STEP CHILDREN ISSUES

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EDDIE - posted on 12/30/2013

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please see my post again, the whole story is out there... (not exactly whole, too many issues happened, can't be summed up into just one page)

EDDIE - posted on 12/30/2013

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I wish there was a website called 'circleofdads'. I would like to use this site to get some input from a reader/mother or father. I have 2 teenage daughters where they hardly live with me (my exwife has custody on them, they are 17 and 18 now from my 1st marriage).

My wife son is 13, and daughter 9. Most of the difficulties I face is with her son. Their dad has custody on them. They had a very bitter divorced in 2005. They are still like a cat and a dog, dislike each other till eternity. I won't be surprised that their children have been brainwashed by their dad to dislike, or even hate me since day 1.

I met her (now my wife, we have a boy 2.5 y.o. and another boy 4 months old) in 2007, married for 5 years. As years passed by, he begun to dislike me. Not to sure why, maybe because he thought I stole his mom's love?, i was his competition.

His dad remarried in 2009, he had 3 grown up kids (had a custody on them when they were little) where my wife was there for his children (doing housewife duties properly raising them). From my wife mouth, she told me, he just kept badmouthing his 1st wife (their mom), tried (and successful) the hardest to separate them from their own biological mom.
With this 3rd wife, they have 3 years old girl and 9 months old boy.

It's been a contant battle between me and him, but not to his younger sister, who is 9 years old. Now i am just passive, "i dont 'scratch hi', and i dont expect him to scratch me". He has a father who disciplines him, and it is not my job to do his dad job, after all he hates me (he won't even listen to me), and i hate his behavior. Often time he acts so immature (he doesn't act his own age, but younger), his sister is more mature and helpful around the house.
I observed, but i do not have any contact (tell him what to do nor reprimand him) with him. When they come for a weekend visitation (every other weekend), all he does is playing video game in her sister room all day all night, only come down as a family for 10 min-dinner, then disappear. I avoid confrontation with him at any cost, it just waste of my energy. Too many arguments between him and his sister, I brought the attention to my wife, so she take care of it. Toward her, he used awfully many time words such "retard, shut up, are you stupid?", even though he had been told by my wife not to use such words, especially in front of our 2 boys.

there is so much contrast between him and 9 y.o./his sister. without being asked, she would help wash dishes, set table, even put up (our boys) toys, tidy up living room. I feel she act as normal as other child. But him, he is a loose cannon. Often time, my wife let things slide (which once for awhile I understand, because he is her blood). Am i too strict (or wrong) to tell my wife, when they come stay with us, he or she eats food in our house, then i will expect them to participate in household chores. He can help throw garbage, wash dishes, etc. When they leave our house, going back to their dad, i will expect their room to be left in a condition as when they visited... tidy and proper, no dirty/abandon clothes of theirs. Our house in not a hotel. I now for sure, they don't act like that at their dad house, cos I know their dad will whoop their behind. From his sister mouth herself, said that "dad will spank you if you do ...such and such". That's what I heard.

My wife once said, he acts like this, very defiant and VIOLENT towards me, because he had a 'bad experience' in his childhood. I am here, to guide him and her in positive environment. Eventhough i made a mistake in the past, and vowed not to repeat it, it does not mean, he can use 'that' as an excuse, and constantly react negatively toward me. Even a prisoner deserves a new life.

My questions to reader is:
1. Do i need to get involved in his life, knowing my effort will be futile after all?
2. What do i need to do to make my wife understand that 'house rules' need to be reinforced?
3. Who ( a professional) can help us? a social worker, pastor, marriage counselor, pyschotherapist?
4. His reaction when talking to me is unpredictable. Is it acceptable to record (video or audio) a conversation when I have to talk/deal with him, so i have something to show to his dad, to my wife, to protect myself, that the proof is there. I dont mind to be recorded, why would my wife object?? and she thinks that is 'an insult'? is it?

Thank you all for your inputs (negative or positive)

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