want you to like her becaise she talks bad about me behind my back" yes I may talk bad about her to other people but never in front or around or to my step children I have even asked them have YOU ever heard me talk bad about your mom and if so lets yslk about it ...they told me they have never heard me say anything bad about her but they have heard her say mean things about me ...like im ugly...it doesnt bother me that she talks about me to other people cause I could careless what she says but the issue is that she does it in front of and to my step children to the point they have told me twice this week "I dont like you your ugly" and "I dont like you" to which I reaponded to both "its ok you dont have to like me I still love you" and to ehich my steo daughter responded back "well I still dont like you " my husband (their father) was sitting right there and said nothing....I want to tell tgeir mother something but everytime I talk to her about stuff like that or if my husband talks to her about stuff like that she dont let us see them for months at a time ....what should I do? What should I have done in those moments? Should my husband have said something? I love my step children like I love my own children ...but it's already difficult being and outsider looking in muchless having their mother making it more difficult ....HELPPP

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Michelle - posted on 09/09/2016

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By sitting down with them to "separate their feelings from their Mum" you are doing the same as her.
Take it from someone who has had 1 parent bagging out the other for years as a child, stay out of it. Don't try and "separate their feelings", let them just be who they are.
Step back, Dad needs to step up and take control of the situation. That means getting things in writing and not being scared to confront the mother.

Michelle - posted on 09/09/2016

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Don't sit the children down when they come to your house and talk about their feelings, just let them be children.
Doing what you are saying will just look like you are fishing for things that Mum has said about you and that's not on.
Let them know you love them but don't dwell on the negative things she says.

I agree that your husband need to go to court to get custody, visitation and child support sorted out. That way he can actually talk to her regarding her behaviour and not have the children taken away.

Jacqueline - posted on 09/08/2016

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All you can do is keep being polite and love the children the way you are doing. Hopefully she will just see what a good person you are and how much you love the children that she will stop talking bad about you. All you can do is be a mom and be there for the kids when you have them. Everything else is out of your control. Just be the bigger person and ignore her rude and mean comments. When the kids grow up they will realize you are a great mom and love them. When the kids say mean things just tell them I understand but I love you no matter what. And let them know that it is not nice to talk like that. Your husband should step in and tell them it is not nice to talk like that. Even if he doesn't just be patient. Good luck!

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Sarah - posted on 09/08/2016

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If their mother is using drugs, then their father should pursue getting full custody until she is sober. Sitting down and having a formal conversation about how they feel etc, is not necessary. Just tell them you love them, they can always tell you anything and if they need to talk over a problem or concern you are available.

Sarah - posted on 09/08/2016

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First, their father should not tolerate them speaking to you like that. They don't have to adore you but they must treat you with respect. Second why is it up to mom when they come to visit? Isn't there a custody and visitation order in place? Finally, don't talk badly about her to anyone if there is the remote chance it could get back to her. if you need to vent; do it anonymously here or to your sister or very best friend. Keep taking the high road, and the kids will realize who is being petty.

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Kayla - posted on 09/11/2016

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Ok I have another problem...my step daughter birthday is coming up and obviously her mom and I do not get along need I mind you she has already disrespected me at my home on several occasions ...but she is not able to throw my step daughter a party for whatever reason ...I dont mind having a party for my step daughter I have done it in the past without their mom their but now I feel like some people are coming down on me because if i tgrow a party for her at my home I dont want her mother at my home ...however if I could afford to have the party else where I wouldnt mind but we dont have that kind of money so am I wrong for not wanting her at my home

Kayla - posted on 09/09/2016

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I find that helpful thanks...I dont want them to tell me things their mom says about me ...but what I do want is to seperate their feelings from their mom that way they can relise they dont have to judge people the way others do that its up to them if they like me or not...I know they love me as much as I love them but their mom is trying to stop that. But your right if it all gets sorted out court wise then he will be able to talk to her about it all.

Kayla - posted on 09/09/2016

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Shawn lively yes I do admit that I talk about her behind her back but its nothing I havent told to her it does not bother me that she talks about me behind my back I dont care what she has to say about me to others but she should not do that in front or to the kids ... Im sure she dont care what I have to say about her but she sure would not like it if I did it to the kids and when I "talk" about her its not like im going around telling random people things It more like I vent to family.
Sarah he is kind of in a process of trying to get full custody (which should have been done along time ago. And thanks I think thats a better approch :)

Kayla - posted on 09/08/2016

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No unfortunatly there is not court ordered anything at the moment ...she knows im a good person when she is not on drugs ....and I want to sit with the kids when they come back over and tell them something to the effects of wanting them tobsit down and take the time to think about anything I have done to them to hurt them or put them in harm's way or what it is that they dont like about me so we can talk about it and get them to seperate their feelings from their mom and try to resolve any hard feelings they may or may not have toward me. Because I do my best to be there for them and treat them equal to each other ...their mom is a good mom when she is not doing drugs before she started on drugs she made sure the kids were at school in time she was able to express how she felt about things in a civil matter I dont remember her ever talking bad in front of the children she made sure food was on the table and the whole nine yards she was even nice to my 2 children ....we had our differences but we were able to be civil for the kids now that drugs are in the picture its very different ...but I guess I have to maybe sit with them and get them to seperate their feelings from their mind but carefully because I do not want them to think im trying to put them against her and not trying to take her place or anything

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/08/2016

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You admit you are speaking badly about her behind her back. You thought she wouldn't find out?

Grow up. Be the adult. STOP gossiping about your step kids' mother.

Also, you need to quit bringing the confrontation. HE deals with HIS ex. You stay out of it. If the kids don't like you, they don't. They may come around, or not.

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