step children drama

Catelya - posted on 07/24/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I have a wonderful relationship w my fiance. His heart is so huge its one of the reasons I fell in love w him to begin with. HE has been married twice before, his 1st wife had a previous child from a previous relationship ( 8 mos old back then) he is now 11. they then together had a daughter years later. She is now 8. I might need to mention he is active duty military and has done tours in Iraq & afganistan..So its been highly difficult for him to have a " standard" visitation w his daughter .....heres the problem, is is wrong of me to wonder why the non biological child always needs to come with for visitation? I get my fiance helped raise him during the time they were married ect. I get he is the only father he really has ever known bc his Bio father is a loser and in prison. But EVERY SINGLE time this boy comes he causes nothing than greif and drama. Everything is " your not my mom"..ect. ect. Just always stirs up drama & disrupts the household...we have no problems w his daughter at all. I adressed this issue & my concerns bc recently i just gave up...i refused to be the care giver and told my fiance he needed to make other arrangments for his summer care bc it just got out of control. I dont feel like i have to put up w it and he took the children home....first off they both didnt need to go. However, he feels they are always a package deal. Why should his bio child suffer bc her brother is a jerk. And why cant i get my fiance to understand i refuse to put up w a child that isnt his anyway...? Especially when his ex wife doesnt appreciate it anyway. She fuels the fire and is more trouble than.he is. Help!!!

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Catelya - posted on 07/24/2013

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Thanks for the advice...it really has created such an uproar here lately. The mere.expectation of his ex and her demands ect. So bad in fact that Im questioning even getting married at this point. I needed an outlet to vent. He and I discussed the issue as they want to come back and finish the summer and i admimately refused. I just believe if You do things wo love in your heart then dont do them at all. Soo....i know ppl who keep step children relationships strictly just between the parent and them. Ideally i never thought our family would be that way. I guess i wanted the fairy tale of everyone getting along. I even offered to leave or adjust small weekend getaways while he can be in our home w them alone or suggested he go there and stay in a hotel w them and visit them if he chose. & that didnt go well. Lol. But i cant walk on eggshells for a child who clearly knows what. He is doing. Yet has his hand out and thinks im going to continue to bend over backwards for ya know? Errrrrrrr......

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/24/2013

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well, have him sit down with her and come to an agreement. Either she supports you as a guardian for both of her children, or not, but if not, she needs to make other visitation arrangements that do not include full time summer care for both.

I know it's frustrating for you...it really is. He also needs to sit down with the boy and explain expectations in your home...and that he will be expected to follow them.

Oh, and while I'm thinking of it...my thanks to him for his service, and to you for your support of him!

Catelya - posted on 07/24/2013

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Agreed. I hate he feels as tho he has to choose between the two of us. It really is so hurtful. Especially when the ex continues to say..." she isnt your mother, he isnt your father" whenever the situation seems fitting for her. Its either or with me. All she wants is her summers off...and its just rather annoying & to be frank a slap in the face.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/24/2013

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Perhaps he takes the other child because he made a commitment, in his heart, to that child, biological or not.

Your first statement is his heart is so huge...well, it probably was 11 years ago too...I admire him for continuing that mentoring relationship when there's no "legal" reason to do so. You shouldn't have to put up with disrespect, but there does need to be middle ground.

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